| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 6:55:13 AM | | This is not about insecurity. It is not about there being someone else. This man is being manipulative and resorting to emotional blackmail. I have my insecurities sometimes as a male, I am sure most females have some, but I don't use them to blackmail the female. It is just not right. He needs to change that behaviour... It's not acceptable to manipulate a female. Frankly, his behaviour is pretty weird and so immature. It reminds me of a 5 year old wanting to throw a tantrum to get his away and say "I don't like you anymore!". My best friend's little son acts like that sometimes, but he is a little kid!!! | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 6:56:10 AM | Hi Kendra,
This doesnt sound like a good situation at all.I'm getting the feeling that this could be volitile as well.Things I know you don't want to hear,however someone that insecure(gender matters not here) is a person you will always have to answer to in the extreme!Your answers may never be good enough,he flat out doeesnt trust you after all this time.This should give you a serious forboding feeling. This cycle of "questioning and emotional abuse and silent treatment is just that psychological abuse! Hopefully it won't turn physical for your sake.These "pre-existing conditions" highly increase the odds of such.I hope it all works out for you and wish you the best.You sound like a trustworthy,giving,sincer individual....If your writings are any indication.Those things should be reciprocated w/ out conditions other than honesty,respect and concern.
 .....Bosox | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 7:17:16 AM | Kendra,
I'm afraid you are the kind of girl who doesn't want to listen. I will tell you what you don't want to hear and you will probably ignore me. So I'll tells you anyway 
You are asking for permission to stay with this young boyfriend of yours because you think you love him and you want to change/fix/save him.
You are too young. Your boyfriend is too young. Your whole life is ahead of you. Especially in today's world, relationships are transitory - the younger you are the shorter relationships tend to be. It's only when you get a lot older, do you start to pay more attention to companionship, family life, conversation, etc... (In general.)
You want to hold on to this man because you are insecure yourself. You don't believe that there are other guys out there who might want you.
This boy will possess you. He sounds like the jealous type. You will have no life with him. He will not allow you to go out with your own friends (girls or, heaven forbid, other boys). He will dissuade you from having your own career and becoming financially independent. He will probably get you pregnant pretty quick and you will be stuck with kids at home and an abusive husband, who will probably drink with the lads and go whoring when he pleases. And when he comes home, he will beat you. 
And you will not be able to leave because you think you love him, because you have kids and because you have no money of your own and nowhere to go. He might apologize of course, and you will protect him. Perhaps welfare might get involved and take the children away.
This boy is not for you. He will ruin your life. He might sort himself out in the end in his own time. Hopefully he won't inflict his problems onto some other poor girl.
If you want to martyr yourself as a way of protecting some other innocent girl then, by all means, stick by your man and marry him. Just be aware of what you are letting yourself in for.
Sadly, I've seen it hundreds of times. There are too many men like that. The lucky girls get divorced before it's too late. Get lucky. Let him go. Listen to the others in this forum: RUN RUN RUN.
And learn to avoid this kind of person in the future. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 9:14:03 AM | Well Kendra it's like this. You don't need to take the mental abuse either because most of the time that mental abuse can be worser than the physical abuse. Just because you is not hitting you he is still wrong for mentally abusing you. Abuse is abuse no matter what form it comes in.
The abuse comes form anger and frustation of him him loosing his mom at a early age. I also lost my mom at a early age and I know about these things that he is going through because I have been the same things.
The only way these things is going to stop is that he is going to have to the reakity that you are a important person in his life and you can not replace his mom. There is no way.
When young men loose there mothers at a early age they tend to suffer with finding a replacement figure. They become attach and they don't want to let go. Then once the relaity sets in that mom is gone and is not coming back and she can't ever be replaced then and only then he will understand.
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 10:06:35 AM | He is not insecure, simply unsure of YOU and doubting his own willingness to put up with your selfishness, as you clearly demonstrated how self centered you are.
You place your Friends before your partner all the time!?! Darling, you deserve to be alone then.
Use EMPATHY: place yourself in HIS shoes for time to time, TALK with him, EXCHANGE, HAVE A DIALOGUE! You will found out that he is under stress for various reasons (ex: the moving toghether) and this way you will show him that he can do talk to you openly and "depressurize" before the built up.
Dhu! | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 10:08:02 AM | Once you give up the right to say NO Just not to upset him you have given up your right to be a person, an individual.
NOONE HAS THAT RIGHT!!!!!! I don't care how conflicted their life is.
Communicating, Meeting someone in the middle is a good thing, being afraid to say NO to making him a peanutbutter sandwich(example) because your afraid of his reaction. You have to see this as UNHEALTHY.
It is time for him to grow up, You coddling him CAN ONLY MAKE HIM WORSE
I know, I was the one walking on eggshells and coddling. I listened to the sad stories of her life, made exuses for her problems and ended up in a nasty abusive relationship.
You need to draw a line in the sand | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 10:17:56 AM | hun, his being insecure *is* a part of him... as is being manipulative and controlling (as some of the other posters have said) and emotionally abusive...
i really really reeeally doubt that he'll change, except to let out more of this behaviour as you become closer and more committed to him.. and the more leverage he has, the more he'll use it against you, to punish you when you're not doing what he wants.. to exert his authority and control over you...
honestly, i'd get out while you still can easily; while there are no legalities/vows/kids involved.. i read that you don't want to "ditch him" - that you're not the type to give up on someone.. but having the self-respect to be true to what you need, to not take abuse, is a good thing... and sticking around and taking the abuse is enabling him to continue in his behaviour, it's not helping him to be a better person..
... i'm speaking from experience.. it's a horrible situation to be in, please be good to yourself and get out... you deserve more | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 10:57:11 AM | Run!
(That message was too short to be posted, but that's all you need to do, before this situation becomes any more messed up). | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 11:10:52 AM | The guy is SICK. That simple.
You need help if you think you need to help him like you said in your post. Wake up! Move on! NOW! It will never get better, just worse. This is a pre-scenario for physical abuse.
At 19, you'll really get as messed up as he is if you don't use your smarts that you deserve love, and not mistake attention at any cost for "love." | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 11:11:22 AM |
I am not experienced enough in life to know these things.
I didn't read all the responses so if someone else said this then excuse the repeat. Girl, this IS the experience life brings you. Valuable lesson you're learning. Ask yourself what YOU want. If this is it, then be prepared for the experience life teaches us. Mistakes and good choices are part of it. I could say stuff from my experience but you'll make your own choices. The wisdom you listen to is your choice.
BTW, wisdomtooth hit the nail on the head. Good advice. I'd listen to that and believe it. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 11:32:03 AM | Kendra,
I am going to give you a little advise as I myself was in the same situation, many years ago. I put up with it and thought it would get better, but it didn't. It became abusive - mentally and physically.
Ok,
This is what I suggest - If you are still not talking, then this is what I advise(your choice!!) you do now! when he does contact you again and says what is up(as if nothing has happened, )you tell him! If he goes off on one of his trips again let him! DO NOT RUN AFTER HIM!!! (It's sad to say, he is a child and needs to be treated like a child!)
If and when he contacts you again, you stand your ground and let him know that you love him but his behaviour, you're not willing to put up with. let himknow he is being destructive to your relationship but also to himself. You know he is under pressure, and if he wants to continue to be a couple then he needs to seek councilling!!!
Kendra, you have to be cruel to be kind!
you can make it as a couple but, you both have to put a 100% into a relationship.
you wanting him tochange won't happen. HE CAN BE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN CHANGE! HE HAS TO WANT IT!
best of luck!
you deserve to be treated for the person you are. Kind! | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 3:18:32 PM | I dont know how many people have told you this but i hope everything goes well for you. I personally think he is controling, manipulative and part psycho but dont take me wrong cause every one has some sort of psychotic emotion that they may or may not take to the extreme. He will continue with his actions and they Will get worse. Personally you are to beautiful of a person and from what i can tell have to much of a heart to deserve an ass like that. Find yourself a man who will appreciate you for you and except everything about you. That doesnt mean he has to like it all, But is willing to except it all.Its ok to ask where you going but any other question is insecurity on his part. We all have them just some dont know how to control them.If he truly loves or even cares for you he would definatly want you to go out with your friends (men or women).Cause to really care or love some means you trust in that person and will never doubt them unless given absolute reason not to.There are good guys such as myself that have plenty of passion and compassion to give you just have to find one of us that attracts you. feel free to look me up(that goes for anyone) if you have any other question or comments.I am a very honest man that isnt afraid to tell you what a man is thinking or desires. I too am in search of the right one. I truly believe she is out there,But will except all friends in the process. Ive been throgh alot in my life, more then most want to bare but still have faith in life and love. so for all you men out there this situation is not how to treat a woman. and all you women out there this situation should be out of your lives.Find someone like me to cherish and to love you for you.
We all have are bad sides its just a matter of how you let them out and how far you let them go. Till the next time godbless everyone looking for there better or worse halfs. My prayers are for all people who get treated like dirt and my blessings to those strong enough to say enough is enough. Sincerely, jeff. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 7:39:32 PM | I have spent the day to think about all this, and I read everything you guys said at least 20 times.
I understand it, and I know you are right.
But from there, it's really hard to just ignore someone you care a lot for.
We play this online game together sometimes.
Today I saw he logged my account to help me get an item I really wanted. I thought it was really nice of him.
I saw he re-added me on msn, so I messaged him saying "Lemme know when you're logged out" and when he was done, he said **** yourself and log.
30 mins later, he comes back ingame and I let him play, I then receive a email from that game saying that someone cancelled my account.
He is the only person who knows my info.
I change my info and message him saying I had to change them because of that weird email.
He send me a reply, saying "I told you to leave me alone, do it or I will go kill you and i am serious", and it goes on like that.
I saw he deleted his facebook profile, emails, everything.
He destroy everything,
When he does it, it is because he is really mad. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 8:04:55 PM | LOL, and you"care a lot" for a creep like that?
We have already repeatedly pointed out all the obvious warning signs to you, and the folly of continuing to submit in an abusive relationship. There is nothing more we can do for you. Sorry.
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 8:18:05 PM | I know, that's why I need to do it on my own but it's really really really really hard.
It's not a switch I can turn off like that. Or else I would have done it already and move on and be happy. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 8:34:09 PM | | When you care, the switch will never turn off, it's hardwired. But in time a brighter, warmer light will come along and this will fade to one of those lights you see in the distance of the night with a memory | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 8:41:55 PM | Go to your local library and pick up books on verbal abuse. If you can't seem to find a good title, call a Women In Need or other Abuse center. What you are describing is the begining. You have seen the movies and you know what the end could be, yes you. You could loose you. You don't have to ever be physically touched by a man to be abused. It starts small and they work their way until you give up. You make your own prison because you just don't want to deal with the verbal abuse. You loose your friends, family, and isolate yourself. You make the excuses for him. He doesn't even have to say anything to you after a while. It doesn't stop, it gets worse. Don't move in together! Run don't walk away from him. Get help for yourself because you are probably in denial about what he is doing.
Smart cookie for asking! But only you can read the answers and act in your best behalf. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 8:47:49 PM | He registered to the army tonight,
his best friend texted me saying D (Let's call him D) needed me in his life more then anything right now and army is like, him destroying his life even more.
(Not destroying because I respect the soldiers)
but throwing away his life plan and leave the country kind of thing.
It's even harder when all his friends tell me that he needs me.
Im sorry if I type all this here. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 8:56:58 PM |
I told you to leave me alone, do it or I will go kill you and i am serious
He threatened to kill you and you still want to stay with him? (It's against the law to make death threats by the way). I'm pretty sure that you knew when you started this thread that you weren't seeking help with an insecure man, you were asking permission to keep dating an abuser.
Take him at his word. If he says he's going to kill you, he probably will. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 9:09:22 PM | If you love him, let him go, because the Army will be the best thing to happen to him. A drill sergeant will kick his sorry a$$ and straighten out his attitude. The Army stresses teamwork and he will find comradeship in his platoon. Those who have been through combat will have an even tighter bond (a "band of brothers" thing). You don't survive combat in Iraq unless you can unconditionally trust the guy next to you. Even better if he has to serve under a woman CO (the Army is much more gender-integrated today.). Unlike you, a woman Army officer or NCO will not tolerate any crap from him.
However, you still should get away from this guy. You are an old addictive habit like heroin to him, because he is so used to abusing you. You go back to him, he will lapse into his old creepy self even after the Army straightens him out. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 9:09:54 PM | Manipulator! He could have lied about joining the service.
The service is a wonderful place to get skills. If he is telling the truth.
Why do I doubt this....IT IS SUNDAY
He doesn't own you. You can't change him. You can only control yourself and your actions. You need to take care of you. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 9:23:30 PM | Yes it's hard to ignore someone you care about - don't think that people on here don't understand that it is difficult to leave someone you care about. What I hope you're also getting from people's responses is that your safety and well-being is also VERY important.
You need to take care of you - reread everything everyone has said again - and let it sink in that you are in a situation of mental abuse, and now you have received a death threat - let that sink in and believe it. Be stronger than you've ever been in your life and say 'NO, I DO NOT DESERVE THIS' - stop yourself from contacting him, and get a restraining order if he contacts you. Change every password that he might know and stay out of his life...it is for the best for both of you...remember YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS BEHAVIOUR | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/3/2007 6:19:48 AM | | It sounds like hes possesive. Posessive men can turn to be pretty abusive. It doesnt sound like a healthy relationship. Checking up on everything you do is not being a boyfriend | |
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| None so blind...
Posted: 12/9/2007 1:34:15 AM | Dear Kendra,
It is so sad. I know so many people like you. I didn't expect you to take the advice I and others have given you. You are looking for reasons to be with this man - ANY reason will do. You think you love him. You think you need him. You are afraid of being alone again.
So you put up with his nonsense and you give him access to every private corner of your life. You like him to take control of you.  The sickness works both ways, I'm afraid. An abuser needs an abusee.
Let me repeat the gist of what I advised earlier:
YOU ARE STILL YOUNG. YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS AHEAD OF YOU.
You WILL find other men to be part of your life. Hopefully the next time you will watch out for the danger signs and avoid getting in too deep with an abusive type. Unfortunately, you kinda like to be abused.
Give yourself time to grow up a little. Just date, without having long term designs on a man. If you find the 'one' sooner that's great. But later is usually better. You have so much time. Don't rush into a relationship. It is so easy to get into one - much easier than you can possibly imagine. But it is really difficult to get out of one if you need to. Especially if you are a woman
You might feel depressed and lonely and worthless for a little while. It will pass. The pain of being on your own again and the feeling of being unloved will also pass. Time really does heal all.
This man is not for you. Don't try to 'save' him. Go to Africa if you want to save unfortunate souls or join a volunteer organization.
Move on.
There are plenty of good fish in the sea. He is not the 'one'. Once you've let your man go (and it is YOU who has to do it), I guarantee that you will find plenty of people here who'd love to meet you.
And what I've so often found in life is that, once you've made the mental decision to let go and move on, you tend to bump into nicer people in your own backyard. Life is full of randomness and chance encounters.
If you let him go you won't regret it. But if you hang on then you will spend the next 20 years of your life cursing yourself - for your own pride, stupidity and stubbornness.
Update your profile and start dating some other men. Once you've had the experience of being with kind, nurturing, fun people you will never look back | |
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