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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/19/2007 5:13:34 PM | | NO! NEVER! Been there, done that. You never look at that person in the same way again; no matter how many promises they may make you, you always wonder if they will stray again. On that note, chances are they will. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/19/2007 7:17:17 PM | As I said, practically NOBODY cheats on someone who is pushing all of their buttons and is fulfilling their every dream of partnerdom, thats just what people who get cheated on prefer to think because its easier to live with than accepting they arent that perfect
with all due respect cunning, the above statement implies that the 'onus' of 'fulfilling the dream of partnerdom' is on the cheatee, and not on the cheater, and usually if a relationship has gone 'sour', i think it's up to both parties to recognize their contribution to it's deterioration.......but
there is no excuse, imo, for cheating, i see it as a 'character flaw' /selfish/ and a cowardly act, and unforgiveable because, 'betrayal' is far more difficult to overcome than a breakdown in communication/connection in a relationship...
no-one is perfect, we are all 'flawed' in one way or another, thats the beauty of being human, however i think we all have our limitations on what we can and cant accept, as well as how far we would go when we are unhappy, and i believe some people are capable of cheating and some aren't, so even though i do think there has to be some flexibility and willingness to forgive in a partnership as well as accept responsibility for our part if our partner does something we consider to be a deal breaker, due to our actions..... but cheating , for me is not in my criteria to deserve forgiveness.... | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/19/2007 7:52:09 PM | Nope, even if you do try to forgive, you'll never forget. I was in that situation and stayed wayyyy too long. I could never love her after what she did. She cheated with people I introduced her to very early in our relationship, and not just once. I'd keep forgiving her. I'd keep giving her another chance. I even married her despite my in-capability to truly love her anymore. I was just proving something and I wanted a steady sex partner. I thought that being in a relationship meant making it work. When I look back now, I cared more about sex and what everyone else thought. If people saw me still in this relationship, then I must be doing something right. It was all about fulfillment of my own (at that time warped) instinct for sexual security and all about approval and validation by a woman, by society, my parents, friends (the ones I could trust), etc., etc (whoever). The irony was NOBODY approved of her, not my parents, not my trusted friends, but I needed a steady sex partner. She was also my first. I didn't listen to anyone.
It totally changed the dynamic of the relationship and we ended up very bitter and hateful towards each other. I turned into a control freak and watched her every move. I tried to make her change by controlling our environment, isolating us from people. I ended-up a very angry, frightened and bitter person. I never was abusive, just silently scornful and mis-trusting, manipulative.
I never ever want to be that person again. How do I avoid that you ask? By never allowing myself to suffer through that indignity and disrespect again. By being honest and direct and up-front about my principles and values and living by them, even when that means telling someone to f**k themself and then walking away. Thankfully, I'm not that person today and I have the balls to say "get out" or "I'm leaving" followed by the appropriate corresponding action. I don't have to "make" anything work. Play by the rules or get the F out. No second chances, ever.
During all that time when I was desperate for steady sex and validation, I never once realized I could free myself from my own prison just by walking away. Never once did I consider that maybe I could do better and deserved better than that. That there really were plenty of fish in the sea.
I feel worse for her because she was a sick person. The greatest gift I could have given her would have been to tell her that I don't tolerate that and deserve to be treated better and to take a walk. In retrospect I see how I prevented her from growing-up and learning a lesson. All because I had to "make it work". I also wound-up hurting myself and failed to learn how to let go and let god. I failed to grow-up from it and learn how to move on. It took me many years to see how I brought that all upon myself, to change, and to be able to trust again.
As it stood after a decade of this very disfunction and the divorce (which she, the cheater, ironically asked for) that we were separated by our landlady at that time who decided she was giving the apartment to her son. It was as-if god intervened. My ex ended-up being disowned by her parents, involved with drugs and pregnant by someone much younger than her. She wasn't even sure who the father was.
This was no surprise.
Mike | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/19/2007 7:52:56 PM | shit no. you cant change a person, they have to change themselves and if you let them get away with it, its almost like encouraging it.
dont take that kind of abuse. once they cheat its over because in a relationship the things you offer are you'r mind, loyalty, and sometimes body if you cant control yourself. but yeah, if you give those up to someone else, it lessens the relationship. not worth it. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/19/2007 7:55:55 PM | I think it depends on why they cheated kind of thing. Most likely what ever it was that WAS between you is over, trust is GONE just let go and move on!
You will always wonder in the back of your mind if they will do it again... What would stop them? They did it to you before kind of thing!
It is totally a case by case thing and you really don't know what you would do until you are in the situation!  | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/19/2007 7:57:33 PM | Geeeee, So many noble & perfect people in the same place... Its sure nice they didnt hold your past against all of you before marriage..OR maybe they dont know all of it..Hmmmm
Your answer is YES but its not required...thats a choice....Jr_senator | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/19/2007 8:07:27 PM | I have not read all the post on this one To Long. I have had someone cheat on me and took her back. I was able to forgive her but had alot less trust for her and also dumped her later for other reasons. So you Can do it if you want to and the person has remorse. If not I have no time for them to be wasted with it. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/19/2007 8:48:28 PM | cunning:
the cheater in my life had plenty of reasons to cheat...his drinking had finally put him up against the wall....he couldn't pay his rent, or buy food, or pay the utilites...so, along comes a 'wanna be woman" with some money.....actually they'd been 'cheating' for awhile...but until she offered her credit cards, check book, savings, and CD's....a toy is all she was......and the squint of a man, popped a few prozac...and suddenly was a the stud of all studs (more like the heel of all heels.)..but beings he and she were all hopped up on prozac and delussion...and beings he'd had some time to convinced her I was just terrible to him...well, her wanting to try on being a 'woman' decided she was better at knowing him and doing him than I...and of course he agreed with her, cause she had the money...and he didn't want to work anymore and all...so they ran off and got married...she bought her own wedding rings too.......she moved in with him while he was still making my lunch, telling me he loved me and walking me to work.....a month later they were married. WEIRDO's.........I honestly believe he probably wonder how he could 'off' me an not get caught....why? because how else could he do what he did to me?.....he knew the truth....I'd done nothing....not one hurtful thing to him...I loved him, I just wouldn't pay his rent, or buy his booze | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/20/2007 3:58:30 AM | | I personally would not trust someone again if they cheated on me, However , that doesn't mean that they will cheat on every one they meet. It doesn't mean they are an awful person , they've made a mistake, if they have the guts to say they've done it and leave the relationship, hopefully the next relationship they have will be the right one and they won't cheat. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/20/2007 6:00:16 AM | | I guess the main thing is ...thinking you had something very special, hanging on to it through tough times for years...only to find when they suddenly leave, after months of searching for answers...soul searching.....YOU WERE WRONG. So you go through months of hurt and realization, moments of great bitterness and confusion...and then you just move on...I still have moments of bitterness...but I know it isn't healthy so I get past it, each day a bit easier and 'forgiving' than the last. Life is life, we live it bumps and all.....and learn if we can from the mistakes....I know I am worthy of all I THOUGHT I had...and I will find my way. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/20/2007 8:37:12 AM | Yes, only after you are ready to forgive them ... and make them never forget that you can walk out from where you came!!
My hubbies cheated on me three times (with three women that I thought were my friends) ... I had enough (obviously ... cna you blame me) soI took of two provinces over and I got pregnant (not on purpose - I swear!!) with anoother man's baby and I kept him - and he's wonderful!!!!
I got back to my home town when I was pregnant ... we ended up meeting up because we work at the smae place, he tole me I had gotten so big ... and I told him I had gotten so 4 and a half months pregnant with twins (which I was - I lost my girl :( ) ... and we have been together ever since. There was one hiccup since, but it wasn't cheating by any means and I let him know that this time I was going to be GONE if he did it one more time ... and that was it.
Now he is the loving Father to my son (although he isn't my husbands biologically) and he wishes he was ... but that is his cross to bear. Karma is a ****!!
I have every faith that is the end of that!!
Answer yes, but be smart about it!! | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/20/2007 10:29:05 AM | There is absolutely no excuse for cheating. If you cheat, you are saying that you don't really care about the person you are in a relationship with. They may say they love you and would do anything to make you happy but if they cheat on you it proves the type of person they are.
Has anyone that has been cheated on also found that those people who cheated on you were always the ones that had extra concern for you cheating on them? It seems as though the faithful ones are the ones that don't get jealous easily while the cheaters are the ones that don't even want you talking to someone else of the opposite sex. Am I right here in most cases? | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/20/2007 11:28:34 AM | " Well firstly the "99%" figure had a VERY specific set of circumstances attached to it that you CHOSE to conveniently miss so you could squease your own particular "woe is me" sob story in even tho it doesnt even come close to the scenario that WAS attached to the figure (check back as if you need to)""
Sorry Cunning, but your entire thread has been about exonerating the cheater and blaming MOST of the problem on the victim. So to claim specificity on your 99% number is a cop out. Secondly, I am not looking for any sympathy. I chose to stayed as long as I did and try to work it out, shame on me. I just think your "blame the victim not the cheater counsel" is a great way for people who cheat to justify their actions. "See its your fault I can't keep my pants on everytime we hit a bump in the road. "
Also, if you really are a counselor, I guess my ex may have a point about complete stangers not being able to help her. She would have loved to hear it wasn't her fault. Nothing that has ever happened to her has ever been her fault so who knows you probably would of got lucky. You want her number???
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/20/2007 6:42:19 PM | Hello? THAT was awesome, telling it the way it really is...mr 'cunning' has probably cheated his/her way through their entire life...and suffered for it to boot!! But, why stop now eh??? There is a whole world of people to blame....I feel sorry for whomever he actually "counsels" scarry........he must be on prozac or booze himself.   | |
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naeco
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Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 643 | |
| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/20/2007 6:49:04 PM | | I'm not going to read all of the replies (obviously), but I think the answer is no. For one thing, it's true, if they do it once, chances are that they will do it again. Secondly, something made them want to cheat to begin with. And thirdly, cheating to me is like a lie, and it is a betrayal of trust. Them having sex with someone else is bad enough, but the betrayal of trust pretty much cannot be forgiven. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/20/2007 8:01:32 PM | thebestbeancounter Quotes: People who cheat don't deserve good relationships.. that's just my opinion..
MY Opinion is you would have been good at the Salem Witch Trials....maybe we should drag them down the street, sew a BIG red "C" on there chest, then a tatoo the word CHEAT on there forhead HUH? ~ Jr_Senator ~ | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/20/2007 8:04:41 PM | | Are you effin kidding me? No! Never!! Why would someone even want to risk being hurt like that AGAIN? Besides that, the life you would live try to gain trust again. It would not be fun for either party. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/20/2007 10:10:45 PM | JR: ah don't we all agree the :Salem Witches were innocent of the charges? and led by mass hysteria??? Gee's.......way way different don't ya think? | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/21/2007 12:52:32 AM |
with all due respect cunning, the above statement implies that the 'onus' of 'fulfilling the dream of partnerdom' is on the cheatee, and not on the cheater, and usually if a relationship has gone 'sour', i think it's up to both parties to recognize their contribution to it's deterioration.......but
I think you will realise that I HAVE actually used the word BOTH quite excessively, but in relationship to the...erm....relationship
This thread is specifically about the cheating, and as much as the cheater ALWAYS makes the decision to actually cheat which is solely their choice when its a byproduct of a long relationship its majoratively the case that the REASON they made that decision is directly related to actions or innactions of their partner and is also the generally the case that they HAVE tried many times for many years to address the needs that werent being met to no success and THEN they "decide" to cheat
The "victim" however will tend to want to selectively ignore the past years, the endless dialogues, requests, conversations and will want to ONLY focus on the fact THEY were cheated on, choosing to ignore all the things that are equally matters of "trust" where they repeatedly let down, ignored or betrayed the cheater leading up to that point
That IS however unpallateable addressing mutual responsibility and both people making a relationship work or fail, but as is commonly the case people have a tendency to do everything except find time for a partner today leaving it till tomorrow, but eventually there arent any more "tomorrows" either because they have upped and left OR because they cheated
The only difference is that a person whos partner got sick of always playing second fiddle and left is far more likely to look back to see where THEY also went wrong in that relationship, whereas the "victim" of cheating wont, instead they prefere to hide behind the fallacy of their "wronged" status and focus on how wrong and heartless the cheater was
there is no excuse, imo, for cheating, i see it as a 'character flaw' /selfish/ and a cowardly act, and unforgiveable because, 'betrayal' is far more difficult to overcome than a breakdown in communication/connection in a relationship...
There IS also no excuse or repeated and summary denigration of a partner, if you want the "respect" of not being cheated on then a good way to achieve that is by showing the equal and complimentary "respect" of not always putting a partner behind friends, work, hobbies, TV shows, solitary pursuits or even just "me" time till theres no room for "us" time left
I'm not for one second claiming cheating isnt wrong, nor that someone is actually driven to the "act" of cheating, simply that NOTHING happens for no reason whatsoever, there is alsways a cause to an effect but we are expected to be dimwitted enough to believe their are droves of people who were utterly saintly perfect partners who were just cheated on for "no" reason who never dropped the ball in their relationship even once and never denied a partner anything that a partner "trusts" to have within a relationship
Then we have the ones who will claim they werent "perfect" but where they did drop the ball it wasnt "enough" to justify cheating on, but thats a subjective arguement and one thats too convenient really because what "THEY" think wasnt "enough" isnt even relevant because they just didnt do it because it didnt feel important to "them", when it could have been immensely important to the person who at that moment in time needed it whether it was an ear, a hug, some advice or simply some "us" time
Claiming that failings werent "enough" to justify a partner cheating is no less ridiculous a claim as the cheater saying their cheating "wasnt a big deal". Niether can or is entitled to speak for how important the things are/were to the other person
What cheating is or isnt is as varied as snow flakes are. Whether a person will do it again depends as much on why they did it to begin with as it does with what actually changes afterwards. Infact to claim a cheater "never changes" is possibly one of the silliest and least reasoned comments people make and IS purely a self defensive tack that avoids them ever having to take any risk or apply any effort or self evaluation to a situation
People change throughout their whole lives, people act and react according to the circumstances and where their life is at during any given moment
So yeah, someone who cheated because of how flawed and unfulfilling their relationship was for them WILL cheat again or just leave if their sham of a "second chance" is with regards how their partner behaves no better than it was before and remains unaltered, they WILL cheat again or leave if worse than just being AS bad its worse because their partner sees only their fault and constantly rubs it in their face in a variety of ways without taking any responsibility for all the time before they cheated
So no matter how guilty they felt, no matter how much they want to make it work and are prepared to do their 50% towards fizing what was wrong to begin with its worthless without the other mutual contributor to the problems ALSO doing their 50% otherwise you dont even have a "second chance" you simply have a recommencement of the initial and severely dysfunctional mess made worse by the "victims" pious feeling of entitlement to be a pain in the ass because the cheater was the ONLY one in the wrong in their eyes
The problem here tho is that we are conditioned to see things in a very specific way
Ignore you partner, always be too busy for them, never feel bothered enough to save time and energy for them, always put anything at all in front of them and give them the table scraps of your time and energy and thats fine, we arent conditioned to see that as being very "bad" at all
But cheat even once and you have committed the cardinal and vastly exagerated sin of betrayal
My only point here is that all the other things that we dont see as being "such a big deal" ARE big deals, they are just as much a betrayal of trust as cheating but happen daily and for years without change
I stronly believe that IF people viewed all the other things as being AS serious a betrayal as cheating and if couples mutually applied themselves to making more time for each other then cheating would be castigated to a very small minority of cases where its the very small percentage of people who just cheat because they can, the ones who only stick at a relationship because of kids and financial reasons and the ones who are just with the wrong person and want to "ease" into the new relationship to make sure its REALLY what they perceive it to be before they end the old one
Whereas from the couples I've dealt with the main reason by far that people have cheated wasnt for sex, it was because their partner wasnt making time for them
So when "love" is being wheeled out many people ARE cheating on people they love, but a person who doesnt love THEM enough to have any time for them for actual companionship, support, conversation, closeness, intimacy and a whole host of other things. So they try to just make up those things that are lacking and ARE (to them) very basic emotional needs elsewhere rather than throwing the baby out with the bathwater so to speak
So cheating is really just bourne out of complacency much of the time, the assumption that no matter what you DONT do a partner will always just suck it up and wont end up going elsewhere and eventually cheating as a result
But its a VERY flawed assumption
Another way to look at it is this
Many will feel just AS "cheated on" if someone isnt having sex with someone but is just sharing "moments" with them that they think should be for a partner. To them its "cheating" because they class those things as stuff that denote closeness that only a "couple" should share
But what usually leads to someone in an LTR cheating is the same thing in a way, the persons time and energy incessantly and repeatedly being "shared" with anyone and everyone except them
So long before the cheater cheats they often feel its them being cheated on with far less trivial people that someone who there is an attraction towards or even feelings for. They are being cheated on with hobbies, hair appointments, time at the gym, time cycling, time out with friends, extra work committments that arent necessary and pretty much everything their partner has or can squeeze into their lives
Personally I would feel much better being cheated on because a partner fell for someone than to have them doing it effectively with a bingo night, a bridge evening, a meal with friends they constantly slag off anyway, or just because someone is a bit tired or wants to "me" time rather than cuddle up for five minutes when their partner has had an equally (to them) crappy day etc because the second scenario indirectly says "hey, look how trivial and unimportant YOU are to me"
And its not until couples realise how that feels to the would be cheater that anything is likely to change
The cheater has that feeling only when they discover the infidelity, but the cheater has in many cases lived with that feeling for a VERY long time prior to them cheating, which is why the "victims" prefer to ONLY focus on the cheating and devalue anything that led towards that action becoming a reality
thebestbeancounter Quotes: People who cheat don't deserve good relationships.. that's just my opinion
Thats sorta the point tho, they didnt HAVE "good relationships" to begin with, THATS why they were out banging someone else haha | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/21/2007 1:41:38 AM | It definitely hurts the Trust but I think Trust can be regained. A lot depends on how you found out they cheated. Did they confess, did someone snitch on them, did you catch them in the act. (Were they really sorry, or only sorry that they got caught?)
And is this truly a one time thing?
Do you know enough about their history? have enough evidence? enough proof (other than their word) to verify that what they say is true?
Once it is established that I have been lied to by a man with whom I am in a relationship with then a verbal assurance that he hasnt been with anyone else is no longer enough. IF he has lied to me about other things how do I know he is telling the truth about this or that? That's why it behooves a man (or woman) to be straightforward and honest from the beginning . You never get a second chance to make a first impression. | |
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