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| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/2/2007 3:22:23 AM | | These forums get so carried away about the rules of relationships. Almost all of us are serial failures when it comes to relationships yet people spout all kinds of nonsense about what must and must not happen in other people's. What you describe sounds to me like it could become a very beautiful thing between three adults as they get through life. I get the impression that the husband's drive for sex has gone so, any acts of intimacy beyond a certain point are going to make him uncomfortable. She doesn't want to hide things and there is another man in both their lives. Sounds like hard work too me but, as I said, it could be the kind of thing that they make movies about. | |
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| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/2/2007 1:32:33 PM | You know what I think is great angelah....people who make assumptions about what other people have and have not experienced in their lives without asking.....
You naturally assumed that I had never found myself in a situation where the lack of sex became a reality in a relationship....well sweetie, I'm old enough to have experienced different things in my lifetime and I can tell you that I know exactly how I would respond in that situation.
Beyond that, there are inherent values in each of us...mine would not allow me to violate a committment I made to one for something that was lacking in my relationship with the one with whom I made the committment. | |
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| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/2/2007 1:49:07 PM | What you describe sounds to me like it could become a very beautiful thing between three adults as they get through life. I get the impression that the husband's drive for sex has gone so, any acts of intimacy beyond a certain point are going to make him uncomfortable. She doesn't want to hide things and there is another man in both their lives. Sounds like hard work too me but, as I said, it could be the kind of thing that they make movies about.
Huh? Did we read the same post? His penis doesn't work anymore as he is paralyzed. He may not even be able to go to the bathroom without a catheter. It's never going to be a beautiful threesome. It would be a thorn in his side. His wife is probably heartbroken because she's not only lost the physical side of her relationship, she's really lost the relationship she fell in love with. She may also have many additional caretaker duties as well. She made need someone emotionally as well as physically. If she needs this in order to remain a fully human woman, then I say be discreet. Don't have a relationship with your husband's friend. That's crazy.
There have been numerous books written by women who have dealt with caretaking roles of their husbands who have had accidents and diseases such as MS. The emotional side is really much harder than the physical aspect. It's not so simple as right vs. wrong and just strap a dildo to him. It's a heartbreaking situation. | |
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| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/2/2007 2:13:05 PM | | john i got one even better for you why dont you send her over to my house and i will take care of her needs for you untill you come back you can call it a time out or what ever you want dilemma solved. | |
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| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/2/2007 2:15:49 PM | | Fair enough, Girldiver. I don't pretend to know so very much about this. I have cared for several people in similar situations and seen the strain it puts on a marriage. But, I don't pretend to have any intimate knowledge of how these things are got over and I am happy to stand corrected. | |
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| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/2/2007 2:17:48 PM | OP.....my heart goes out to this couple, it truly does...
I have no idea how to handle the situation if it ever happend to me...it would be an emotional nightmare.
In answer to your question OP......if an emotional agreement was made that the spouse/partner could recieve or perform sexual intercourse with someone else ( preferably either a high class hooker or gigilo....as stated in a previous post )......then i wouldn't see that as cheating.
But, do not involve the best friend as there is a form of an emotional bond that would exist....if the sex act is to occur, it should be with someone that either party has no emotional tie with......afterall, it is just a physical release....not an emotional one.
For myself....I couldn't do it....even if she gave me her consent..
If she was the love of my life.....I would hold and hug her for countles hours.
I would be kissing her and touching her lovingly whenever she needed it..
I hope this doesn't sound crude....I have hands and if I need that physical release, I would use that option....if I really loved her, I could live without sexual intercourse.....because emotional intercourse is just as fulfilling as well.
If , I was the one who was debilitated.....if it was tearing her apart and if she desired that physical release through intercourse....I would give my consent, it would be hard at first....but as long as she came back, kept loving me and didn't form an emotional tie.
She doesn't need to tell me when it's going to occur, just do it discreetly....
Merlot | |
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| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/2/2007 2:41:07 PM | Its wrong all do way.
She as his wife should either stand by his side, specially now at this crucial moment, if she cant she should ask for a divorce, or fight for one, cause it will happen one way or the other, how much pain this couple will have to go thru is up to her.
Sorry for my English... actually I not sorry at all, you all should learn Portuguese. | |
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| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/2/2007 8:28:15 PM | i appreciate that its very difficult to put oneself in the couples shoes and the solution has moral as well as sexual implications.
i am not sure if its relevant,but it was the best friend that asked me for advice.on the one hand he wants to help a couple he has known 24 years,on the other hand is he acting morally(and is he himself cheating )?
john | |
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| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/2/2007 8:40:34 PM | | yes it's cheating your Abandoning him with your body and mind even though you haven’t left him.. and with his best friend makes it all the worse.. rubbing salt in the wound .. it’s a tuff place to be in and I feel bad for who ever it is .. but it is what it is.. cheating.. if he found out it was with his best friend he will not only be crippled in his body but then in his mind and heart.. | |
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| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/2/2007 9:11:46 PM | op, you just added this in message 62 - and, yes, it's relevant....
"i am not sure if its relevant,but it was the best friend that asked me for advice.on the one hand he wants to help a couple he has known 24 years,on the other hand is he acting morally(and is he himself cheating )?"
um, have you read the posts here? there has been an important issue that has not been answered and without this clarification, we all have been trying to advise/answer/discuss/reflect/understand and we have half the story missing.
you originally wrote this thread almost from the wife's point of view i think and you never actually said if the disabled husband had knowledge of the idea and if he had given his permission. many assumed no he did not know about this, and others assumed you had said he did....but i couldn't find it.
well, now you add it actually came to you as a suggestion from the best friend....and this time we're even more in the dark....so he is just thinking of it as a 'gift' to the woman for it sounds like, at this point, it has not been discussed at all with the wife or husband?
so, yes it's cheating. how can it not be?? she is still married.
more information is needed and i don't think it's worth giving this thread any more energy without it. | |
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| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/2/2007 9:48:14 PM | To johnlondonsingle,
First of all if they are married, IT IS CHEATING. Have we forgotten the vows that one gives to each other already. She can discuss her husbands impotency with his doctor and a way can be found to simulate sex for each of them. The medical profession has the answers to help her. Did Christopher Reeves wife ever cheat on him? No! To cheat and then leave is the lowest form of human unkindness anyone can do to another person. What if it were turned around and she had her breasts removed because of cancer, would her husband do the same to her? If you know this lady and she has asked you to have sex with her ( I'm just guessing ), tell her to get lost. What selfishness on her part and if I'm right, how naive of you to listen to her suggestion at all. John, don't get caught up in this mess. Regards, Carolanne60 | |
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| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/2/2007 10:00:45 PM | There are many many women and men out there, who remain faithful despite of being in a sex-less marriage.
There's many reasons why a marriage might be sexless, one is impotence due to medical reasons, like your friend. Others could be due to medications, depression, and other kinds of illness.
There's also emotional issues, which cause someone to not want sex. If your's partner feels the need to go elsewhere to fill her needs, and your friend agrees to it , that's their business.
Is that cheating- definately. | |
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| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/2/2007 10:07:20 PM |
Ha, not me. You've seen my profile, I *love* musicians
There's an old saying (and bumper sticker)..."Guitar players do it with their fingers!"
To the OP, if intercourse is that important to your friends wife, have him see a urologist about either an inflatable or non-inflatable penile implant. That will solve her problem anyway. | |
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| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/3/2007 12:03:35 AM | | yes, it is cheating, even making out with someone else is cheating thats why you have to get to know the person and see what there like before you get serious with him decide before you throw the towel in if this chick is really worth your time you dotn want her to put you through more trauma and i mean emotional trauma. | |
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| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/3/2007 2:10:07 AM | Wait wait.. are you telling me you just can't get a woman off without intercourse?
I know it may be more difficult but I'm sure you could do it.. so many little toys out there, heck some of them even look and feel life like ( I would imagine I mean I don't use them!) .. I'm sure this person and his understanding wife could try to work on an arrangement with that without getting third people involved.
Then again you can also find couples out there on the hunt for sassy and exotic males and females to join them for a trio... (I couldn't believe my eyes)...
If you gotta do what you gotta do to keep the marriage going I guess then....
But still... please try to explore alternative actions first. | |
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| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/3/2007 2:23:33 AM | | Im glad you asked this question, yet a bit surprised. If you are not married, and you have sex with someone, that is adultery. If you are married and you have sex with your wife. That is fine. If you are married and have sex with someone other than your wife, thats cheating | |
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Coma66
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Joined: 11/23/2006
Msg: 73 | |
| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/3/2007 2:32:33 AM | | Ummmmmmmmmm........Yes it is. Don't know if you've ever had a woman who ran around but it's hard to look at them without seeing them with the other person and feeling hate. You know you've still got a tongue don't ya? Plus they have a implant they can put in for those that are challanged in that manner I do belive. If it's the pump up kind where do they put the pump? Can see it now "NO IT'S THE LEFT ONE!!!!" But that's just my point of veiw. We all do what's right too us and no matter what other's say we will do as we see fit. | |
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| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/3/2007 5:29:58 AM | All relationships and how they do or do not function are the result of mutual negotiation. Couples where a partner has been sexually incapacitated as the result of illness or injury find different ways of having their needs met.
Western society tends to view sex and relationships through the lens of the Jude0-Christian ethic and impose the boundaries that are associated with it. They identify "cheating" as "sex" and equate the "sex act" with "faithfulness" rather than what is the real issue which is not sex. Cheating as it is called, is the violation of trust. Being "faithful" is maintaining that trust. Being "unfaithful" is violating trust. Additionally, within this ethic, is the idea that there is only one correct form of relationship. Yet, there are a multitude of relationships that are successful such as polygyny, polyandry, and polyamory.
It really doesn't matter how other's view the couple's decision about allowing the wife to have sex with a partner outside of the marital relationship. The relationship is negotiated between them and only them. The third party may also be involved and how that will be approached is also a negotiation between the spouses.
There are a great many glib comments that clearly reflect little consideration or any degree of thought in many of these responses. Yet, the issue of couples where one partner is permanently affected sexually is upon the U.S. in great numbers. There are thousands of U.S. military personnel who have been permanently altered. Their spouses must now take on the role of caretaker as well as spouse and figure out ways to successfully navigate this new situation that they had not counted on. One of these issues is the sexual needs of both people. Sadly, neither the government or the military is addressing this issue with these couples.
Congratulations to this couple for having the maturity and the kind of relationship that allows for honest and open communication to face difficult challenges and arrive at mutually agreed upon solutions.
ACP | |
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| is sexual intercourse actually cheating
Posted: 12/3/2007 5:39:16 AM | | Cheating is not lack of trust? If I promise someone i will give them 10 dollars, and i violate their trust and dont give them it, is that cheating? Is that infidelity because cheating is infidelity. Christians do not define cheating as sex. Cheating is adultery, which is clearly defined. | |
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