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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/18/2009 6:21:51 PM |
While it would be easy and convenient for it to go away... I don't believe it would be the key to happiness. Happiness is found by liking yourself and who you are and having confidence in that. If you'd stop feeling uncomfortable with who you were and embrace the good things about yourself you might find the situation to be a little different. Asperger's does not make people sad, the people around you that criticize you and make you feel like a outcast do. Get rid of those people in your life. That's good advice for someone who is depressed, but that's not me. Aspergers doesn't make me "sad" per se. It does limit a lot of aspects of my life. I blame Aspergers for the fact that I've never had a girlfriend. I can't do small talk. I hate it. I detest it. I can't even begin to describe how stupid I think small talk is. With that in mind, how is one supposed to meet people, women in particular?
Because of Aspergers, my interests are very focused and limited. I have a number of hobbies but they are pretty much solo activities. The few social hobbies/interests I do have aren't, in anyway, conducive to meeting women.
It also vastly limits my career and earning options. None of my special interests can be applied to any kind of career and I have a very, very hard time focusing on and learning things that I find extremely boring. I currently have an entry level IT position and don't really see myself advancing because I'm unable to learn the skills to advance and because I have a college degree that pretty much only applies to that field, my chances of landing a well paying job in a different field, especially with the economy the way it is, are slim to none. Yes, I am thankful to have the job I do, however.
Then there's the hypersensitivities. I hate having to wear sunglasses whenever I go outside during the day. You get a lot of weird looks when it's raining and overcast and you're walking around with dark sunglasses on because even that kind of light will give you a bad headache. This also relates to potential jobs/careers because dress shirts and their collars feel like the roughest sandpaper on my skin. I doubt I could ever work at a job that requires a suit to be worn on a daily basis.
All that and I haven't even touched on the common social problems yet . . . | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/19/2009 3:22:22 AM | That's good advice for someone who is depressed, but that's not me. Aspergers doesn't make me "sad" per se. It does limit a lot of aspects of my life. I blame Aspergers for the fact that I've never had a girlfriend. I can't do small talk. I hate it. I detest it. I can't even begin to describe how stupid I think small talk is. With that in mind, how is one supposed to meet people, women in particular?
Funny.... I have aspergers and I have never been sad because of it. Frustrated and exhausted from the emotional struggle of it, yes but never downright sad. Neither have the others I have known that have it. We're all rather proud of who we are and all have an attitude of "well if you don't like me then that's your loss". The fact that you are blaming it for things you haven't done and can't do just further proves my point. You're letting things get you down because you think you have to be a certain way. There have been plenty of tips in here (from myself included) on how to learn to get past these obstacles. I can't do small talk either and I refuse to do it. It hasn't stopped me though, it just made the challenge of finding someone a little more difficult. You're just making excuses.
As for the hypersensitivity... well I haven't met any men that had those. I have them myself but I also assumed it was from my fibromylagia. There are workarounds if you're just willing to find them. You're not the only man I've known with light sensitivity issues and had to wear sunglasses in a partially clouded environment. they never felt ackward about it. A lot of jobs are business casual meaning you can wear a polo shirt that is much looser than a dress shirt, or in my case jeans and tshirt.
You are the one limiting yourself, not your aspergers. You won't get beyond any entry level job simply because you aren't willing to put the effort in. I know I don't want to go into management and I'm perfectly fine with that. I don't need to make over 50k a year to have a good life.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop thinking of yourself as an outcast and just embrace your strong points. Go get a therapist, they can help you learn to spot your positives and point out when you start to fall into your negative destruction. There are people all over the world with disabilities that make them feel helpless and unwanted and you just have to learn how to make the best of it and maximize what you can do. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/19/2009 10:26:53 PM | I'm ambivalent about my Asperger's, at least now that I'm well into this middle aged business.
I've developed a pretty good set of coping skills - I learned that whole 'accessing cues' thing as taught by Richard Bandler, I've otherwise worked on perceptual acuity regarding the emotional condition of others, and I keep pretty quiet in social situations. People think I'm shy :-)
I would not trade away my autistic super powers - I like the sort of career I have, people value my skills enough to put up with my at times odd behavior, and that is that.
I think I've burned a lot of good women over the years. I'm not disloyal, mean spirited, etc ... I'm just *not* a lot of things that women seem to expect. That sense of closeness that NTs get in relationships is a spotty thing for me - not very intense, quite often chronologically delayed ... I'll be driving down the road at lunch time the next day and sensations that ought to have been with me the previous evening will arise unbidden. I should like a cure for this concurrency problem ... or a removal of the desire for the female of the species :-( | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/20/2009 1:52:32 AM | | It seems that the people who's "Aspie Interests" help them with their careers are the ones who don't want a cure or change. My interests are not conducive to a career at all and I have not been able to find a work around. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/20/2009 2:03:14 AM | | I believe it's up to the person with the 'issue' (no matter what it is) to put forth the most effort to ensure it does not harm a relationship. If you cannot do that then you are expecting far to much from the average person. A person can only put their partners needs ahead of theirs so many times. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/21/2009 12:09:22 AM | @Irish
You're into trains? You should Google for Alan Drake and follow your nose. This guy has published a national strategic plan for rail electrification. There *are* things out there where folks on the spectrum get paid to know about trains ...
CD | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/21/2009 5:58:44 AM |
It seems that the people who's "Aspie Interests" help them with their careers are the ones who don't want a cure or change. My interests are not conducive to a career at all and I have not been able to find a work around. .
Stop making excuses and feeling sorry for yourself. I find it extremely hard to believe that you have no interests that could be focused into a career of some sort. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/21/2009 7:36:20 AM | Neil Young once had part ownership in Lionel Trains Incorporated. It was a very dark time for them, they were mostly making junk around then.
Anyway, my passion is trains and transit buses, and when I was younger, I was certain I would get into that industry. Well, life took a few surprise turns, and I became a PC tech and builder.
Now, what I do, is when I am on a transit bus or a train, I usually talk to the train crew or the bus driver. Most of those people know me pretty well, and give me transit related stuff (I have my own bus stop sign in my window, and drivers on the route that goes past my place honor it is my private stop!), but also, when their computer breaks down, they bring it to me to fix.
This extends into the transit passengers. I have found many customers on the trains and buses. They always like the work I do, and refer their friends to me.
Now, someone may suggest to find a female bus driver or train crew member. Tried that. Didn't work. Couple friends of mine at Pace tried to fix me up with this one lady who works there. They didn't know she was married, and she pretended to be single just to try and get a couple laptops out of me. Well, yet another driver told me she was married, and I backed off and stopped talking to her. Believe me, at Pace North, that is just the beginning of the nonsense. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 2/22/2009 8:00:41 PM |
Stop making excuses and feeling sorry for yourself. I find it extremely hard to believe that you have no interests that could be focused into a career of some sort. I'm not, I'm just stating it the way I see it. If you or anyone else has suggestions, I'm always open to advice. My major interests include:
Playing board games. Strategy/war/euro/etc.
Watching good TV/Movies
Playing video games
Sport fishing (mainly salmon and steelhead) | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 8/8/2009 11:24:51 PM | [qoute]carolann0308: I believe it's up to the person with the 'issue' (no matter what it is) to put forth the most effort to ensure it does not harm a relationship. If you cannot do that then you are expecting far to much from the average person. A person can only put their partners needs ahead of theirs so many times.
Much too much to ask for a socially inept Aspie. I'd say the NT should put forth the effort for a change!
And about being sad, I'm currently experiencing unprecedented frustrations due to my incompatibility with people in general. I get frustrated, then angry, and at that point, there's not much that can save me from exploding except maybe a night of sleep, or one of my self-medications of choice. (They need to have a 420 check box on POF, amen?) This compounds as I go through life, and sometimes the hopelessness and despair over how unfathomably insurmountable my life seems just makes me want to cry.
That being said, I love myself and am very pleased with the many capacities that I do have for visuospatial perception, mechanical aptitudes, and information retention. I am witty, talented and very likable, even 'well liked' (poor Willy Loman, maybe he has ASHFA?), but I guess "just like anyone" (It really grinds my gears when people say 'everyone has troubles like that') the stumbling blocks in my life tend to be defining aspects of my life.
Apologies for all the parenthetical interruptions. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 8/9/2009 1:02:27 AM | It all depends on the person. Asperger's isn't a blanket thing and as with life there are many, many different variables and comorbidities.
Though I haven't had a chance to work that out, heh. It's all about people's personal space. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 9/9/2009 10:50:29 PM | | Yeah, it's pretty hard, though my profile may not say it, I have it and if I start to get to like someone, I always tell them about it. Hang in there, Albert Einstein had this disorder as well, it may not be as bad as many other disorders but it being considerably a social disorder does more than enough damage! | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 9/9/2009 11:01:16 PM | right there with you...as an aspie i have no idea what people are saying most of the time.
you are not high maintenance, you are not alone, and some of us out there understand you.
the ones who don't are actually doing us a favour cause it saves us energy :-)
i have another thread here somewhere about my experiences~ I tend to see others as borgs (no offense) it is just that the behaviours and reactions appear pre-programmed, rigid and limited in options~ drives me nuts.
my window rarely has me wanting to be with others though, just to be accepted as I am would be enough. it's not like i am telling them they have something wrong with them... | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 9/10/2009 12:22:55 AM | I have AS, so.... you wont want to hear this, you cant do it, it means you will never think like "everyone else" meaning you wont be with anyone else.
I know, ive only ever been used (which i have then been told it was my fualt for not spotting it).
I decided to stop banging my head against a wall and focused what i AM good at AND made sure i never attempted to find anyone.
The main problem was everyone else who knew me at the time never knew (and neither did it) that i had AS, they just say "single, thats odd...." if i knew then what i knew now i would have been so much better off instead of trying to work out what was going on...
Above all one thing i did learn never trust anyone who says they understand as they dont, AS is way deeper than anyone will know UNLESS they have AS themselves, its how the whole brain is wired not just 1 thing as most NT (non aspergers) people think.
You might be able to get on with another AS, however the relationship will not be the same as everyone elses, most things will be missing (the closeness, likley be no sex) so even though you might want it, i personally found it best not to ge near there and find pleasure that i want via other means.
Many Thanks | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 9/21/2009 11:02:01 AM | | I have Asperger Syndrome, I wonder if I am ever going to get a girlfriend, a real girlfriend, not a fling or one-night stand, I mean a serious relationship, because I've never had one, the reason why is because I don't know how to get one. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 9/21/2009 11:24:42 AM | | you needc counselling to deal with issues...but the person who is with you needs to understand and conpromise...we all have issues...some have diabetes...some have mental illness...you are looking for a relationship and you deserve it...but conpromise and do not be selfish...you will find love | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 9/21/2009 11:30:42 AM | | Yeah but I think Men with Asperger Syndrome have it a lot harder than Women with Asperger Syndrome when it comes to Love, Dating and Relationships because Society and Culture expect Men to be more assertive, take the initiative and do the pursuing. Like almost all the time it is up to the Men to make the first move, start a conversation and ask the Woman out. All the Woman has to do is approve of the date and relationship, or reject it. | |
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| Can a person with Asperger's find love and true understanding?
Posted: 9/21/2009 6:45:44 PM | My heart goes out to you, my son has aspergers and I do worry about him finding someone who will not only understand him, but love him as well. But that worry is quickly replaced with the knowledge of how sweet and caring he is so I know he will find a lady when he is grown (he is 14), that will.
Best of luck to you! | |
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