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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/22/2008 4:07:37 PM | Well... that's a loaded question because many times one SHOULD be afraid of love.
All love is not good.
It means someone wants you in your life... but you need to ask "For what?"
Some people want someone in their life to feel better than, or yell at, or beat up, or abuse in some other way.
Love has it's qualities and the BEloved should pay close attention and evaluate those, lest they be caught in a trap they can't get out of without great difficulty if at all.
yeah... be cautious... | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/22/2008 4:25:03 PM | Funny when an oldish thread resurfaces and you get to revisit yourself through one of your earlier posts (#22). Back then I was worried whether I would be up to the responsibility of loving. We're a few more months along and I'm beginning to trust myself more. Him too, but it has always been me I've worried about.
I remember laying awake almost every night while I was pregnant, terrified that I was totally responsible for launching this human being and was I up to the task? So I'm not surprised to have faced a similar fear as I move into creating real love with this man.
The OPost said this...
Now, when it comes to a serious relationship i'm not talking about the monetary crap, doing the damn dishes or goin out buying your girl's tampons for her or taking out the freaking trash for that matter, i'm talking about the responsibility of someone elses feelings. Now maybe therein lies some selfishness, but that to me is overwhelming, to know that what I do or say can have such a profound affect on the feelings of another whom I happen to care for & may indeed love. To me its a massive responsibility to take on & yeah, i'm a little umm clumsy when it comes to all that.
Early on my fellow made me promise I would share it all. Whatever joy I had or troubles or sadness or anger and especially my fear. He said loving is sharing all of that. I said "but my chit is my own to deal with, I'm responsible for me and I don't want my stuff to spill on your shoes" And he said "love is sharing your life and you can't just give the good bits or the tidy bits, you have to be willing to trust yourself and me with all of it... including, and especially, the bad bits".
He continued "how would you feel if I said I would only share the good times with you?"... and I admitted that wasn't on, that's not what real love is to me. He told me he'd faced enough adversity in his life that whatever I threw at him wasn't going to rock him... so bring it on, give him my best shot and learn to trust that he could hold space for me. Learn to accept love from him by allowing him to share my bad times as well as the good. So I promised to be brave enough to reveal my messy self to him.
In msg #4, tmotts said this in part...
You know you can never have any guarantees of a tomorrow with anyone. All you can possibly have is a feeling of wanting more. Wanting to know more, to experience more, of not wanting to give up.
When you experience this with someone, you learn to take everything that comes with it. Maybe you just haven't experienced this yet, because if you have than everything else would just flow. Both the good and the bad.
We are all selfish in our own ways, but when you learn to give more than receive it's amazing just how balanced things become. There are portions of us that we will see and find that we never knew existed. We can only see these portions when we learn to give more of ourselves.
At the time, her post resonated with me... but I hadn't, not really, given "my bad" to anyone before. I take care of others but don’t really allow them to take care of me… at least, not in the places that scare me. Relating with my fellow has been so effortless, yeah we've had stuff, but none of it so far outside my comfort zone, that my promise hadn't really been tested yet. As Moto Monkey said in msg # 23, essentially speaking of a man’s devotion…
The roof IS his love, in traditional terms. You own what is under it. He keeps the sky from falling. ^^ Something in that post got me, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It was.. how do you trust that another will keep the sky from falling. Isn't it your own responsibility?
So, the first test finally came, and it was a surprise as tests often are.
This weekend, we were chatting on the phone and he said something, not an awful thing at all, just being clumsy as the OP mentioned and it caught on one of my vulnerable spots and he noticed, almost before I did, that I'd gone a bit quiet. (which is what I do when I'm carefully tucking a feeling back in). He immediately apologized, I think he even used the words he’d been clumsy and was sorry it had hurt me - so I started to cry. Mostly, I think, in him recognizing I was hurt, which touched a different vulnerable spot. Quite awesome when someone sees you.
We were ok, no one's fault or blame... we both knew he'd just accidentally hit a soft spot. So I said, "We're ok, I just need to go now and deal with my feelings and I'll call you back in a bit." We said the "I love you's" and hung up... and I sat in the unexpected hurt and sadness (part of me thinking…it was an accident, “get over it, will ya” another part willing to just allow the tears/feelings and, somewhere in the background, worried that he was feeling bad that he’d hurt me).
Within minutes, the doorbell rang and it was him... he'd jumped in a cab. He wrapped me in his arms (he is the best hugger on the face of the planet) saying he couldn't leave me alone in my feelings and I just wailed into his shirt. (gosh I hate admitting that). It was still fresh enough that I hadn't packed it back up but because I promised him I'd fully share and not be careful not to let it spill on his shoes… I just let ‘er rip. Messy? Hell, I put snot on this man’s shirt. What can be more loving than that??
It’s funny how that affected me. I was messy and vulnerable and my sadness poured out of me and all over him. The sky should have fallen in but it didn’t and he held space for me. He didn’t try to make it go away, he didn’t try to alter it or manage it or fix it … he left it as mine, my feelings… and all he did was hold them and me. WoW, I felt loved, and safe. No one has ever done that for me before… and I’ve never trusted someone that much to be that incredibly vulnerable. The sadness just melted away; it was healing, if that makes sense to you.
We talk in the forums about the bonding through sex. I never once in my whole entire life imagined feeling a bond of love and trust deepen and expand by sobbing over nothing in the arms of a man I love.
Thank you sweetie, for giving me the gift of your love. I’m less afraid (careful) this week than I was last. I'm sure the shirt will wash. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/22/2008 7:51:42 PM | No, I'm not afraid. To be afraid to love, is to not experience one of the, if not the greatest joys of human nature. It's for us to give others. It's the greatest gift we have to give......it's of ourselves.
If you love someone you give it unconditionally and when it's reciprocated, well, then it's phenominal. I've been there.
I will say that there sometimes seems a need to protect one's heart and some just cannot give of themselves to another completely and trust. This can be difficult for some. There's something that a friend of mine said that I like very much. "Love isn't two halves making a whole, love is two wholes making an entirely new being". I agree with this. In that you must be complete of yourself before you can love someone else.
There are no guarantees in life and never risking your heart to love is never giving yourself a chance to love or feel true love of another.
People are human.......of course ....and sometimes people say things that hurt anothers feelings. But to err is human, to forgive divine.
When you experience this with someone, you learn to take everything that comes with it. Maybe you just haven't experienced this yet, because if you have than everything else would just flow. Both the good and the bad. This is so true. It all will flow given the chance and taking the time to know each other. There is the bad and in between along with the good. Things don't always run as smoothly and on course as we would like at times. But balance and communication is key of importance. If you cannot communicate your feelings to the other there will not be understanding.
We are all selfish in our own ways, but when you learn to give more than receive it's amazing just how balanced things become. There are portions of us that we will see and find that we never knew existed. We can only see these portions when we learn to give more of ourselves. And this I can guarantee, you _will_ see and feel once you love someone. It's not about _I_, it's about _us_. There is no "I" in "we". You will see yourself in a grand new way, through the eyes of another.
Giving of your self is very important.
But you must love and like your self first of all?
How can a person trust if they do not trust them self?
Loyalty trust fear and honest are very much linked together. Very, very important to love and like yourself, trust in yourself. As the above quote states, if a person doesn't trust themselves, they cannot trust another. Learning to trust in another is learning to love another without fear.
Again, if you never take the risk, you will never find what true love really is and that would be a shame. Yes, your heart might get hurt at times, but that's life and it holds no guarantees for anyone. Those who have truly loved someone before know the feeling is like no other. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/22/2008 10:02:51 PM | | when someone you love does the unthinkable yes i am afraid to love. he took not only my heart but my family, i am just deeply hurt and think that maybe everyone has that ability to stray and when you think you really know someone...........you dont | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:06:33 AM | I have been pondering this thread for few days now... let me see if I can post something coherent...
i'm talking about the responsibility of someone elses feelings. Now maybe therein lies some selfishness, but that to me is overwhelming, to know that what I do or say can have such a profound affect on the feelings of another whom I happen to care for & may indeed love. To me its a massive responsibility to take on & yeah, i'm a little umm clumsy when it comes to all that.
I would not say that this is the sign of selfishness, not in a traditional sense... it's sign of being responsible, perhaps too responsible and too harsh on yourself.
However, it also points out to a certain lack of trust in another person.
Because it shows that you don't really think that they can take care of themselves.
I would like to think that a person who cares for me is also aware that I am a grown up woman and I know how to take care of myself. I was alone for a very long time and I was okay with it. And, if the things don't work out, I will also be okay with it. My heart will not be crushed (ok, maybe chipped a little but it won't be the first time). I have seen the face of evil and walked away without letting it break me, if anything I came out stronger. I have experienced things that most of the women that I know never had, and I lived through those experiences... surely, I can take care of my own feelings.
If I like a person, or think that there is a chance that I might like them one day, I can give them the gift of time so that they can figure out what they want... and, it's a gift because I don't expect anything in return... no guarantees, right?
I would also like to give them the gift of freedom. Freedom to shift focus on what they need to focus on, on how they feel about me and "us"... not on how I feel and what if they hurt me.
A very wise friend said to me, responsibility for and a devastation of hurting another is an awful burden to carry. I understand that and I would like for my partner to know that this is not his burden... not when it comes to me. As long as they are honest with me, I can handle ANYTHING (it is lies, deception or unknowing that I don't handle well) and I am the only one responsible for my feelings, for my happiness and for my hurt.
To leave someone and hurt them now because you are afraid that you might hurt them in the future... to push them away because you are worried that you might push them away one day and that they will hurt then ... to deny present because you are afraid of future... To me that does not make sense.
I would rather give it a try, even if I end up hurting, then wonder "what if?" down the road.
I don't know how one should deal with it... the best that they can do is to try to trust another and take it one day at the time.
There are never guarantees when it comes to love... that's all there is to it. Once you understand that, perhaps the burden will be lesser.
To answer your question briefly: I am much more afraid of life without love than I am afraid of love.
Don't know if it makes sense to others... it kind of does to me...
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:15:18 AM | | YES! No, let me rephrase that....HELL YES! Only someone who's already lost their brain is not afraid of that which tends to suck all the brains right out of your head! LOL! | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:18:12 AM | I don't know what I really want. On some nights I feel lonely not having anyone with me, but when I realize that I'd have to drive out of my way, spend money on someone who probably won't even appreciate it, I think I probably don't want anyone. It's a vicious cycle for me.
Therefore on some lonely times I just go on a messaging spree, but then I don't visit this site for a week or so.. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:57:31 AM | Am I afraid of love?
Yes, and no.
I love.
I am love.
We are all love.
So, no, not afraid of love itself.
But what has brought fear in me, deep in me, is long ago I felt I loved another deeply, romantically, but when I finally put it in those words, it seemed to curse my relationship and, whether coincidentally or not, it soon started moving towards splitting up.
So, I got superstitious about saying it and, if I'm really honest, I got fearful of allowing myself to feel it also in that personal way exclusively with a special somebody.
It's been a long time healing (and learning to love me) and part of the path has been the opportunities to love many and receive love from many - that sort of universal love....it has helped open my heart again (most of the time) and let me feel loving again and be aware my fear is just fear and not really real at all. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/25/2008 11:47:02 AM | Oh, Margo!
The sky should have fallen in but it didn’t and he held space for me. He didn’t try to make it go away, he didn’t try to alter it or manage it or fix it … he left it as mine, my feelings… and all he did was hold them and me. WoW, I felt loved, and safe. No one has ever done that for me before… and I’ve never trusted someone that much to be that incredibly vulnerable. The sadness just melted away; it was healing, if that makes sense to you.
We talk in the forums about the bonding through sex. I never once in my whole entire life imagined feeling a bond of love and trust deepen and expand by sobbing over nothing in the arms of a man I love.
Thank you sweetie, for giving me the gift of your love. I’m less afraid (careful) this week than I was last. I'm sure the shirt will wash.
 I just made it over to this from your mention of it in the other thread, and damn you for making me cry! Your whole post oughta be a sticky, but I particularly love the parts I highlighted...and people think being vulnerable is bad! Pfft! | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/25/2008 12:13:39 PM | wow is right. i just read it too, not feeling i had time earlier...it really touches the essence of our fear to expose ourselves, especially the stuff some of us are most afraid of others to see....it's almost like his and your love helped release more love and helped you go through your fears to discover an even bigger well of love.
i have no more words, but thank you itsmargo, and funny girl for highlighting her post.
ok, now to go find a tissue for the tears..... | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/25/2008 12:21:54 PM | ItsMargo wrote:
So, the first test finally came, and it was a surprise as tests often are.
This weekend, we were chatting on the phone and he said something, not an awful thing at all, just being clumsy as the OP mentioned and it caught on one of my vulnerable spots and he noticed, almost before I did, that I'd gone a bit quiet. (which is what I do when I'm carefully tucking a feeling back in). He immediately apologized, I think he even used the words he’d been clumsy and was sorry it had hurt me - so I started to cry. Mostly, I think, in him recognizing I was hurt, which touched a different vulnerable spot. Quite awesome when someone sees you.
We were ok, no one's fault or blame... we both knew he'd just accidentally hit a soft spot. So I said, "We're ok, I just need to go now and deal with my feelings and I'll call you back in a bit." We said the "I love you's" and hung up... and I sat in the unexpected hurt and sadness (part of me thinking…it was an accident, “get over it, will ya” another part willing to just allow the tears/feelings and, somewhere in the background, worried that he was feeling bad that he’d hurt me).
Within minutes, the doorbell rang and it was him... he'd jumped in a cab. He wrapped me in his arms (he is the best hugger on the face of the planet) saying he couldn't leave me alone in my feelings and I just wailed into his shirt. (gosh I hate admitting that). It was still fresh enough that I hadn't packed it back up but because I promised him I'd fully share and not be careful not to let it spill on his shoes… I just let ‘er rip. Messy? Hell, I put snot on this man’s shirt. What can be more loving than that??
It’s funny how that affected me. I was messy and vulnerable and my sadness poured out of me and all over him. The sky should have fallen in but it didn’t and he held space for me. He didn’t try to make it go away, he didn’t try to alter it or manage it or fix it … he left it as mine, my feelings… and all he did was hold them and me. WoW, I felt loved, and safe. No one has ever done that for me before… and I’ve never trusted someone that much to be that incredibly vulnerable. The sadness just melted away; it was healing, if that makes sense to you.
We talk in the forums about the bonding through sex. I never once in my whole entire life imagined feeling a bond of love and trust deepen and expand by sobbing over nothing in the arms of a man I love.
Thank you sweetie, for giving me the gift of your love. I’m less afraid (careful) this week than I was last. I'm sure the shirt will wash.
NOW THAT'S LOVE. Thank you Margo for sharing this. Made ME cry, remembering that yes, that love is good and it is possible again, thank you sweetie  | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/25/2008 12:29:01 PM | | itsMargo brilliant post, thanks for sharing and pointing me over to this thread from the other one. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 88 | |
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/25/2008 2:27:13 PM | Im not afraid of Love...infact...
...Im more surprised by the amount of people who are and by people who simply decide upon someone by their wants.
Finding that someone is more difficult than people think it is.
You will wander through life...look back and say...that maybe one or two people in your entire lifetime were truly special, everyone else was just incidental.
Im ok with the onus of accepting responsibility for someone's feelings and Im ok with offering responsibility for mine.
I *do* believe its a 50/50 arrangement ie. my own responsibility and theirs
Cos its all about sharing & nurturing each other.
Im not flippant in my emotions...I dont jump from person to person to fill a void, I dont doubt my feelings for another human being, commitment doesnt bother me in the slightest and yet Ive been single 11 years now.
Thats not to say Im impatient either...its more a case of other people putting themselves out there and simply doubting life and what it gives you.
People like you OP.
Cos effectively you have absolutely no right getting involved in other people's lives even for the briefest moment to feel as if you *could* have it or *might* want it or *might* be ready.
Thats your responsibility because you dont trust life.
If I felt the same way as you...it would be mine.
You gotta learn to trust that people are sent to you when its time and whether you think you're ready or not.
Its Opportunities and Actions according to those people who are sent that defines your success in it.
I *do* want another chance to marry and have more children but that doesnt mean I'll do it with just anyone.
The Love that is supposed to go hand in hand with those things will dictate whether I do or not.
So... if that person (my Love) doesnt come to me Im not gonna be so selfish as to take the rest from somebody else just because I *want* it.
People make that mistake in life often. Too often.
^^^ Be very careful OP...that you dont pass up real Love and settle for whats available just because you decide you want it, its the easiest route and you *think* you're ready...cos you wont be
....and will set into action an entire thread of events that need not happen.
I hope you sort this out for your own sake...the impact to other people's lives can be tremendous.
You dont want the responsibility of other people's emotions?
...well here's a heads up for you...you've already got it...whether you want/like it...or not. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/25/2008 2:39:37 PM | I think all of us are afraid of love at some point in our lives...whether the reason is being afraid of loseing our freedom, a bad past relationship, rejection..etc. Give yourself time, and if it's meant to happen... it will. I think it's fantastic you want to be absolutely positive about your feelings before you jump the gun... And you're right..to many people jump in to quickly, have children.. then when things get rough they want to jump out leaving the poor children confused, and miserable.
Good luck...
Sunnie | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/25/2008 2:42:42 PM | This is truly one of the most beautiful threads I've yet to encounter....
"Am I afraid to love?" ..................no...
I have had my heart broken over and over throughout the years because I am not afraid to love and be vulnerable to exposing what is within me when in love. Yes, it hurts...but that is the risk one takes, isn't it? | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/25/2008 3:28:45 PM | I am not afraid of love, I am more afraid of not loving or being loved. I take care of sick and dying patients everyday and I see some people so lonely with no one there to hold their hand or comfort them, then I see others where the spouse/s.o. won't leave their bedside. I don't want to be a person who grows old with no love in their life.
The thing that terrifies me about loving a man again is knowing how to keep it alive. I lost the love for my ex-husband several years before we actually divorced but I held on thinking if I tried hard enough, prayed more, whatever....I could feel something for him again. It didn't happen. I had lost so much respect for him that I died inside and could not find a way to breathe life back into my heart for him. Since that point I have spent over six years trying to answer some questions about intimate, enduring love. I think the key is find someone with whom you have as many factors in common as possible, someone who matches you sexually and intellectually. Someone who when the fantastic sex slows down there is a person you can talk to and genuinely enjoy the company. Then with wisdom of age and experience, understand that you will still go through transitions but the base of the union is still strong.
I have someone in my life now that is so perfect for me, we share a love for music beyond anyone else I have ever met, we literally talk for hours about politics, religion, and any subject we deem worthy! He means so much to me and I have no hesitation in saying that I love him deeply, but I don't know if it is the type of love that you build a future on and grow old together, or the love you have for someone who shares your soul but not a partner for life. He has told me he loves me but yet neither of us are prepared for anything permanent, its like we recognize the feelings but have no desire to move it forward. Or are we just afraid to let it flow? | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/25/2008 5:03:46 PM | ItsMargo,
I just read your post as well.
Dang near made MY face leak too!!!
Would like to leave it there, but feel I should say something on topic.
Guess I would simply add that it's good to hear a story such as your's that reminds us of the value in facing ones fears.
"God bless us, everyone!" | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/25/2008 5:22:19 PM | I'm only wary of getting my life and emotions enmeshed with the wrong person but no I don't think I'm afraid of love. If my head and body and heart told me it was a go, I'd go for it no problem. Just hasn't happened yet. It's always either one or the other but never all at the same time but ...never say never.
Strangerinthe house is too right. Be cautious but not incapable.
Margo...this if fabulous "Hell, I put snot on this man’s shirt. What can be more loving than that??" | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/25/2008 5:48:33 PM | You have a fear of committment, because you are not meeting someone who is as mature as you. Maybe you should question yourself.... why is it these "immature" women are attracted to me? What is it that you are attracted to that loses appeal later in the relationship?
Because we are human, we will disappoint one another. That is why you should not worship another person. You should only look UP and worship God. Do not worship another human being, and you will find that you can FORGIVE their weaknesses. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/31/2008 11:10:56 AM | I'm not afraid of love. I'm afraid of mistaking what I feel for someone as love.
I loved my husband in all ways. That's not to say he was perfect or never did anything to hurt me. But we both knew that this was forever and that changes how one looks at the "bad stuff". You deal with it, together, and move on. A little bit wiser and a lot more tied to each other for going through something tough together.
Having had that kind of relationship I can't blithely step into something that doesn't feel right to me. I want to feel that tingle in my tummy when I see my guy. I want to get nervously excited when he's coming to pick me up for a date. I want my toes to curl when he kisses me. I want to be thinking about being intimate with him, even when I'm the one who won't do it before we're married!
But, so far, almost 3 years since my husband died, I haven't met the guy who can make me feel those things. I'm not worried, though, because it took me 20 years of looking to find the right one last time. I'm just hoping it won't take me 20 years this time! That might only leave me 10-20 years to be with him and everyone knows, that's not enough time to be with someone you love! | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/31/2008 4:51:40 PM |
On some nights I feel lonely not having anyone with me, but when I realize that I'd have to drive out of my way, spend money on someone who probably won't even appreciate it, I think I probably don't want anyone. It's a vicious cycle for me.
Wow. This statement really made me sad and feeling sorry for you.
The day I decide that I would rather be single because I am too lazy to drive X miles, or spend X amount of money will be a sad, sad day.
I'm kind of hoping it was a joke... for your own sake...
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/31/2008 5:15:45 PM | | afraid of love, no, afraid of trusting and losing myself to a man yes. | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/31/2008 5:30:01 PM | | So OP, now that you've decided that you're shooting yourself in the foot, and this fear of love is stopping you from the type of relationship that you want, what are you going to do about it? How will you fix it? I love freely, and have mostly dated men who have loved freely, but I think I ran into someone who doesn't. I would like to know if you think you'll be able to fix yourself and ever love? | |
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| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/31/2008 5:45:59 PM | This song was written and performed by Jeffrey Gaines ... I think it speaks volumes ...
A Dark Love Song
Long long time ago my mother told me
As far as she knows lovin' was only
For those who love themselves
And it ain't for no one else
And you've got to hold inside
A certain amount of pride
Long long way from home
Seems I’ve forgotten
All that I was told
And the heartache is starting
'Cause those who love themselves
Aren't enslaved to no one else
And they don't have to compromise
And they don't have to cover their eyes
Seems I'm trapped I can't break free
Without you who would I be
And I’ve rendered myself powerless
Is my need my cowardice
She's got bruises but she wears them for love
He's got disease but he bears it for love
Don't know what cupid was thinking of
So many of us just slaves for love
Long long chain of fools
And I'm in there somewhere
'Cause love ain't got no rules
But somehow I still care
For those who love themselves
Even more than I love myself
And though you bring me pain and sorrow
I'll still be here tomorrow
Seems I'm trapped I can't break free
Without you who would I be
I’ve rendered myself powerless
Is my need my cowardice
She's got bruises but she'll wear them for love
He's got a new disease but he'll bear it for love
Don't know what cupid was thinking of
So many of us just slaves for love
Fools for love | |
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