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Nergal
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Joined: 4/29/2007
Msg: 728 | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 3/4/2008 7:55:40 AM | Well, I did give the ex a second chance for variety of reasons but my mind did not rest. Second time round only tool / gadget has changed and I kept pace with this "novelty" and yes, caught him by his own device.
Did I feel victorious?  and lesson has been learned for good. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 3/4/2008 7:58:06 AM | | I forgave because I , like you, think everyone deserves a 2nd chance. People make mistakes and he was sooooo sorry. Fast forward 2 years to today- I have the joy of telling everyone the wedding is cancelled because he got cold feet and moved out a month ago. I think when a person a cheats, it really does mean they do not love you. I don't think I could forgive again. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 3/4/2008 8:38:19 AM | I thought it was possible to forgive cheaters hoping that they will change. At first you think maybe they are being immature or stupid, but then you realize that no matter how many chances you give them, they are liers and total hypocrits.  | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 3/4/2008 9:54:18 AM | | Honestly, I think you can, but you have to get to the root cause, and make sure it is not insurmountable. Just because I think you can, does not mean I think you should. It has been my experience, that once a person does it once, they will do it again. I believe there are exceptions to every rule... but I won't ever hold out the one I am with, may be the exception. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 3/4/2008 10:46:02 AM | i don't have at my fingertips, but i have to tell you when i was confronted with a "cheater" that the CHEATING STATS were very high (that was over 30 years ago, so you can imagine now!). therefore young ones, be prepared.
of course, nobody wants this to happen to them ever, ever, ever. but, it does. so, all i can say is that if there is a slight chance to save a marriage, go to therapy for one of two reasons:
1) maybe it can be worked through over time and you will see the person work hard to make amends, and/or
2) get insight into the behavior that led to this situation, so that it does not happen again. specifically see your own role in what happened, even if it was that you were in total "denial".
too many people are led by their chemical attractions and then drape all sorts of pie in the sky "illusions" around their marriages. i must remind you that we have hard core chemical things going inside our genetic codes and neurological wiring which facilitates our first attracting a mate to "reproduce" , and then to bond for a while to rear our "young". we are part of the animal kingdom. so, this is how nature precedes cognition. but then the chemicals stop squirting and you are maybe 5-10 years into a marriage. that is where the true work is needed and a foundation has to be laid all along in the relationship that gives us "other reasons" for keeping the partnership going such as nurturing, security and friendship.
we all need to take the time and make the effort to keep our relationships going. that means each partner understanding what makes the opposite sex tick as well as the individual in question. it also means that not everyone is a candidate for a true partnership and so if they cheat early on, then by all means MOVE ON.
let me give you some hard core examples. a CHILD DIES, you are laid off from work or have dire unanticipated money problems. "i" would think that this is where people come together. WRONG. certain personality types withdraw in these times. they become frozen and either feel inadequate or absolutely panic. their brains become fried and they are no longer the person that you, or even they, think that they are. this is often when people cheat, sad to say. the withdrawn one may meet someone to cheer him/her up at work. the "abandoned" one may finally seek someone else for comfort. there is no logical explanation. sometimes people start drinking or addicting to something else such as porn.
i am not saying that this is the same as with screw arounds or narcissists like i encountered with my first husband. but there are different situations and we will not be meeting the ones who suceeded on pof, as much as we will encounter the ones who failed or were failed. as i write this i am thinking of one of my good friends who actually had to leave her husband after he went bankrupt, sunk into deep depression and could not be consoled. he was in his late 40's and felt his world was coming to a close with the fall of the dot com industry. before he was making a "large" six figure income. she dutifully downsized their belongings and moved them into an apartment and did not complain. up until that point, he had always been there for her more than most husbands. he was in fact, used to being "the provider" . he started doing drugs and she found him with some of the most horrible stuff on his computer that almost made her reel. they both had a deep love before and are both dedicated to their child, so it was at that point that she left him.
two years later and they were back together again, where the work had to first begin. he fell apart and then dealt with it after she left him. he made amends. he found a "lesser" position and his son joined him in the new found line of work (all three going to college at night). they moved to another area after about five years of healing since the onset . it took about three for her to even let him near her. they found a nice house to rent, that they could afford. they are older and wiser and walk along the beach, holding hands together. they both know what they almost lost. for them, it was worth the "work". but the fact is that they had gained "the wisdom to know the difference". that is where, unless very obvious, it is important to seek professional help. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 3/4/2008 11:00:38 AM | Sometimes. Only if the one who cheated actually learned the first time around. Very few do. However, I have seen it done before.
If it happens m0re than once then I say run the other way and don't look back.
In this day and age of technology there is no excuse not to find out if you suspect. It's really not that hard. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 3/4/2008 11:05:48 AM | no, cheating is not in my books, never done it, can't accept sum1 who does it!
some women say that they close their eyes on it, I don't understand how I could do that once I know about it. I won't go looking for it, but if I know for sure, it's time to pack the bags. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 3/4/2008 12:12:58 PM | | I forgave and forgave for 16 yrs through 4 different women and for the record he always Blamed me for the reasons he did it. It is now that i have no self esteem feel like sh** all the time and question my own sanity. THEY ARE THE ONES WITH THE PROBLEMS OF INSECURITY AND SELF HATE but in the end they always take it out on you. I will never ever trust a cheater again. They get off on the game. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 3/4/2008 1:01:01 PM | | i would find it hard if someone cheated and expected things to be back the way they were . i would forgive but forgetting is another matter entirely | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 3/4/2008 1:31:17 PM | | I really think most the time a lepard doesn't change his spots. My x husband cheated on me and i forgave him not once but twice then the 3rd time I left because I knew he would never change. I wish I would have left the first time because I watsed alot of time with someone (25 years) that I turned myself inside out and he didn't care.Right after I left he moved in with some woman he met in a bar and he cheats on her also so I know I made the right choice getting out of that relationship why keep putting yourself thru that. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 3/5/2008 2:02:22 PM | i truly think it depends. if it is a one time thing, perhaps, but if it is a pattern of behavior, then i would say most likely not. i think it also depends on how you find out. if the person makes this confession in the middle of therapy, and it happend in the past, well... that is differnt from walking in on your spouse and your best friend making it on the kitchen table... and then finding out that they have been doing this every afternoon for years...
big difference...
anyway... if you are in this situation be careful. get some help and make sure that you don't involve too many other people in the situation. it's really between the two of you not the two of you, your best friend, and his cousin, and the nieghbor down the street, and...your father in law, and uncle phyllis...and who knows else. you have to keep your own counsel about this...
lar | |
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gineva
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Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 746 | |
| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 3/5/2008 2:35:42 PM | I am having a very hard time with this subject. I have found my husband cheating on me over the last 3 years, 3 different women (that I know about anyway, just stumbled upon them), After 27 years of marriage, and dating 5 years before that...he was never this type. The lies, betrayals, deceptions, etc., and almost worse....So, that is why I am here...if you can't beat em, then join em...and I am about 10 years younger then these women, and about 100x better looking, as well as about 100 iq points smarter...so, go figure, as smart as I am, I can't...
best to you all... | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 3/5/2008 9:23:33 PM | Yes you can trust them.
You can trust that they cheated on you from the day they met you until the " first" time they were cought - and you can trust they are lying their arses of now and will cheat on you and anyone else silly enough to be Involved with them till the day they die. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 3/6/2008 4:34:35 AM | Nothing is ever so cut and dried.. "once a cheater, always a cheater." It simply has to be taken on an individual basis.
What is true statistically is it easier for someone to do the mental justifications around it to cheat again.
That said, I believe it is why they felt the need to cheat, if they are truly remorseful and IF you can openly get at the underlying issues. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 3/6/2008 2:21:11 PM | No. I'd never trust them again. Would I go running out of the house with my bag packed or would I try to blindly salvage the relationship - is more the bigger question. Depends. Depends on how much love I would still hold for them in my heart. How desparately I'd try to cling to that.
I'd probably try to tough it out for a bit - if I loved them deeply - but - it'd only be a matter of time before I woke up and came to my senses. Then it'd be all over but the cryin'. | |
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.Lisa
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Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 750 | |
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