real12
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Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 51 | |
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/29/2007 2:08:29 PM | Mmmmkay, in order to assuage some peoples' doubts, I have indeed been deeply in love prior to this disposition. Happened after I got outta the service, I was young, it was very thick & very much like a hammer over the head, but at that age I had nary a clue as to the weight of it all. She passed away in a not so nice way & that did it for me.......or atleast I felt that way for a long time.
Ever since then I have just been gravely distant despite my not wanting to be.....met absolutely perfect women luckily enough & yet that damn nerve hits me like a knife & I drift.
I dunno really, I find it quite easy to get close to women.......just not that close so to speak & I see at this moment in time its exactly where I want to be. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 1/9/2008 6:49:17 PM | | yes, I'm terrified of falling in love again. The hurt was too painful. I put everything I had into the relationship and he ****ed it all up. I have nothing to show for those lost years, except some memories. I am hoping to find a partner who just wants to hang out, do things together, not necessarily fall in love. I'm not capable of being in a serious relationship right now. Maybe one day. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 1/9/2008 7:29:23 PM | you know op,i always thought in my past relationships they were the right one..that's why i married..it wasn't taken lightly,believe me,i was always old fashioned believing in marriage for life and i fought tooth and nail to work it out..but when both parties aren't willing to fight that battle...there is no use going on with the relationship.
to say that too many get married and have kids like it was nothing,i don't believe that to be true..nobody wants to endure the hardship of breaking up...you sample that when you date and break up..i really believe we all go into a serious relationship or marriage with love and conviction..but circumstances change that we didn't ask for and the inevitable can and does happen unfortunately...i really do wish that my 1st marriage had endured the hardships...we honestly started out with genuine love in the beginning. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 1/9/2008 7:37:19 PM |
Love is scary - it makes you vunerable and the risk is high that you will get hurt (and possibly emotional crushed) - that kind of pain is slow to heal. But on the flip side, if you never experience love then you miss out on the best things that life has to offer. If you take your time to get to know someone slowly it helps ease those moments of fear and allows the feelings to grow slowly over time. Those who don't take risks, never really live. I will always choose life and love even knowing I may get hurt.
Lady_K I think you nailed this one. My thoughts exactly... Scary isn't it. A lot to risk, just can't help being human. | |
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Beedo
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Joined: 1/6/2008
Msg: 55 | |
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 1/9/2008 9:09:26 PM | I'm afraid to love only because every time I started to.. they started to do what you say your doing, enough times of that and it can knock a fear in the person greater than your fears.
Now, as soon as anyone pulls away even a little bit ..I assume its over and run as far as I can from getting to know them better. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 1/9/2008 9:33:52 PM | Afraid . . ??
Hell No . . !!
I'm gonna Jump right in . . Claws Bared . . Bear-hug engaged . . and say :
' Baby . . You're The Greatest . . !!!'
. .     . .
****
If I were getting Younger . . well . . that might be a different story . . !!! . .  . . | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 1/9/2008 9:50:21 PM | | im never afraid of love....but im always wondering about the other......since internet relationships are too vague to be called love in the first place....i say i need to meet u ...yes in person...as soon as possible so we can see if we like each other for real....frankly, i dont have time to play the frens first then we see game....as far as im concerned we already are frenz and ur just a pain in the ass....lol....so smarten up or i move on.....:) | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 1/10/2008 12:22:31 AM | First of all, I would say you are one of the most honest men I've heard on the forums. You do not have the "little boy" thing goin on...."oh, I want her" and going into it, never thinking. You feel a responsibility and it shows. That is not a flaw, but a good thing. Still, it can make you second guess yourself right out of any possibility of a relationship.
When I was very young....i dreamed of a marriage that would last forever...it never occurred to me there would ever be a divorce in my life....but there have been two. I wanted to marry only once....but that didn't happen. I couldn't control what the other person in my life thought or did, and they left. There are no guarantees.
I so agree with Frau and Desi.....it is hard to find one worthy of your love...and even harder to believe in yourself enough to realize when you've made the right choice in a partner.
Not always true Moto...because what you described as what a man means by loyalty is EXACTLY my definition...unfortunately the men in my life would disagree with your "male definition of loyalty". No man is my master, but I willingly served those I married..."no matter what", including the abuse. They, however, were the ones that walked. I don't know why your views are what they are, but they seem rather embittered. You may well be justified in that by your view, however it does not make them universal truths. I would imagine a great hurt has been visited upon you to make you see women as you do. You may well be right and I may be the oddity here, but I sincerely doubt it.
gadaveuk touched on what I believe to be one of the major issues I've encountered in men.....the giving of themself. Men I've known, whether bf's, husbands, or just friends...some knew how, most didn't. I know that is all I looked for in the men I married, yet neither could, would, or just plain didn't know how. Or, maybe, it was truly fear. I understand that, and yet I don't, when the one thing i've wanted my entire life was to love and be loved. To trust and be trusted. All I wanted was for a man to give me himself, and all that is, and I would do the same. So far, I haven't been in a relationship where a man was willing for that to be.
I don't think people are afraid of love, I think they may be afraid of the pain of lossing the love they find. It is a bit of a catch 22. I so agree with this. Still, if one never takes the chance....they've lost it before even finding it.
As ladykay put it....I will always choose life and love even knowing I may get hurt.(and Lord only knows I've had plenty of the latter, still I will not lose hope). | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:02:31 AM | Hi
Giving of your self is very important.
But you must love and like your self first of all?
Men are programmed not to show their feelings.
Often issues of the past unresolved will affect and adversely hold a person back from loving unconditonally.
Loyalty trust fear and honest are very much linked together.
How can a person trust if they do not trust them self?
Child hood issues often cause us to live in fear.
Anger comes from 3 emotions pain fear or frsutrations.
If we are over senitive and allow our self to get angry to often we are not ready for relationships.
Do people know how to process pain fear or frsutrations?
Do people understand the serenity prayer or acccept it in their life?
Love and peace to every one Dave of Beckenham | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/13/2008 1:09:30 AM | Not afraid of Love Maybe Afraid of the One That I Think I could Love or
I Love or am In Love with "'Ya Know WHy ? Probably because the Feelings May not be Mutual "'Ther is NO Guarantee
It all comes "'Out of the Mouths of Babes "'( so to speak) Comes down to Believe or not Believe "are they Live or Memorex ????
We all want to be Loved "'Inside and Out "'In the past there was always dissappointment "'lies ''Betrayl '' Heartache ''' Pain "' Insecurity """ Anger ''
Feelings of made a Mistake ! Or the Million Dollar Mind Question "'Is it Me ?
Maybe it is Me ""Maybe I dont want to be Alone "'To not be able to share all my undying passions "'HeartLove ''' Good News " And Affections with " or to Him or Her ...
But then when THe thoughts of reality comes and the unity of
being with him means "'
give of self "'sexually and whole hearted ly and to be obligated to meet the ones needs
on a daily basis becomes a reality ""It seems he is Shotgun ! I have my own aches '' pains '' ups and downs of Life .... And the thought of being in a unity or bond with another is scary ... the thought of being subordadinate to him or pleasing to him daily
is overwhelming "'Life is to surreal ^ and the day to day living can be tough> even while being single ''keeping Sanity and Serenity is Hardwork ''and a
Full time position ...............
So now the thought of a Committed Relationshp is nil "' Dont want the pain the
power plays or the possibilities of Broken promises ............
Think Maybe dont even like being Married at all !
Maybe ?Just dont like being Alone !
Whats a Guy or a Gal to do ? | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/13/2008 2:31:46 AM | | i was like that so i was so quiet that they didnt like me because i was to quiet and he said to me that i meade him depressed how immature lol? | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/13/2008 3:53:11 AM | | What is love, is it roses and hearts or pain and strife and longing?. Its neither; its a gift we give ,not to gain love back,, but because we can.So we get hurt!, pain is the best teacher there is. Self pity, walls and defensiveness are borne of immaturity,fear and anger. Like a stubborn kid we stamp our feet, well life is tough, so get used to it. It involves pain, loss and mistakes. These are the growing pains of life.We cant control or change others. We are not responsible for their feelings or actions.Your fears OP are within you, that you will give your heart wholly and it will be rejected.That we are acknowledged, accepted and validated is a constant need for some.This is just our egos talking.Its not all about us, is it.Heck !its not even personal to us.We can take ourselves too seriously at times.But these are things we give ourselves, to give that power to another is foolhardy. What scares people is others having power over them,the power to hurt and reject.Do not give away your personal power then, respect and love yourself.Do not depend on a lover for approval or validation, it is a waste of time and makes a person weak and vulnerable to abuse and manipulation.Emotional independence means you may get hurt, but you know you will survive alone if necessary.You will never be destroyed or bereft. You have that strong inner core of self worth and self reliance.This makes it easier to take a chance with love and eliminates fear.If you are afraid of losing yourself in another, then work on yourself as that should not happen.Love should not involve giving up who you are, but enhancing it.Love is a cooperative not an amalgamation, keep your own interests and life, stay who you are. Noone wants a clone of themselves or a codependent partner.You are together, yet apart, each their own person. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:42:24 AM | | you know everyone gets discouraged at times. but u just gotta keep ur chin up and love will come your way. waiting for that day to come is the pitts but its gonna come. Everyone has to go through the bad to get to the good. be patient. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:05:37 PM | | Love is everybody's mistress.....no, I am not afraid of love. Spell it backwards....leads to evolve. The way I look at it is this: You can never hurt a person who seeks only to love divinely. I cannot own love....it shines through me...I am a channel for that love and I feel blessed by it. Yes, I am sometimes the "woman who loves too much" because that kind of love has no bounds and it can scare people far away....but that is no never mind. Make love, not war; I grew up with that notion. I love everyone, even my skanky neighbour who bleats at me almost every time I cross her path.....I send her love. Sappy ain't it? I agree with others here who say you are not responsible for other people's feelings....heck you're not even responsible for your own.....once you are, then you have the answer, that's what I think about it all anyways,. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/20/2008 5:06:34 AM | Hi
You sound very mature and very healthy for your age?
Liked your share.
Dave of Beckenham | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/20/2008 8:29:57 AM | Yes, I am afraid to love... but, only because so many times 'loving' meant giving up myself. I can't do that anymore. It's the friggin' 'romantic' fairytale I am afraid of... because it just isn't true yet it seems to rear it's ugly little head every time the word 'love' or 'relationship' comes along. I don't like possessiveness, jealousy, or 'neediness' or the joined-at-the-hip thing.. that's the kind of 'love' I am afraid of... whenever I hear the 'promises', and the 'forevers' I get this crawling sensation.
But... am I afraid to be intimate, or share my soul, or be dependable, caring and someone's biggest fan and best friend? Am I afraid to choose to keep my sexuality to one special person, or to be there for someone through thick and thin....no.
CCan I promise to 'love' them forever, to never leave them? no.. there are no guarantees and people grow and change and sometimes a relationship has run it's course... and sometimes people can continue to grow together throughout a lifetime.. but as soon as it get's all, 'happily ever after", and mature sense goes out the window..then I get scared.
If I can find the kind of love that respects and supports the autonomy of each person and yet enhances and fulfills the needs of each person in a way that encourages one anothers growth, with mutual respect and responsibility, that is the kind of love I am not afraid of...all else is some sort of symbiotic parasitism..to me. There is a fine line between trusting someone to support you emotionally and becoming dependant on someone to function emotionally, it goes both ways..there's support and then there is enabling.. and that does not honour the other, nor encourage them to be the very best they can be, which to me is like being a parent in a way... you need to encourage those you love NOT to be dependant on you, while still loving them. I think it's called interdependance.
peace | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:22:27 AM | broward wrote:
If you truly are a selfish person than you really need to try being unselfish and find out just how rewarding it is It didn't work very well for me. I understand the concept, I've heard this suggestion before but now... now I think it's questionable. It's one building block in a shared social fantasy, a common belief system which, at a distance, appears solid as stone but dissolves into mist if you approach and examine. It only works if all participants avert their eyes from the fog.
I think there could be a couple many happening here:
1) you didn't figure out what the other valued. One person might feel that giving flowers shows love, and the other might be annoyed at this clutter of dead plant material--you know? If for you to see love, you need a hug, and the other person is telling you they love you, but that just doesn't do it for you; then each may be a giver, and feel unacknowledged.
2) Not all are in it for the win-win. Many are looking for the best deal, and giving too much may make the receiver feel your an unlimited resource.
3) I'm sure a whole variety of other things.
I have no earth-shattering insights, just that relationships take work; and I think it's the men that tend to not think about/manage the relationship, whereas the women are getting all sorts of things in the women's magazines about relationships. Hopefully those quizes and articles teach something of value, but at least they are thinking about the relationship while we stumble through in our independent ways.
In a persfect world, people would receive our messages of love and caring, and know we need the same back and all would be well. So our challenge is to love and care, and be cognizant that these things are around us and find/recognize the people and the messages that may speak to us. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:43:40 AM | For a long while after ending a long marriage, I feared putting myself in the position to be hurt.
Now after much thought and discovery, I find I have never been loved nor have I truly loved someone.
When a person is married to someone who's lead a separate life for their entire marriage, I loved a cameleon, and not a real person.
He, by having a separate life, never loved me.
Cameleon love does not count.
Somehow that fact has given me the courage to seek love.
I feel I've been in training for about 30 years and am ready to love and be loved.
I'm so glad I found out when I did.........could of died and never known true love.
ceeceekitty
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/22/2008 11:23:06 AM |
Are you afraid of love?
If love gives and expects nothing in return, then no. If love gives and expects equal in return, then no. But if love tries to kill me while I'm asleep, then yes. If love chases me with an axe around the house, then yes. If love has five different types of STDs, then yes. I think you get the pattern. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/22/2008 2:30:56 PM | Finnegan and Real -
I feel the way you do Finn - and Real I believe you are right - it's hard to get others to understand, so I quit trying. I feel great alone, I have family and friends but the restraints of a relationship........not for me........haven't found the right one you say, well I've interviewed quite a few in my life - lol- why am I on this site - I really don't know!!  | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/22/2008 2:40:41 PM | I think we are all afraid in some way but mostly of falling and getting hurt. But Not love
Remember loving and getting hurt are a part of life, enjoy the moment | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/22/2008 2:53:38 PM | | love is not scary unless you're selfish. In order to understand what true love is give up yourself and learn to love everyone, even those you may want to hate and love yourself last. But on the real love is selfless and it focuses on the positive. | |
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