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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 7/12/2008 7:21:21 AM | Yes, so true, the heart of Asperger's isn't that simple, I'm afraid. You're misunderstood at the best and at the worst of times.
Quite a few people with Asperger's like who they are when they alone too! But they also would like to have genuine friendships, a good social life, and when they are excluded and not able to fit in, that's where friction occurs as well. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 7/22/2008 9:30:23 PM | | I think I may have to see if I have this condition. I've always just considered myself a "hardcore" introvert, but this knowledge brings new possibilities to the table. I definitely prefer my solitude and only hang out with people I consider very close friends. I don't date, the whole process generally seems unappealing. I'm not close with my family. In fact, when my grandfather died last year, I didn't feel sad at all. I felt bad because I didn't feel sad and I can't say that I honestly love anyone. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 8/28/2008 3:30:46 AM | Hi Irish
You need not be an introvert to have Aspergers. I am being looked at for the condition now....and I am in my 40s and have been a total extrovert all my life! Just kind of eccentric and 'arty' but at the same time a neat freak and into routines! I also stare into space a lot and used to say whatever was on my mind, even if it was out of context. Like, why am I typing all this now? And I hated my routines being changed, it would send me into a lather of anxiety. I am actually learning to fit in, the more I think about it. I am a lot better than I used to be, just interesting.
I know about not being able to love any more, though. I guess even 'normal' people can get to that stage. I am kind of happy that someone has finally started to look at it because all my life I have been kind of strange and outcast, despite the extroversion (very difficult). But no one could ever pin a mental illness on me and put it down to simply being talented (art, writing, acting) and intelligent. My profile says I don't know what makes men tick and I wrote that long before this issued was considered. I don't think I really want to be normal, anyway. I have several good friends who are equally, if not more, weird! And life is fun. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 8/28/2008 3:49:29 AM | Someone wrote:
"I managed to always have a girlfriend and still do because I learned to understand women. You really don't have an affliction you have a gift. Most people can't think circles around things like we do. Aspergers gives you a severe focus but you have to know how to use it."
If you can learn how to use this focus, especially at a young age, Aspergers can actually be an amazing gift.
Aspergers wasn't widely recognized back then but, as a child, I was labelled as "very shy" yet also "very imaginative". Could have gone any way, but I was blessed to live in a neighbourhood that provided me with friends that appreciated the fantastical worlds I created, and a mother who would push me to continue to socialize in spite of being content to watch birds in the backyard all day. My creativity was embraced by many and I was able to figure out ways to use my intense focus (and to curb my distractibility) to excel at many things. Again, change one of the variables and this could have all gone a less positive way.
I did suffer a lot because of it, but had other outlets that made me feel better. Nobody would ever label me as "shy" or "antisocial" now - in fact, I'm quite the reverse. My focus goes to people that I am with and I am intensely interested in what they have to say and who they are.
And, yes, you can have long-term meaningful relationships with Aspergers. :-) | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 12/30/2008 2:35:56 AM | OP, it's natural to feel misunderstood and alienated from a world that doesn't seem to always understand you. But there ARE people who will love and accept you as you are, the problem is you have to find these people.
Expressing yourself, like you've done here, is a good way to do that!
Also, try joining a club -- maybe something in your area for people like you?
It's worth a try!!!
If you can stand it, also maybe some regular clubs, like a knitting club. I see in your profile you have a guitar. Maybe a guitar class?
My son was diagnosed with autism when he was 2. He is very high functioning and very sweet and loving. I wish I could post a picture!
One of the greatest gifts he has is he doesn't seem to notice that he's different. He doesn't pay attention to anyone that doesn't "get him" -- and you know what?
People love him for it. He seems to bring out the best in others because he radiates positivity where ever he goes.
Fine that positivity in yourself. It's there, sweetheart !! 
Best of luck to you. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/14/2009 7:05:53 PM | Rather than starting a new topic I figure I'll add to this one.
I have Asperger's Syndrome (diagnosed) and I'm having a lot of trouble initiating any sort of relationship with women, I do have female friends that I get along with but I don't have close friendships with anyone and most of my activities and hobbies I do alone.
I think I'm a bit robotic and I have below average social skills and can't even get any chat started. My word selection doesn't seem to work with women. I don't know how to "loosen up" and be more natural but I don't know what to do. I see a psychologist and she offers me advice but it's all forgotten in the situations I need it most.
So yeah I'm beginning to wonder if anyone will ever understand me. I'm sure there are women out there that share some interests as I do but I'm missing out on the opportunities to initiate any sort of conversation with women especially online. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/14/2009 7:35:29 PM | Hi Kwaka,
My nephew has Asperger's Syndrome so I've witnessed some of the problems he has. He also had trouble making friends, mainly because he communicated in a very formal, measured manner. I think that when you have this condition you find whatever methodology works for you, that helps you get by, but it's not always something other people understand. He was able to make friends by finding people who shared the same interests. As it happens, he is very talented in music, both as a musician and understanding theory (I think I've said that correctly). He joined the school band and people commented on his playing, etc. That helped initiate conversations. As he grew more comfortable with relating to people his confidence grew.
In a manner of speaking, he had to study the other students, to see how they functioned, how they spoke to each other, how they spoke to people in authority. It wasn't that he was denying who he really was by imitating them, he was simply training himself. Later, he could use the methods he learned in order to express his feelings, opinions, taste in music, etc. He has several close friends now.
Like yourself, he has problems communicating with women. He is either incredibly shy around a girl, or impulsive, asking someone out whom he just met. As an observer, I would say one of his biggest problems is that he puts women on a pedestal. A woman should be honored and respected but remember, she's just as human as you, sometimes filled with insecurities about her looks, personality and ability to be interesting to other people. If you get overwhelmed when speaking to a girl it isn't going to help....easy for me to say, right? Well, I was incredibly shy as a teen and it took me a while to appear confident..i say "appear" because I wasn't-I was faking it at first. But I knew not to go too fast. Friends first.
Is it possible that what you say to women is too impulsive or that you swamp them with information right off the bat? You've got to trust in what your Therapist tells you or get another Therapist. Will he or she practice with you, having the kinds of conversations you're trying to master?
I really feel for your plight and I hope at least a bit of what I've said is of help. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/14/2009 9:27:56 PM | AS is a pain in the ass as far as dating goes. Missing facial cues, other person not so into your circumscribed interests, they want to go to loud, bright places and have lengthy conversations about nothing at all, etc, etc, etc.
I'm 42, just discovered I wasn't ADHD but instead was AS about four years ago, and I recently exited a relationship with an AS female. I cut her a whole spool of slack twice a week and she still just wore me out. It's apparently common for women with AS to talk right out loud about stuff the neurotypical would process internally. She'd say something that was pretty much the verbal equivalent of a slap across the face, I'd cringe, then five minutes later she'd be back saying something to the effect that she'd thought it over, what she said was incorrect, and she never internalized the idea that this was damaging to our relationship.
So ... everyone deserves companionship, love, lust, etc, it's just a lot harder for us to get there and stay there. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/14/2009 9:32:25 PM | @kwaka
One of the things I found very helpful was digging into hypnosis techniques. There is a bunch of stuff about watching eye movement and breathing and such. We lack the innate ability to 'read' people but there is a path to being able to do so on an analytical basis. I particularly like the work of Richard Bandler - very accessible, lots of books, audio and video training available, etc. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/14/2009 9:53:43 PM | Its not impossible for someone with Asperger's to find a loving companion. I don't know what else to say.
It's not easy to be different. But you can look at it in a different way and look at it as a a blessing. Why follow the mainstream? The mainstream is "normal" but boringly predictable.
Sometimes being different is wonderful. Being a unique person like yourself, means that there will be a unique person for you to share your life with. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/14/2009 10:03:40 PM |
It's apparently common for women with AS to talk right out loud about stuff the neurotypical would process internally. She'd say something that was pretty much the verbal equivalent of a slap across the face, I'd cringe, then five minutes later she'd be back saying something to the effect that she'd thought it over, what she said was incorrect, and she never internalized the idea that this was damaging to our relationship. Did you ever tell her?
I think one of the things about people with Aspergers, perhaps, is that they need telling things in a direct way that other people would figure out by the look on your face -- and that they can handle being told such things very bluntly, that would upset other people. You are right that it's possible to learn that for which we have no instinct. These days I am generally considered to be pretty good at understanding people's behaviour and suggesting explanations for it. I am generally pretty good at getting along with people, though I don't do this in quite the same way as others. Sometimes I feel very child-like in the way I respond to people; tending to be very open and liking people -- other times I feel that they are very childlike as they have tantrums at each other, sulk and can be extremely short-sighted.
I used to find all people scary and mysterious and I really don't see them that way any more. Most people can be understood at some level. At times, I still feel at a loss, like a fish out of water, when I am with people -- but I think that's something that everyone experiences every so often, Aspergers or no. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/15/2009 5:01:02 AM | The people that don't have AS but have just observed it always seem to think it's so simple. :) Until you have lived with it you really don't realize just how difficult it is and how emotionally exhausting it can be.
I believe I have said before and I will say it again... you need to find like minded people. If you're a guy you need to look for a girl that is more on the geekier side because odds are higher she shares some of the same issues that you do. When you're selling yourself to people tell them, I say what I mean and can be direct about it... sometimes too direct. I warn my potential dates early on that sometimes I might say things that to me aren't harsh (because it's just truth) that others cringe about or even get cry and hurt over. If I do that I need to be told, because if no one ever tells me then I won't know what to (try) not to do again. Odd phrasing and thoughts catch a lot of people off guard and make them uncomfortable. An example was a coworker and I were talking about my ex-husbands father and how he was a civilian military class while I was with them... he asked if he had retired from that job and I said matter of factly "I guess so, since he's dead now" lol. I mean it was logical... he died around the age of retirement so I just processed the thought as he must have and said it outloud. Most people wouldn't say something like that I guess. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/16/2009 2:53:42 AM | | I think that's everyone's problem on here. Most people don't get responses to most of their messages. It's all about being persistent and not taking it personally when someone decides you're not the one they're looking for. You're profile looks good and has a lot of information in it. So unless you're saying something wrong (or nothing at all) in the emails you send out then you're in the same boat as everyone else. Just take a look at the threads sometime in the forums and you'll see many many men and women complaining about this topic. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/16/2009 9:48:34 PM | Hi
Well since I last posted here I got 2 messages, one of them from this site, and one from another site 
sherilyn70: I don't really write a whole lot when I message someone, I just ask them to read my profile and ask them if they are interested to get to know me. Admittingly I think they're a bit lame, but I wouldn't know how else to approach a girl without risking being a try hard.
parklabrea: Last week my psychologist wanted to act out as the girl I am interested in at work for a long time and tried to initiate conversation with her, as I have had trouble being myself around her. I made every excuse to get out of the role play, saying that she didn't look like her, and she doesn't normally say that, etc etc. I don't like getting into situations that make me feel uncomfortable, and I guess being around this girl makes me say the wrong things to her and give her the wrong impression, she used to talk to me normally but now I feel she avoids me as much as possible.
everyone: I'm still new to this online dating website thing so maybe I'll manage to learn a few of the "tricks of the trade," you guys/gals have already helped me and I do already believe that Aspies can find true love even if it might be a bit (or a lot) more difficult for us. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/17/2009 7:53:40 PM | Being very proudly Asperger's, I find that the world is different for me. Much so in a wonderful way, but in some aspects, such as dating, not-so-wonderfully.
To me, true beauty is mechanical, like a streamlined Pennsylvania Railroad K4 Pacific class steam engine, or a Milwaukee class 'A' Hiawatha locomotive. Beauty is in a Boeing 727 or a Vickers Viscout. It is also in GMC 'Fishbowl' buses (My user name, PaceTDH5301, the TDH5301, refers to a 40 foot 'Fishbowl' bus). I don't see humans as attractive as such. I know some-many- may find it strange, but that is how the Aspie mind works for some of us.
I tend to think like a computer- in hard logic. 1+2=3. That is me. This means that I found a natural knack for computer repair. I understand motherboards, expansion cards, processors, etc... on a scientific level, and to me it is natural. I tend to watch a computer for three or five minutes, and I can diagnose it usually.
Not so bad in the professional life- once I was working in Chicago at the Planetarium, and they were ready to junk a $12,000 LCD. Techs with a Bachelors Degree couldn't fix it. So I spent my lunch hour on it, and got it working. While working there too, I took two different Apple Powerbooks and made one working one out of the two that were dead. The other fellows tried this, and couldn't make it work. I'm said to have a bit of magic in what I do with machines.
But, when it comes to humans, if it isn't transport or computer related, my mind 'locks'. Case in point, I was on bus run 102 a couple weeks ago, the first westbound of the morning, joyriding around. We were coming back into town headed back to the terminal, and a woman boards. I was standing up fr0nt with the driver, talking about Pace. She came up about 30 cents short of fare, according to the farebox counter. So I paid the balance due, and told her to go have a seat. We has bus 2442, which we call a 'kangaroo' due to the way it bounces over every irregularity in the road (2430 is even worse).
Mile up the route, she comes back up and smiles. Asks me why I paid it. I told her, because the bus is a kangaroo, and I didn't want her to get bumped around into the windshield or farebox.
It wasn't until later in the day that I figured out, from the smiles she had and such, that she might have wanted to chat or something.
Really, Aspergers Syndrome is a great thing, I think. I couldn't imagine a life without it, nor would I want to. I pride myself on my ability to fix anything I want and identify a type of diesel locomotive from nearly a thousand feet away. But, yes, it is hard to accept people who can appreciate this.
Oh well. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/17/2009 8:18:59 PM |
Really, Aspergers Syndrome is a great thing, I think. I couldn't imagine a life without it, nor would I want to. I pride myself on my ability to fix anything I want and identify a type of diesel locomotive from nearly a thousand feet away. But, yes, it is hard to accept people who can appreciate this.
That pretty much sums it up I think. I am happy with myself and who I am and where I am in life. If someone can't accept me for the things that I take pride in then they simply aren't the right person for me and I just move on. If you want something badly enough and are willing to put a little work into it you will eventually find another person that compliments your life and who you are. It doesn't matter what others think or say in the process as long as you never sacrifice who you are in the process and pretend to be something you are not.
I was fortunate. Last June I met that someone that compliments me 100%. He understands me and appreciates everything about me even if it is a little unconventional or unexpected. Just when I was about to give up on ever finding what I really wanted in a partner... he came along and proved to me that it really did exist. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/17/2009 8:29:06 PM | | Yes, you can find love and understanding. Don't give up on the idea that it can happen for you. There are good people out there that are patient and willing to accept you for who you are. No matter what the circumstances may be. It's also very important that when you do find someone (which I believe you will) that you let them know how you feel about things. Don't be too hard on yourself either. Support groups as you may already be aware of are available for people with similar conditions and struggles to find the one. They can be extremely helpful. You're definitely not on the outside looking in...you're very much on the inside and you will find what you're looking for. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/17/2009 10:36:41 PM |
Really, Aspergers Syndrome is a great thing, I think. I couldn't imagine a life without it, nor would I want to. I pride myself on my ability to fix anything I want and identify a type of diesel locomotive from nearly a thousand feet away. But, yes, it is hard to accept people who can appreciate this.
That depends on where you're at on the spectrum. I'd give almost anything to have my Aspergers "cured". It keeps me from being happy and limits just about every facet of my life. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/18/2009 3:16:36 AM |
Advice for young aspies. Make one of your special interests women.
Women are not mechanical nor logical creatures.... that makes no sense to give that advice to someone with apsergers. People are not a "special interest" situation since it also requires being able to read facial expressions and understand social ques. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/18/2009 3:19:34 AM |
That depends on where you're at on the spectrum. I'd give almost anything to have my Aspergers "cured". It keeps me from being happy and limits just about every facet of my life.
While it would be easy and convenient for it to go away... I don't believe it would be the key to happiness. Happiness is found by liking yourself and who you are and having confidence in that. If you'd stop feeling uncomfortable with who you were and embrace the good things about yourself you might find the situation to be a little different. Asperger's does not make people sad, the people around you that criticize you and make you feel like a outcast do. Get rid of those people in your life. | |
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