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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/11/2008 8:56:08 AM | | No not ever, I'd never forgive them no matter what stupid excuse they tried to use, There is no excuse for at all. I forgave my husband and wish I had got rid the first time he did it. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/11/2008 10:25:56 AM | Cheating is wrong, it’s stealing, it’s damaging to the whole family and has a lasting negative result even after the divorce, the trust issues are passed on to the next relationship, and even passed on to our children’s relationships.
Now all that said.
Cheating is also the evidence of a problem and then becomes the problem. There r many reasons people give for cheating and we have to acknowledge the reasons, good or bad, if we r to fix the problem.
As other have said there is NOT a justifiable reason for cheating not even if your spouse cheats. Have some self dignity. I have been cheated on and have cheated. It is destructive and wrong.
I think spouse neglect in whatever form works more as a set up. We might set our spouse up for a fall by neglect in many areas, and knowingly or unknowingly push them into a cheating direction. But this does NOT excuse the behavior any more then poverty excesses stealing. Nor does wanting to cheat, excuse separation or divorce.
In I Corinthians 7: Paul is giving counsel, "to not with hold yourself from your spouse." I have heard of people using sex as a way of punishing or rewarding there spouse. This is damaging and sets a precedence that is long lasting. I say leave those games alone or you might find that the finial trump card IS CHEATING.
Love making like other things within a marriage should always be a willing act from both sides. ....but if its not!! Dam it back off!! !!!!! Or the next time they r approached they will want it less then before. Give each other space let her fall asleep while u rub her back and next time u will get more loving then u ever imagined. Ladies after working all day, let your man sit in his chair and zone for a half hour before climbing up into his lap... entice him
If we are going to quote from Paul... lets read a little further to 1cor. ch 13 Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, and it is not inflated,
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It is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, and it does not brood over injury,
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It does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.
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It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.
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4 Love never fails..
then later he says; men love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.... | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/11/2008 11:59:20 AM | | i think it depends on the person. some people can truly forgive. some people think they can forgive and they can't. i thought i could forgive the man i was with for 4 years who cheated, but looking back i dont think I ever did. after he cheated, i was constantly on the edge with him, being suspicious over a lot of things, so idk. i think if someone cheats on u, u have to think about whether or not u can truly ever trust or forgive that person, and if deep down in your heart u know the answer is no, then u should leave. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/11/2008 12:19:30 PM | Depends. My views tend to change on this subject as I meet new people and years go by. I'm becoming a more forgiving person --yay! But that goes up and down.
TRUST is a BIG thing. SERIOUSLY. I have had trust issues with people I am still dealing with. But first thing comes to mind is to say NO WAY. Cheating is a no-no and you deserve to be with someone who will not even consider it. Then I think back on past loves and know that I would have forgiven them if they had cheated. So last year I might have said NO way. This year I might say it's not adviseable, but it's do-able.
But even with a morphing perspective, my overall theory hasn't seemed to change since I was a teen.
If you are DATING a person and they knowingly & willingly cheat on you, you owe it to yourself to part ways BECAUSE as time goes by you will only fall deeper in love with them and why 'buy spoiled milk'? There is better out there.
If you are MARRIED to a person who knowingly & willingly cheats on you, then you should not run at the first sign of trouble. Since marriage is sacred and a vow to God, you should aim to try.
Of course you have to take into account, cases of drunkenness or whatever other reason besides SEEKING out someone to cheat (ie. 95% of craigslist ads lol). And then you have to figure in the circumstance as a whole.
HOW do you trust them? COMMUNICATE.
People cheat and when caught, they beg for forgiveness and make promises about never doing it again and the lovers that forgive them are so emotionally violated & obviously still in love that they will eventually believe the person. These cheaters make these promises in the moment because they do not want to lose you. They've slipped up and want you to forgive them. BUT the moment you let them get away with it with a slap on the wrist, they realize hey 'hell didn't freeze over', 'This thing is still going' and it sends the message that it's not THAT big of a deal, despite how emotional you are. Walk away from a cheater and let him/her sulk in misery for having lost you and see if he/she does it again. Give a cheater that frightening space or SOME kind of healthy consequences so that they know it is NOT acceptable.
The only way to REALLY deal with trusting a cheater is trusting that IF you give them another chance AND THEY BREAK that chance YOU WILL END IT. If you know that you love them too much and will negotiate with them again, then it will never work. You have to love & trust yourself enough to know that a second offense is not a slip up, it's taking a mile as opposed to an inch.
If you want to trust a cheater who cheats on YOU the first time, you have to communicate and set the standards higher. First and foremost you have to find out WHY they did it. Not like theres a good reason to cheat but if your partner is feeling neglected enough to cheat, he/she might be trying to find happiness-- and that might mean deserting you.
After you find out WHY they cheated, you have to PUT IT ALL on the table. If you are a person who has to know every detail, GET EVERY DETAIL. Deal with it. It'll make you sick to the stomach but ask questions, get all the information you can. NOTHING is off-limits. Even if it is a week-long debacle GET ALL OF YOUR QUESTIONS answered (and use them to your advantage of course). When you have gotten all of this information, swallowed your pride and decided that you still wish to continue the relationship-- BURY IT!! NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN-- not even when they are checking out that other person in front of you. Cheaters who are 'forgiven' but constantly reminded that they cheated at the drop of a hat are prone to cheat again. Some feel worthless and haven't forgiven themselves so are looking for another reason.
All in all, lay it on the table and bury it. Love yourself enough to prevent a second offense. Trust yourself enough to end it before a 3rd offense.
ANYTHING can be worked out with good old fashioned communication but it really depends on where you were BEFORE the cheating happened that will determine if you can make it through. If your relationship was falling apart and there was a lack of compromise/committment/respect, then tough luck. But if things were going well and there was a real & unbreakable bond in place already, there should be hope.
But this is mainly about cheaters who cheat and truly regret it. Because serial cheaters know the game too well and are skilled at lying so that's a whole different story altogether. In that case, ask the right questions BEFORE you get involved. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/11/2008 3:06:12 PM |
(Msg 898) Heaven save me from a partnership where someone feels I am OBLIGATED to do anything for him.
I agree. Especially a partnership where one is OBLIGATED to be faithful while their partner denies them sex.
(Msg 894) Dave, of all the things I've read of yours..this one left me speechless...sex is not an entitlement, in a marriage, particulalry...it is a shared experience based in love...and if there is real love..it can be worked out..
Besides the fact that all you are saying, once again, is that : YOUR needs take precendence...AND...though you think your So is punishing you by withholding sex, and that is bad/wrong...you don't think you punishing her by cheating is bad/wrong at all?
If my partner wishes to prevent me from having sex with her that is her choice, her right, but that's where it ends. It is neither her choice nor her right to tell me I am not going to have sex. Her decision not to have sex with me will lead to my decision to seek sex with someone else. Just as she has the right to fulfill her needs so do I. It's called being fair. If her having sex with me is such a burden she ought to be happy if I seek it elsewhere.
(Msg 896) You are still making excuses. If your partner denies you sex, why are you still in the relationship? Why not leave, then go find someone to have sex with? Why would you stay in that relationship and cheat?
For the same reason(s) a person stays in a relationship while denying their partner sex. Why would someone stay in a relationship if they didn't want to have sex with their partner?
From my understanding a lack of sex is not because two people are at each other's throat. They simply drift apart. One loses their sexual interest. They choose to be busy with other things and key word here is “choose”.
There are a multitude of reasons sex diminishes in a relationship. It does not mean there is a "war" going on. Besides, today, the popular belief is there are so many things more important than sex. Compatibility in “this” and “that” seems to be the thing people seek. So, if they are compatible in many things then why leave the relationship? If people believe, erroneously, that all those other things are more important than sex then why would one place undue importance on fidelity?
(Msg 899) Dave there are often reasons why sex is witheld..birth of a baby, illness, sick kids, parents living with you,….
I understand those reasons except the last one unless it’s a temporary arrangement. I’m referring to “a length of time”, months and months and months
Sex or love making is not an entitlement...
Then neither is fidelity. Who, in their right mind, would concede their right to have sex for the rest of their life because one specific person was not willing?
People in general aren't always turned on,…
That is where acknowledging the importance of sex in a relationship comes in. It is not “the icing on the cake” or some “added benefit”. I honestly can’t understand how one will cook dinner and clean the house and do their partner’s laundry and on and on but when it comes to sex it’s an “in the mood” thing.
How many people get up Saturday morning and say, “Yippee! I’m in the mood to clean the bathroom!” or rush home after a hard day at work and say, “I’m really hyped up about cooking dinner!” or cutting the lawn or weeding the garden or washing windows or any of the dozens of other things we do when in a relationship. Where does this “in the mood” idea come from? It’s like putting the same amount of importance on sex as one would when deciding if they’re “in the mood” for pizza or Chinese food? 
I think you are living in your own private idaho.
We’ve all had our past relationship experiences and my experience has been that once sex decreased the relationship inevitably crumbled. A relationship can be going along just great but slowly the sex will decrease. Sometimes it’s almost unperceivable until it’s too late.
That is why, when I met my current partner, I made a point of mentioning it. When she asked what I expected from a relationship I answered, “Sex!” We both laughed and she said she couldn’t see that being a problem but I responded I was referring to 5 or 10 years down the road.
Well, it’s been 11 years now and although there are many things that have kept us together I believe that sex is the primary one. We make time for it. If we’re busy all week and we have a quiet Sunday afternoon, then Sunday afternoon delight it is.
Why do people say that when sex happens the relationship moves to another level? Why do people say they want to wait for sex because they want to be sure of the other person? Why do people say and act as if sex is something special and then turn around, later in the relationship, and say and act as if it’s not special?
It seems to me some people deliberately mislead others by pretending sex means a lot to them but the reality is it just depends on nothing more than their mood. When one starts a relationship and the other person gives the great speech about how important sex is and what being sexually intimate means to them and that they have to have deep feelings for the other person and all the other carefully chosen reasons to postpone/deny sex at the beginning of a relationship……..what is their partner to think after the relationship gets underway and then the person stops having sex?
If sex was that special to the person, if sex was a way to show they loved a person, if sex meant everything they claimed it did when they first started a relationship, then what does not having sex mean?
I don't know why this is controversial? Is expecting sex when entering a romantic relationship something unusual, strange, bizarre, unheard of? | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/11/2008 3:33:14 PM | mr.amoree wrote:
******then again what do you define as cheating? lusting in your head and heart? a pucker kiss? a french kiss and fondling? BJ, intercourse? what? ******
Anything that you wouldn't openly admit to the person you're seeing, in my book would be cheating.
Talking to someone romantically... meeting them behind my back.... making plans to meet.... kissing....
It's a betrayal of the heart... and it doesn't have to be sex.
I trust that someone I gave my heart to would cherish it, and not break it.
Sharzi | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/11/2008 3:53:24 PM | but when it comes to sex it’s an “in the mood” thing.
Mostly when you are female and having sex requires that you feel loved and appreciated..not mistreated and treated like a piece of property. Sex is only important Dave, when I love someone, and they love me. If an SO is acting like I mean nothing to them other than a means to sex...I won't be "in the mood"..of course, to be fair...I never said that in that instance..I said exactly what my problem was...for all the good it did me.
If you can't address my emotional needs, or treat me lovingly, I'm not going to want to be intimate with you. And I'm not talking one or two instances, I'm talking persistent behavior. Sigh. I don't know how else to make you see that lots of woman just see it different than you do. It isn't about having the sex..it's about feeling loved and loving back, and honestly if it gets to the point that the sex stops, someone was ignoring the flags all along. That was THEIR choice...they could have fixed it..they chose not to. Instead, they choose to blame the other party, and be selfish and go get it elsewhere, thus proving that it isn't me they want..it's just the sex..and anyone will do. They aren't willing to get counseling, talk, fix what's wrong, or leave. They want it their way, or no way at all. That doesn't sound caring, loving or like a partnership to me. It sounds like a selfish person who puts their own needs ahead of everyone else's...and from a female point of view...it sounds more like a man who just wants sex..damn what it actually represents in a loving relationship...
I honestly can’t understand how one will cook dinner and clean the house and do their partner’s laundry and on and on but when it comes to sex it’s an “in the mood” thing.
Because household chores require no emotional investment, aren't personal, and are done because they HAVE to be done. The last thing I would want is to be in a position to have to have sex..huh? I don't know how else to say this....sex for many women is an emotional thing..their emotions have to be in line to enjoy it..period. We all know that isn't true for many men..evidently you are one. You can tilt at windmills all you want..bottom line...many women will never think like men, whether it's about sex or anything else..you just won't acknowledge that..your posts are littered with a primarily male point of view ( note I'm not saying everyone, so no one can accuse me of lumping us all together), that you keep thinking is the blueprint for all women, or all men for that matter. Either accept that is the way it is...or why do you care anyway...you're married and happy...who cares what the rest of the world thinks?
And don't you think this "issue" you have, which since you have admitted it many times, is a result of your last marriage...needs to either be put to rest, or dealt with more directly? Seems if you had closure on that marriage...this stuff wouldn't still be haunting you...JMHO
Cheating is wrong..no valid excuse...get out or fix it. Those are the only two honorable solutions.
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/11/2008 3:55:25 PM | i should not be the one to talk because i really dont even know what it is like to be without, because we had an unspoken way of doing things if she wanted it and i knew it i made that time special for her and visa-versa...the average we ever went without was 3 days. when i met my wife of 29 yrs we did not have sex of any sort untill we were married..
after marriage it got better and better every time was like the best... one wkend i came home and i was served with papers.... dave you can have good sex but that doesnt mean a dam thing it all can end.
she is a cheater | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/11/2008 4:07:41 PM | So what I'm understanding is, most or all of you would not trust the person that has cheated on YOU, ok that's fair. Now what about the next person you meet, they have cheated and just haven't told you yet with their ex partner, you think they will tell you, a big NO goes in that spot. So how can you possibly trust anyone !!!!
I can forgive, for myself ,not them. | |
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N*Love
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Joined: 2/22/2008
Msg: 911 | |
| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/11/2008 4:09:44 PM | No I can't trust someone if they cheat on me.
I noticed a lot of posts saying : oh come on fight for that love... forgive...
I'd like to say... that the moment he cheated on me... I lost ALL my love for him... would never ever considered making something work with someone whom i dont love no more.. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/11/2008 5:40:58 PM | 000firefighter wrote:
******** So how can you possibly trust anyone *********
You don't.... trust now has to be earned.... over time. I used to trust blindly until someone gave me reasons to not trust them. The problem with that was, I was truly trusting a stranger. Why? I don't know them, we have no history, I've taken his word for things and he's taken mine, and usually over time a player, liar, cheater will reveal himself/herself to you.
After my last boyfriend cheated on me when he swore to me he never would, I will be damned sure I don't trust until I have given the relationship a little time to know if that person is worthy of that trust or not.
Sharzi | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/11/2008 6:01:22 PM | dave1234 wrote:
***** I don't know why this is controversial? Is expecting sex when entering a romantic relationship something unusual, strange, bizarre, unheard of? *****
If I had sex at the beginning with every man I started to date, I'd be a slut. lol Sorry, but I am not out there spreading it around with every man I am starting to see. Sex, to me, is something special. Normally I would take my time to get to know that person first and build a level of trust before I'd go there.
Dave... if your SO stopped having sex with you, chances are it had nothing to do with sex. I can bet that long before that, she was probably trying to talk to you about how you treated her or maybe she wasn't getting enough attention (other than sex)... or maybe she felt like there were other problems that weren't being resolved. If you're feeling neglected or mistreated, disrespected, etc, intimacy is very difficult because you are opening yourself up completely to someone you are feeling isn't caring about your needs emotionally, so that person backs off physically.
When I asked why you didn't leave that relationship instead of cheating, you put it back on her. We are all accountable for our own actions. Yes, she withdrew sexually. You and her were feeling the effects. You and her should have tried to fix it. Instead, you brought another person into your union... and then you say your SO had it coming? I picture a little kid with his thumb on his nose, wiggling his fingers and saying "na na na na na na" to the other person. Adults should be able to find a much more effective way to problem solve.
No sex, try to work it out, nothing worked out - leave, then go find sex partners if that's what you're looking for.
Sharzi | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/11/2008 6:11:44 PM | | Cheating is a character flaw regardless of the situation....I would find that unacceptable & end the relationship....i might forgive her but i wouldn't trust her and i would still end the relationship....I give absolute loyalty to the person when I'm taken & I would expect her to do the same or it wouldn't be a relationship..... | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/11/2008 6:11:50 PM | Depends on the nature of the little faux pas you decribe.....I'd be less likely to trust a woman again than a man....because women's indiscretions are usually based on emotional connections and not a moment of meaningless stupid sexual abandon.  | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/11/2008 7:48:40 PM | | If you look at the research about cheating and extramarital affairs, it's more oft than not a problem with the cheater and his/ her perception of thier current relationship. All of a sudden they are getting attention thier partner doesn't seem to have the time for, someone who is actually listen to them, wanting and taking thier advice...It's often a need to feed the ego, to feel wanted and desired. The problem being the cheater never considers the devastating aftermath that ensues after the line gets crossed. The partner is often left devastated, world torn apart, self esteem blown, security compromised because people do not know the difference between romantic love and real love. Romantic love is the stuff that happens at the beginning...the good stuff. Romantic love is the lustful getting to know each other phase of a realtionship. It's easy and exciting. Real love is hard work. It requires patience, respect,understanding, compromise and a giving of one's self, heart and soul. It requires work eveyday. People get lost in thier everyday lives with the other things they think are important. We get complaceint and worry more about getting that next promotion and impressing the boss than showing the person that's home waiting for you that they matter. Knowing why it happens does not excuse it happening. I feel you teach people how to treat you and if you excuse the behavior of someone that doesn't respect you as valuble human being, you are cheating yourself out of maybe finding someone who will respect and care for you. Cheaters often are always wrapped up in the excitment of the new relationship, makes them feel like teenagers again. Take all the good you can from the relationship, take what you've learned along the way and open yourself up to a new, healthier relatioship. Once trust is shattered, often the fractures are too big for both parties to bridge. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/11/2008 11:20:09 PM | Trust is something that is earned and not easily given. Trust provides the foundation upon which Love can grow. Once you've been cheated on , the trust is shattered and the entire relationship collapses upon itself.
That being said, unlike some of the simplistic answers I've seen posted here, under what conditions did this indiscretion occur? In general, yeah, I believe that once the trust is gone then Love and the relationship is dead.
However, throw in a partner that was abusing the cheater in some way, emotionally ignoring the other person for years, or some other indeterminate factor, you can't always blame the person that cheated. In fact, given the right circumstance, the cheater may not be entirely at fault.
Hell, what am I talking about? Let's just keep it simple and practice what's in Leviticus and put the adulterer and the adultress to death. Of course, we now enter the realm of Old vs New testament, Literal vs Figurative translation, and Christian vs non-Christian beliefs. Sounds like this could be a the start of some new threads... | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/12/2008 6:32:02 PM |
(Msg 909) .....why do you care anyway...you're married and happy...who cares what the rest of the world thinks?
And don't you think this "issue" you have, which since you have admitted it many times, is a result of your last marriage...needs to either be put to rest, or dealt with more directly? Seems if you had closure on that marriage...this stuff wouldn't still be haunting you...
Because I'm addicted to the forums.
On a more serious note the "issue" I have is sharing what works. If a person is wondering if they should have sex with their partner when they're not in the mood to have sex with their partner they should ask themselves if they are in the mood to deal with a possible affair. While offering unfettered sex in a relationship is no guarantee an affair will not occur is it worth taking the chance?
(Msg 914) If I had sex at the beginning with every man I started to date, I'd be a slut. lol Sorry, but I am not out there spreading it around with every man I am starting to see.
Perhaps I wasn't clear. When I wrote, "Is expecting sex when entering a romantic relationship something unusual, strange, bizarre, unheard of", I meant expecting it after one starts a relationship, not necessarily immediately.
The reason I wrote that is it seems sex is not to be "expected". It seems some folks believe it's something that happens on a whim, sort of an "in the mood" thing. I don't agree with that. I believe sex is an integral part of a romantic relationship.
Let me use an example. I would say most people expect their partner to have a job and be self-supporting. If one started a relationship and the person moved in, quit their job, then said, "It's not right to "expect" me to work when I know you can afford to feed and clothe me" what would be a normal person's reaction?
When I asked why you didn't leave that relationship instead of cheating, you put it back on her.
My Ex told me she was seeing someone else and asked me to move out and work on the marriage. It wasn't me who was seeing someone else. Also, in that marriage, while she never refused sex, it was obvious she wasn't "into it".
I must add that after we divorced and she remarried she phoned me one day when her new husband and her were having problems and said, "You know me. I never cared for sex."
So, why would I take the position I do considering it was me who was cheated on? Because I should have known that her lack of interest in sex was a sign. While there are exceptions usually when one enjoys sex with their partner they like their partner. Usually sex brings two people closer together.
That's why, when relationships are new, two people get along so well. That’s why people are willing to try new things. That’s why people are more co-operative. There is more to sex than just the physical. That’s why it’s so important and that’s why when people talk about others just wanting to “get their rocks off” it’s reasonable to conclude that is the way they, themselves, look at sex.
That’s the strange thing about this “I’m not in the mood” attitude. Not in the mood for what, exactly? Not in the mood to be close to their partner? Not I the mood to bond with their partner? Not in the mood to have their partner try and make then feel good? Or, to be blunt, does not being in the mood mean they’re just not horny?
If sex meant what many people profess it does then they would be “in the mood”. If they believed sex meant their partner wanted to be close to them, to bond with them, to make them feel good, it is illogical for them to not be in the mood.
If someone feels their partner just wants sex to please themselves isn’t it likely they feel the same way about sex? If they truly believed sex was special and was a way to show someone they were special why would they not be in the mood? Who is not in the mood to have someone show them they are special unless, of course, they just don’t care about the person.
Anyway, as they say, each to their own. All I can do is compare my 13 year marriage to my present 11 year relationship and see the difference sex has made. Who knows, maybe everything will change over the next two years and I'll be here joining the "Sex? Bah, HumBug!" crowd.  | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/12/2008 11:14:32 PM |
If sex meant what many people profess it does then they would be “in the mood”. If they believed sex meant their partner wanted to be close to them, to bond with them, to make them feel good, it is illogical for them to not be in the mood.
Dave...I think we pointed out before..that phrase means something different to almost everyone...and it's a basic catchall when one doesn't know why, or is afraid to say why, or wants to avoid an argument...etc. Nd no one ever claimed that women were usually logical?..lol...majority of them are pretty emotional..and that drives their behavior...
That’s the strange thing about this “I’m not in the mood” attitude. Not in the mood for what, exactly? Not in the mood to be close to their partner? Not I the mood to bond with their partner? Not in the mood to have their partner try and make then feel good? Or, to be blunt, does not being in the mood mean they’re just not horny?
Though, I guess I need to point out again..for most women , not in the mood means they aren't there emotionally/mentally/physically..what you seem to not grasp..is that most ( not all) women neither approach sex the same way as men, have the same triggers, or can just have it no matter how they feel emotionally..etc....doesn't have anything to do with whether they love sex, or their partner...many women just don't function the same as men Dave, I don't know why you find that so hard to believe. If they are in the wrong place, having sex is an invasion..I know you don't get that, because men don't have that problem...but, it is what it is...and those situations are far more common than women who don't like sex...
And your attitude, unfortunately, reduces one to just a sex vehicle...I notice you never mention love, or how she is feeling..it is all about what she does for you...you seem to want to change that basic male/female dynamic...women need love to have sex/men want sex to get love....and it's can cause some serious conflicts if they both don't acknowledge that, and work with it...not one demanding the other change...or using blackmail to force it...
It is still no excuse for cheating...by your rationale, if you aren't filling my emotional needs I am justified to cheat on you..still wrong...like we keep saying..you have two options..fix it, or leave...period. Two wrongs do not make a right. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/13/2008 6:44:57 AM | Found I couldn't, but gave it serious try. Thing was she never expressed remorse and just got sneakier. Maybe if someone was truly sorry and was serious about righting the wrong.
unless I was in a really long relationship and she begged me to work it out I'd be gone in a heartbeat. I do not share my significant others. | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/13/2008 6:50:20 AM | Dave wrote:
*****The reason I wrote that is it seems sex is not to be "expected". It seems some folks believe it's something that happens on a whim, sort of an "in the mood" thing. I don't agree with that. I believe sex is an integral part of a romantic relationship. *****
Ok, what about the person who is religious or moral and doesn't believe in having sex because they're in a relationship? What if someone really does need time to build up trust or believes sex may get in the way of truly getting to know someone? Are those people not justified in waiting?
***** Let me use an example. I would say most people expect their partner to have a job and be self-supporting. If one started a relationship and the person moved in, quit their job, then said, "It's not right to "expect" me to work when I know you can afford to feed and clothe me" what would be a normal person's reaction? *****
You are comparing apples to oranges Dave. Sex.... the act of having a man enter your body and leave behind part of his, is far different from whether someone is working or not. Come on... do you seriously think those two can be compared?
I think I can speak for a vast majority of women who can't have sex without emotion. For me, they are tied together. I can't just have sex for the sake of it or because it's "expected".... I have to *feel* emotionally connected to a person. If that person is always angry or emotionally detached.... doesn't stroke my emotional needs.... how do I stroke his physical ones without feeling like just a *hole*?
Sex is a wonderful part of a loving, nurturing relationship. If there is an absense of sex, there are problems.... serious ones. If your ex didn't like sex, perhaps there was a reason for it that should have been addressed as soon as the problems seemed to appear. Perhaps she'd been molested as a child, or raped, or something else that was traumatic enough to keep her from enjoying a full sex life with someone she loved. Maybe she felt emotionally disconnected to you or felt neglected. But after reading your posts and hearing about how you've been in an 11 year relationship, I'm wondering what kind of spouse you were.
I'm curious Dave... if you are presently in a very long relationship with someone, and it's everything you are claiming it is, what would possess you to join a dating site? You could have joined yahoo groups or any other message boards, but to be here with singles who are looking for someone... what does that say about your perfect relationship?
Sharzi | |
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:54:36 AM | sharzi wrote; sex may get in the way of truly getting to know someone?
This is often the case, sex clouds our vision and sometimes in relationship we just need to back off of it for an agreed amount of time....but we should not give our partner the hint of an idea that it is indefinent.. or that they r being punished with the lack of sex. this would also get in the way of "truly getting to knows someone" people have to feel safe and unpresured to grow... it is the warmth of the sun that opens the bud...
sharzi wrote; how do I stroke his physical ones without feeling like just a *hole*?
This is an unspoken question that is asked in the minds of many a women.
I have recently taken up ball room dancing and have realized it is a reinactment of a romantic relationship... sex if u were... as the women places her hand in his, she does not where or how he will lead her... she must trust him...and he must prove himself trustworthy... if he uses a heavy hand she will began to feel forced and eventually refuse his hand...
A man must give direction but never forcing , always asking ... this is the mans job and key to her responce...
feeling like a hole or a post, is in direct relationship to how much presure is put on us to perform....
rule of thumb; never ! no not once, ever, take a person farther then they feel comfortable going.... let the warmth of your respect open up that flower....then the flower will be beging the bee to come in...
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| can you trust some one once they cheat?
Posted: 4/14/2008 5:32:21 AM | | Once you have cheated you have proven that you are selfish,uncaring and untrustworthy. If your relationship is that bad off that you feel the need to cheat then get help or get the hell out. | |
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