|
|
|
|
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/10/2007 9:14:47 AM |
Relationships dont happen on paper they happen inside of complicated human beings. My cousin keeps trying to reduce it to the paper thing too but give me a break would you date a woman who reminds of your mothers best friend because on paper yall had a lot in common.
That's not what I mean. I am referring to the profile lists of preferences and activities. | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/10/2007 10:13:11 AM | Attraction does indeed have to go both ways, and it's funny just how juvenile some people can react just because they don't fit into your dating criteria! 
You get all types here on POF and the forums, both good and bad. For instance just this weekend I received an e-mail from a heavy-set woman chastising me for TWO paragraphs about the "arrogant tone of my profile", and how she was originally planning to contact me (upon seeing my profile pics), but once she finished reading through my profile she had changed her mind due to my shallow and callous views towards obesity. 
Now what was really the point in that? I would think she'd thank me for saving her the time, as I clearly spelled things out and as such she knew before even contacting me that we wouldn't be a match... Am I wrong?
Thankfully there are also some mature people that can actually accept things and view themselves clearly, for not 24 hours later did I receive a message from another POF lady thanking me for my honesty. She complimented my pics and said that she fully understood my preferences about weight, and even had the humility to admit that she didn't fit the mold. ..
Now that was a classy and mature lady, and I am glad to add her to my favorites list as a new online friend because people that can look at themselves without ego are a true rarity in this world!   | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/10/2007 10:53:02 AM | Uh, WTF?...Over?
I go away for the weekend and come back to this thread turning into this? After reading through it, I still can't figure out what happened.
Anyway, yeah, play nice or no dessert. | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/10/2007 4:55:35 PM | I hate being rejected i always get rejected by women i have even gave up on girls. It seems that they usually want to be freinds and wait and all that junk and it frustrates me ass to why I keep going through this torment. i am a shy guy who just wants someone I am attracted to to have a relationship. | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/11/2007 9:03:43 PM | | Im in the same boat right now with a girl.....i think shes absoluetly amazing and im really attracted too her..shes a very pretty girl but my attraction doesnt seem to stem from her looks but more from just the way she is and the way she carry's herself, i really adore her...and we did date for a month a while ago but it didnt work out...i still feel the same way about her..BUT she says she isnt attracted to me and never will be so nothing can ever happen again between us...really hurts when u like some one so much and they cant return it, we still talk all the time and see each other every now and then...but shes starting dating new guys now, who she says she finds attractive, sometimes i wish i could look different and be different so she finds me a attractive but its never gonna happen, its hard to know shes dating over guys when i think im a great guy myself, but the looks arent good enough for her...sucks!! | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/11/2007 9:22:14 PM | The attraction has to be mutual certainly. It has nothing to do with shallowness. It comes down to overall presentation. Plenty of physically beautiful people can become far less attractive once you get to know them, and average people can become hot once they let their personalities shine.
As for being lashed out at after I've done my best to let someone down easy, hasn't happened. Maybe that's where picking up the tab pays off  ! | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/11/2007 9:54:55 PM | I'd agree with Scorpio that letting someone down in a way that doesn't make them feel bad about themselves is always the best tact to take. Wouldn't you prefer the same thing? Rather than saying someone is "not your type" you might try something more like "I don't think from your profile and interests that we are really compatible." I always like to wish people luck in their search as well, that they find the right one for them.
Frenchy....I'd sort of agree with the note about your writing. As far as I know the French still use caps and punctuation! At least your profile though is much better written so I'd guess you just go with the more shorthand type of writing in the forums....but it is a bit hard to read. It's very correct though that for many people, we tend to judge a person of lesser intelligence when they write poorly (certainly not always accurately, but we do). So it may be well worth putting a little more effort in if that matters to you.
Tiger...while your comments do come off a little harsh, I applaud you for being totally honest about it and at least leaving nothing up to conjecture. One thing a lot of guys don't realize is that the average girl thinks of herself as "fat", and putting "slim" or "average" weight as what you are looking for will mean a good many girls will just pass right by it because they assume they won't measure up (and don't want to have to deal with the guys that constantly nag and pressure you about it either). When for a lot of guys, they mostly just don't want someone that is grossly overweight or obese. I wish more would clarify exactly what body type is really acceptable to them, because sadly, it is a very big criteria for many men, and tough for us girls that always have 10-20 pounds we are struggling with to figure out just from a one or two word description. | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/12/2007 6:51:34 AM |
Maryjos suggested:
Tiger...while your comments do come off a little harsh, I applaud you for being totally honest about it and at least leaving nothing up to conjecture. One thing a lot of guys don't realize is that the average girl thinks of herself as "fat", and putting "slim" or "average" weight as what you are looking for will mean a good many girls will just pass right by it because they assume they won't measure up (and don't want to have to deal with the guys that constantly nag and pressure you about it either). When for a lot of guys, they mostly just don't want someone that is grossly overweight or obese. I wish more would clarify exactly what body type is really acceptable to them, because sadly, it is a very big criteria for many men, and tough for us girls that always have 10-20 pounds we are struggling with to figure out just from a one or two word description.
Thanks for your civility Maryjos,
I just thought I'd share with you another funny tidbit as yet ANOTHER angry lady wrote me a chastising e-mail about my preferences, stating "good luck finding that perfect person". 
Since when did looking for someone as physically fit as I am become a naive quest for the Holy Grail? Please note that I am no Olympian by any means, just one of the fitter guys in my peer groups, despite some partially-crippling sports injuries...
I mean how far have we dropped the bar as a society when we label people that simply manage to stay in shape through exercising and discipline as freaks? It's akin to praising someone for never having gone to prison, when every basic citizen should be capable of accomplishing that...
At any rate, that was the third incarnation of my profile you actually read, and believe it or not, that's the "toned-down" version! 
Take care and thanks again for your kind words, I wish you the best of luck on POF and look forward to reading more of your posts!  | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/12/2007 7:34:14 AM | Since when did looking for someone as physically fit as I am become a naive quest for the Holy Grail? Please note that I am no Olympian by any means, just one of the fitter guys in my peer groups, despite some partially-crippling sports injuries...
I mean how far have we dropped the bar as a society when we label people that simply manage to stay in shape through exercising and discipline as freaks? It's akin to praising someone for never having gone to prison, when every basic citizen should be capable of accomplishing that...
I don't know, but I get that from people a lot too - "well enjoy being alone looking for someone who's in perfect shape...after 30 we all gain weight, that's life."
Kind of a backhanded statement. Um...no not all of us do, some do something to stop/reverse it (if we want to). Pfft. I am not a size 7 because I didn't want to be. Period. I don't knock anyone at any size, people are where they want to be, or they'd work to change it...and that's fine. But I should be able to look for someone who lives the same lifestyle I do...without people pouting about it. Heck I know a woman who's 62, and works out daily - she looks 45...it IS possible at ANY age to be whatever weight you want to be.
I had a guy actually e-mail me and tell me because I was athletic and in shape, I was his type but because he wasn't even close to that, he probably wasn't mine, but wanted to send a message anyway. Um...when you really think about that, does it make much sense? | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/12/2007 7:52:47 AM | ^^^^ Thanks Betty, glad to see I'm not the only person that's defying the "standard" as has somehow been branded a heretic because of it! 
Like you said, it's all about choices, and I've painstakingly chosen to watch every morsel of food that passes between my lips and weigh it against how much activity I've done during the day/week. If I haven't done enough, I simply don't eat the junk I may craving and substitute it with a healthier nutritional alternative. It's that simple! Discipline and willpower, people!  | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/12/2007 8:30:36 AM |
I mean how far have we dropped the bar as a society when we label people that simply manage to stay in shape through exercising and discipline as freaks?
Well, in the woman's defense, you aren't just looking for someone that is fit and trim, you list a number of other things as well. But I see no reason you can't find what you are looking for, those don't seem like unreasonable things to me (at the most basic level of what they mean). However, your profile does tend to still be somewhat arrogant because rather than just talk about the qualities you want, you have a lot about what you don't want and some of the things you say make you look very judgmental against other people. It's one thing to know what it is that attracts you and be sure people know that up-front...it's another to do it in a way that denigrates those that don't meet your standard. To say for instance that one fit person and one obese person is not a balanced couple....maybe for you it isn't but there are many fit people that are perfectly happy with their less-than-fit partner. I'd feel the same way if someone said a couple of different races or different religions is not a balanced couple. Whether you think it or not, it's really the kind of attitude that's best to keep to yourself and not put out there for the whole world as a first impression. I felt the same way about how you phrased your intellect statement...it comes off more crass than funny (as I expect you intended). And then you talk about humility and poise/confidence...and both of these are very much written to indicate you are looking for someone really attractive as well as very fit...at least, it very much comes out that way and I can definitely see most women reading this and thinking, good luck buddy, you want someone fit, attractive, smart....AND humble! Yeah, that's a pretty high standard and while there are certainly woman out there that should meet it, it definitely isn't going to be a huge number of fish in the pool that do. But you're young and there's no reason you can't shoot for the sky if that's what you want and you are willing to take some time to find it. | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/12/2007 9:00:58 AM | Hello again Maryjos,
Like I said, I'm fully aware that some of the content of my profile CAN be construed as arrogant, but I felt it best to only marginally censor myself as those are my core views and whether they are received positively or negatively, they will hopefully save the women that read them the time of deciding whether or not to contact me... 
As for the 4 qualities I mentioned I was looking for:
1) Humility - I do want someone that isn't incredibly full of themselves. I don't know if you've been to the Toronto club scene, but I've actually had an arrogant Paris-Hilton-wannabe DECREE that I was "in her space on the dance floor and to kindly shove off to the side" because I took a 10 second break from two hour's worth of dancing. Were she not tiny and a woman I would have put her head through a pillar with that kind of comment... 
2) Poise - I simply said a woman that carries herself with grace and dignity is an attractive thing. There is no connection with weight associated with that statement, I've seen chubby women strut confidently, as well they should if they love themselves
3) Intellect - Well yes I did toss in a smidgen of condescension here, but it was to advertise "Bimbos won't cut it either". If anything, that's a ringing attestation to the fact that I'm looking for more than just a "pretty place to hang my hat"
4) Fitness - Well I spelled that one out, I only request the same that I bring to the table, no more because that would be hypocritical. I don't endorse eating disorders to look a certain way, nor do I believe people have to give up the foods they love. What I DO believe though is that everyone has the time for exercise, it's just a question of prioritizing one's schedule, and for most of the sedentary North American population, being fit just isn't a priority when you can walk into the doctor's office for that triple-bypass or liposuction...
Like you said, I am "young" (28), so perhaps I am naive to "shoot for the moon". But I can tell you this, just this week I met an attractive woman (36) that's the living embodiment of my statements, and Fate-willing, we'll hit it off again on our next date!  | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/12/2007 9:06:10 AM | Of course attraction needs to go both ways but not everyone is going to be attracted to the same things and those things do change somewhat over time. The pool of prospects really does shrink quickly when you maintain an active lifestyle - for life. If I had the same physical “standards” I did twenty years ago my options at this point would be very few. But the funny thing is, I didn’t make any conscious decision to change what I find attractive, it just happened.
People simply need to be aware of what’s important to them at the core level, realize not everyone is going to share the same things and quit wasting time trying to stuff the square peg into the round hole for goodness sake. | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/12/2007 9:20:30 AM | Yes attraction has to go both ways if a relationship is going to work. However, I think that one of the shortcomings of looking online for a match or whatever, is that one is forced to judge or evaluate a person by their picture and the things they type. I've found that in real life there are a lot of other things that can attract me to a person, that hmmmm are hard to translate to this venue. A lot of times actually seeing a smile or hearing a person laugh is way more impactful ( is that a word? *L*) than viewing a picture or reading what someone writes. There are times that humor or body language or intelligence or the way a person carries themselves can't be assessed by typing or putting up a picture.
If i was to describe the "type" of person I'd be attracted to it would be in the ballpark of what I was looking for, but I've met women who isn't my "type" but after talking or reacting to situations with them I've found that the attraction seemed to grow.
As for playing the shallow card.......I guess when someone who is attracted to you gets the,
"you aren't my type" message they lash out in whatever way they that is handy, some people do anyways.............but then again if they do lash out like that, they probably aren't your type. Right??*L* | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/12/2007 10:12:57 AM |
I felt it best to only marginally censor myself as those are my core views and whether they are received positively or negatively, they will hopefully save the women that read them the time of deciding whether or not to contact me
My point is that you can get your requirements across without coming off that way...and possibly turning away the very woman you are looking for.
As for the 4 qualities I mentioned I was looking for....
Yes, I get what you are looking for, and I wasn't saying that every one of these has anything to do with weight (or lack thereof). Beauty and fitness are not one and the same, but the way you phrase things indicates to me that you are looking for someone that is very endowed with both...not always that easy to find, since as you say, starving yourself does not a fit person make.
What I DO believe though is that everyone has the time for exercise
The biggest thing I see missing in your profile and in your posts here though is empathy and it's something that many women look for and are attracted to. Just a statement like this makes it sound like you are putting yourself above everyone else that doesn't prioritize exercise. You're single and young...of course you have time for exercise. Try saying that to a single mother working and raising multiple kids. For her, exercise and being super-fit is simply not going to be a priority. Other people may have physical issues that make normal types of exercise difficult, or it's also common with people of limited means to eat poorly because it's often cheaper. When you say things like "just eat right and exercise, it's that simple" it tells me you haven't really fully developed empathy and that may show in other ways in a relationship. Because for a great many people that have weight issues, it simply is *not* that easy. A woman does not want a man that is going to talk down to her, or not be understanding when she is upset about something he thinks is trivial, etc. so it's a good thing to develop in life. As an example, I may not want to be with a smoker, but I'm not going to tell someone "Just quit, it's bad for you" because it's *not* that simple. | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/12/2007 10:54:38 AM | You hit the nail on the head my dear, empathy was a foreign concept that I was born with very little of, if any at all to this day...
As for people with children, etc. Well we all have choices to make, and I can tell you that any parent that actually tethers themselves to their children when they run out to play will get a full day's exercise AND THEN SOME!
But a lot of parents just sit sedentary (justifiably tired) watching their kids play sports rather than join in, which would be beneficial to them BOTH.
Like I said, I'm 28, if that counts as "young" in your books to form an opinion, so be it, but I have friends my age that have already been married 8 years running and have children of their own, and they still look the same as they did in University when I met them. Excuses are a dime a dozen, but I can understand how some will find it hard to multi-task, especially if they're doing it all solo.
As for not being able to lose weight because of being forced to eat crap food due to poverty, when I was overweight (age 15-18) and dieting I was dropping pounds despite eating McDonalds. How did I do it? That one McDonald's meal was ALL I ate that day, or darn close to it, sometimes starving throughout the rest of the day.
Since I've lived on both sides of the fitness fence, I've made my allegiance, and will sooner die than go back. Hence why I cannot be with someone that embodies that which I once despised in myself... Not fair I know, but it's how I feel and how I choose to live...
I have thoroughly enjoyed our discussion, you are a great lady ripe with wonderful ideas, but I should probably stop posting in this thread before the mods tag me for hogging/sidetracking the thread. Best wishes My Dear! | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/12/2007 10:59:25 AM | Tiger:
Like you said, I am "young" (28), so perhaps I am naive to "shoot for the moon". But I can tell you this, just this week I met an attractive woman (36) that's the living embodiment of my statements, and Fate-willing, we'll hit it off again on our next date! Which imo is exactly how it works!! Having a positive attitude and knowing what you want... being open to that which comes along and using discernment to recognize whether a person fits what you are seeking in a mate...
I am betting that regardless of whether it works with this particular woman, you will find exactly what you are looking for... I'd say good luck but I doubt you'll need it :)
How can anyone tell another what their requirements/standards should be??? Would it not be more appropriate to focus on that which you yourself are looking for as opposed to judging the way others go about things?
Have never understood that one. | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/12/2007 2:39:43 PM |
You hit the nail on the head my dear, empathy was a foreign concept that I was born with very little of, if any at all to this day...
Which does come through in your profile. Hey, I'm not saying you have to change your opinion...it's pretty clear you aren't going to, and I'm not here to debate you on that. Anymore than I would get into a drawn-out debate with someone that is a racist or bigot....I definitely have better things to do! But the point is, that an ideal profile is one that lets your good traits show through more than your less-than-ideal ones. Particularly when you are looking for someone with such a rare set of characteristics, it's not a bad idea to try and have your profile written so it really comes across that you don't think you're "all that" yourself...that you're down to earth and funny, intelligent, etc. I can see you are trying to do that, but your humor and jokes are directed more at other people than at yourself (like the crack about "drool patrol" or fitting into your girl's pants. For instance, for intelligence you can put something more like "I really need someone that's going to laugh at my horribly stupid jokes and that can tell me when I'm wrong about something (as I frequently am!)" Just an example, I'm not assuming you tell stupid jokes, but I'll at least assume you are not always right about stuff (and statements like this are nice to let a woman know that you aren't afraid of a little debate). A little self-deprecating humor can go a long way, believe me!
Just trying to help you understand why your profile comes across as so negative to some people, like you are attacking them, etc. You can definitely get your point across without seeming so insensitive. You don't have to agree with other people's choices or roads in life...but the best thing you can do is still show respect for everyone. | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/12/2007 2:58:28 PM | When did this thread become a profile review??? Wow...
As to the actual topic... of course attraction should go both ways... and sometimes, when it doesn't... the person who does not fit what another is looking for gets... hmmm... shall we say, p!ssy...
Does that mean that what you are wanting should change? Or should the self-esteem of the person being rejected be taken into account?? To me the answer is obvious ;) | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/12/2007 3:51:45 PM |
When did this thread become a profile review??? Wow...
Simply because the topic came up of people get angry at reading them, because of how such "preferences" were stated. The point I (and others) are making is that you can have your preferences, and even make them known, without making other people feel bad about themselves in return. You might not always be successful (there definitely are those with a chip on their shoulder just looking to take offense) but it's always worth a try...because you will look like a better, nicer person in return. So we all benefit! | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/12/2007 4:03:08 PM |
How can anyone tell another what their requirements/standards should be??? Would it not be more appropriate to focus on that which you yourself are looking for as opposed to judging the way others go about things?
Very true... I couldn't imagine writing to someone and telling them they'll never find what they are looking for, I just cross them off my own list and move on. Although I do kind of laugh sometimes at what some men write, they so clearly don't understand how women tend to have different interests and hobbies, etc., and it sounds like they just need some more guy friends to hang with! Even still, I'm sure there are *some* women out there that just love motorcycles, football, NASCAR, and camping out in the woods.
Tiger: good luck with the lady you found, hope it works out! I do know for sure there are women that meet your description because I have a friend that fits that mold perfectly. Beautiful, thin, very smart and career-oriented, yet not stuck-up in the least. Hard to believe no one has managed to snatch her up yet! | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/16/2007 10:37:53 PM | | Ah yes but attraction is a very odd thing I have dated beautiful women and homely women. I'm more intrested in if I can live with you in my life. Do our personalies fit and do we compliment each other. Physical attraction or Lust fades. I want a partner not a trophy. If you want a special person look for someone you get along with. If you want a fun night of sex just look for someone who just turns you on. | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/17/2007 12:02:02 AM | I've had that happen. It seems like there are some guys who assume if a woman is single, she is fair game and he is entitled to pursue her whether or not she's interested in him. Then if she turns him down he gets all offended and judges her as shallow.
This has happened no matter how diplomatically I tried to tell him it's not there for me.
Just because I'm not attached, I don't like any man thinking he has first dibs or something. He has no dibs on me unless I like him, and the same is true in reverse: if I have a thing for a guy who's unattached, he's still not obligated to date me. | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/21/2007 5:23:37 AM |
Belly
Everyone has brains! It is weather or not they use them that makes a difference!
Now I could be an ass and point out all your other mistakes in your posts... though considering this was one of your first in this thread I think it speaks for itself. Shouldn't the messenger not be complaining of spelling and grammar when he can't set a decent example?
(It's whether if you haven't clued in yet)
Now for OP your gorgeous and there's nothing wrong with wanting similarities in a relationship. Personally I'm the same, though I have a hard time finding maturity in the people I meet. If you want someone whose attractive and intelligent that's your choice just like I want someone decently attractive, mature, and with a sense of humour. It's not something worth paying attention to criticism for, especially when the people criticising you can't tell the difference between constructive criticism and being flat out ignorant and rude | |
|
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/21/2007 7:15:39 AM |
I've had that happen. It seems like there are some guys who assume if a woman is single, she is fair game and he is entitled to pursue her whether or not she's interested in him. Then if she turns him down he gets all offended and judges her as shallow.
This has happened no matter how diplomatically I tried to tell him it's not there for me.
Just because I'm not attached, I don't like any man thinking he has first dibs or something. He has no dibs on me unless I like him, and the same is true in reverse: if I have a thing for a guy who's unattached, he's still not obligated to date me.
Wizechicklet, I am having that reaction I had when I first started reading Irreverant Lass/Herding Cats.
Amen sister. Were we separated at birth? I am finding a lot of women here that not only think like I do, but write like I do too.
So when did men decide that persuing us was all it should take to date us? Attraction seems to be a conveniently forgotten trait for a LOT of men. Perhaps more men should wait for a green light before proceeding. I am quite certain most of them went to driving school, so the concept's not foreign. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
