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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/11/2007 10:53:50 PM | I have been cheated on more then once. I have found that it's not a question of if they will cheat again or not but if you can ever forget it. I forgave her for cheating, more then once, worked through it, but the truth be told, I never forgot it and I think it had an effect on our relationship until the end. She sometimes accused me of being distant and even cold and I am sure that was the reason. When I found out about the last time I just couldn't forgive anymore and ended it. For me, I could never trust a cheater not to cheat again...
Thanks for dragging up such painful memories, Why don't you give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it...   | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/17/2007 7:21:07 AM | Some people actually regret what they have done and will never make the same stupid mistake again.
It's not necessarily that they need to change, good people do stupid things.
However, people can change! I would be cautious though, as many people ruin it for those that do change. I guess you really need to consider what the person means to you and whether or not you believe they feel terrible for what they've done. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/17/2007 7:59:16 AM | | Of course you can trust someone once they cheat!!! You can trust that if forgiven, they will cheat again!!! As the saying goes, a leopard cannot change it's spots! | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/17/2007 9:03:56 AM | I forgave her for cheating, more then once, worked through it, but the truth be told, I never forgot it and I think it had an effect on our relationship until the end.
I can certainly relate to your sad experience. Fact is you can probably forgive ( that is the easy part ), but the forgetting part is the hardest. It does have an impact on a relationship. You feel like a couple, but with that lover following you everywhere. I apparently brought this problem when I asked for him to sign a pre-nupt, he felt I didn't trust him....... | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/17/2007 9:32:20 AM | No, it's impossible. No matter how much you try to put it behind you, work on it, etc. it's always going to be there.
I wouldn't even keep dating someone who cheated on his last girlfriend. Like I told him, if she was the love of his life and he cheated, what would he end up doing to me? | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/17/2007 9:47:53 AM | There are lots of books out there on how to overcome infidelity within a relationship.
It can be done but it takes two and it takes couples counciling.
Its a long road full of pain. Couple who emerge on the other end are often happier and healthier for the experience. Remember though, the cheater cheats because there are emotional issues within the cheater or the relationship which the cheater is not willing and/or able to deal with. So, if your partner is not willing to REALLY work at reearning your trust and you are not REALLY willing to work at trusting him/her again then no. Walk away now. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/17/2007 10:20:32 AM | The biggest problem with couples that try to get past an incident of infidelity is usually the self proclaimed "victim" who then feels as tho the other person has to "make it up to them" and "prove they can be trusted" and very rarely actually moves past the empowerment of the incident to a place where they have any chance whatsoever of building the relationship how it should have been to begin with
So what they call giving someone a "second chance" isnt at all, its a continuation of the first abysmal excuse for a cruddy relationship made worse by any degree of compromise, effort and balance the "victim" might have had before being replaced with a supercillious self important pompousness meaning that whatever was wrong to case the other person to be so unhappy they cheated to begin with will usually be far worse and more exagerated next time around with THEM being expected to bend to breaking point
In most cases someone chating on you is a wake up call for some self evaluation, a chance to actually listen for a change and find out where YOU are lacking, but thats too much like hard work and isnt as fun as arrogant dictatorship within a relationship which many feel is what they now have the "right" to exhibit when they have been cheated on
But the flaws there are that nobody else can "prove" anything to someone who is so caught up with fear and worry of repetition, because even if the other person wouldnt cheat again their own paranoia and constant looking for "signs" will mean that they will see them even when they arent there
They will generally be quite closed and functioning with one foot permanently outside the door to the relationship, which tends to doom them even without an infidelity all by itself over time
They lack the ability to trust rather than as claimed that the other person "cant be trusted", and with it lose the ability to believe or hope for positive outcomes with that person
So its not so much an ifidelity that dooms a relationship to being irrepairable, its usually the mindset of the self appointed victim milking it for all its worth thereafter that dooms it
The people who DO move past it tend to end up with a far stronger and healthier relationship than they had to begin with | |
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Awrita
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Joined: 12/2/2007
Msg: 586 | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/18/2007 2:51:36 PM | NO...
If they loved you then it would never have happened..
If I wasnt enough to keep them faithful then I never will be...
Then on a more personal side ever time he touches me I wonder if thats what he did to her.. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/18/2007 4:20:08 PM |
theres no excuse in my eyes for betraying trust and commitment
Thats an interesting comment really
Because many, if not most people who DO cheat have been "betrayed", they cheat because what they "trusted" their partner to contribute into their relationship wasnt just betrayed as many times as they cheated, but the betrayal they endured happened many times a day, for many days, filling many months and in some cases for years and even decades
We "trust" a partner to have time for us, to have interest in us, our hopes, dreams, aspirations, goals and daily occurences, we "trust" they will save time and energy for us, that they wont expend so much of those things on their own pursuits and freinds that they are always too tired, too busy or too "out" to be the partner they were "trusted" to be
We trust a partner will show respect, be an ear or shoulder, that they will treat us as an equal and countless other things as important AND as integral as fidelity
Yet people rarely bat an eyelid at THOSE betrayals, and when those betrayals and broken trusts have happened for long enough that someone cheats as part of finding the things their partner SHOULD have been trusted to provide within their relationship, then, and only then do they start whinging and whining about trusts and betrayals
So maybe people who have the inclination to boo frickety hoo like a six year old about their "trust" being "betrayed" by a cheating partner should count to 10, take a deep breath and count up all the times they betrayed their cheating ex's trust and for how long before they cheated that went on for
Its easy to play the blameless "victim" but its rarely an acurate facade | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/18/2007 5:29:19 PM | Very well said, Cunning linguist.
As for my answer to the question, it is Yes. It is possible to trust again, but most people won't. No matter what the cheater does to atone after the act, it will not be forgotten, and rarely is it truly forgiven.
I don't even know if I could forgive it or trust again, but it is possible. Hopefully I won't have to find out. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/18/2007 5:39:23 PM | | Well this is a complicated question......Ive been with a few guy that have cheated on me..... ok most of them usally i drop there asses right after i find out. But im now dating a guy, who did cheat on me within the first 3 days of us dating and didnt tell me till like ....... last week wow talk aobut a realtionship on a lie..kinda but i kno he didnt cheat on me after that since he is with me like 24/7 maybe he felt bad or somthing but i kno that a level of trust that was once there isnt there anymore. But we are working on it. At one point i began to think cheatin was natural lol mainly becasue everyguy i was with does it. maybe i just find bad apples. But im not willing to give up on a relationship that is now working out so well and he acts truely sorry.So i forgave him but theres always the trust issue now. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/18/2007 5:39:27 PM | | I would never be able to, it is something I could never forgive. I hold myself to high standards and I expect my friends and lovers to be the same. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/18/2007 5:46:14 PM |
Because many, if not most people who DO cheat have been "betrayed", they cheat because what they "trusted" their partner to contribute into their relationship wasnt just betrayed as many times as they cheated, but the betrayal they endured happened many times a day, for many days, filling many months and in some cases for years and even decades
totally agree..........however, if the connection is lost within the relationship, 'both' people are responsible for this happening imo, and if they are unwilling to work towards re-connecting, or have already tried to 'fix' the problems, but have exhausted all options ........then days, months, years, go by and all attempts are unsuccessful , and 'both' are miserable......then one partner 'chooses'/'decides' that in order to to feel alive again, they seek another person to fill the void of emptiness they currently feel, while the other just continues to co-exist in a partnership void of any real passion/love.....
i think in this scenario, both people are 'victims' , however the cheater, imo, has taken it one step further by using his feeling of powerlessness as a form of permission to justify 'betrayal' as a valid alternative.....so now you have two 'victims', but one who has also broken the bond of trust and committment to the other through deception , and expects to be forgiven because the other party contributed to his misery and is somehow responsible for his actions......
i could not forgive in this situation, simply because he chose 'deception' as a solution to a rocky relationship, and that for me would destroy any form of respect i had left for him...there are always other alternatives.......leaving would be one of them....but i just cant see 'cheating' as ever being the solution, and if you are forgiven, then i think you have to be willing to 'prove' you will not do it again, even if that means letting go of any form of 'ego' or 'integrity' until your 'word' becomes consistently true to your actions....jmo.... | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/18/2007 6:06:55 PM | Cunning,
I have to disagree with much of what you have said (at least in part) and agree on some others.
Cheating DOES indeed happen when something int he relationship has gone afoul. However, your first response (about the "victim" behavior) plants far too much emphasis on exonerating the cheater while vilifying the one cheated on. In situations like you mention, the cheater is still as much to blame, if not more so, in many cases. That ties into your second set of comments about betrayal.
Most of the "betrayals" you mention, and far more you do not, are indications of relationships gone bad. Add to this, that many times THOSE betrayals are also perpetrated by the cheater (either equal to or greater than the "victim"). Either way, they are usually ignored for one of two reasons. Either one or both of the people choose to ignore them or can't see them and so it never gets resolved until the issue is forced. Or the couple never brings it up. Communication, or the lack of it, is generally the primary reason for a relationship to go sour.
The other reason why many people stick around in bad relationships even if there is ok communication/realization is insecurity. She/he cheats but is the best I can do, or the always popular "I just don't want to be alone".
I do NOT condone "once a cheater always a cheater" but if you cheat on me in a relationship, unless there are children involved (or maybe a few other major things like an estate or some such) the relationship is over... end of story.
Even if your boy/girlfriend was the biggest **stard on the planet... you made the choice to stick with them. If you cheat on them that is YOU making the choice to commit to a betrayal in that relationship. Two wrongs do not make a right, and unless someone else (kids) is counting on that relationship I'm not going to sit around and try and work things out with a person who felt that cheating was a valid choice instead of working out problems in a relationship.
They chose their course of action, so they choose the consequences. Hopefully it was a mistake and they learned their lesson, but it will be a "better luck next time" since I'm not gonna be around. I won't even say most cheaters are like this, I don't think anyone can say why "most" people cheat, or what "most" cheaters are like. This is my personal experience from my time getting cheated on. And I can tell you that there was nothing on my side of the table that came to bear. She cut off the contact, she did the lying, she did the cheating, and she even did the stealing too. So sometimes it's all on one person in the relationship, the only fault of the other person is either not seeing the signs soon enough or having too much faith in their partner to end it before it got ugly. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/18/2007 6:23:22 PM | | Absolutely not. My husband cheated the first time when my son was a year old. Begged me to take him back and he would change. That lasted a year til he did it again. Now I have kicked him out for good. I thought at first he could change and tried my best to trust again, but he did nothing to earn it back. He has made it very hard for me to trust anyone again. Men out there, any advice cause I am having a hard time in relationships and trust now. I want to love and trust again but it is so hard. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/18/2007 6:28:52 PM | [The biggest problem with couples that try to get past an incident of infidelity is usually the self proclaimed "victim" who then feels as tho the other person has to "make it up to them" and "prove they can be trusted" and very rarely actually moves past the empowerment of the incident to a place where they have any chance whatsoever of building the relationship how it should have been to begin with
So what they call giving someone a "second chance" isnt at all, its a continuation of the first abysmal excuse for a cruddy relationship made worse by any degree of compromise, effort and balance the "victim" might have had before being replaced with a supercillious self important pompousness meaning that whatever was wrong to case the other person to be so unhappy they cheated to begin with will usually be far worse and more exagerated next time around with THEM being expected to bend to breaking point
In most cases someone chating on you is a wake up call for some self evaluation, a chance to actually listen for a change and find out where YOU are lacking, but thats too much like hard work and isnt as fun as arrogant dictatorship within a relationship which many feel is what they now have the "right" to exhibit when they have been cheated on
But the flaws there are that nobody else can "prove" anything to someone who is so caught up with fear and worry of repetition, because even if the other person wouldnt cheat again their own paranoia and constant looking for "signs" will mean that they will see them even when they arent there
They will generally be quite closed and functioning with one foot permanently outside the door to the relationship, which tends to doom them even without an infidelity all by itself over time
They lack the ability to trust rather than as claimed that the other person "cant be trusted", and with it lose the ability to believe or hope for positive outcomes with that person
So its not so much an ifidelity that dooms a relationship to being irrepairable, its usually the mindset of the self appointed victim milking it for all its worth thereafter that dooms it
The people who DO move past it tend to end up with a far stronger and healthier relationship than they had to begin with]
Really! How nice of you to always blame the person being cheated on. Sounds to me like YOU are trying to blame someone for your cheating because they didn't take good enough care of you.
My ex cheated on me from the begining. more then once. She came from a broken family where the old man was a drunken druggie who beat her mother and left when she was young. But he would come back now and again to screw with her mother. Her attitude towards Extra marrital sex was, as long as she didn't LOVE him, whats the problem, it's just sex. I tried to get her to come to counseling but she wouldn't go because how could a complete stranger help her. I stayed with her for 27 years working on it. So go take your self important psyhco "blame the Victim" crap and stick it...
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/18/2007 6:32:52 PM | ^^Whatever
No.
If a person cheats on you once, and you stay, you are giving them power to do it again. And again.
We teach people how to treat us.
Happy Fishing!
Heart | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/18/2007 6:51:38 PM | First off let me say that I was a cheatee, not a cheater. Second I have been there done that in this very situation, so I feel like I am very qualified to voice my opinion on this subject. I think alot of people here are answering as if the question read could you forgive someone if they cheated on you.. this is the thing, there is alot of difference in taking someone back, forgiving but not forgetting, and learning to trust that person again. see I went through this I took my now ex back after she had cheated on me for a rather lengthy 3 year long affair.. Now I know some of you are saying whoooa, what a nimrod.. You have to remember that I took this person as my wife and believed in all the vows that I took. I know that it is trust shattering thing to find out that your significant other has just given someone else something that was supposedly yours forever, but let's face the facts here.. I wasn't going to let something like that break up my marraige. I decided to fight the urge to run out to the nearest divorce attorney and flop down my hard earned money and spend the next 15 years seeing my children 4 days a month. Now here is the tricky part... She did it again!! Big surprise huh?? So when I found that little bit of information out I gladly rushed out to my nearest high dollar attorney and gladly flopped down a cool 8 grand and ended up two years later with my kids.. So now I don't have to be a 4 day a month Dad.. The moral to this long story?? If you think in your heart that it is worth saving do what you think is the right thing.. You can forgive, and it is a very very hard thing to do, but you will never forget.
If you take them back after a deal breaker like being cheated on think about what must be going through their minds.. OMG he just took me back after I cheated on him?? JEEZ, I can do no wrong.. you life will be a living hell because in their mind they can now do no wrong... You can trust someone, but why would you want to put yourself through something like that.. trust me on this.. MOVE ON!! Forget them, because you will only end up getting your heart broken again in the end. Merry Christmas all!! | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/18/2007 7:35:03 PM | There answer is always no. Why should you? I mean they took their time to go behind your back and gave you the worst feeling ever. That's not true love. If you're happy with someone and "in love" then why seek somewhere else? And if you're not happy and not "in love" then break it off before you cheat. Cheating is for lazy slackers. I have been cheated on and it's not a good feeling. Just knowing the one that you put so much of your trust into was with someone for one night of "fun", breaks your heart. The worse part is the trusting issue. It's hard to trust. And when you thought you had trust with this person and they go and break it off, it's terrible. And the person that is fooling around with the cheater is just as guilty as the cheater. There's too many men out there for girls to fool around with another girl's man. I mean, come on girls, seriously.
You just hear too many stories of couples breaking up because of cheating. And married men with girls...what is with that?? I just don't get it. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/18/2007 8:32:48 PM | Cunning linguist:
You sound like a cheater. How does the victim suddenly get so ugly? There are many good reason to truly 'forgive'...but w/an attitude like yours...how could one forget?...you'd be the first to bring it up...if your forgiving 'mate' was upset with you about anything....communication and truth.....and of course REAL love, which is suppose to be unconditional MUST work both ways!! She forgives you for cheating...forgive her for having on occasion 'flashbacks' of a hurtful time...the further you both WORK away from that time, the closer two get to the heart of the real matter, REAL life long LOVE. Both deserving of forgiveness. A must in order to be truly together and thankful for it. | |
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