| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 1/16/2008 4:23:48 AM |
Being tired of being alone and misunderstood isn't really a great way to attract people. Try being the way you would like to be treated. It will help with liking who you're with, when you're alone:)
But your missing the heart of what Asperger's is. It's not that simple. That advice holds true for the average person but I don't think it does to anyone with this condition. I've been tired of being misunderstood for 38 years now. I try and try again to communicate in ways that the average person will understand, I have a very good understanding of human psychology as well. Yet no matter how hard I try end up often in that boat. Even when you tell people around you how you are and how you react (or don't react) to things they still don't get it when it happens. I have learned that you can only buffer the situation and not fully resolve it.
I do try to treat people the way I like to be treated, but most people don't want to be treated that way. :) | |
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Nona37
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Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 27 | |
| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 1/16/2008 5:25:01 AM | This thread caught my eye. The reason it caught my eye is that at one point my son was thought to have Ausberger's, it was a rough period for me from an emotional standpoint, for I kept wondering the very things in which you are wondering. Will my son be able to fall in love? Will he be capable of doing as such? Come to find out, my son does not have any form of Autism, but during that period, I did enlist a friend of mine to educate me on this condition and I must say, she was very positive, her son has Ausberger's, and where he is a little extreme at times, he does indeed have a girlfriend, who does NOT have ausberger's by the way, and they are very happy, I must say, her son is very unique, and the girlfriend actually stated to the mom, that is what I love about your son!
Don't give up hope, even with myself not having any known medical condition has problems meeting a quality man, so you are not alone, and be patient and it will happen, not when you will automatically want it to happen, love typically doesn't work that way, it will happen with you least expect it, therefore, good luck to you in your search for that special someone, it will happen and when it does, you will be very happy and I for one will be happy for you :)
Take Care | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 1/16/2008 8:15:08 AM | Good Morning OP and others,
Thank you for starting this thread, OP. It is a question close to my heart because I am raising a young son who has Aspergers. What a great kid he is but I do have concerns about his future regarding relationships, dating, and marriage. He is an incredibly loving and wise person but definitely has some behavior that sometimes sets him apart from others and he so badly wants to connect socially. It is sometimes painful to watch. However, he manages to find his way, does have people, friends, and family who absolutely adore him, has a best friend, and has MANY interests. After reading posts from you, OP, and other Aspies, I feel hopeful for him and see that his life has the potential for love, creativity, and gratification. It will be what he makes it to be much like the rest of us do inspite of our own quirkiness. My son has a positive self-image and sees autism as a strength within himself which it is. His focus and brilliance is beyond so called "typical" brains and it is a gift that I encourage him to share with the world if he chooses. And, his beautiful heart is something worth sharing too. It is good to know that he can and will find love in his adult life. I believe you will too, OP. This has been one of the most real and authentic threads I have read on POF. What a great question. Thank you again for asking it.
prettyladyfisherman | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 1/16/2008 11:16:56 PM |
I do try to treat people the way I like to be treated, but most people don't want to be treated that way. :)
That isn't what I meant. I mean be who you want to be, regardless of how you are treated by others. There's a difference. Be the person you imagine you'd be, if you were treated the way you want to be by others. You have more power over yourself than the tons of others you deal with in life.
I don't have that condition and get misunderstood frequently. Evidence is above. Everyone is misunderstood a lot in life. Aspergers (sp?)or no. The end result is how you choose to deal with it. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 1/17/2008 3:14:07 AM |
That isn't what I meant. I mean be who you want to be, regardless of how you are treated by others. There's a difference. Be the person you imagine you'd be, if you were treated the way you want to be by others. You have more power over yourself than the tons of others you deal with in life.
But I think we do do that... that's where things go wrong, lol. People don't like the directness/bluntness or the lack of emotional attachment that most of us offer and totally respect. People with Asperger's tend to be (from my experience with myself and others that I have known with it) the ones that evaluate and can see all sides of a story and pick the sides that makes logical sense instead of getting emotionally involved. We're kind of like Vulcans. :D | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 1/17/2008 3:35:57 AM |
But I think we do do that... that's where things go wrong, lol. People don't like the directness/bluntness or the lack of emotional attachment that most of us offer and totally respect. People with Asperger's tend to be (from my experience with myself and others that I have known with it) the ones that evaluate and can see all sides of a story and pick the sides that makes logical sense instead of getting emotionally involved. We're kind of like Vulcans. :D
Well, then I have it too then. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 1/17/2008 4:32:35 AM | It is a fairly common disorder found in geeks. If you're interested in seeing if you might be classified as potentially having it then check out this basic assessment test. A score of 32+ is what they first look for intially, I think I scored 38 when I took it but it's been a while now.
http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 1/17/2008 4:32:47 AM | some of us don't know what the meaning of the word..Asperger's..is?
a condition?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome
For those that bich and moan about the link provided "wikipedia isn't reliable" aka, it says things that I disagree with...., give your own. Only source that doesn't have sponsors and therefore I can link. Assuming the rules haven't changed. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 1/18/2008 5:56:37 PM | | I was married to a man for ten years. He was the most brilliant talented man I have ever met. He would spend endless hours rebuilding motors on cars and could fix anything put in front of him. I struggled for ten years trying to understand why he could spend so much time on things like that but, he never could spend time with me and his children showing us love affection and attention. I began to believe he really did not love us or want us around. I finally gave up not just from that but other issues as well. However, that did play a huge part. We have been divorced for about ten years and he since remarried and tried to build another family. His new wife struggled just as I did with the same issues. They also had a son and he was diagnosed with Asperger's they could not figure out where this came from untill the Dr. met with my ex and they found out he also has Asperger's. I did not know this untill just recently. He and I were talking one day and I told him how I always felt he did not love us and then he explained his condition. I cried in relief because for twenty years now I have wonder what was wrong with us that made him unable to show affection to us. I think you can have a great relationship if you make that person aware of the condition prior to a relationship. Had I known then what I know now It would of made a big diffrence in our relationship. Hold your head high your special and there is nothing wrong with that. The best part is you are aware of the situation and you can be upfront from the start and if anyone can't deal or is not willing to deal with it then they are not for you. The right man will come along. I have faith and believe and you should as well....that there is someone for all us. GOOD LUCK | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 1/18/2008 6:05:55 PM | I know a lady that has Asperger's and is married and also has a couple boyfriends and girlfriends. ;)
(she is in an open relationship)
It is totally possible to find people who accept you, don't feel hopeless.
Have you joined any online communities centered around it? | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 1/18/2008 6:16:21 PM | I think that it is great that you date and are on the forum letting people know that there are different people around.
You so aren't a freak and the Aspies I have met are so much more giving!
Like any "disability" you have to explain it. People don't always get it. It may take a little for some people to understand how you perceive things, but you know what, it really is that way with everyone you meet. Everyone is different, raised differently, different interests, etc.
I wish you luck in finding the right man! Proud Aspie mommy! | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 6/5/2008 5:46:59 PM | I always get a giggle out of people who say things like "we all feel different sometimes", or "everyone gets nervous meeting new people"...my favorite is, "i like alone time too".
What people without Asperger's don't seem to get is all of it at the same time.
Not to mention the sensory overstimulation.
And yes, we can be high maintenance if we haven't learned tricks and coping skills in order to avoid the odd looks from people.
I wasn't diagnosed until 38 years old, and it really did help me rediscover who I am..and who I'm not!
Telling an Aspie to just try something else is like telling a dog to meow. It won't happen, it won't work, it's not physically (or mentally) possible. We are, to borrow an overused phrase, wired differently.
For myself, Aspie + Aspie = nightmare.
Aspie + Understanding + Supportive = Bliss.
Find something you enjoy, do it. Make an extra effort to learn social tricks, even if it's returning a smile and keep pushing forward.
It's not a mental disorder...it's not a psychiatric issue. It's neurologicial, and as part of a person's existence as the color of their eyes would be.
And while many share the same traits, there are no 2 aspies alike (as with most people I would assume), so for one to have success at something, is no indication of it's achievment possibilities.
Cool aspie factoid, we're wildly weirdly gifted in areas most couldn't begin to comprehend...celebrate it and share it with whomever cares to listen
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 6/6/2008 9:56:31 AM | For those who still don't know what Asperger's is
http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/asperger/detail_asperger.htm
Also, for any female aspies, I highly recommended the book Pretending to be Normal, by Liane Wiley
Great read | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 6/6/2008 4:20:59 PM | | i've met a few people with asperger's and i always get the idea that they're just wired differently. living in a university town, i met plenty of brilliant people, including several who dwell in a completely different universe, filled with astrophysical theories few can hope to comprehend. but for these individuals, these ideas comprised their reality. once you accepted that, you could more or less interact with them. just don't ask them to leave their 'comfort zone.' one guy (who had created some formula that nasa used back in the '80s) actually hooked up with a really cute hippy chick who thought he was the coolest thing ever! i do think asperger's people can find happiness. they may just have to look a bit harder and exercise more patience. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 6/6/2008 8:35:54 PM | Many on this post have provided alot of encouragement and support.
Celebrate your uniqueness. Although this may be difficult, surround yourself with those that appreciate you and celebrate your talents.
Try to focus and be involved with those areas that bring you joy, instead of those areas that bring you down and allow for negative emotions to flood your perspective.
This is not to minimize your concerns, but only to communicate and encourage you in your journey learning to celebrate others and to celebrate yourself.
Blessings to you
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 6/9/2008 8:32:15 PM | My daughter has Asperger Syndrome and she is wonderful. I spent a lot of one on one time with her when she was younger, and I have had to deal with her differently than I did my other kids. I let her be responsible for things both emotionally and financially sooner than I did her sisters. (She did not always understand this or appreciate it) I now look back and wish I'd done this with my other kids, as she has turned out to be more responsible in many ways than the others. She is now going to school to become a nurse, and she is motivated and resourceful. She has a part time job and pays for all her college herself, yes she'd love help, but I pay her rent, insurance, both health and car, and food here in the house, so for now, that's my contribution. She has a boyfriend who is bipolar......now before everyone explodes....I find this interesting. He 'gets' her......she 'gets' him.......her sisters don't care for him at all, and I've had my moments too......but for some reason it works. All the parents are supportive of the kids....in that it is THEIR relationship and we stay out of it.....period. Sometimes what doesn't look good to me, is perfect for her. I'm not recommending that one with asperger's goes and gets a bipolar partner, but for them it's great.....not always fun at family gatherings, but not all family gatherings are fun either....but the bottom line......she is confident in herself and I smile at her many times because I see a young woman full of confidence in herself and her abilities, and I think.....wow, wish I had been like her at her age.....the things I could have done back then with time and age on my side......I stand in total awe of her and I love her with all my heart. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 6/10/2008 2:56:55 AM |
He 'gets' her......she 'gets' him.......her sisters don't care for him at all, and I've had my moments too......but for some reason it works. All the parents are supportive of the kids....in that it is THEIR relationship and we stay out of it.....period.
I think it makes a lot of sense. I tend to be a lot more tolerant towards others with their own problems/issues simply because I "get it". I understand what it feels like to be different. I understand that we're not all perfect and that we sometimes can't control the things we feel or how we react (or don't react) to things. While I wouldn't run out and look for a bi-polar guy I do accept what society would consider character flaws a lot more willingly than a lot of the general population. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 6/11/2008 11:26:32 PM | I know its possible for people with asperger's to find love and understanding. My son has it but he's only 15 end of this month so too early for him (i hope) lol. I do know someone who is in his late 20's with asperger's and he's with a lovely girl and has a child with her. I have chatted with her a few times as we both have something in common we both have love for a person with asperger's. I know being a mother it's my natural instinct to be understanding of my child but when I talk to her she most definitely loves and understands her partner for who he is, which I find very comforting. I also have a friend with a son coming up to 18 that has it and ok there may be ups and downs but thats to be expected with any child that age. I think you need to take a closer look at yourself and realise your good points and that you deserve to be happy with a loved one. Anyone that falls in love with you will accept you for who you are warts and all, after all nobody's perfect and I've never met a person with aspergers that doesn't have a huge heart and have much better qualities than a lot of people out there. So don't give up hope. Also don't put too much emphasis into needing to be in a relationship. You need to find an interest or hobby or something that you enjoy doing, have fun and be happy being you the rest should fall into place.
Good luck. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 6/12/2008 3:02:48 AM | Well I certainly hope so.
My eldest son is mildly Aspergers and he's had to struggle for acceptance most of his life.
He's got a great support network around him and is helped by some good medicine and he'll do okay I think. He just needs a bit more patience than other kids.
As he grows into adulthood I hope he and his 2 brothers continue to expand their circle of friends and eventually find some great girls to date and be involved with. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 6/13/2008 12:54:39 AM | My youngest son is an aspie........ This is something I am concerned with......trying to guide him to where he will be able to have relationships........ he is pretty much normal....but socially quirky........He has to work on the remaining deficits.....and it is formidable.
I have ADHD and PTSD.......that coupled with me being an INFP has been a lot to deal with
I spent years trying to be "normal" and then when a relationship would get going and they would notice I was nuts. I make sure people know that I am different up front now........... hoping that I get into some kinda overaged Benny and joon thing or a find neurotypical lady that finds chronic psychological issues endearing.
You have to be patient!!! | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 7/9/2008 8:11:36 PM | Asperger's Syndrome affects every aspect of a person's life no matter the severity, especially in just conversing! So even it is so so so mild like Bill Gates or Dr. Vernon Smith, if they truly have it, understanding can be hard to come by. It would be challenging for many Neurotypicals (NTs) to understand and cope with and it doesn't help when people say "we are all misunderstood" or " I get a little shy", or "we all get a little quirky". The point is missed when people say that! And that's the trouble with an invisible disability like Non-verbal Learning Disability (NLD or NVLD) and Asperger's Syndrome (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA). This is especially troublesome when trying to find and retain jobs / careers! Because many with AS have one, two or even three university / college degrees, but have trouble relating to people, keeping employment. And people cannot understand if they are so bright, articulate, resourceful, why they can't make and keep friends, retain employment.
Yes, challenges with AS should not deter people from trying their best in their lives. Believing in yourself is a critical first step for sure! However, how do you believe in yourself after repeated failures, when you try different things but you seem to come up short! You need a lot of mentorship, true friends that will engage you and encourage you and yes, people to do some things for you and with you! With enough repetition you can get yourself out of a rut and start to achieve again!
I believed that I would lose a lot of weight but for a long time it didn't happen because I did not employ the right tools (have the supportive environment, right techniques - lifestyle change in what you eat and lots of exercise) but then I got lucky and found real support back home in the United Kingdom of Great Britain, and as a result, in concert with my "belief" and the necessary tools, I dropped the weight like there was no tomorrow! I had constant encouragement! So my belief grew stronger and manifested what has now become a reality for me. I'm a decent weight and feel better physically.
It is not enough just to believe in yourself although that is a powerful first start!!!!. The Secret Movie operates on this premise (www.thesecret.tv). | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 7/10/2008 1:55:15 AM | My youngest son is autistic and 21. He has been in love with his girl friend for five years now, and they will be married in two years when his vocational training is complete.
Don't give up hope. I know your feelings but you are reaching out in this place and you will find companionship. Try to remain safe and true to yourself.
Best wishes! | |
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