Agio
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Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 26 | |
| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:59:36 PM | No offense but get a grip. Obviously you have a problem with the guy or yourself and for whatever reason, you can't bring yourself to addressing whatever it actually is. If these flaws of his were so superficial to you I doubt you'd keep mentioning them. It seems that you are experiencing guilt because you think the flaws are so superficial and by thinking so makes you such.
Hell, maybe you are superficial but at this stage of the game in life does it matter?
You speak about not wanting to hurt this man. Well the longer you try to convince yourself that you should like this guy even though he apparently irritates you, the more hurt is going to happen.
You're welcome-I accept paypal. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 8:03:38 PM | Well, clearly, you are not one of the women for whom personality is everything, as so many claim in another thread.
I say cut the guy loose. Those little things will keep you from enjoying any of the 'great' things. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 8:14:27 PM | Your problem is textbook. And also a typical argument in this forums. Also a reason why nice guys end up with nothing. Most of the girls I have gone ouint with have said that they would NEVER go out with a man with a mustache, and nose hair too boot. And after we date they go, I love the smell of your mustache, it's you. There's something about it that well, drives me nuts. What I am trying to say with that is this. Poor duffus. does not know how to create attraction on woman. If the poor bas!ard did, you would be wet in anticipation every time you saw him. Are you? No. Is it your fault. Actually NO. You are trying, but again the poor duffus doesn't know how to trigger your mechanisms for attraction and the only thing left is the instinct to find provider that women have, but in an advance society that instinct totally goes to waste because simply said you can provide for yourself. TaTA. So what do you do.
This is like telling someone that they have cancer. It hurts. You can't do anything. Keep going with the dude and eventually you will like him. LIKE HIM. That is horrible. He is a good person. But the problem is this. I can tell you what he needs to do right. But because I told you, not him, there would not be any magic. If I told him what to do and then started applying it to you, you will see the change, but from his actions. So you're sh!t out of luck.
So move on. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 8:22:22 PM |
I can tell you what he needs to do right. But because I told you, not him, there would not be any magic. If I told him what to do and then started applying it to you, you will see the change, but from his actions. So you're sh!t out of luck.
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OK...spill!
TELL ME so that maybe I can tell him.
I am so honest with this guy that I tell him 'it's like I need you to say or do something and I don't know what it is, but something to help me fall for you'.
It's one of the most ridiculous things to say to someone but it's the truth. He has everything I want, but the attraction factor is getting less and less and I don't want it to yet, I don't and cannot force myself to be with him solely on the fact that he is a 'great catch'. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 8:24:05 PM | I really think that if he is all that, he will take your suggestions. You can have fun with it. Get him trimmers for Christmas. Buy him some clothes you want him to wear out. I am sure you are in his bathroom, so check to see if he needs a new toothbrush and what kind of mouthwash and toothpaste is he using? Maybe he is using something that isn't effective for him. Bring over whatever you use.
You could ask him if he brushed before you kiss. You also might want to find out about how often he sees a dentist, maybe there is a problem he hasn't gotten taken care of. There is a thread on here about bad teeth I think, read it, amazing the things you learn about what could be going on in a mouth.
I am sure my ex-husband's girlfriend appreciates my ex's appearance and hygene. | |
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Savona
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Joined: 1/28/2007
Msg: 31 | |
| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 8:31:03 PM | Hi OP,
Somtimes there is just no getting around it ... sometimes it is just better to be "Friends", that is what happens. You like a man, but just not enough to say ...
Will I want to boink this man forever? Wake up every morning to his sweet face? Do I want him to make love to me in the morning even if he HASN'T yet brushed his teeth, or kiss me good night. Every night for the REST OF MY LIFE?
It sometimes just has nothing to do with how great a man or woman is, its the love connection. It's there or it isn't. Yes you can try and try to understand your brain, it says great guy, but your heart will lead in the end.
Savona | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 8:31:23 PM |
I can tell you what he needs to do right. But because I told you, not him, there would not be any magic. If I told him what to do and then started applying it to you, you will see the change, but from his actions. So you're sh!t out of luck.
.
OK...spill!
TELL ME so that maybe I can tell him.
Can you read the quote again. Can you understand about the magic part? If I tell you what he needs to do to you. You would know. It would not be a surprise. It would not be fresh, as if it came from him. So in the end it would not work. Part of the problem, is that you have labeled him a "nice" guy. A guy needs to get out of that mode on himself. If I was trying to conquer you I wouldn't go. Okay, here I go about the close. No. That would be ridiculous. I would simply close.
Do you catch my drift? | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 8:35:11 PM |
Do you catch my drift?
Riiiiiight over my head.
(I get what you said...by him knowing that I know what his game plan is, it would lose the effect it should have) | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 8:38:04 PM |
Will I want to boink this man forever? Wake up every morning to his sweet face? Do I want him to make love to me in the morning even if he HASN'T yet brushed his teeth, or kiss me good night. Every night for the REST OF MY LIFE?
Saviona,
Great reply. I have bad breath when I go to bed, but my Gf love that five in the morning nukkie when I get the hour long woody. She has not complained yet. The day that she goes. Go brush your teeth. Well, she will get none. hehehe. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 8:43:17 PM | | If you know the puchline, there's no joke. Do you enjoy a movie you know all that is gong to happen. look. I could couch him. But only in private. And you are not allowed to know, what I would tell him until HE puts it into practice. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 8:47:16 PM |
If you know the puchline, there's no joke. Do you enjoy a movie you know all that is gong to happen. look. I could couch him. But only in private. And you are not allowed to know, what I would tell him until HE puts it into practice.
I know what you would tell him....
You would tell him to back off. Back WAY off. Almost aloof like. Be busy when she calls you. Something along those lines right? | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 8:52:09 PM | Ok, If you want help.... here is what you do.
he has nose hairs- get a nose clipper for him. Tell him in a nice way. sweetie, people can see your nose hairs, time to trim them.
His breath is bad. But his kisses rock if I don't breath. this is called halitosis caused by gum disease or sinusitis (yes, this can cause bad breath). He will need to talk to a dentist ( or doctor) about this.
He dresses way to conservative for me- help get his kids on this. Go somewhere (alot better since it is close to christmas) and have them buy him some clothes. He will wear them only because his kids got it for him. My dad wore so many silly silly ties and colonge. He should have shot me.
he makes these stupid faces at times that sometimes I wonder if he is gay-- ok, this comment is a little to bad. Maybe he is trying to make you laugh. I mean who would not want to laugh. Do not laugh at these faces, give him a quick slap on the leg and say "honey!!" no grinning.
I almost feel disrespectful talking about him like this on a public forum because he does not deserve to be ridiculed in any way. It's just that these things are so hard for my look past.--almost?? I think you are way pass disrespectful here. He does not need to be ridiculed, but your doing it sweetie. You are trying that is why I'm trying to help you. These are things to help you improve how you feel about the guy. Fine.... start working on these things. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 8:52:54 PM | | He sounds great! Coach him a bit on nosehairs , breath and help him select clothing. Alot of men have no idea how to dress. I remember what men wore in the 70's (shutters). I didnt read the entire thread but if he is that good to you, he is a keeper. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 8:54:04 PM | This is really kind of a side issue, but I was struck by this....
I am so honest with this guy that I tell him ...
OP, you are honest with this man yet you can't discuss relatively minor issues like nose hairs and breath?
Do you get how weird that seems?
I'm not certain you are really being honest with yourself... something is "out" here, but I can't quite put my finger on it so I don't want to speculate. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 9:00:49 PM |
OP, you are honest with this man yet you can't discuss relatively minor issues like nose hairs and breath?
Do you get how weird that seems?
I understand what you are saying...but I have no idea how to be honest without hurting his feeling regarding the breath and nose hairs etc...
Quite honestly, this guy has no clue otherwise he would correct it. Tell me, if someone you were dating for only 2 months mentioned, no matter how sweetly, that your breath is horrible, you need to clip your nose hairs, and oh, while your at it...go get a new wardrobe, wouldn't you be extremely hurt? So by honest, I mean, that I am very truthful about how I 'feel' about him, but I cannot seem to bring myself to tell him about that other stuff. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 9:02:06 PM | I read this carefully, at least I hope so.
My thoughts:
Superficial...getting to me. No shortage of dates...treats me like GOLD. Conflicting thoughts.
Ggirl101, it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself of something or trying to talk yourself out of something. I don't know if it is one or the other. By now you have read some of the posters answers, and most of them seem to be very good replies to a serious question.
I suppose I am asking what is it that you want? What are you looking for? Because in the end, that is what counts. Ultimately, what matters is what is important to you. Is he the one? Is he a serious candidate? Is there a remote possibility? I really can't say. Despite what anyone says, in the final analysis, only you can decide.
Sorry, not much help, I know.
Good luck. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 9:06:48 PM | | I would waste no time in being a "friend" to him by saying... your nose hairs have gotten out of hand, have you thought about a trimmer and your breath isnt great either. Have you seen a dentist recently. Then I would suggest a shopping trip where you could both select eachothers clothes. Seems simple to me. Are you looking for a way to sabotage this relationship? | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 9:06:59 PM | | I would want a woman to be honest with me not matter what. Dating for 2 months, 17 years, or 5 days. get off you're holier than thou butt. Tell him how you feel. build something... get married.. invite me.. get drunk and dance all night....... come on!!! what is taking so long. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 9:10:12 PM | the essence is, if he changed these things that are not attractive to you, do you think you would be attracted to him physically?
if yes, then talk with him (i know it will take courage, but it's worth it. he probably does not realize he has bad breath....who does? i know i'm paranoid about it and would far prefer to be told than not!)
if the answer is no, then no matter how well he treats you, no matter how 'lucky' you are, it sounds like it will not ever be a romantic relationship for you and that also is something that will need to be discussed when you clarify how you really feel.
his exterior can be changed....and these things are easy if he wants to change them also.
his interior is what is of real value and the fact that you really like him on that level, i'd say it's worth going for the external changes and see how you feel then. it can't hurt and it could make all the difference to your really liking him on many levels.
don't worry about any thoughts of appearing superficial....we all have our tastes of what we 'fancy'. if he wants your love, i imagine he will be more than happy to fix these issues for you. and if you still don't feel an attraction, i'm sure the next woman he gets involved with will be very grateful for the improvements! | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 9:27:21 PM | So basically, OP, what you're saying is that if you could put a bag over his head and dress him right, you'll have a husband for life.
It is a unique experience to know positively that the person you're with will love you forever, that no one will treat you better, that that person will find ways to express their devotion until the both of you are wrinkled and bald and deaf and blind, and yet you're still not attracted.
It happens. The solution is simple: Choose. But know of what you are choosing, first -- the man whose love you may not deserve, or the man that doesn't deserve yours.
Choose. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 9:32:28 PM | So....two months ago, when you sat across the table at the restaurant or coffee shop and fixated on his nose hairs the FIRST time, you said....."SURE....HE'S GREAT!!....I'LL TAKE HIM!!" ?????? When he came walkin' in with his polyester double knit pants.......you said......"mmmm yeahhh.....!!!! Gotta have THIS ONE"???? And when he got rreeaaallllyyyyy close to you when going in for that first kiss.....you actually wanted SECONDS??? ( I meant a second kiss...not the garlic from the Lasagna he had that night....)
TWO WHOLE FARICKIN' MONTHS AGO????
You've been staring at some guy for TWO MONTHS who looks like he inhaled BOB MARLEY - FEET FIRST??? Do you hear what you're saying??? Like....I mean.....everytime you're talking to him....you're not looking at his EYES....you're hypnotized to the NOSEHAIRS??? FOR TWO MONTHS?????
Darlin'.....I gotta tell ya.....you're FAR from superficial.......maybe SUPER WHACKED....but DEFINITELY not superficial if you've been withholding from reaching out and just PLUCKING those things with some tweezers MID sentence while he's talkin'......I don't know whether to hug you.....or slap some sense into you...
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 9:36:07 PM |
I understand what you are saying...but I have no idea how to be honest without hurting his feeling
OP, again, I am not sure if this is just a side issue... or if your difficulty (perhaps) "in being honest", "in facing your feelings", is part of the disconnect you are feeling.
Consider this tho'.... nose hairs are not who he is... I rather doubt he has much of his identity wrapped up in his nose hairs and I don't think he would equate the hurt of being told "I'd rather see a sleek schnoze" with the hurt of losing "the ONE"... but in your mind... the hurts are relatively equal... you are very concerned with not hurting him over this rather minor issue... the concern is out of proportion to the act. My spidey-sense thinks hurt is somehow at the crux of your issue.
These thoughts are just wild speculation on my part... I surely do not know enough about you or your situation... so please just consider them thoughts... see if any are at all useful to you, if they are, use them, if they aren't, toss them. Don't feel you must answer any of this, I do not intend to put you on the spot... just some thought starters, really.
I believe we are never really confused... inside we know the answer, but don't want to face it so we "protect" oursselves by feeling confused. After all, as long as we are confused, we don't have to do anything.
At the base of your confusion is fear... fear of hurt at a minimum. In my experience, when we seek to avoid hurting someone, it is because we do not want to touch on our own hurt, our own pain. (Because we know how awful it is to hurt). I'm not sure, but you might be spinning your wheels on all of this confusion because you are doing your damndest to put off having to hurt him... not just yet.
Or perhaps, you are casting about to find a "good enough" reason to end it... something that will make sense to him and the other people in your life who may be incredulous that you tossed such a "good catch".
You live in the Yukon... how many eligible men are there in your neck of the woods? Is the fear of security part of this? Are you afraid of letting go of a good catch and not finding better than him, or being alone or living to regret your decision?
Are you afraid of how big of a commitment being in a relationship is? Now that this is a real possibility, Here, right now, with THIS man... are you afraid, and finding reasons why it won't work? Are you trying to determine if there is a guarantee that it will work out? Or a guarantee that it won't work out? | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 9:40:14 PM |
Quite honestly, this guy has no clue otherwise he would correct it.
You don't get it. What you want is an illusion in your head. You don't want THAT poor bas!ard. You want the illusion on your head.
I said it before. My gf, didn't like hairy guys, or with facial hair, now she loves it. I smell. she loves it. I fart. She, well laughs about it. I am a man. Your guy unfortunately so far has been your doormat. You two are not going anywhere. You trying to change him will not change anything. Him changing himself would work. But not because of you. ONLY because of him. Do you get it. You change the man, you got nothing. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 9:50:28 PM | OP, I'm going to take a slightly different perspective on this, forgive me if my speculation is way off: remember that I know nothing more about you than what you have written and so my guess may be very inaccurate.
I think you *know* these things are superficial and can be fixed, I don't think you are so daft or unable to communicate lovingly that you couldn't let him know that he can do something about excessive nose hair; or that you can smell something in his breath that makes you think it would be wise for him to see a dentist; or that he looks so much more attractive in this shirt than that one...
I think its something else but that you can't put your finger on it: something that means you can see him as wonderful on an intellectual level but the sparks aren't flying. I don't think that fixing the superficial things would have any effect on the sparkage: there's something bigger that is the problem. Could it be lack of respect? As Outmind observes, some women do lose respect for a man when he is too much of an eager puppy, head over heels, a slave to their every whim...
You don't seem to have any anxiety over him loving you, you take that for granted. You don't question for a moment whether you are good enough for him how someone so wonderful as him can possibly want to be with you etc etc. You don't appreciate him, you take him for granted. One approach to this problem may be a long weekend of soul-searching where you notice his finer qualities as a human being and the deficits in your own character --- not that you are not loveable and great just the way you are, but all of us have flaws and I think it will be helpful for you to recognise your non-superficial flaws and set your character beside his and see whether they are a good match or not.
If you can't see him in a more impressive light in this way, consider giving him more space and opportunity to impress you. What is he good at that you are not good at? If till nothing then I think you'll have to admit that the chemistry is just nt going to happen. It' nothing to do with nose hair and as Outmind says, everything to do with your perception of him a a person and the lack of feelings of respect and awe for him as a human being.
Just my opinion. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 9:51:56 PM | wow mtloophiker....your message is brilliant. this line....it so clearly expresses the present dilemma she is feeling....hence an unsolvable place until she moves beyond her fears and hierarchies.
The solution is simple: Choose. But know of what you are choosing, first -- the man whose love you may not deserve, or the man that doesn't deserve yours. | |
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