| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 11:45:48 AM |
It is not possible in many cases for the woman to return the level of commitment the man would give and require..........They love their children, but their men are considered masters to be tolerated.
if a husband is required to be considered a master (..and we're not talking the dom/sub sex thing..) then yes, i can see it might, "not be possible in many cases for the woman to return the level of commitment the man would give and require.." such a demand for commitment to a "master" would be tolerated, at best... | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 11:53:16 AM |
You know you can never have any guarantees of a tomorrow with anyone. All you can possibly have is a feeling of wanting more. Wanting to know more, to experience more, of not wanting to give up.
When you experience this with someone, you learn to take everything that comes with it. Maybe you just haven't experienced this yet, because if you have than everything else would just flow. Both the good and the bad.
We are all selfish in our own ways, but when you learn to give more than receive it's amazing just how balanced things become. There are portions of us that we will see and find that we never knew existed. We can only see these portions when we learn to give more of ourselves.
If I asked you what would do you think you would want more, Loving someone, or having someone love you, most would answer having someone love them. I on the other hand would answer, loving someone. I answer it that way because I know I can be selfish, but when I truly love someone, I get so much out of giving to them than receiving. To me, there is no greater feeling in the world than deeply loving someone. Yes, the ideal situation would be if they loved you back, but if given the choice between the two I would saying loving them more.
If you truly are a selfish person than you really need to try being unselfish and find out just how rewarding it is. Find out parts of yourself that you never knew existed. It's like having a revelation or something. If you have to fake it in the beginning to make it, than do it. You will see just how much you allowed your fears to overcome you, and just how rewarding it can be.
You can never think about forever with someone until you know these portions of yourself and what you are capable of giving.
Beautifully said!! Especially the "capable of giving" part. A few months ago I took myself off the "search". I had realized that I wasn't capable of giving what it was I was seeking... a healthy, loving relationship. I was emotionally, spiritually and physically unhealthy and couldn't see starting a loving relationship in that mode.
Things have changed dramatically for me these last few months and I am on the road to recovery, in a big way. This has enabled me to love myself again, which will enable me to love someone special again. I've never been afraid of love... always knowing just how good it can be.... I welcome it with open arms | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 12:01:10 PM | | I'm not afraid of love. You can all give me as much as you like. I won't let it go to my head, honest. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 1:03:11 PM | | I didn't read any posts except for the OP's but I'll answer the question that the thread was started for. I'm young, only 21, but I'm absolutely not afraid of love. In fact, I'd love to find it. Hence why I'm on this site. I think a lot of people are afraid of love, both men and women. It's too bad but hopefully we'll all find what we're looking for. Good luck to you all. : ) | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 1:10:54 PM |
I'm young, only 21, but I'm absolutely not afraid of love.
at 21, i didn't fear love either. hell, i didn't fear anything.
i still don't fear it. i just don't think i have any business involving myself in romantic love. i simply don't believe in it. i maintain it's a human invention. i think we've conditioned ourselves to believe that a romantic relationship is our absolute goal in life. we feel incomplete without that one partner.
i see couples in their seventies, married forever and still thrilled with each other, caring for each other, laughing at the same things. i love these people!
but i can't BE those people. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 2:16:47 PM | Hi
I married thinking I knew waht love was all about.
Now after 37 years of marriage I am just learning to understand.
To love soem one else I needed to love and like my self first of all.
Then regards trust issues was for me tied up to being insecure in my self.
Insecuirty which was very much fear based.
Then in recovery I found out that I did not know what I was feeling.
By putting therapies to paper I was able to understand and learn of my self.
Now humbling my self to be equal to all I can see and feel so much of my self in others.
Last two parts which were hard to grasp was unconditional love, no hidden motives.
And the giving of my self. No gifts not about money but giving of my self with complte trust free of fears.
Regards
Dave | |
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real12
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Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 32 | |
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 8:18:32 PM | Man as much as I would love to respond to all of the fine comments here, it seems that work & sleep prevail. I vastly appreciate the fine perspectives layed out here & I applaud your honesty.....I find it promising.
In the end though I suppose its just one of those damn things that one figures out on thier own. Finnegan, you did strike a chord & I hope you as well come about in your own way.
Yeah so thank you all. Good to see some genuine hearts out ther & my hats off to you all. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 9:16:50 PM |
i'm talking about the responsibility of someone elses feelings. Now maybe therein lies some selfishness, but that to me is overwhelming, to know that what I do or say can have such a profound affect on the feelings of another whom I happen to care for & may indeed love. To me its a massive responsibility to take on & yeah, i'm a little umm clumsy when it comes to all that.
This is not my biggest problem with commitment - but I do get you on this one. I think it is different for women. Men are generally more reserved with their expression, so when you hurt their feelings, there is little drama and you don't really feel the brunt of it the way you might with a woman. When you dump a man, he says some mean things because he's sore about the rejection but then he goes away with little fuss most times. Sometimes men cry a bit but in general, they can walk away when you tell them it's over. There's no crying and trying to fix things and be friends, and some long drawn out agony over breakups. Yes it's horrible to hurt someone's feelings, and I do take that into account when I think about dating too - I try to make sure of how I feel at each step and take things slowly. If I had to deal with bawling, screaming, crying men wanting to talk all the time when I wanted to break up though, I'd be even more careful.
You know it just seems to me that far too many get married & have kids like it was nothing, as if its such a simple thing to do & yet for me....well, I have always felt that if i'm gonna marry a girl, of which I only wanna do once, that I had better be d*mn sure that i'm going to love her only, love her fiercely & without restraint for the rest of her life, I mean its the way its supposed to be in my eyes & if its otherwise....well then its just not right. So yeah, just trying to get some diversity here from others who may feel the same.
I agree, people get married and have kids way to easily. It's the having kids too easily that is even scarier to me, especially when I see that almost everyone in my age range has kids and is single again!! I doubt though, that anyone who got married, said that hey I want to do this several times. I'm sure they all said they wanted to do it once. Fact is that life is not something we can control and emotions, sexual desire, chemistry - all these things are fluid. People have to accept that a relationship will change many times over the course of a lifetime - and most people cannot accept this and that is why they break up. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 11:20:52 PM | Op you do sound like a healthy and great guy. I am not afraid of love. I wellcome it. I am ready for the love of my life. I don't think people are afraid of love, I think they may be afraid of the pain of lossing the love they find. It is a bit of a catch 22.
travel. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/29/2007 12:58:30 AM |
Men do tend to express through duty and devotion... being in service to their loved ones.
If reality - that "being in service" thing my freakin downfall. Well I was but I wasn't. Guess guys like that are the one's to catch. Straying, if anyone cares to reply. Say you've had three mostly good (midrange five year) relationships save for the good-byes. Would you do it all again even if the outcomes had to be the same? Three special people, two of whom you would have never met had the first one lasted. Signed, Out of left field off the wall. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/29/2007 3:15:33 AM | Love it self I dont fear.
Loving and finding that was a mistake for where it may put me, concerns me.
Amicable endings dont. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/29/2007 3:59:07 AM | | yes i am. Every time I tell someone I love them. THey leave. Even if they say it first. It's me What can I tell you. I get scared and back off | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/29/2007 4:26:02 AM | This thread is so close to my heart at this particular time in my life.. I need to be honest here "no matter what the consequences".....I'm actually frightened that i don't have the capacity to fall in love anymore, and truth be known i find that very sad.
I have raised my 13yo son for 11yrs on my own, and have been lucky enough to meet some truly lovely ladies along the way....but the fear of letting someone down when you have lived with someone who has attempted multiple suicides weighs very heavily on my shoulders. I'm not a man who is weak or looking for pity and i like to think i have a fair degree of insight, but no matter how much i try to resolve these fears they just seem so much bigger than the option of remaining single. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/29/2007 4:33:14 AM | Interesting thread. I think most people are selfish in their fear of love because what they are really afraid of is getting hurt by the other person, not whether they may hurt the other half of the couple.
The other side of the coin is that you can only control you. You cannot control her, you cannot control life events so while you might love the other fiercely and without restraint for the rest of her life, she may not or you may have some tragedy come between you.
You can be sure of yourself and you can choose someone with similar views and whom you believe will have the same high level of commitment. Someone that will honestly work through things if you hit a rough patch is a pretty good bet. More importantly is remembering to choose whom you like as well as love. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/29/2007 4:37:21 AM | Men tend to love differently. Loyalty and devotion are very important. When women talk of loyalty they mean let's not cheat. When men talk of loyalty they mean something like forever and no matter what.
It was that "no matter what" part that killed my marriage. My ex expected love and loyality no matter how badly or unfairly he treated me. He made it clear that he thought I was betraying him if I so much as complained that he wasn't doing right by me, our marriage, or our children. He wanted the love and loyalty but he did nothing to deserve it. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/29/2007 4:53:51 AM |
It is not possible in many cases for the woman to return the level of commitment the man would give and require. Women have a reputation for being fickle in love.
You are so very wrong. Interesting profile, does it reflect your life? If you are married do you consider yourself
"Men have the tradition of devoting their lives to their wives and families. In real life it is clear that women do not usually remain loving and devoted."
Such sad views. Please men on POF tell me that all men DON'T think like this. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/29/2007 5:52:13 AM | | I am not but most people are...to fall in love is about surrendering to the one you are with | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/29/2007 6:04:32 AM |
i'm talking about the responsibility of someone elses feelings. ...... to know that what I do or say can have such a profound affect on the feelings of another whom I happen to care for & may indeed love. It would be a great thing if more men and women thought like you do, (simplified a bit) but generally realizing that the word "love" entitles more than just the glitz and glitter - and that yes, when one takes commitment steps it means that you should be AWARE of how your actions reflect on the one you "love." That said, it is not such a complicated issue that you should lose out on a solid relationship for fear of hurting someone, you need to take a risk, just follow your instincts -and stay aware. If people would simple stop taking their relationship for granted, many would survive a lot longer. Keep your genuine compassion, but give yourself a break too - take a risk, love is worth it! Good luck! angel  | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/29/2007 6:11:17 AM | | You can't deserve or not deserve love. When one partner is sitting as a judge and love is given or withheld, that is not a marriage. Problems in marriage should be addressed, spelled out and solved, by both partners. It should not be the case where one partner uses emotional blackmail to get the other to solve problems. If that is how one experienced "love" then it would not be fear of love so much as an aversion to emotional manipulation that prevents enthusiasm for another try. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/29/2007 6:52:03 AM |
but the fear of letting someone down when you have lived with someone who has attempted multiple suicides weighs very heavily on my shoulders. I'm not a man who is weak or looking for pity and i like to think i have a fair degree of insight, but no matter how much i try to resolve these fears they just seem so much bigger than the option of remaining single.
Sweetie, that is what therapy is for: objective insight. Men seem very reluctant to embrace the idea of gaining insight by talking to an empathetic, objective professional who can guide you into discovering the real reasons why we feel the way we do. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/29/2007 6:58:13 AM | | Love is scary - it makes you vunerable and the risk is high that you will get hurt (and possibly emotional crushed) - that kind of pain is slow to heal. But on the flip side, if you never experience love then you miss out on the best things that life has to offer. If you take your time to get to know someone slowly it helps ease those moments of fear and allows the feelings to grow slowly over time. Those who don't take risks, never really live. I will always choose life and love even knowing I may get hurt. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/29/2007 7:17:40 AM | You sound just like a Sagittarious fredom loving man. He's got to be free, in his heart theres a candle for every smiling female face,freckles or not! He's just out to live in peace and harmony, only tri find his life in turmoil due to some little neurotic feeling of stomping on those of his beloved females. Like a Bull Elk, majestic in slendor, pride to the death. If only he would not take himself so seriously and put the weight of others feelings on his foot. He'd find more comfort and happiness in his cave and domain. How's thaT???  no c-man | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/29/2007 8:41:19 AM | | I have never loved with regret. I have regretted instances.. but not the fact I gave my loved, and had been loved. Regardless of the outcome. | |
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