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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/21/2007 5:51:54 PM | | Cunning: One moves on, gets out of a relationship that 'is no good'...BEFORE they find another...."shop then drop"...hmmmm (as in pants or skirt) don't ya think thats kinda saying "you are ok, till I find something better?"...if they just would say that, they wouldn't get a chance to 'cheat'......they'd be on their own...but the little coward, pantywaist cheaters are to afraid of the dark to be alone...or can't pay their rent or something hmmm ya think?????? | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/21/2007 5:58:47 PM | | I think it depends on how long you've knownthe person and how deep into a relationship you both had journey. Although, there still is a very slim chance in be able to trust that sort of thing, no matter what the circumstance, but I am sure there are people in this world who may have a great relation even after that occured in their past. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/21/2007 6:17:49 PM | Hi I agree with you, it never just happens, everyone has some form of self control. And if they cheat they are not only cheating you but cheating the other person or persons involved as well. It is so totally an act of betrayal and disrespect it would be exceptionally hard to ever fully trust the cheater again.
Cheers | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/21/2007 6:21:55 PM | | The question actually was can you trust someone once they have cheated therefor shouldn't you expect people to give their own personal opinion hence the word you!! I'm sure the people that reply to these questions are only giveing their personal opinion. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/21/2007 6:25:37 PM | | Good call Irisheyes I'm with you nothing worse than a coward that strings other people along whilst he/she is out hunting and playing the field to cover their own yellow bellies and cowardly backs. You bet they are afraid afraid of being alone, maybe they don't like their own Company - too much guilt to deal with. Don't think they have learnt to put the shose on the other foot do you? | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/21/2007 6:46:37 PM | Welcome my friend IRISHBLUEEYESSTILLCRY.........My post of the Trials of Salem was in regards to an answer I received.....quote: People who cheat don't deserve good relationships...
Maybe there is a biased opinion here from those that were violated. Is the woman or man guilty of cheating when he has sex before marriage therfore shouldn't be trusted again? '
Forgiveness is choice each have to deal with from a wrong doing...Its not required, BUT the answer to the orginal question is YES!!!!! Everyone should be able to change without a sign on him or her dont ya think?
Thank you for your comments ~Jr_Senator~: | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/22/2007 7:49:43 AM | | You know,,,I'd like to think that perhaps circumstance may cause someone to cheat,,,but reality is that most people who cheat simply are not dedicated to a monogamous relationship. ANd my experience show if they cheat once,,,they most likely will cheat again,,,,,and as you stated,,,they are simply afraid to be alone. Or they fear you may being doing something so they figure they will do it first so they are the ones causing the hurt,,,,,,no matter why or how it happens,,so far as I am concerned it is the single most destructive thing that can happen in a relatonship. want a cheat???? find someone else. | |
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naeco
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Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 665 | |
| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/22/2007 10:25:31 AM |
How could anyone possibly lye next to a partner they knew had been lying next to someone else?
You mean they were using lye soap? | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/22/2007 1:48:55 PM | The problem here tho is that we are conditioned to see things in a very specific way
true....but i dont see that as a problem in this case.....we all perceive things differently based on how we are conditioned and our value system dictates to a large degree what is and is not acceptable for us....eg, if my primary values are honesty and loyalty, and my partner 'cheats' on me, that tells me we have mismatched values, therefore we are not compatible.....i am very flexible with my secondary values, ie, to be heard, understood, and appreciated, etc, and if my partner neglects these secondary values for a period of time, or vice-versa, i would hope through communication we would be able to resolve this........if not, we break up......
cheating shouldn't even come into the equation imo, there are 'always' other options, the worst case scenario being walking away with dignity.....
There IS also no excuse or repeated and summary denigration of a partner, if you want the "respect" of not being cheated on then a good way to achieve that is by showing the equal and complimentary "respect" of not always putting a partner behind friends, work, hobbies, TV shows, solitary pursuits or even just "me" time till theres no room for "us" time left
if my partner was feeling that denigrated by me, i would, want him to leave or if he communicated his sadness to me, i would try and work it out, or if i knew i had also 'disconnected' to the same degree, i would leave....
But cheat even once and you have committed the cardinal and vastly exagerated sin of betrayal
pretty much!!! Only it's not exaggerated and i would 'expect' him to leave me if i ever betrayed him.......works both ways.......... | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/22/2007 3:53:45 PM |
if my partner was feeling that denigrated by me, i would, want him to leave or if he communicated his sadness to me, i would try and work it out, or if i knew i had also 'disconnected' to the same degree, i would leave....
That part is the crux here, and is to say the least a bit idealistic and altought it MIGHT apply to you doesnt apply to the vast majority, if that were the case then we would have fewer divorces and far fewer people cheating to begin with
Again people are associating sex with "love", yet on the other hand its not uncommon for men or women to go totally off sex and still "love" someone, similarly people can and do have sex with someone they DONT love. So its hardly a revelation that the two arent inextricably entwined
So its a) possible for someone to NOT be having sex with someone they do love and equally possible for someone to be having sex with someone they dont so the first key point here is that someone sleeping with someone else isnt by itself "proof" they dont love the person they are cheating on
As for a partner feeling "denigrated", thats probably the single biggest complaint in relationships across the board, from the non working woman complaining her husband/partner comes home too tired to give them any attention to the man claiming his wife/girlfriend is too tired to give them attention when they come home amongst countless other reasons
That doesnt mean they dont "love" each other, infact its more a sign of the times and social/work pressures and HAS usually been "communicated" over and over again
Then you have the mismatched problems, one person who likes to natter about current affairs when the other doesnt, one who likes to natter about local social things when the other doesnt, one who is stressed out over something when the other is too tired or busy to listen and doesnt think they should prioritise their partner because an assignment or work report needs to be done etc
Those things are ALSO betrayals and can and do feel as much like a betrayal to the soon to be cheater as the cheating does to the non cheater. But we arent conditioned to add any value or weight to ignoring a partner even tho to the person being ignored they might as well be being cheated on
Thats what I meant by conditioning, things that are often at the root of cheating are things we are conditioned to almost not see. But to the person they are being done to its just as hurtful as cheating, and in some ways is worse because in a lot of cases they are second best to pretty much anything their partner has to do. But if they love them and moreso when theres kids involved just leaving isnt going to be the first option
So whats often pursued is to find that companionship elsewhere, sex usually isnt part of it to begin with, just a shoulder to lean on, an ear to bash, someone to discuss the day with etc
All of which are JUST as important part of a relationship as fidelity is and feel as scathing as an infidelity does when someone is being treated that way by someone they love and get no change even when they bring it up as the "things will get better" expectation is usually the only answer arrived at, but they rarely do as theres always some new crisis, report, assignment, school play, friend with a relationship problem or whatever else their partner is "too busy" doing to give them any of their time
The problem tho is that the "victim" either selectively or just because of different priorities and importances will rarely be aware of this. To them they were the "perfect partner" and their nasty horrible ex just upped and cheated on them boo hoo.
The reality of the situation is however very VERY rarely like that. But as long as people continue to put spending time with a partner off till tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow ad infinitum people will continue to not be prepared to just sit by being ignored till the "things get better" and WILL continue to try to supplement their basic needs until they ACTUALLY get better providing that happens before they meet someone better and DO actually leave thus removing anymore "tomorrows" for their needs to be denigrated to
In a way its often because someone DOES love a partner that they dont leave but end up cheating. When someone doesnt have feelings for a partner they ARE more likely to just up sticks and sod off when they are at the bottom of their partners list of priorities for a prolonged period of time.
The interactions that eventually lead to cheating are often started because although someone DOES love their partner they also still want and deserve to have their needs met too. Their partner is meeting their needs by doing whatever else they are doing instead of putting time aside for their partner, but that only meets one persons needs
So as much as people will call a cheater selfish, they are often cheating because their partner has been totally selfish for a long time prior to the infidelity
As much as people will assume if they cant provide the basic requirement of fidelity they ought to have the "guts" to leave their partner has often been failing to provide countless basic requirements repeatedly and over time but didnt have the "guts" to leave
As much as people class infidelity as a betrayal of trust the cheaters partner will have been betraying countless trusts repeatedly and over time
But as a society we encourage people to whinge about being cheated on whilst seeing all the other betrayals the cheater has often endured as "normal" and no big deal, nothing to write home about etc etc
Truth of the matter tho is that they never are "big deals" to the person not doing them, theyre just big deals to the person who wants, needs and expects them as part of their basic human needs especially when in an alleged relationship and if their partner cant be bothered to make any effort to provide them many people go elsewhere as they would if they wanted to do salsa classes and their partner didnt
After all its not a new thing or a big deal for someone to go outside a relationship for oodles of things their partner should or could provide but doesnt want to or cant provide such as a whole host of social activities and hobbies, "non partner" chat such as nights out with mates, the daily banter of work colleagues, social groups etc etc etc
Just because one person is too tired, busy or uninterested in an activity to prioritise it doesnt magically mean their partner wont still want, need and crave it
And as much as people say that where their is a disparity the neglected party "should" just go without IF they loved their partner that sets a preceedence for neglect where someone should always just put up with any form of neglected or denied attention which makes someone akin to a possession or slave really
What would be a more productive and relationship enhancing view is that the person not doing the activities SHOULD do them if THEY loved their partner or at least 50% of the time. When they can never be bothered they can pretty much expect their partner to find someone who CAN be bothered to treat them as more than a trivial co habitee
This isnt btw condoning cheating, its simply pointing out that most of the time when someone is whinging that a long term partner has cheated on them the most acurate response is actually "WELL DUH!!! What did you expect?"
Being cheated on for most is no more or less than the level of respect that they deserve, its the ultimate in karma and is just giving them the same level of trust they have been showing the person who cheated on them for a long time before they resorted to cheating to meet their needs
But only couples who can actually communicated about those problems and not just whinge and whine about the cheating ever have any hope of rebuilding their relationship
And not cheating again is actually quite easy to accomplish, not getting too wrapped up with work, higher education, hobbies, friends or social pursuits to the exclusion of your partner is a far more bahitual betrayal and is one that is much more likely to happen again if a couple try to have the relationship they SHOULD have had before cheating occured
And after all, ignoring and neglecting a partner says "I dont love you" no less clearly than cheating is perveived to, but is comparatively seen as no big deal in society
So its hardly surprising that cheating is so prevalent
Maybe is as many people actually practised "treat people as you would want to be treated" as incessantly blurt it out relationships would be better and more functional. But what most really mean by that phrase is simply "treat me how I want to be treated" and rarely repay in equal measure | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/23/2007 12:18:47 AM | Absolutely, positively, NO.
And don't be jealous of the woman he's cheating on your with. Feel sorry for her. He will cheat on her too! | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/23/2007 12:27:59 AM | NO-NO-NO-NO-NOOOOOOOOOOOO Them cheating on you and you letting them by with it the first time makes it easier for them to do it the second time and third and fourth and fifth and so on. And, what you are doing is training them that its ok to do it as long as they reward you for excepting there appologies.............. NOT NO BUT HELL NO | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/23/2007 12:33:39 AM | Im a Ship Captain gone for long periods of time and believe me no matter how long you've been married or dating they never stop cheating. To raise my sons I put up with it for almost 20 yrs with my ex-wife and after i raised my boys I had had enough and got out fast................... Believe me this is the most un-forgivable sin and if you cant trust the person on MAJOR things like this how can you say you even know the person because they have probably been lieing about the itty bitty things also. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/23/2007 2:15:56 AM | So whats often pursued is to find that companionship elsewhere, sex usually isnt part of it to begin with, just a shoulder to lean on, an ear to bash, someone to discuss the day with etc
i think anyone who has to resort to this as a consequence of unmet needs at home is being self delusional in the sense that it's only a temporary fill and accompanied with it would come a strong sense of guilt (assuming they have a conscience) , which then only adds fuel to the already existing fire at home......so how can this, in any way help the couple re-establish their sense of connectedness.?..if anything i believe it would drive an even bigger wedge to an already shitty situation.......
And after all, ignoring and neglecting a partner says "I dont love you" no less clearly than cheating is perveived to, but is comparatively seen as no big deal in society
they are both 'victims' of the situation 'they' created, therefore are accountable for whatever action 'they' choose....however if one is ignoring or neglecting the other, i doubt it's an intentional act to 'hurt' their partner, i would say it's more of an unconcious response to years of their own needs not being met and even though this is 'wrong' and doing nothing to 'fix' the relationship, this person deserves more empathy imo than someone who is feeling the same pain but takes it to another level of 'betrayal' by being under the 'illusion' that another person can fill in the missing pieces........ | |
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