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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/5/2008 5:07:36 PM | robitty wrote:
***** that must explain this large stone moat I have built up around myself. I'd love to find the person that could tear it down, but makes me also wonder if I dare *****
It's really very sad. I've probably spent my whole life wearing rose colored glasses... like a naive child who sees the world as this wondrous place.... living every day as if each thing I do, I'm doing for the very first time. Probably due to having had cancer when I was a young woman.
I want to believe in truth and love and selflessness. I say what I mean, I do what I say, and when I love it's with my whole heart. I just don't know how to do it any other way. And, when I love, I've entrusted my heart with someone who I believe will handle it with loving care. (Like I said... I can be naive). That hasn't been the case. Even if it's not working, being an adult and saying so is the best way I know to honor that gift of love someone has given you. Cheating on them not only cracks that heart, but shatters it. Putting it back together leaves it very fragile.
I believe each time it happens, it only makes it that much harder to repair it. We cement it together to hold it tight, but it becomes a wall eventually, and almost impossible to penetrate.
I don't want walls. I want to know there is one person out there who knows how to love back and will appreciate the gift I've given, as I would so appreciate what he's given me.
So, I'm still here, on POF (and other sites). Leary and weary. But there is still that woman inside of me who is proudly wearing her rose colored glasses and smiling at life... because she still feels hope. :)
Sharzi | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/5/2008 5:55:20 PM | I could trust someone who told me they "cheated" in their past.
I'd be less likely to trust someone who told me they have been repeatedly "cheated on" in their past. That implies, to me, a serious lack of judgement about chosing partners and/or a serious problem in BEING a good partner.
I also have serious doubts about the "betrayal" factor in SOME cases of infidelity. I grieve for those who actually loved their betrayors, and were wounded it. But in reality, in real life, the ONLY people I personally know who committed infidelity were people whose partners not only no longer LOVED them, but didn't even LIKE them, and made that perfectly clear, in a thousand different ways.
How is it remotely a "heartbreak" when someone you already despise to seeks pleasure or solace in someone who likes them? It's not. It's just loss of "face," in many cases, for the true "rejector" in the relationship. In my opinion. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/5/2008 6:34:18 PM | I have been down this path with the same person much too many times to mention.
He cheated and swore he would never do it again. That was a few times ago (and with the same person).
I don't believe you can trust them ever again. You can try and forgive them but don't trust them.
If they roamed once, what is to prevent them from doing it again and again and again?
Trust and honesty are virtues that are of utmost importance.
Don't ever trust a cheater! | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/5/2008 6:42:58 PM | I dont think so no. If they didnt love you enough to be faithful the first time round why would they then love you knowing they can disrespect you and get away with it?
no no no, once a cheater always a cheater, so no not a chance in hell i'd stay with them, but i wouldnt be all bitter about it afterwards, i'd think "their loss" and wish them well on their way. :) | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/5/2008 6:48:41 PM | I found out my boyfriend cheated on me by reading an msn converstation that saved on the computer, where he told the woman he couldnt wait to make love to her again, when i confronted him he denied it ever happened.. but i decided to give him another chance, he goes on this site and flirts with women, adding them to his msn, and sometimes his cellphone, and tells me he does it as entertainment, to see how far/desperate they are...
honestly, it bothers me, but i love him so i deal with it.. not sure if i should, but i do..
I wish he'd stop coz i often wonder..so when is he gonna do it again while im at work? | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/5/2008 7:01:58 PM | babygirl, I don't mean to be unkind, but perhaps he does this to YOU in the same way he does it to them...
to see how far/desperate they are...
He has denied what he is doing. All you are proving to him is how far he can go, exactly how much he can get away with and how very desperate YOU are.
There is NO question in my mind that you should NOT deal with it for another :30 seconds of your life.
When is he gonna do it again when you're at work? Soon babygirl, very soon.
Time to grow up and move on... this is not healthy or loving for you. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/5/2008 7:28:53 PM | | I really get tired of hearing that we get cheated on because we didn't fulfill some need or were inadequate in some way. Marriage and/or relationships are based on hard work, give and take, love and trust. The cheater CHEATS because he or she wanted to, we didn't drive them to it because they were so unhappy. Maybe if they had worked on their marriage or relationship as hard as they worked on cheating, things would of been different. Don't blame me because he cheated. He cheated because it was his choice, never did I hear of anyone cheating because a gun was held to their head. Saying it is the significant others fault is like saying I ran a red light and hit you because you were in my way...stupid, no logic, rediculous. People who have been cheated on are hurt and/or healing, laying blame where it doesnt belong only wears them down more, destroys the self esteem they have left. I saw the devastation first hand cheating causes. I wish people would stop trying to make excuses for cheaters, they are what they are and they had other options if they weren't happy, destroying the ones they claim to love and their children and families...no, don't make excuses for that. There simply isnt any. Did it occur to people that perhaps they cheat because it is a flaw that they have? Cheaters need to stand up, accept responsibility for what they did and leave it there, at their own feet. If you did it...own it. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/6/2008 2:39:55 AM | | If they cheat that means that they lied..if they're going to lie to you about that what else are they lying about? If you are in full awareness and are agreeable to them being with other people then they are not cheating therefore yes you can because there was no deceit. Trust is something that is earned through time, patience and mutual respect. I'd be all up for an open sexual relationship later on in a well established relationship, in my own right now no not at all..so if he were to be with someone else before I was consenting and he knew I wasn't consenting to the act..that is a violation of my trust and no I don't think I could trust him again..that I think would be then end of us as we know it. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:20:51 AM |
(Msg 855) I also have serious doubts about the "betrayal" factor in SOME cases of infidelity. I grieve for those who actually loved their betrayors, and were wounded it. But in reality, in real life, the ONLY people I personally know who committed infidelity were people whose partners not only no longer LOVED them, but didn't even LIKE them, and made that perfectly clear, in a thousand different ways.
How is it remotely a "heartbreak" when someone you already despise to seeks pleasure or solace in someone who likes them? It's not. It's just loss of "face," in many cases, for the true "rejector" in the relationship.
Hear! Hear!
As I mentioned in another thread about talking to ones partner about the lack of sex surely after one has been in a relationship for years they know if sex is lacking. If they don't know their partner's "signals" then they're as dense as a brick.  If they do know there partner's "signals" and ignore them what do they expect will happen?
Love your posts, Dawn. There's nothing like logic and common sense. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:19:32 AM | robitty wrote:
***** If you did it...own it. *****
I wholeheartedly agree!! It kills me how a cheater will blame the person who loved them. To me there are two choices.... either you love someone enough to honor them, or you don't. If you don't... cheating is not the answer. Get out of the relationship. If you do love them, stay and do the right thing... work at it.
A few posts before this one, someone said that she didn't understand the "heartbreak" if someone cheats on a sig other and that sig other doesn't even like them or love them anymore. So even if that were the case, why not leave the person who doesn't love you or care about you? Why stay, cheat on that person, then risk your kids, your family, your friend, or your town finding out?
I don't care what anyone says, cheating is a weakness in someone's makeup.... someone who is selfish and really doesn't care about anyone but themselves and what they want.
I know that I have zero respect for my father who cheated on my mother. My siblings feel the same. My mother is the nicest, kindest, most giving woman I know and she never deserved that. Everyone views him as a cheater even though many, many years later, he's not like that anymore. But he might as well be wearing a huge red "A" on his chest because everyone still thinks of him as an adulterer... especially those who have had the pleasure of knowing my mother.
My ex boyfriend cheated on his wife, on me, and who knows how many others. He has a reputation all over his town and the next for being a cheater. He has a 3 year old daughter and someday she might find out what her father did. I wonder what she'll think of him.
I have a phrase that hangs on my refrigerator and it says...
"What you risk, reveals what you value."
A cheater values only himself.
Sharzi | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:26:09 AM | Dave1234 wrote:
***** As I mentioned in another thread about talking to ones partner about the lack of sex surely after one has been in a relationship for years they know if sex is lacking. If they don't know their partner's "signals" then they're as dense as a brick. If they do know there partner's "signals" and ignore them what do they expect will happen?
Love your posts, Dawn. There's nothing like logic and common sense. *****
Okay, lack of sex in a relationship for years and you're still there? You'd choose to cheat rather than just leave a bad relationship? Sounds like someone is dense, but not the person who was cheated on.
What I would expect to happen? That the person I had given my love and trust to... even if there were problems in the relationship, would do the right thing. Shows a total lack of any character at all to cheat. Condoning it and laughing about it.... just as bad.
Sharzi | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:32:38 AM | Sharzi
Okay, lack of sex in a relationship for years and you're still there? You'd choose to cheat rather than just leave a bad relationship? Sounds like someone is dense, but not the person who was cheated on.
If they are both in a loveless relationship, both are responsible for it. The "innocent" party is equally dense here because they are still there, aren't they? Oh, I am not condoning a decision to cheat... simply acknowledging that two create and tolerate their joy and their misery together. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:35:12 AM | | You have a snake - take it for what's it's worth. Cheating on someone is a character flaw and a person doesn't change his / her character. My advise is to run like you've never run before and don't look back. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/6/2008 10:40:37 AM | ItsMargo wrote:
***** If they are both in a loveless relationship, both are responsible for it. The "innocent" party is equally dense here because they are still there, aren't they? Oh, I am not condoning a decision to cheat... simply acknowledging that two create and tolerate their joy and their misery together *****
I completely agree that in that situation, there is misery, but I wouldn't use that as an excuse why someone would cheat. If you're unhappy... so unhappy that you have to seek out someone else to fulfil your sexual desires... then why not leave that miserable relationship and then go your merry way looking for someone to satisfy your needs? Seems to me the cheater doesn't want to give up his home, his money, his life the way it is, and wants the proverbial "cake and eat it too."
I agree that a relationship doesn't fall apart unless both parties are lacking something, unhappy with their partner, or it's gotten stale, etc. Still, I've been there... for many years my husband didn't touch me. That would not have given me an excuse to cheat. I never wanted to do anything that would bring shame to me or my family. I was thinking of others... not myself. That doesn't hold true for a cheater.
Sharzi | |
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kgrl08
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Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 867 | |
| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/6/2008 3:53:29 PM | I could never go back with my ex,he was cheatin on me while my mom was dyin of cancer,I was in Indiana,and came home to find him with another! Wow,no way,he history! | |
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Älska
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Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 868 | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/6/2008 4:25:20 PM | "Okay, lack of sex in a relationship for years and you're still there? You'd choose to cheat rather than just leave a bad relationship? Sounds like someone is dense, but not the person who was cheated on. "
Erm, but just a little bit back you said if you love them stay and work it out
So what if the person still wanting sex does love them?
If their partner wont budge they ARE working it out
But once again, its a long list of betrayals in many areas that usually leads a relationship to the place one person does cheat
Trying to ignore that and view the cheating as tho its a totally separate entity is whats really dense
And if the victim thinks sooooo little of their partner even before they cheat that they do constantly bombard them with THEIR betrayals why are they so dense they dont leave?
Why dont the people who were such crappy partners their relationship became sooooo bad their partner cheated "own" that? Seems all they want to do is totally ignore anything before the cheating and just witter and whine on about that lol
And people who have been cheated on several times? Well lordy me how bad a partner must THEY be if they drive so many people to feeling the need to cheat on them?
And re the "if they cheat they will do it again"
At least cheaters will often own what they did, feel bad about it, regret it etc
But crap selfish partners they cheated on? Well most of them tend to be in denial and talk as tho they were perfect super duper partners dont they
So theyre far less likely to improve than a cheater is really
So if someone is a crappy partner and got cheated on, then you can pretty much be certain they will be a crappy partner again really
Coz you rarely see them even entertaining the thought they could possibly have been anything but perfect
Thing is tho, nobody cheats on perfection, imperfection however? Happens all the time........ | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:30:27 PM | Yikes babygirl,
Your statement:
honestly, it bothers me, but i love him so i deal with it.. not sure if i should, but i do..
My statement:
I was so in love with my fiance I couldn't see straight but to tolerate his cheating? No Way! Move on . . you are much too good to settle. When will it end? | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:48:27 PM |
(Msg 865) Okay, lack of sex in a relationship for years and you're still there? You'd choose to cheat rather than just leave a bad relationship? Sounds like someone is dense, but not the person who was cheated on.
Yes, I suppose a lot of cheaters are dense. They probably believed their partner when their partner said, “I love you but I’m tired tonight” or “I love you but the kids were a handful today” or "I love you but I can’t come to bed yet. I really have to finish this report ". They probably believed all those excuses, for years, until they realized nothing was going to change so they made the change. Maybe they believed their partner really did love them and sex just wasn't important to them.
What I would expect to happen? That the person I had given my love and trust to... even if there were problems in the relationship, would do the right thing.
But that’s just the point. In a romantic relationship one makes love to the person they claim to love. That’s the right thing to do. That’s why it’s referred to as “making love”.
Naturally there will be legitimate times when one just isn’t up to the challenge (so to say.) I’m referring to a continual lack of, or limited, sex. Not one night or a week or even a month (God forbid). I’m referring to “a length of time”.
(Msg 686) If you're unhappy... so unhappy that you have to seek out someone else to fulfil your sexual desires... then why not leave that miserable relationship and then go your merry way looking for someone to satisfy your needs?
Why? Because many cheaters love their partner and believe their partner loves them, at least according to articles and TV programs and people I have spoken with. In many cases sex is just the one thing that is missing/lacking. Other things are good, even very good.
There are threads on here (one relatively current) where women have said their husbands are good providers and they talk and laugh a lot together and he’s considerate but when it comes to sex he’s not interested. Men have said they love their wives but their wives have little interest in sex. The point is those relationships are not “miserable”, taken as a whole, but there is something missing. Where is the “honor” in throwing away such a relationship, breaking up a family, disrupting children’s lives, throwing the family into poverty when there is an alternative?
Seems to me the cheater doesn't want to give up his home, his money, his life the way it is, and wants the proverbial "cake and eat it too."
It seems like the one doing the refusing wants the proverbial "cake and eat it too." If they aren’t interested in their partner sexually what are they doing there?
I agree that a relationship doesn't fall apart unless both parties are lacking something, unhappy with their partner, or it's gotten stale, etc. Still, I've been there... for many years my husband didn't touch me. That would not have given me an excuse to cheat.
Why not? Do you not feel sexual intimacy is part of a romantic relationship? If one demands their partner only have sex with them is it not logical to conclude they have a responsibility to supply it? How can anyone justify a person demanding faithfulness when the person refuses to live up to their end of the “bargain”? If nothing else where is the sense of fair play?
If two older adults get together and a few years later one finds out things are not going well, no problem. Just leave. Their lives are not inexplicably intertwined. There’s probably no children involved. It’s a whole different scenario when couples have been together a long time. Ending a long term partnership is not the same thing. It should be a last resort. The very last thing one does.
But when all is said and done is doing ones best to sexually satisfy their partner such a big deal? Really? Considering all the things we do for our partner, from cooking and cleaning to providing a home and the dozens of other things, is sex such a burden? If fidelity is such a big deal and I believe it is wouldn't it naturally follow that sex is a big deal?
Why would anyone even take the remote chance it may happen due to a lack of sex at home? How many "No, I'm not in the mood"-s or "Im too tired"-s, or "I'm too busy"-s are fair trade for having to deal with an affair in the end? We all have to ask ourselves that question. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:59:49 PM | | NO and it doesn't matter if your married have children, and "investment in the relationship, if your relationship has problems and its lacking something, you have two choices work on fixing it, or leave . I could never trust again, and wouldn't waist my time trying, why should I invest that effort after someone hurt me that deeply, would rather invest my time in healing myself from the pain. Was in a non trusting relationship, it was self destructive, and I won't let anyone do that to me again, cause I deserve more, and my family deserves more. Like I said, fix whats wrong, or leave there is NO EXCUSE for cheating....NONE | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/6/2008 7:22:55 PM | Dave1234 wrote:
***** Why? Because many cheaters love their partner and believe their partner loves them, at least according to articles and TV programs and people I have spoken with. In many cases sex is just the one thing that is missing/lacking. Other things are good, even very good. *****
So you love that person but have the most intimate thing two people can do together, you're doing with someone else? That's not love. When you love someone, you honor them. You respect them. You don't lie and plot, disrespect and cheat on them. Imagine if that person found out... does she really deserve that kind of hurt and pain if you truly love her?
***** There are threads on here (one relatively current) where women have said their husbands are good providers and they talk and laugh a lot together and he’s considerate but when it comes to sex he’s not interested. Men have said they love their wives but their wives have little interest in sex. The point is those relationships are not “miserable”, taken as a whole, but there is something missing. Where is the “honor” in throwing away such a relationship, breaking up a family, disrupting children’s lives, throwing the family into poverty when there is an alternative? *****
Still not an excuse to cheat. Work out the problem, go for counseling, find out what is causing this person not to want to have sex with you and try to change the things that are getting in the way. A spouse not wanting sex is usually not because they don't like sex. There is usually something else going on.
***** But when all is said and done is doing ones best to sexually satisfy their partner such a big deal? Really? Considering all the things we do for our partner, from cooking and cleaning to providing a home and the dozens of other things, is sex such a burden? If fidelity is such a big deal and I believe it is wouldn't it naturally follow that sex is a big deal? *****
Sex should never be a burden... it should be an intragel part of any loving relationship. But if one partner is not interested in sex, chances are it has nothing whatsoever to do with the sex. It has to do with other problems that exist that are keeping them from feeling an intimacy toward their partner.
What you bring up is common in a lot of relationships because of pride. One person is too proud to go for counseling or say they are having a problem with something the other is doing or not doing. Still.... I do not agree with cheating, never will, and any excuse a cheater has will never be good enough for me. I believe in vows. I believe in promises.
Where is the honesty in your arguments? If one person won't have sex and the other has tried and tried, I think I'd be saying, "Honey, if we don't fix this problem, I hope I have your permission to get sex somewhere else because it's driving me crazy not to have that type of intimacy in my life."
Course most people would never say that.... they'd just cheat.
Sharzi | |
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