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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/3/2008 7:29:23 AM | never ever ever ever trust a mate who has cheated. If they did it once they MAY do it again. If you know 100% that they did cheat do not ever give them another chance it will not work ever ever never ever no matter the weather never ever ever.......never.  | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/3/2008 8:50:02 AM | shazi wrote: I can't imagine that seeing parents in an unloving, messed up relationship would be best for the kids.
We have fore children and all of them will tell u that growing up in our home. Was the dream home. I did say that we never "dealt with" the reasons why, and the nature of the greener grass syndrome. And it bite us in the end.
In our case we were a very close family we happily did everything together. In our home there was often seen affection between us. What was not dealt with, was a spirit of, i couldn't ever quite match this elution of who this man was in her mind. She had ended this love affair in its infatuated state and froze him as perfect. I had not found out the truth about him, untill a few months ago.
This unsatisfied spirit went on unnoticed by our children but very much noticed by me and talked about in privet by us as a couple.
Our own experience with cheating screams loudly at us and it is hard to see it any other way. But i do believe that as it is in the final judgment every case will be decided according to what a person has been given with all of its circumstances. Everyone is different and who knows but that if i were u i would not do the same as u.
Shazi would you have rather i had given her up to this pedophile? And then where would my children be? My brother did this and divorced his wife she married a man whose brother defiled all fore of his kids.
Grace and understanding with objective reason. Is how i wish to be treated.
by the way i do agree with u that there is no good reason for cheating!!!
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/3/2008 10:08:54 AM | And yet you conveniently chose to not see/copy/paste
Well my main memorty of the entire occurence was seeing tears in the eyes of the woman I loved and knowing I'd put them there, even writing about that now 6 years on I'm fighting back the urge to blub like a baby and can feel exactly how I felt at that moment, a feeling that I will probably never forget infact
Odd that really considering it is saying what you claim was SOOOOO significant
Because even with your version the ONLY way that would be even the tiniest bit relevance is if the person who did it FELT bad about the feelings they'd caused in that person
And the feelings I was talking about were a direct result of how she felt, otherwise there wouldnt have been any feeling for me to not want to feel again would there?
So as much as I can see what you were trying to say I think the two dimensional way you chose to interpret what was written lends more to what your views are than the more open minded ones you claimed to hold if that makes sense
And at the end of the day we can ONLY truly know our own feelings, so it is them that psychologically anchors us to lessens learnt after all making them as relevant to us and reminders of the things that caused them which in this case was the realisation of the aftermath of my actions | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/3/2008 7:59:39 PM | litefoot wrote:
***** Shazi would you have rather i had given her up to this pedophile? And then where would my children be? My brother did this and divorced his wife she married a man whose brother defiled all fore of his kids. *****
I guess I'm not understanding... if your wife was in love with this man, why did she ask you for forgiveness and stay with you? She must not have wanted him?
No, I would never want to hand my kids over to a pedophile, but you never really know do you? The nicest people you know could turn out to be one. So, maybe she wouldn't have ended up with him but with someone else and maybe his sickness wouldn't be as evident... well, there are a lot of what if's. You made your choice and if you were both happy, I am not one to make decisions for anyone else.
I just know that I would not take someone back. The trust would be gone. I can forgive it, but I would never risk my heart again on that person. I don't know in a case like yours. I don't think any of us knows unless we're faced with it.
Sharzi | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/3/2008 8:17:53 PM | Cunning,
Who are you responding to? I read your posts and you don't specify. I'm assuming you're talking to me.
You did say that you were sorry and hated that you put those tears in her eyes. I was generalizing when I said that I'd much rather someone say that they were beating themselves up for having hurt someone else instead of saying they themselves were hurting. Perhaps my wording wasn't quite what it should have been.
I do understand that years later you are still upset over what you'd done to her. That is rare. Most of the time the person who cheats is more concerned with what they lost or how they feel or what others think of them.
I was responding basically to your earlier posts about how the person who had been cheated on must not have been what they could have been to the cheater... thus creating the reason the cheater cheated. I disagree. We are all responsible for our own actions. We can't blame others for our own weaknesses or choices that eventually cause pain to others. I was married to a verbally, emotionally abusive man who didn't touch me for 9 1/2 years. But, I believed in my vows. I stayed, I dealt with and tried to fix the problems, I nurtured the relationship and changed myself and the way I reacted to the rages. Hard for someone outside of that relationship to understand how a person would stay that long, but I alone know the reasons. I never cheated, and I had plenty of reasons and opportunity to. I was lonely, unloved, and my weary heart could have certainly benefitted from the ego stroking a lover can bring. But I have some self control. I'm not a child who just made a "mistake" our "it just happened." I NEVER wanted to do anything that might bring shame to my children, my family, myself or hurt anyone else. Maybe a lot of it has to do with the standards you set for your own life.
Bottom line is, when I meet my maker, I don't have to answer for anyone else but me. But I sure won't take someone back who is too selfish to see that it wasn't all about him.... it should have been about "us."
There's a saying that fits very well here ... character is doing what's right when no one is looking.
Sharzi | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/3/2008 9:16:06 PM | she stayed with me because i think she new it was the right thing to do, she said she loved me too. lol...Plus i talked to the guy and told him to leave my family alone... lolim a really nice guy but my size can be a bit intimidating.
sharzi, i know the pain of being betrayed. i have most recently worked away from home for a yr building a house in Bellvue 4.5 hrs away at her wish. she said she wanted some space so i took a job as a project manager and drove home every wk end to see her and my kids. we always had a great love life and that continued till the job was over and she severed me with papers when i got homee.
oddly enough i was not as hurt about her cheating on me for that entire yr. as i was most hurt over the way in which she did it. she had planed it for a yr so she could have custody of the kids by saying that i abandoned them. then she emptied my bank account and maxed out my credit cards and all the lies to the judge. that made cheating seem to me like a walk in the park.
for the last yr i have been fighting to see have my kids because they want to live w/ me.. and believe me, it is hell... for the longest time i thought all women were evil... but since have meet some that did not screw there husbands in court..
anyway i do feel ur pain, and am sorry that happen to u, betrayal of any sort never leaves u the same... God bless.. and smile cuz u are the winner!!! | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/4/2008 9:41:47 PM | litefoot..
I'm so sorry for the way you were treated. I will never understand someone wanting to have what they want so badly it's at the expense of others.
I met my last boyfriend on POF and I fell very hard and fast for him. He told me 5 days into it that he was falling for me and was afraid it would scare me away. 12 days into it, he was in love with me and I was heaven sent. And, he not only told me but everyone and anyone who would listen. I tried to resist, but I couldn't. I think he could have been something very good in my life, and me in his. But, he was selfish... so he betrayed me even though I literally begged him never cheat on me. He knew it would hurt me. I'm a good person... wanted the best for him... would have given him the sun, moon and stars if it were possible. And I would have never hurt him... ever.
Could I forgive him? I thought I wouldn't, but bottom line is, I've already forgiven him. I was very angry and very bitter about what he'd done. But I can't be angry forever. I miss what we had, but he obviously didn't want a woman who would have loved him unconditionally.
So, right now I'm at a point where I don't really trust anyone. I was married a very long time... for the exact amount of years you were. I wasn't aware there were people out there who could hurt someone without even batting an eyelash. It's been a very rude awakening for me. And I'm not liking the view very much.
Is anyone faithful anymore? Does anyone say what they mean and do what they say? I'm sincerely hoping there is. I know I do.
Litefoot.... you seem like a very forgiving and caring person. I hope your future will bring you someone very deserving of you.
Sharzi | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/5/2008 2:05:38 AM | Sharzi (ooh and soz about not referencing the post earlier, there werent any more after yours when I started typing, and when I realised others were there someone had posted after and I couldnt update it lol)
Anyway, the scenario you paint is a common one. But also not a surprising one. People who can, claim, or think they have fallen in love so quickly rarely have for one and are most of the time still not totally over an previous relationship and subconciously hype up what they are having either to morally be able to allow themselves to rush to the intimate parts (usually women, coz "good girls dont fcuk" (unless they can pretend its love o course)) or because of self doubts and the fear it has to go from 0-love in 3.2 seconds or someone else will snap up their prey
Its also not really enough information to form any opinions of any validity on. Even when a dalliance is, or could be "all that" someone HAS to be ready and able to cope with that. Many people carry lingering doubts after a failed relationship that dont come to the surface till they meet someone else that either they dont want to lose or that they could see themselves getting SOOOO into that if they did lose them later on it would hurt more than anything before ever had
So people can become almost schitzophrenic, consciously they most definitely want the relationship to work, but subconciously if they are still having negative expectations because of too fresh and recent failures about ANY relationship and as much as they consciously try, subconciously they are trying as hard as they can to screw it up and not just mildly, but in a way that they could most probably never be able to undo and cheating is one of the common self destructive "outs"
This is because most people wont consider retrying after it
It also makes screwing it up easier to live with as a reason for failure because making a mistake is easier to handle than not making one, doing your absolute best, BUT, still not being enough for someone you really want to be with because that outcome is soul destroying and will decimate someones self image to the core
So its often a combination of them seeking to punish themselves or to find a less painful and permanent but "safe" way out as a means of damage limitation
ie, it will hurt much less now than in 6 months
As for not feeling anything, even that isnt known. Men are raised to believe we shouldnt have let alone show feelings because its girlie. Some control them till alone, some arent even aware they CAN feel as they have become so used to and adept at supressing them almost from the moment of inception
In situations like yours if caught early enough the only real way to see if it can work is to end it the moment its realied that such intensity so early on is insane and therefore most probably a sign that something isnt right, and most usually thats the timing for the people involved or their outlooks
So you back off, limit contact and force it to move forward more slowly and at a pace that doesnt feel scary allowing each level of feelings to have adequate time to be gotten used to without panic setting in which also helps with people trusting it could maybe possibly last so you get somewhere wortwhile in a much saner time frame and via a much saner path
But people want mills and boon, people want intense passion, and even people who KNOW its rarely what they try REALLY hard to pretend its going to be still seem to want to rush full speed ahead without any common sense, control, grounding or balance and then complain when it ever so ever so predictably shakes itself to bits
So personally I'd suggest just seeing it as a very memorable and intense experiene that really shouldnt have been allowed to build up so fast and recklessly and that was by virtue of its rapid intensity being love not lust being all the warning signs you needed that the timing wasnt right for either of you and try to learn THOSE lessons instead | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/5/2008 10:45:30 AM | Cunning....
On your last post.... "Anyway, the scenario you paint is a common one", I will agree completely! Did you ever hear that old song... "Killing me softly"? You just sang my tune in every way.
It does sadden me that something that starts out so good can end so quickly and badly. Makes me wonder if I should ever take a chance again.
Sharzi | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/5/2008 12:47:58 PM | Sharzi...that must explain this large stone moat I have built up around myself. I'd love to find the person that could tear it down, but makes me also wonder if I dare.
Robin | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/5/2008 1:13:20 PM | | I tried, stayed with my ex for six months after she told me of her 1 1/2 year affair, the trust was gone and I was always wondering where she was when one of us wasn't home. Felt like I had to be one of those controlling husbands who has their woman on a short leash, check on her every so often to make sure she's where she said she'd be. No thanks, don't want to live like that, trusted her completely before, gave her alot of rope and she hung herself, too bad. She'll never find another guy who trusts her that much. I'm alot happier now, her? Well, she's back to dating unhappy married guys. Again, no thanks. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/5/2008 1:38:06 PM | i was with the same man for 20+ yrs. and as far as i know, he never cheated on me until he was going through his mid-life crisis and fell in love with a co-worker. not only was he married to me, but she was also married. to make a long story short, he kept claiming he didn't know what to do?!? this went on for several months and my mind/heart couldn't take it anymore so i made up the decision for us both and filed for divorce. now in retrospect, i sometimes think i should have fought for him cuz once i became a divorced woman, things went downhill. i became involved with a man who gives love a bad name. after 5 yrs. of him sneaking around, lying, and cheating, i said "enough is enough". i still have feelings for him, but i choose not to live with that suspicious mind that made me feel like i was going crazy. once i gave him "the boot", he was with someone else within a few weeks. what does that say? oh well, i'm learning how to enjoy my own company and my friends/family. i do think people deserve a second chance, though. fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/5/2008 4:19:23 PM | You can absolutely trust them -- to cheat again.
Holly... ...couldn't have said it better! Without a doubt they WILL do it again...but NOT TO ME! | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/5/2008 4:26:02 PM | I think it might be possible OP. I think there would be some major repairs needed but if both people are committed to healing, I think it is possible.
Now how is a different question Yikes! I would say if the person who cheated really took responsibility, meaning sincerely apologizing as often as is necessary, coveyed to their partner an understanding of the hurt caused and committed to doing everything that was necessary to repair the relationship. ...way easier to not cheat now isn't it though :)..Cheers! | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/5/2008 4:48:20 PM | NO!!! NEVER!!!!.... my last partener of 3 and half years admitted to cheating on me... but only once he knew he had to of coure!! Then after all his whinning, crying and promises he did it again!! I had had my doubts about him before the first time and he used this as his excuse for what he had done, but as i've recently found out, he had been cheating on me throughout our relationship, long before he had any excuse!!
Can't agree that 'once a cheat, always a cheat' from my own experience, i have cheated in the past... but in no way see this as a good thing or something to be proud of, which is where i think the difference is in people, if they don't feel they have done anything wrong, or take any responsibilty for their actions they will always continue in the same way!! | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/5/2008 4:57:10 PM | | No, no, and no. Been there and done that, once a cheater always a cheater. Learned after the third time. How stupid was I to trust him again. Now, I will not put up with it, period. | |
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