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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/24/2007 10:11:23 PM | | NO! Once that trust has been broken, it can never be replaced or recaptured. You'll wonder the next time they are late or want to go out with freinds if that is what is really going on. Ron | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/27/2007 12:09:11 AM | | YES YOU CAN....CAN THEY TRUST YOU? A violation of trust requires a show of change I suppose..... But some trust because they forgive....not a tough question ~Jr_Senator~ | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/27/2007 12:42:20 AM | Yeah gals! Please let them back into your lives. So when the perfect moment arrives when they are buck naked in bed or whever they are buck naked at for doing you and when he fully trusts you to do him and ride him like a wild bronco get out the handy dandy large and sharp scissors and just show them who really wears the pants now!
Okay, guys, listen up! Some chick named Mrs. Bobbitt in some midwestern state had the right idea. If you keep misbehavin' they'll either bite it off or cut it off in due time and then you wil be out of any future fun and pleasure. Why take chances??? Use the smarter of the two heads before you lose one of 'em;Stalk and all! Okay gals, i'm just kidding.... If you catch me cheating on you I never said or suggested the above stuff, you got it!?!? | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 12/27/2007 12:58:30 AM |
If a guy or girl cheats can you trust them again and if so how?
They, whoever THEY are, say that love is blind. Has to be stupid too in this scenario imo. But as to how - darn good question. Ankle monitor?
and who are you to judge?
Well, way back in the day two women came to me both claiming to be the real mother of the same baby. Perhaps you know the story. Any more questions? | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 2/21/2008 8:28:07 PM |
(Msg 669) All of which are JUST as important part of a relationship as fidelity is and feel as scathing as an infidelity does when someone is being treated that way by someone they love and get no change even when they bring it up as the "things will get better" expectation is usually the only answer arrived at, but they rarely do as theres always some new crisis, report, assignment, school play, friend with a relationship problem or whatever else their partner is "too busy" doing to give them any of their time……”
IMO, both Cunning_linguist’s posts, 648 and 669, are excellent.
There are a couple of things I’d like to further comment on. I frequently read people’s remarks that sex is not all that important to a relationship. It’s not the be-all-and-end-all. It’s not at the top of the list. Of course, when talking about cheating we’re talking about sex and we see that sex is all that important and we see that sex quickly blows everything else out of the water.
I think it’s referred to as cognitive dissonance, “the inconsistency between one's beliefs and one's actions”. A person may say sex is not all that important but their actions when discovering their partner is having an affair say otherwise and that’s where the problem lies.
As Cunning mentioned in msg 648 people use excuses such hobbies, hair appointments, time at the gym, time cycling, time out with friends, extra work committments that arent necessary and pretty much everything one can squeeze into their lives rather than make time for their partner. Is it any wonder the partner looks elsewhere?
People ask why the person does not leave the relationship if they plan on having an affair and, again, Cunning accurately sums it up with , “
As much as people will assume if they cant provide the basic requirement of fidelity they ought to have the "guts" to leave their partner has often been failing to provide countless basic requirements repeatedly and over time but didnt have the "guts" to leave.”
Why is the onus on the person, the one not receiving what is normally and rightfully expected, to leave? If one is expected to have sex only with their partner is there no accountability on the part of the partner to supply it?
People have argued one should talk it out with their partner. I believe there are very few people who have not broached the subject with their partner. How direct can one be? How can one get their point across other than casually suggest there is a lack of sex and hope their partner will pick up on it? If it’s going to involve a negotiation what is that going to do to sexual arousal?
Imagine the following conversation: “Well, it’s Wednesday night and we came to an agreement we’d have sex on Wednesdays so let’s get it over with.”
I think Cunning also hit the target with,
In a way its often because someone DOES love a partner that they dont leave but end up cheating. When someone doesnt have feelings for a partner they ARE more likely to just up sticks and sod off when they are at the bottom of their partners list of priorities for a prolonged period of time……”
What I’d like to add is I believe one of the reasons that happens is people use the wrong criteria when seeking a partner. Today, we see lists. It’s not just ones attraction or chemistry to a person that determines romantic relationships. Now it involves a person’s activities. What are their political views? What job do they have?
All those things are taken into consideration which means less emphasis is put on the man/woman connection or the chemistry. Right away those folks have placed sexual attraction, that indefinable chemistry “thing”, somewhere on a list. It’s shared with other things. Right from the get-go it’s not the most important thing so why would sex with someone else be so important if sex, itself, is not so important?
That, IMO, is why affairs happen. We, as a society, have downgraded the importance of sexual attraction when choosing a mate. We have downgraded the importance of sex, in and to a relationship, and we are paying the price.
Can we trust the person again? If the sexual attraction is there, yes. If one realizes the importance of sex, yes. If one considers sex is not all that important then, no.
So, where do these opinions come from? They come from someone being in a relationship for the last 11 years who, when asked what was expected from a relationship, immediately answered, "Sex!"
Sex is the priority. Some call it attraction. Others prefer the word chemistry. What ever one chooses I never wish on anyone the hurt they will experience should they not put it first. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 2/21/2008 8:31:31 PM | | If you cheat then you should die - simple as.....bit harsh, but having been on the receiving end of it, it is truly an unforgivable crime and deserving of the wrath of god......yeah. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 2/21/2008 9:21:18 PM | OP, yes you can trust someone after they cheat. HOWEVER, only if the both of you have open, honest communication and you BOTH are vested in the relationship and wanting to make it work. Also, the cheating party has to understand the trust will not simply be given back as if nothing happened and it must be EARNED. The 'cheater' must be willing to be an open book and divulge everything whenever asked without resentment or anger. The cheater has no right to be angry when the other party asks 'where were you' on ocassion...unless of course the other party takes it the extreme and is simply unable to let go. If BOTH parties are sincere in wanting to make things work I would suggest both couples counseling and individual counseling for each person to get out their feelings without the other party around.
Now, Dave1234. I would like to respectfully disagree with your point of view. As mature adults we should be able to agree to disagree. I don't believe that sex should be the basis, or the main priority for a relationship. I do agree it is important, however it is not the end all be all that drives a relationship. I mean think about it Dave1234...If you were to have absolutely phenomonal sex with your partner but had no other common interests, were unable to have a conversation, and outside of the bedroom you just sat like strangers next to each other on the couch, what kind of life would that be? Short lived I would suspect. Therefore, although I believe there is some credence in your point of view in that yes CHEMISTRY is important...it is NOT the end all be all to relationships.
Dave1234 you also mentioned something about couples struggling to talk it out and how direct can they be. Well I would hope if they were in a relationship they would be very candid down to what turns them on, to what toy they want to use, to what their fantasy's are, to how they love it when their partner does xyz... When I've had sexual issues in past relationships I've broached the conversation like this "Honey, it seems our sex life has been less frequent lately and a bit stale. Is something going on with you or are you wanting to try something that you haven't yet talked to me about? I've been thinking about introducing some new toys into our playtime what do you think?"
If you can't talk openly like that with your partner then the two of you either shouldn't be together, or have a lot of work to do.
In my opinion, the priority in a relationship really absolutely without a doubt has to be OPEN, HONEST, CANDID COMMUNICATION...about ANY topic.
I bet if research was done as to why people are unfaithful (and maybe it has been done and I'm unaware) you'll find the driving reasons have NOTHING to do with SEX at all. I would assume it has to do with communication, similar interests, feeling needed and appreciated, and a small percentage is probably sex and the risk of getting caught. Just my thoughts.
So end of the day...TALK to each other about EVERYTHING. Don't ass-ume anything. Don't ass-ume your partner knows what your thinking. Ladies if something is bugging you and your partner asks what's wrong, don't say 'I'm fine' if your not...TELL THEM what's on your mind. I suspect if more people did THIS then the divorce rate would be lower, and there would be less of us out here in the pond looking for each other.
Good luck to everyone in finding their 'other half' communication, love, laughter, SEX, SEX, SEX, and all!!! | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 2/22/2008 10:39:24 AM |
Okay, guys, listen up! Some chick named Mrs. Bobbitt in some midwestern state had the right idea.
Lorena Bobbit lived in Virginia. Most states with ocean coastlines aren't considered midwestern. Lorena bobbed it after he RAPED her, and was so acquitted, on that basis.
Cheating. Perhaps one or two percent of the time, and after counseling. . . . I admit to *helping* my cheater cheat on his next two wives. But I was single. Don't think I'd bother again, even if he did "belong" to me first.
I think forgiving is good; it lets you get one with your life. Taking them back? Trusting them? I think your time is better spent doing more fun things. . . .
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 2/22/2008 10:59:34 AM |
Some chick named Mrs. Bobbitt in some midwestern state had the right idea. It's intriguing to me that those who take glee at maiming and mutilation have a tough time putting themselves in the place of another: How would it feel if a woman like Morena Bobbitt did the same thing to your sons? Wouldn't it be fair if, say, Mr. Bobbitt had been the pure one and cut off Morena's tits while she slept because he suspected her of infidelity? Oh, sorry...the weasel word is "cheating," my bad. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 2/22/2008 6:40:19 PM |
(Msg 686) Now, Dave1234. I would like to respectfully disagree with your point of view. As mature adults we should be able to agree to disagree. I don't believe that sex should be the basis, or the main priority for a relationship.................If you were to have absolutely phenomonal sex with your partner but had no other common interests, were unable to have a conversation, and outside of the bedroom you just sat like strangers next to each other on the couch, what kind of life would that be?
But it's not like that when two people regularly engage in sex. When couples first meet and become intimate they don't just sit on the couch when not having sex. If anything, they are very active. They feel alive! Then the sex slowly decreases and that's when couples grow apart.
It's like exercise, in a sense. If a person has a regular exercise program they stay in shape. Most times they enjoy the exercise. Occasionally, they will not want to exercise. If those times become too frequent they will start to get out of shape which will result in the desire to exercise lessening which results in them becoming more unfit.
Sex is the bonding agent. If nothing else it's time spent together and that is the big thing today with people's busy lifestyles. It's not just the actual sex act. It's the whole scenario that goes with it.
As the sex decreases the time spent together decreases. Other activities fill their lives and then one has an affair. Like exercise it's easy to just let it slide until one day we wondered what happened.
Frequent sex encourages couples to spend one-on-one time. The biggest mistake or misconception is believing sex should only happen when things are going great or when the urge arises.
Again, like exercise, what would happen if we only exercised when we were all gung-ho to exercise? Most of the time we look forward to it but there are times when we aren't all that excited about it but enjoy it once we start and there are occasions when we weren't in the mood and didn't really enjoy it but were happy we did it anyway.
Dave1234 you also mentioned something about couples struggling to talk it out and how direct can they be. Well I would hope if they were in a relationship they would be very candid down to what turns them on, to what toy they want to use, to what their fantasy's are, to how they love it when their partner does xyz...
I agree but according to what I've read and heard one partner will raise the subject and the other has a ready made excuse. Too tired." "I have a headache." "The kids were a handful." "A busy day at work."
Cunning Linguist listed many reasons. One fills their life with other activities so it's not a matter of simply addressing one issue. In the end the partner just gives up. In many cases, according to what I understand, the partner accepts the situation and deals with it until one day someone comes along and the passion is ignited and that's the danger. One person becomes too busy, their partner accepts it and possibly even understands, however, one day they cross paths with another human being and the thing that was missing hits them.
From articles and interviews that was the common path to an affair. One seldom sought an affair which is why people say, "it just happened". It was like an awakening, for lack of a better term. That's why sex is so important. One may not fully realize the slow decline or be aware of what they're missing until one day.......... | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 2/22/2008 6:54:57 PM | | No...You cannot trust someone once they cheat. If you choose to take them back be prepered to catch a disease. It happened to a friend of mine.. she took him back and now has HIV...So, if you want to play russian roulette...go right ahead. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 2/23/2008 11:46:15 PM | | What do you mean by cheat?,one off one night stand when had a few drinks or the lying & deceit that go`s with an affair. I can understand a sexual encounter with someone you met & lust just took over.I dont understand when in normal life you go out of your way to deceive you partner. I beleive sex & love are two completely different things & dont think sex is cheating.We live once & sex is a beautiful thing & different with different people,making love is something tottaly different again. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 2/24/2008 3:42:29 AM | If it's chronic cheating, then, no. You have to accept that you cannot trust your partner in that area and make a decision based on that. Forgive and live with it, or forgive and let go.
If its once, it would take hard work on the part of both partners, one to completely forgive, and the other to earn back trust. I would be able to trust someone again in this case. Although I couldn't fathom ever cheating on someone myself, we all have different weaknesses, so I think we all deserve a chance at righting a wrong. We all screw up in one way or another. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 2/24/2008 4:35:39 AM | Two things amaze me about reading this thread. One is that for years I have heard women state that sex is not everything. Or sex is over rated. Now I read this thread and it turns out that women think sex is everything. If sex was not everything then cheating would be no big deal.
The second thing is how viloent women can become over sex. The one thing that sticks into my mind is the comment reffering to Mrs. Bobbit. When she did the act I just could not believe how many women where supporting her. Mrs. Bobbit did a horrible act but was praised by women. The other thing that surprises me is that Mrs. Bobbit is still alive. What I mean is that if a man in Hamilton would kill another on a bet of $10 000 why did Mr. Bobbit just hire someone to kill Mrs. Bobbit or kill her himself. That one still puzzles me.
Just my two cents on the topic. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 2/24/2008 5:42:13 AM | No you cant
once someone breaks your trust you cannot retrieve it..
Everything comfortable does not exist
better to walk away then have those meaningless arguments
about what the other is doing! | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 2/24/2008 7:21:26 AM | | So, you're in a relationship and ohhh, got drunk, got caught in the moment and had sex. You think your partner is suppose to forgive you? Yaaa right!!! Be honest. In the back of your mind wouldn't you be thinking will he/she do this again? How can you really trust again?I know I couldn't. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 2/24/2008 7:35:01 AM | | Once it happens it will happen again. Obviously someone is not happy with the person, the circumstances, or the sex, or a combination of things. It's like when a guy hits his wife or girlfriend. As much remorse as he says he feels you accepting it validates that it is OK for him to do it again. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 2/24/2008 8:18:19 AM | As from the words of my EX-boyfriend. You can forgive but you can't forget. It takes the cheater to repent and figure out why and what reasons they cheated. If the logic behind it was reasonably understood and both people figure out how to prevent reoccurence than they can proceed to heal. But both parties have to be willing to allow healing minus the anger and resentment aside, help might be needed. If you forgive and won't let the past behind. Have constant triggers where you go beserk and rehash the past over-and-over again than it won't work. Because how much abuse will the cheater be able to endure? It may make them question or find reason to why they cheated in the first place. Which takes you back to the CHEATing. If cheating exists, maybe there was no trust to begin with? Who would want to lose something they thought so good. That is, if they thought they had something SO GOOD to begin with.  | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 2/24/2008 10:57:32 AM | "For Eternity", here's my 2c
First of all, in regards to cheating and sex being "not everything"...
Cheating is bad regardless of sex occurs or not. The seriousness is reflected by how "serious" a particular level of intimacy is involved, but whether you're just getting naked, cheating online, or having sex, the fact is that you've betrayed the trust of a relationship. Most people consider sex a fairly serious part of a relationship, so that makes the offense that much more for then, but the risks are also higher as well. You can't give your partner a disease, or get another person (or yourself) pregnant by hitting on other people or even kissing, but you can through sex. It just adds to the whole scenario by saying "I'm not only willing to risk myself, but you as well".
But as to the issue of women and "Sex not being everything," that's an entirely different topic, and one I'd have to agree on. In many cases, the biggest change upon a relationship seems to be caused by sex. Women - or guys - may "say" they don't want it, but what they really mean is that they want the relationship to be about more than sex, and to build the other areas first. I tend to agree with that whole concept, as sex becomes a huge complication. And the fact is, women do change after sex.
At least it's my experience...
For all that guys have been blamed for it, I've met more women who, after claiming that they want love and cuddles, really do seem to push the sexual frontiers. They may be very reserved to start, but once you start having sex, it's like an avalanche. Suddenly, a cuddle has to become sex. A kiss often leads to sex. All those nice intimate moments you had are replaced, by sex, and generally more of an animalistic than intimate variety. It's true that guys tend to be more interested in sex to start with, at least if most of my friends are typical examples, but it's not a one-sided street. There are definitely guys who are "users" and will pretty much go for the relationship just to get laid (and then break up and look for the next piece of nooky), but there are plenty of women who are wield sex like a weapon. Most guys might not admit it, but we are concerned about our performance, etc, and women are pretty good at cutting into you if you don't do what they want, when they want.
So maybe it's just me, or maybe I date the wrong type of women. But while sex isn't "everything", it's definitely a lot bigger (or becomes a lot bigger) than most women make it out to be. Hey, I'm a guy, and I'm willing to admit that I've had sex, and I like sex. But I'm also honest enough to admit that sex is rather frightening in terms or what can go wrong, and that it's really a good idea to solidify your relationship and learn about your parter before you jump into bed unprepared. Most people - men and women - think about sex in terms of what they want, they don't think about it in terms of the consequences - aka what they don't want - for their lives or relationships. | |
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