| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/6/2007 1:46:23 PM | Anyway, the sex is great, but after being with someone for awhile, you start wanting "more"
Well, ever heard of a *late bloomer* ?
She might be one of them ... especially when one aspect of your relationship is already g r e a t | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/7/2007 7:01:39 AM |
If she is dealing with something counseling might help but you would probably need to tread carefully before suggesting that or she might clam up more.
Pack,you make some good points in your message about shy people. Personally, I prefer a person who is open ,middle of the road and even tempered.
I did date a gal once who was shy and she would open up on occasion and then return into a silent ad bis. She was a nice person and all but there were those times it was like she was somewhere else.
I don't know how true this is but I read or seen on tv about dating that shy people are also selfish, has anyone else ever heard of that? | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/7/2007 7:50:39 AM | No, shy people are not selfish at all.
It takes me a while to open up and start talking...I used to be very shy. I am standoffish and will be for a while to come.
Have you asked her if she has always been this quiet and KIDDINGLY say to her 'or should I start preparing myself for when you do start talking?
Has your girlfriend been abused by a former boyfriend? If so, then she's watching you, she's playing it very safe and there is nothing wrong at all with that.
Some of us girls don't have a good 'picker sense' and we learned the hard way so we watch, just sit back and watch your actions, the tone of your voice in traffic, the way you handle pissy situations and when we see violence we hit the road running.
Give her a couple of more months, if she doesn't start opening up then tell her you cannot go on being in a 'one sided' relationship, she needs to offer up ideas on what you two can do together, simple stuff like a movie, dinner, etc..
If she can't or wont' and you need more then it will be time for you to move on.
Good Luck.
Belle~ | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/7/2007 8:00:30 AM |
I don't know how true this is but I read or seen on tv about dating that shy people are also selfish, has anyone else ever heard of that?
I think some are. But some people are just shy (a confidence thing) and others are more "withdrawn" in an anti-social sort of way.
I used to be shy and selfish - too money oriented. I think some people, when they can't relate to other people, relate to material stuff. So there's a dollar value assigned to everything they do. I would say I was part anti-social and part just plain shy.
My first gf broke me of that habit, though. It's fine to be responsible with money, but there's a big difference between that and being just plain cheap. A little planning and I can have my cake and eat it, too. I eat simply during the week, for example, and then I don't have to think about what I'm spending when we go out for dinner on the weekend. | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/7/2007 9:19:40 AM | Whoever heard about shy people being selfish. I guess the one who you heard it from doesn't like shy people.
I'm shy it doesn't make me selfish. It just makes it almost impossible to meet anyone or even to open up. I'm one of those people who need to know you for a while before I even consider coming out of my shell or meeting someone from the net. | |
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IRocky
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Joined: 7/22/2007
Msg: 56 | |
| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/7/2007 11:17:42 AM | One thing that doesn't help? Calling someone shy just makes the problem worst. It gives them a reason to shut-down. Like I said before, you should ask lots of questions to a shy person, this tends to give them a chance to open up.
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/7/2007 12:55:19 PM |
Well, ever heard of a *late bloomer* ?
She might be one of them ... especially when one aspect of your relationship is already g r e a t
You may well be right. I really liked the advice I got in this thread and am going to give it a shot before I throw in the towel, I've decided.
I should have mentioned something else. She has that classic ugly duckling syndrome where she was really shy, and thin as a rail growing up. Then she blossomed in her late teens early 20s. That part of her I really like.
It sucks when you meet a woman who is good looking and has an attitude about it. I'm not talking strong or confident, which is good. I'm talking attitude.
Especially now that I'm in my 30s, I've run into a lot of "used to be hot" women. They used to be hot and guys fell all over themselves to get in their pants. Now their looks are beginning to fade but they still have the old attitude. | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/7/2007 2:03:59 PM | Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
I do believe that they open up when feeling accepted, trusted, genuinly embraced, and not feeling pressurised.
Good luck!
P.S.
Patience is a virtue. | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/7/2007 6:35:57 PM | Let me tell you something because I feel like you are talking about me.
Okay, here is....umm I mean WAS my situation. I was very shy with the guy I'm with right now. It took me almost five months to open up with him. In fact I hated being the way I was, so shy and introverted that I used to tell him that he would be better off with someone like himself (even though I liked him a lot). Did he give up? Nope! Is everything alright now? Yes. Was it difficult for me? You bet it was. And I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him. But because of this, we've been together for one year and one month now. Why? Because in some sort of bizarre way we learned to like and love each other. He tried to accept my flaws and my respect for him grew by leaps and bounds. We're both 21. At 21, most men would have said, "see ya later" to me and gone because they don't wait around for shy girls. But he did not do that. I'm so thankful he did not. Due to him, I'm a confident person today and our relationship gets stronger and stronger everyday - physically, mentally, emotionally.
Oh and we met on this site.
Good luck, dude. Don't give up. You never know what you had until it slips out of your fingers. Your loss maybe someone else's gain. | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/8/2007 1:49:09 AM | so I'm thinking by 'wanting more'...you mean from and with her...
in which case,( and prolly every other case too), I would say 'no' do not wait patiently....speak and be heard....and then carry on.....ward and up...or down and out.....ultimately your choice.... | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/8/2007 3:15:23 PM |
if she is shy, i would expect the process to be slow. ppl dont just change from being shy to exuding confidence from a few dates or a few months of them. if your not a patient person, then i would suggest you do the girl a favor and move on. this is an issue that obviously grates on your nerves. presuming she is shy and not concieted, then the last thing she needs is an impatient man pushing her into his comfort zone. all that will do is push her deeper into her shell.
so I'm thinking by 'wanting more'...you mean from and with her...
in which case,( and prolly every other case too), I would say 'no' do not wait patiently....speak and be heard....and then carry on.....ward and up...or down and out.....ultimately your choice....
Two slightly contrasting viewpoints. Both are appreciated. I think both are correct.
This has been a great thread with lots of great input. As I said, I intend to stick it out and try a few things, and most importantly, be a little more patient. I recognize in myself that sometimes I'm too hasty to trust other people, and that's a factor in play here.
I guess also speaking to the guy who talked about "potential". Re-reading what you said, I see your point (think I mis-interpreted it the first time) and that's why I've stuck with it so far. I do feel there's a very warm, affectionate, great person in there. If I felt it was selfishness or a complete inability to trust any guy (not just me), I would have called it off. I see enough evidence that that's not the case.
So it's sort of a frustration thing on my part right now, I suppose. I believe in equal partners and the old give and take. Everyone has their good and bad points. Can you appeciate the good? Can you accept and work with the person's shortcomings? And of course, are they even shortcomings at all, or just differences in personality? And what are her frustrations about me? It's not like I'm perfect. (Damn near close, though, I gotta tell you.  ) Seriously, though, sometimes I'm the typical insecure guy. As Clint Eastwood said, "A man's got to know his limitations."
No two situations are exactly alike. In Kurt Vonnegutt's book "Mother Night", he described the main character's marriage as "a nation of two".
Since I started this thread I already started to implement some of UltimateheartSurgeons suggestions, as well as others. The response has been pretty good. She called me from a business trip, and I pointed out that I was really happy she'd called and that I was thinking of her. It was a little thing, perhaps, and she was obviously a little awkward at the compliment, but suddenly she's more communicative.
But hey, that's why I posted the question - to get some suggestions and be open to a few new possibilities I hadn't considered. When you're frustrated you need some outside input to see the forest for the trees and get your head on right. Win, lose or draw I feel good that I'm giving things a fair and honest chance. | |
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LWK
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Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 62 | |
| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/8/2007 4:03:07 PM |
She called me from a business trip, and I pointed out that I was really happy she'd called and that I was thinking of her. It was a little thing, perhaps, and she was obviously a little awkward at the compliment, but suddenly she's more communicative.
Bravo ! Small steps big rewards  | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/8/2007 6:41:27 PM | Some women bottle up their emotions where men are concerned.
I had an ex who did that.
She would bottle things up until she exploded and she would disappear for days on end.
I had a bellyfull of it in the end and ended therelationship.
Communication is very important in relationships.
After all, no one is a mind reader ! | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/9/2007 9:08:56 AM | Just because that particular women would disappear from time to time due to holding everything in till she exploded doesn't mean all shy women will do that. I don't do that anymore. I admit it use to be a problem but no more thank god
If anyone gets involved with a chick/dude who is shy well its best to take it slow. Start by talking about your life and experiences. Once they can relate to something they will start to open up more slowly. When they feel you have enough in common they should be able to come out of there shell soon enough. For someone who is open minded this could be frustrating but keep in mind everyone is different in there own way for there own reasons. | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/9/2007 11:19:20 AM | | Harrabayman you ex was not shy she was repressed . I am shy but once you get to know someone shyness goes away . I will tell people i know exactly what i think and what is bothering me . There is no holding it in. Being shy is just being reserved . Not repressed or selfish . | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/9/2007 11:57:18 AM | Sounds like to me you put the cart before the horse so to speak.
You have to accept people the way they are. You can't change anyone. You can only change yourself.
If you feel you might need to move on and find someone more compatiable, my advise to you is to try to have a relationship first, save sex for later when you are sure she is the one. Sex is a God given commitment between man and woman and should not be misused like it is. That's what hurts people. Especially women. That's why women think all men want is sex. So try saving that part of your soul for the one you really
love.
Rhonda | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/9/2007 12:04:43 PM | you could just stop calling her and in 2 months when she finally has her breakdown, goes nuts and calls you... you can tell her, "well you never called me so i figured you were done with me. I tried but you never initiated anything"
there.
(translation: move on)
thats my halfassed advice from the least shy person you'll ever meet. haha
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/9/2007 12:11:40 PM | Real nice people for the ones who make the shy people sound so uninterested. And ya all wonder why we have a hard time coming out of are shell. Geee maybe if ya all would get over the fact we're shy!!
Stop calling us just because we don't initiate anything? Thats low very low and makes us shy people stay in are shell because ya all cruel when it comes to shy people.  | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/9/2007 12:25:11 PM | lela i swear you are just one walking self pity party. i'm only goin to respond to you this once and then you're on your own.
if you have a panic attack at the thought of callin someone.. then you need help. professional help. from a doctor. how can you expect to have a healthy relationship with a give and take necessity of the old rule... ya know? 50/50? how is anyone supposed to live happy when they are giving 90% into the relationship and you are only giving 10% because you are too shy or scared or whatever to step up to the plate. and if you care about that person so much... get help. from a medical doctor (have you passed out yet?) not just for the future of your relationship.. but for yourself.
heal yourself. and stop being such a self hater. love yourself.
there are so many degrees of shyness... and then there is the whole UNIBOMBER shyness... anxiety... depression... these are unhealthy..
so thats all i have to say about that. i have dated shy guys and we had a blast. it was awesome. i helped them come outta there shell.. and they in turn had a great time with me. it was win win. hell we are still friends. but there are some people you cant help you cant live with and you cant deal with. in that case... its time to move on.
NUFF SAID. | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/9/2007 12:41:25 PM | I'm insulted you say get help and self pity? You don't know me so don't ever say it again.
I don't need help I accept myself for who I am. If someone needs someone who is not shy there the one with issues. Don't ever tell me I need help EVER!!!People gotta grow up and get over life. Anyways happy hunting. If people have an issue with shy people that much ignore us then. Instead of complaining about us. Duuu | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/9/2007 12:59:12 PM | Is she shy in social situations too, or just alone with you? I am a little on the shy side, but think I adapt well in meeting new people and am not antisocial by any means.
I think that would be more of a "red flag" if she bottled up around your friends/relatives. They may wonder what you see in her.
I can open up in a relationship - but after a bad one - it does take a lot longer to trust and open up.
If the sex is great, just mention to her (try not to insult her) that you would like her to initiate a little bit. I am definitely not shy in that area  , but she may have been rejected in the past and that does suck- and it is a hard obstacle to get past.
If everything else is great, hopefully this won't be a deal breaker. Good luck
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/9/2007 1:10:03 PM | | Its just not fair that shy people are expected to come out of there shell just because others are not shy. What if we are? Why should it matter? It has no reference to how the relationship will turn out. These people saying shy people need help are cruel because we don't. They need someone who can be open without a problem. They need to stop going for people who are shy instead of complaing about us. | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/9/2007 1:11:54 PM | | I think most shy girls would open up to someone, everyone wants to be loved so you would have to sooner or later, they just need to meet someone they really trust and connect with | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 12/9/2007 1:19:07 PM | You can't expect a shy person to become a loud mouthed extrovert any more then you can expect a loud mouthed extrovert to become a shy person. This is how you are born. When you look at babies and small children introverts and extroverts are recognizable even then . An extrovert can work at toning it down and an introvert can work at becoming a little more outgoing. However neither can ever become totally opposite of how they were born.
I wish people on here would stop making psychiatric diagnosis unless they have been to medical school and obtained a diploma . Even then any psychiatrist worth their salt would not make a diagnosis over the internet. | |
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| Shy and standoffish women - do they ever open up?
Posted: 3/3/2008 10:08:01 PM | I figured I'd post an update to this thread.
I tried my best. As I get older I'm more patient and less drama-prone. I'm past the point of picking fights to get her attention or raise issues. I'm past the point of assuming that if things aren't going well, it must be me. I got a few relationships under my belt. I know what I want and what I expect. I'm not joe perfect, but I think I'm at least joe okay.
But after awhile I couldn't deny to myself that I was unhappy with this woman. It never really progressed past the point of "dating" and sometimes bordered on "friends with benefits." Such was the distance she maintained between us. But still, there were those rare moments when you could just glimpse a real connection. And then, she would back off.
We broke it off recently at about 7 months.
Why'd I stick with it as long as I did? Well, I could sense that there's a deep, caring person in there somewhere, a really great person. But the way to her - well, I knocked on every door I know to knock on, and nobody answered.
What's a dog to do? Lick his wounds and find a new door to knock on. I wish her the best. | |
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