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| Can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2006 6:50:41 PM | Can you trust someone once they cheat on you? Is it possible? Sure. Is it probable? Nah. Cheating on your significant other, whether it was a meaningful experience or not is probably the largest strain on a relationship. Trust is severed. At least certain levels of it. A relationship without trust is doomed. Can you build that trust back? Yes, I think so. It takes a lot of effort, compassion and time, but it CAN be accomplished if both parties are hoping for the best. Trusting someone again after such a betrayal solely depends on each incident though. How long was the couple together? Were they married? Have they only been dating a week? Was a monogamous relationship assumed or discussed? Many factors, you see.
Anyway ...
Use your brain before you cheat. THINK. Have enough respect and decency to end the relationship before you decide to engage sexually with someone else. Do the right thing, and don't be so self-centred. Have some integrity, okay?
Apologies for being so harsh, but I get nauseated just thinking about it. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2006 6:56:36 PM | | cheaters always cheat. that is the only way they know. but there is always some fool that thinks they can change them because they are special......whatever. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2006 7:22:55 PM | | I learned the hard way. After an entire year of trying to rebuild the trust I had before I knew she was cheating,marriage therapy anything to make sure I was going to give 100% before leaving, I find out she was seeing him the entire time. Never again trust is earned but once you break it,and my heart with it the relationship is done. I promised myself I would never feel that way again,never be at work sick to my stomache because I wondered if she was sleeping with someone at that moment... | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2006 8:16:13 PM | | No I experienced that even by giving him a second chance and he was still cheating after that I left him and divorced him and I will not give him the time of day for another chance. I have learned once a cheater always a cheater and no 2nd chances....His lame excuse was all his friends had experience with more then one woman and since I was his first he wanted to know what it was like with other women.. The way I see it is if you are wanting to cheat or know you are going too then leave the person first. Once he cheated there was no trust whatsoever! | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2006 8:34:08 PM | This ws kind of funny at the time.but I'll share it with you from another point of view.
I had an employee that had worked for me for about a year.All of a sudden before it was even payday he dissapeared.He ws gone for about a month.He showed back up to get paid of course and also wanted to go back to work.I told him okay but he had to tell me the reason
he decided to not show up for work.He gave this speal about his wife and him argueing and
him leaving.The reason ws he went out to a bar an caught a social disease(crabs) and then gave them to his wife.I asked did she for give you he said yes everything was fine.Well he worked for awhile and after about six months went by he went missing again.This time for a little longer.Came back and asked if he could go back to work.He was a good worker so I said yes but I wanted to know why he left again.Bottom line.He gave his wife crabs again.So I hired him back and everything was fine for a couple years.Then he dissapeared again. ( without getting paid).He showed up about a month later asking for his check.And of course being the inquisitive person I am had to ask what happened.He said you know I just don't understand women she forgave me the first time ,no problem,She forgave me the second time,no problem,you just think she'd forgive me third time wouldn't you | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2006 9:44:35 PM | Some things you do in life there is no redemption from; some there is. Everyone gets one on the cheating deal...call it a mulligan...that doesn't mean to trivialize the hurt and betrayal of finding out your SO cheated on you, but they get one more more chance to make things right, if they're sincere about wanting to redeem themselves from their mistake...from there, if they do the same thing again, they're done.
I always hear the same thing, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I'll disagree, because 20 yeas ago I cheated on my GF that I was living with at the time, with an old flame. I felt so guilty and dirty afterwords, that I actually treated my GF even better than usual, but the underlying problems in our relationship foced their way to the surface, and we eventually split up. She never knew, but I felt like a piece of garbage, and vowed to never again let myself feel that way. I have never cheated on someone since that time, and never would. It was kind of ironic that what ended my marriage was her cheating on me, but thats a different story. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 9/24/2006 2:51:16 PM | | No No No..... Even if you can forgive them you can never forget and one day it will come back and eat away at you.... Who suffers? You do.....The cheat walks away scot free after having their cake and eating it.... and getting seconds! While you beat yourself up with all the " Why Me" " Am i not good enough" " What did i do wrong" stuff | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 9/24/2006 3:00:29 PM | | I'm a firm believer in the "you teach people how you want to be treated" idea, so if you accept someone's affair, you are teaching him or her that it is okay to cheat and they will do it again with much likelihood. By eliminating him or her from your life you take the power and control back and teach them that this is a "deal breaker" to quote another post. Perhaps the cheater will think twice in future relationships, but they will never get the chance to do it to you again... | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 9/24/2006 3:57:10 PM | | No. I tried and no matter what I did, the thoughts still came back to me, even months later. It was like there was this underlying, subtle anger that would creep up out of the blue. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 9/24/2006 4:19:08 PM | NO! believe me once they cheat they always will. the funny thing after 5 diffrent men that I know of and 2years later she tried to came back, there is no dumb printed on my forehead, keep on looking ol' lady, and good luck, I've neverbeen happier, now that YOU ARE G_O_N_E | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 9/24/2006 4:58:24 PM | | NO ,well at least i cant ,,it he needed to go out and get it somewhere else then he is not for you..Hes definitly not in love with you or he wouldnt want anyone else..so no i would not trust him again..Forgive him yes but i would always have that doubt in my mind ,, | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 9/24/2006 5:07:03 PM | | Something else I am kinda funny about, if I know that the woman I have interest in cheated in the previous relationship, I usually cut ties then too. There is never an excuse for cheating, and I don't really trust people who have. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 9/28/2006 11:17:22 PM | I'll go with a qualified "rarely should they be trusted".
People do have lapses in judgement, to me how they deal with the consequences of their actions tells me so much more about the person.
Here is the story to explain my view. I was very close friends with a woman that did infact cheat on her bf. What followed was a call to me asking for advice, so we discussed her options and the likely consequences. Her response was "Well it's bad enough that I did this. But, I can't even look at myself in the mirror and think of myself as a decent person unless I tell him exactly what happened"  Yes we have here a person that cheated but does have strong morals, she made a mistake and as terrible as she felt about it is unlikely to repeat that particular mistake. Now that is one cheater I can fully trust. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 9/29/2006 7:16:12 AM | Back in late April of this year, I decided to write about this topic for my blog readers. I run a blog that's pretty active, so I try to constantly review topics we're all familiar with while bringing a fresh perspective to them. I hope this is useful to some of you:
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Infidelity or unfaithfulness is a voluntary failure to comply with tacit or explicit sexual (or, less commonly, emotional) morality, such as commitment to monogamy.
This deeply painful concept is embedded in the social fabric of human societies dating back thousands of years. Whether within a marriage, an unspoken bond, or the verbal agreement of exclusively -- infidelity can be found among both genders, and across all ethnic, and religious backgrounds.
Is it all to unfortunate for those who find themselves trapped in relationships -- where they've found themselves unable to cope with the conflicts that arise from a quiet despair that plagues so many relationships today. The void some fill with the love of another often compromises more then just their relationship, but something far deeper -- the heart of another, as well as their own.
Cheating in committed relationships is far more common today then it's ever been in the history of human relationships. Rather than talk about the technical aspects, I'd hoped to talk about an experience that I'd had long ago. While I wouldn't technically consider this infidelity in the most common context, it may as well have been.
Is it any wonder that it's not just sex we long for, but that emotional connection to someone else -- usually of the opposite sex -- where we feel we have another who desires us, makes us feel moved and real? In a lot of dead relationships, where communication has broken down to a point where romance is replaced by despair, love is replaced by fear of being found out, and guilt rises to the surface of consciousness poisoning and paralyzing the soul. Men and women alike dishonor each other - and some of you reading this have likely been on one side or the other.
Trust, honesty, respect, loyalty, -- these qualities bond us to those we love, and when basic social premise are compromised, the deepest wounds can be inflicted on the person we'd long hoped we'd avoid hurting. It's a conflict to have needs, and enter a commitment and one day find that the love which once shrouded you, is gone -- you lay naked and cold experiencing the distance between you and the person you thought would never abandon you. Often these special others in our lives don't abandon us with mal-intent, but our perceived sense of lack leads us to stray. Whatever their reasons -- those who commit infidelity tread on the darkest of arduous roads that intimacy can afford a human being.
In the end, neither person -- the cheater, or the cheated ever really heals from the damage done once the truth is known
Many people have stated unequivocally that infidelity is totally unacceptable, but perhaps their reasoning isn't rooted in morality as much as it is in guilt. Perhaps in their past, they had many moments of infidelity. While a person might never sexually stray in relationships. Is it really any different? Most would justify that it wasn't, but the truth was, if you're doing that, then chances are you're unhappy in many ways, and feel you have any options. We reason at those times that our actions couldn't hurt anyone, since we're not wasn't acting on them.
How much of a mistake is it that we as a society and our culture can accept that only the action of infidelity brings consequences? There is a price to pay for longing in your heart, just as much as meeting someone in some obscure place to be passionately consumed with instinctual lust.
Maybe it's time I rethink infidelity in a broader context, stop judging others and seriously reconsider the complexity and context in which so many people hopelessly fall into the trap of this error. We often assume the cheater's objective is self-seeking -- which is true -- but we add the connotation of devious conscientious calculation, viciously seeking to only have their needs met without any remorse or care for those they're cheating on. We call it evil, claiming they have destructive intention. Sadly, in most cases this couldn't be further from the truth. There are many cases where vindictive hearts, deceive and betray while entirely aware of what they're doing, but I'm speaking from the other perspective.
Maybe it's time you rethink your own moments of infidelity. Have you made mistakes, and hurt others -- filling your needs at their expense? Have you found yourself trapped, feeling isolated and unable to meet your needs while trying to do what is right?
What is right is difficult to say -- but I think it's safe to say that our fundamental character should be the measure by which choices we make. Will the choice we make injure us -- even if we're not caught, even if no one else knows? We know -- does it level us, leaving us open to making poor choices in the future on other events? Will we compromise in other areas where trust, loyalty and honesty -- among other things -- are central to our lives?
Today I understand why I felt the way I did in some of relationships. I was in the wrong relationships at the wrong time in my life. I had not found my princess. I'd sacrificed miss-right, for miss-right now. With ill notions, and immaturity, I'd fallen into the trap in my youth of selling my soul, even if only in my head. With mistakes made, and lessons learned, I've made the choice to end relationships when I notice these trends developing today. If I'm straying in my heart -- then I know I've already communicated my feelings, said my peace, and still found myself alone. It's time to end it at that time, immediately. I can't tell anyone else what is right for them, but I can sum up my own thoughts. I'd rather be hated for the truth, than loved for the lie and I can't deny what's really in my heart. Betray another, and you betray yourself. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 9/29/2006 8:39:15 AM | | Interesting this topic as I just had this happen to me,he didnt cheat in the physical sense but who knows where it would have gone?I saw that my guy was sending personal messages to girls,he tried to say he was just flirtin or playin,no harm done,but to me that is still cheating,and now I feel there is no trust left and having a hard time with it,,help... | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 9/29/2006 10:00:20 AM | | Trust would have to be earned again but would you forget? No- and that would be the reason you could'nt go back to that person. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 10/1/2006 6:00:21 AM | | I think once someone has made the decision to cheat it just makes it easier to cheat the next time. Most people who cheat are searching for something they will never find. It would nice to think they can be trusted but I dont care to take the chance myself. That thought would always be in the back of my mind. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 10/1/2006 10:42:26 AM | "Once bitten, twice shy".
I had to learn the meaning of those words the hard way.
For some, I'm sure there's something within them that really gets inspired by forgiving someones actions of infidelity. Unless there was some overriding explanation, say... refusing sex for more than a year, by a spouse... THEN I think the action is justified. Otherwise ...
No. Not no, .. but HELL NO!  | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 10/1/2006 1:40:10 PM | contrary to popular belief, trust is not a prerequisite to a deeply loving and meaningful relationship. If it isn't there you either learn to live with it or you bail. I learned to live with it: accepted that my insecurity had more to do with the distrust than anything my partner actually did and made the best of it.
I am by nature and always was very loyal and faithful; but at a certain point in my life i decided that i was never going to invest everything i had in one person again because it made me too vulnerable. I was in danger of loving too much and so by having two partners i was able to diffuse my affection and so not be to overbearing to either one. it worked quite well...took a bit of adjusting to.....developed the art of compartmentalisation ...and got on with my life quite successfully. Enjoyed the love i had and no longer 'needed' one person i lost that desperation for love and the over-dependency. It worked well FOR ME. I recognise it isn't for everyone. So effectively i made myself be unfaithful just for my own emotional survival and wellbeing: and stayed faithful to the two men. hehe
At a certain point i felt like i was living a lie and couldn't continue with it, so i asked for a divorce and devoted myself to the man i didn't expect to have such strong feelings for. I didn't recognise how much he loved me, he wasnt' demonstrative or attentive, but i felt emotionally secure with him. However when i met someone who lavished me with attention and promises of marriage and the whole horse and carriage kit and caboodle i was transported. I fell in love with someone else and didn't want to cheat 'for fun' so tried to end the previous relationship. i got a nasty shock. The man i felt didn't love me enough was totally devastated by what i had done. he was a principled, upright strong individual who was reduced to begging in tears on his knees and i was mortified. how could i throw this away? i would never be more loved or needed. And that is all i had ever wanted in the world. Why couldn't he have shown me all this before. I really had no idea he cared so much. it was deeply upsetting for everyone. i resolved there and then never to jeopardise something so precious again. To give him everything i had to give as he was not going to abuse it. To completey devote myself to him forever and never look back. His love was a prize to be treasured. I was very blessed. It was so unconditional. How many relationships could over come that much conflict and pressure? not many. He did not want to lose me and i did not deserve that adoration, but it taught me a valuable lesson. That we have a responsibility to ourselves and to others to treat them with respect and sensitivity and never to take love for granted. I never cheated again after that, and it never even crossed my mind because i felt so lucky and so loved. And yes i feel bad about what i did but it taught me the importance of being faithful. i was so lucky he gave me another chance because we were very happy together for years after that, so much stronger as a couple. Some people learn from their mistakes, some people can forgive selfish and heartless behaviour and grow together as a couple. but I admit it is alot to ask and alot to expect.
prior to this my philosophy was: once a cheat - always a cheat; but now i think differently and think that it is yet another thing that you can't generalise about. If the man i loved cheated on me i could either forgive him and keep him or not forgive him and lose him. Also i could forgive him and lose him which would be terrible but i think he'd be back eventually once the novelty wore off. i could live with that because i believe love conquers all and there isn't enough forgiveness in relationships these days. | |
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4love
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Joined: 9/9/2006
Msg: 250 | |
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