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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/9/2007 3:03:38 AM | 1) He won't call you his g/f. Not official. Leaves him open to meet other women.
2) He calls several times a day. Jealous. People who don't cheat don't even think if their partner is cheating. That's why the faithful person is always the last to know. Couldn't even imagine either of them cheating. So, if it's on his mind, he's thinking about it.
3) Every time you stand your ground, and say no to him, he throws a tantrum. Manipulative behaviour, in order to get things ENTIRELY HIS OWN WAY.
4) He doesn't like you to do things for yourself. Shows that it scares him if you are independent enough to be able to leave him.
I would normally conclude that he wants a submissive woman, who is under his thumb. Eventually, all men stop respecting such women, and think of them as a doormat. At that point, you stop being exciting and sexually desirable to him, and he looks for other women to fulfil his desire for a sexually exciting and sexually desirable female.
This has all the hallmarks of a relationship that will become physically abusive a year after you move in together. Is that what you want?
I would put this down to your age. At 19, many women are so keen on love, that if they find a guy, they will tolerate all kinds of abuse. The problem is that small abuses, if left unchecked, get more and more and bigger and bigger, and this eats away at your self-confidence and self-esteem until you are really badly hurt.
I suggest that you tell him that you are putting moving in together on hold, until the relationship gets to be a good relationship for you, and that means that you have 50/50 say in what goes on, that you are independent, and that he trusts you.
Personally, I would just leave. At your age, there is too much likelihood of abuse, and when men have continued this behaviour for an entire year, there is little chance of them changing.
I have given you a way to try and make it work. But if this does not change, and you move in together, you might as well take a club to yourself. 'Cause if you don't, he will. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/10/2007 1:33:22 PM | he may be insecure, but as many other posters have pointed out, he's also manipulative and controlling. he's behaving like a child. it may or may not be intentional, i have no idea. i've been with men like this before, and it usually doesn't get better. by waiting around for him and always being there, you're giving him full permission to continue behaving like this. he has no reason to change, because he can throw his little tantrums, play the tortured victim, and enjoy the power he has over you, then come back and know that you will be there waiting. you are young, and you deserve to have a man who doesn't need "fixing." there are lots of men out there who are amazing period, not "amazing if it wasn't for the insecurity."
however, i don't believe for one second that you'll leave him. most likely, you enjoy the drama, the intense feelings, the tearful reunions, the feeling that he needs you. so, my advice to you is to try not to let his behavior affect how you feel about yourself. don't let him affect your self-esteem. no matter how he treats you, you are still you, a very valuable woman. most likely, he will eventually be out of your life, and it will probably be horribly messy, as you plan on living with him, but i hope that your confidence and self-worth will still be in tact at that time. try not to let his issues bring you down, because they were there before you showed up, and if you don't fix them, it doesn't mean you've failed.
i'm sure he's a good person somewhere deep down, but from what you've written, he needs to learn how to handle himself in a relationship. good luck.
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/10/2007 1:48:01 PM | wow, just saw that he threatened you. please stop all contact with him, tell your friends and family that he has threatened you, and if he threatens you again, contact the police. this is about protecting yourself now. he may just be blowing smoke. but he may not be, and you may end up missing or on the 6:00 news. threats should always be taken seriously, even if it feels like overreacting. if he wants to go to the military, i agree with previous posters, let him go and don't say anything to try to stop him. the farther he gets from you, the better.
you said you have great friends who are very understanding about you texting them at all hours because you're sad about fighting with this creep. so hopefully they will be there for you when you cut all contact with him and you're sad about that. don't contact him. instead, call your friends or text them or have them come over and watch movies or go out with you, lean on them. if you want to say something to him, write it down and then seal it in an envelope and hide it away or burn it, or write an email and save it but don't send it. hell, email *me* if you just need to get your feelings out. but get away from D. for your own safety. he doesn't need you, and you need to be away from him. good luck. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/10/2007 2:15:00 PM | | You need to not cop out as you either Love and want to be together for ever or you do not,,,Cold feet is a way of saying I am not sure ,,,,So I hope you find the right one and I will tell you now when it is right you do not play mind games. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 6/16/2009 11:43:02 AM | | Gezzzzzzzzzzzzz! you people are attacking this guy!!!! Is anybody perfect ? There are three sides to every story,Yours,His,And the truth! You shouldnt just give up on somebody either or you could be missing out on the best thing you ever had! Just talk first,And talk some more! If people just keep giving up on people alot of people that are on here will still be on here for a looooong time!!! just make sure you do what you want to do ITS YOUR CHOICE NOT YOUR MOMS,DADS,FRIENDS.You have to live with your choice none of them! Jon | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 6/19/2009 5:29:59 AM | Kendra.....time to get tough with you, as you're not paying attention to the answers you're getting...you say you want advice on how to deal with his silent treatment? Well, you've been TOLD that that is controlling, manipulative behaviour he's using on you, that is NOT insecurity you are dealing with! Open your ears the hell up and pay attention!
I have dealt with a man who displayed those characteristics, and thought at first that he was showing love...caring...concern...for my welfare and wellbeing. That 'caring' morphed into phone calls at all hours of the day and night wanting to know where I was, what I was doing, who I was with, where I was going, what time I was coming home, why was I later then I said I'd be, if I wanted to go out with others, then clearly that meant I didn't want to be with him as much as they meant more to me then he did, so forget it, it's over, leave him alone, don't ever call him again, he could find someone else who would show him the love that I wasn't....sound familiar, oh so wise little girl????
You say you don't WANT to leave him....fine then, don't....ignore what you've been told here, even though you asked for advice from anyone else who's walked in your shoes long before you have, and pay a price for it....some people can't be told they're headed for disaster, they have to walk head on into the flames and get burned before they learn, and you, my dear, seem like one of those people, soooo....c'est la vie, you're on your own and good luck, you are surely gonna need it..
JS | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 6/19/2009 6:31:15 PM | | I think you are focusing too much on his motives for his behaviour and not the impact it is having on you. Why should you be the one to help him with his insecurity? He needs to learn not to behave like this. It is emotionally abusive behaviour and he is trying to manipulate you. He must know it will hurt you. It's not fair of him to trade hurt for supposed hurt like this. Perhaps you could suggest counselling for you both. I think it would be hard for you to tackle this alone as he is likely to think that you can't see what you are doing wrong. This could be an ingrained way of dealing with perceived slights or threats though. What if he doesn't change? Will you just accept that this is the best treatment you'll get or leave this relationship? | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 6/23/2009 5:44:03 AM | I see this is an old post but I hope and pray for you that you have dumped him.
yes, I was in an abusive marriage for 13 years, verbally and physically.
My ex told me when he could no longer control me that is when he started the abuse, well I thought I will never ever allow another man to do that to me but..............................
I met one from here and it took me 6 months of hurt, disappointment and anger to finally see his true colors and he did me a favor by telling me to f&ck off and leave him alone.
This man is a manipulator and a control freak and oh yes, I've gone through the silent treatment as a punishment, and it sucks, especially when they know how much you detest it and how hurtful it is to you and that he continues to do it to you anyway screams " I don't care bout you and or your feelings, and oh good, I now know how to hurt you and control you and I'm so great you're lucky I'm giving you the time of day."
Run like hell, it will only get worse and there are a lot of great guys out there. I know it's easier said then done because when you love someone you choose to accept them for what they are, warts and all. Well, my dear there will come time where you just can't handle it anymore and you will have no choice but to walk away and let him get professional help. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 6/23/2009 6:00:52 PM | | like one said at nineteen get rid of him and beleive me he's also cheating on you you can bet on it. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 6/23/2009 7:49:19 PM | AHA! I found another Kendra!
Ditch him..sounds like a waste of space. If you choose to stay then you will just have to learn to deal with it, and that isn't fair to YOU. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 6/24/2009 4:04:03 AM | It's been tried (manipulation), but dang, I just don't tolerate it well. I'm like, riiiight. Tooooo many cool guys to have to deal with a freak.
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 6/24/2009 9:28:22 AM | I see this is not a new thread but this would have been the answer OP if you are stil around:
<div class='quote'>I don't want him to be hurted more then he has..
I want to know how he will react, from other people experiences
Do you honestly want an answer to this question? I feel maybe you already know the answer to it, but I will answer it anyways.
He already is, in your own words, abusing you. Trying to control you, manipulate you, doing what some people call "mind f*** ing" you. He already says and shows in every single solitary way that he doesn't trust you, and that he won't. You already are preparing for the day he hits you. You already are being bent into an emotional pretzel wondering what he will do next, what you should do, could have done, did wrong... you are trying to stay true to who you are while surving the punishment that he keeps inflicting on you for doing just that, while worrying bout him seeing you are "still there for him".
How will he react? There is one answer, unless he finally gets help and makes up his mind to let himself trust and be vulnerable to you, and seek help (he is not insecure, what is going on with him is a whole lot deeper, and it corrodes and twists him from within. I know how incredibly bad to feel about someone like that where you hurt for who they are; but they can absolutely mangle you emotionally if you stay intimately close to them emotionally and get twisted into their own emotional demons). He will escalate. There is not a single, solitary, sole doubt in my mind it will get worse, and the price you pay will get steeper every single day you stay in it. I am not usually a defeatist and I ALWAYS strive to look for the good in people; and I'm sure he has much good. But he is, from what you have described, not emotionally well.
I am so very very sorry; it appears you care for him very much which is admirable. and I'm sure there is a part of him that is heeartbreaking, wonderful, and that you want to protect.
But the price you pay for continued contact with this person, without being able to help them at all, is steeper than you know; and unfortunately, their actions won't diminish. They will twist and grow.
Not your fault. Not his. He's not well.
I can't advise you, but I would suggeset with all my heart, be a friend from a distance, not only for your sake, but for his as well. As long as he has you to focus the twisted pain on; he will never get the help he sounds like he so desperately needs. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 6/24/2009 9:25:11 PM | Okay, well, the obvious answer is to run away, fast, as fast as you can and get away from this guy.
But, since you seem reluctant to do that, you must out manipulate him. I once hung around a manipulative guy. it isn't insecurity so don't be mistaken about that. he wants you to behave in a certain way and he is manipulating you to get you to do it. Now, turn the table on him and manipulate him back to get him to act a certain way. That is your ONLY solution the way I see it. Normal, reasonable tactics obviously will not be useful since I assume you have already tried them.
This is not really a great way to live, but it is your choice. If you wish I can forward this to the guy that I know that used to manipulate me (he admits now what a class A jerk he was) and he will tell you the same thing.
just shoot me an email if you want me to. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 6/24/2009 10:01:31 PM | Ok, whatever you do, do not, I REPEAT DO NOT move in with this guy! I know you are going to say it's not possible, but his current behavior is very indicative of an abusive personality. This is how it starts. Then it escalates, and gets worse, and before you know it you are trapped with someone that it's very hard to get away from.
The next time he leaves? let him stay gone! Don't call him, don't text him, let him GO. He is NOT an amazing guy, he's a jerk who treats you like crap when he doesn't get his way. An "amazing" guy does not "punish" his girlfriend for not doing what he tells her to. An "amazing" guy is not jealous and possessive when he has no reason to be. An "amazing" guy doesn't say "lose my number" because he's not getting his way.
Things "might" be amazing if not for his insecurity, but you have GOT to understand that you cannot fix his insecurity. The only person who can do that is HIM. It's part of who he is, and probably always will be, unless he gets professional help to deal with it. The problem is that people like him never think THEY have the problem...they think everyone else does.
Again: Do not move in with this guy, and get away from him, you don't want to be in a relationship with him. And whatever you do, USE BIRTH CONTROL! | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 6/28/2009 10:33:33 AM | Sounds like he's really saying he's done using you for whatever he's using you for and then maybe finds other women see through his little game so he goes back to the woman he can get away playing with.
do you really want to live the rest of your life like that? | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 6/28/2009 6:10:36 PM | | Kendra, some of the best advice that I wish I'd heard 20 or 30 years earlier is from Maya Angelou, who tells women to "quit falling in love with potential." He may be an amazing guy, but he is manipulative and the insecurity thing is just not going to go away, as much as you may hope that it will. If this is really how you see yourself spending your young adulthood, stay with him--but I think you deserve someone who respects you and trusts you. We can love people and still not be able to be in a relationship with them. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 6/28/2009 6:20:26 PM | | I must disagree with Roy--you DO NOT need to reassure this man! What he is expecting of you is ridiculous and it is not your responsibility to coddle his manipulative, immature self any further. Babe, this thing sounds worse the more I read. Please take care of yourself...if he is serious about having a relationship with you, then he should be serious about getting help for his "insecurities" before you take any further steps in this relationship. | |
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