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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 8:21:35 AM | | You all are talking about maintaining relationships, picking the right person, etc. All fine and good (or not, as the case may be) But what about those of us, who can't even get someone to be IN a relationship with. I mean, I have had NO luck dating lately. I've gone to singles dances, and it's as if I have the plague, everyone around me gets asked to dance, but I sit.... and sit... I don't think that I am giving off any different vibes than my friends are. But in some way I must be. It's as if I have a sign on me that says DO NOT APPROACH! So are some of us not meant to be in relationships? Quite possibly. I had a friend tell me that I have to love myself before anyone else can love me. But heck, I DO like myself alot! If I was a guy, I'd date me, lol! I'm not sure what I would change about myself. I like who I am, I just don't know what it is that is NOT attractive to men. If I could get that answer, maybe I could change it. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 8:29:33 AM | @carpaccio
When I say a relationship, I mean a romantic relationship. I'm a good friend, sister, daughter, aunt, just not very good at being a girlfriend. I would have said the same: "I'm no good at being a girlfriend". I still wouldn't be. I am awkward and stubborn and I have ways of thinking and being that are alien to most people and in romantic relationships it matters. It matters that the way you love them is the way they understand love. I'm not good at being an accessory, I'm not good at being passive, I'm not good at fitting in or giving in, I'm not exactly sociable either. I love deeply and passionately but I don't demonstrate it in the ways that people necessarily can normally expect or appreciate.
What was most magical for me was that my special someone could feel my love for him, which is an intangible, energy-like thing -- far beyond thoughtful gestures or affectionate caresses. I could stand in front of him and he could feel me radiating at him in a way that I thought no-one would ever would sense. Getting all teary just thinking of it *smiles*.
I hope you find someone you resonate with, carpaccio, because you will see how different it can be. I know my special someone is happy with me and wouldn't have me be anything other than my quirky self -- and I haven't changed, other than becoming more free to be me: to all the rest of the men on the planet, assuming I was not with my special someone, I would still not be good girlfriend material -- they might be attracted but I'd never fit their expectations. *laugh*
Being in a relationship is about relating, two absolutely wonderful and amazing people might have a rubbish relationship, and two people who don't seem particularly amazing to anyone else could potentially have the most beautiful relationship. A relationship seems to me to be the music that results from two instruments playing together -- you can get a beautiful melody or complete dischord depending on how the two harmonise.
@BDRT
You all are talking about maintaining relationships, picking the right person, etc. All fine and good (or not, as the case may be) But what about those of us, who can't even get someone to be IN a relationship with. I mean, I have had NO luck dating lately. Just one suggestion: stop looking for people to love you and look for people to love. For all kinds of reasons from cynical, to psychological to spiritual, this can change things for you. Love others and you will find that, inevitably, some love you back. Doesn't mean it's right to be in a relationship with them but it opens up possibilities. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 9:07:59 AM | Rune3, you and I would *so* be the best of girlfriends IRL. :-)
This?
Just one suggestion: stop looking for people to love you and look for people to love. For all kinds of reasons from cynical, to psychological to spiritual, this can change things for you. Love others and you will find that, inevitably, some love you back. Doesn't mean it's right to be in a relationship with them but it opens up possibilities.
Is absolutely spot on. When we get to the point that we can love someone just because we love him/her, and without expecting or requiring love in return, it's amazing how good it feels. And if it *does* crash and burn anyway, it seems to hurt a little bit less, because you don't feel kind of bitter resentment that happens when you're giving love only so you can get it back. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 9:25:28 AM | rune3 and sorcha, I'm sure that's very good advice. But I'm not sure how you got the idea that I am looking for someone to love me and that I am not loving people? Hell, I wasn't even talking about LOVE. I was talking about not being able to get a date... big leap there. NO date equals NO relationship. And therefore my conclusion that maybe I was not meant to be in a relationship. However, I would certainly hope that this isn't permanent, maybe just not meant to be in a relationship AT THIS TIME.
And btw, loving people who don't love you back SUCKS. Doesn't mean we don't love them anyway. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 9:27:04 AM | At various times in my life – and as recently as 2 years ago - I have questioned whether I am any good at relationships and have seriously thought perhaps I should just stand toe-to-toe with the evidence, recognize I suck at relationships and quit.
(At one time, taking off on crazylilting’s point, I speculated the only way one could have a successful relationship was to ensure we had read the same darn books. LoL@the fallacy of relating by the book)
A wise person told me that being in the inquiry actually is proof of “having the right stuff”. He also suggested I look at all of the other exceptional relationships I have in my life – and recognize that what has made me a good sister, daughter, mother, friend, mentor – are all the same qualities that are necessary for a successful romantic relationship. The quality of my relationship with my daughter - one of wide open trust and loving communication that expresses needs while valuing and respecting the autonomy and growth of the other person– is what had me really shift my belief in myself and, I think, alter my stance in relationships.
My ability to relate is not the problem, but something was going awry in my relating with a romantic partner… my fears were like a ribbon that ran through my romantic relationships, affecting who I was attracted to and how we related. So my fears rather than my innate ability to love and be with another were the real issue.
I am not sure that I can articulate this adequately, but my grab bag of fears included being submerged, of losing myself in the other person and having it not work out. Another huge fear was that they would not be able to handle my flaws, so I needed to be responsible for them to ensure the relationship would succeed. I picked men who “fit” with this reality… in other words, my fears picked them.
The other significant difference between romantic relationships and the other relationships in my life is the word ‘relationship’. I do NOT "work on" relationships with my friends or my daughter or my siblings… I simply relate to them and the love and caring grows between us. Yet, in relationships, I worked on “the relationship”, I worried about how the relationship was doing, growing.
Although I am not certain I have done an adequate job of explaining it… shifting my perspective on my fears and altering how I approach relating is what I think opened things up for me.
I’m in the early days of a relationship with a man with whom relating is effortless. I had a very different experience moving into loving him… without discussing it, we dropped the notion of “the relationship” and simply care about each other – pretty amazing.
Edit to add: He sees my flaws and accepts them as a part of me... the freedom of finding someone who gives space and stays connected is, well, freeing and affirming.
ahh, no wonder I love this man. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 9:36:10 AM | you guys are really educated about this whole thing, why aren't you guys married, why still on to POF???
I'm not trying to be the negativity in your life, just want the understand concept of it all - i mean there enough god information here to write a book :)
I personally suck at relationship too; people are weird and different if not socially acceptable to some local standards of how to act in that environment like for me for instance im in san jose CA -- being in california i have to dress a certain way, act a certain way.. and be controlled by a specific someone, and they all must be important people, otherwise im excluded from them and relationships
I dont know .. ignore me | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 10:02:15 AM |
I am awkward and stubborn and I have ways of thinking and being that are alien to most people and in romantic relationships it matters. It matters that the way you love them is the way they understand love. I'm not good at being an accessory, I'm not good at being passive, I'm not good at fitting in or giving in, I'm not exactly sociable either. I love deeply and passionately but I don't demonstrate it in the ways that people necessarily can normally expect or appreciate.
Wow. That's me. This sentence in particular stood out. "It matters that the way you love them is the way they understand love."
This has been a reoccurring issue in my relationships. Example: I feel it's loving when someone gives me the space to be myself... and respects my boundaries, so I try to return that. Particular case...One of my exes was an artist, so am I. We both had studios. We both kept them in different ways (mine was pretty messy, it's how I work) I thought of his studio as his personal space, one that had little or nothing to do with me... and mine was mine and had little to do with him. I was accused of being "uncaring" because I didn't tidy up my studio to his standards (I had a door) So I told him that I didn't want to put my nose into his studio and I didn't want him to do that to mine, that I needed a place that was just mine and I thought it was healthy for both of us to have a place to create that was personal. Basically "please let's just give each other one space in the house that is personal and private". Somehow that was not acceptable because he didn't think that when in a relationship we should have anything that wasn't "ours". He saw it as me not wanting to share everything. (?) A betrayal, I guess. It comes down to being "enmeshed" which is something I can't nor want to be... I need to hold on to a bit of myself apart from my relationships and I want to give that freedom to my partner also. I see it as a loving thing to do... and he saw it as a threat. This problem went deeper also.. he wanted to collaborate on artwork together and although I respected his work I didn't want to do that (we had different approaches to art). He saw that as I didn't care about his work or want to be partners, and I saw it as we can share our creativity but we don't have to merge it.
There are many other examples... and I wonder if it isn't just that I'm too independant, or if I am attracting people that can't understand the way I show love. Or if I am so afraid of "losing myself" that I hold back. I don't know.
Good thread... lot's of stuff to digest here. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 10:03:42 AM | | I feel I'm not meant for relationships to. I talk about them a lot yes but that doesn't mean I feel I need one. Since I'm so dull and boring in many ways I probably won't find a man to settle down with at all. Even dating is an issue for me. So now I don't bother meeting people of the net anymore I just stick with FWB and make new friends. My biggest issue is my depression for sure cause my emotional end lacking big time. I appear to be cold hearted and cruel to values. Its not what it seems but its how I always come across. I actually haven't felt anything for years so I'm use to the numb feeling. But that numb feeling is hard on the other person in the relationship. So yes I focus on my school, pets, family and friends more so. My 3 hamsters are my babies, my friends are considered family, my family is important to me even if I don't talk to them much and school for the fact I want to make something out of my life before ever thinking about having feelings for a man. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/10/2007 6:34:08 AM |
Someone said that you dont' stop someone who is not a good athlete from getting into athletics, but if you know you're not a good runner by the time you're 40, it would be a bit silly to keep trying out for the Olympics wouldn't it? Yes, it would be silly to keep trying for the Olympics. But most runners would be ecstatic to win the regionals, just once. Do you want to go down in history as the greatest lovers of all time? Or do you want a great relationship? If you want a great relationship, does it really matter what others think? Does it really matter if other people think you're model-thin, or a genius, or the greatest thing since sliced bread? All tht matters is that your partner thinks you are the greatest thing since sliced bread, and what he considers wonderful may be completely different to society's notion of wonderful.
Consider this: You cannot walk. It's true. How do you know this? Because when you were born, you couldn't walk. Was it always true that you couldn't walk? No. How long was it before you could walk? A few months? A year, tops? Think how different your life is because you can walk. You can go to the shops, you can run, you can see friends, you can stand up, you can go out and meet people. Your life is totally transformed by your new-found ability to walk. It's true, that others can walk, but at the time, you didn't know that. Right now, there are lots of people who have relationships. You might not be one of them. But maybe this is like walking. Maybe in a year's time, you might learn to do something you never did before.
So how do you know that the same is true of relationships? How do you know that you will always be this way? Then read messages 8 & 10. Then realise that a year ago, they felt similar to you. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/10/2007 6:42:22 AM | | yes, for some people it is not good to have a relationship. there is happiness beyond relationships. some people think it is failure not to have a relationship. the true failure is not being able to love yourself and to be happy alone. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/10/2007 6:51:41 AM |
I am not sure that I can articulate this adequately, but my grab bag of fears included being submerged, of losing myself in the other person and having it not work out. Another huge fear was that they would not be able to handle my flaws, so I needed to be responsible for them to ensure the relationship would succeed. I picked men who “fit” with this reality… in other words, my fears picked them.
The other significant difference between romantic relationships and the other relationships in my life is the word ‘relationship’. I do NOT "work on" relationships with my friends or my daughter or my siblings… I simply relate to them and the love and caring grows between us. Yet, in relationships, I worked on “the relationship”, I worried about how the relationship was doing, growing.
Although I am not certain I have done an adequate job of explaining it… shifting my perspective on my fears and altering how I approach relating is what I think opened things up for me. ItsMargo (I love that name, it reminds me of "Heeeere's Johnnny!" "Iiiiiiiits Margo!" :laugh:), I think you've expressed it eloquently and more than adequately. Two big differences that people who have relationships and people who don't are:
1) Trying. People who don't have relationships try way too hard. Comes off as clingy and desperate. People who have relationships don't try. They just do.
2) Expecting. People who don't have relationships expect not to have one, and so are nervous when an opportunity comes along, and whinge if it doesn't work out. People who have relationships expect to have one, so they are relaxed when an opportunity comes along, and don't worry if it doesn't work out, as there will be another one in a minute.
Maybe you've hit on a fundamental principle of life. You have to accept something, to have something in your life. It's like catching the ball in baseball. If you stand and wait for it, and just adjust your position to catch it as it comes nearer, then you catch it. Not all the time, but enough. But if you panic, and run around like a headless chicken, or you just freeze and wait for it to land in your hands, you're going to miss it. It doesn't take a lot of effort to catch a ball, and 90% of it is just knowing that you will. Maybe the same is true for relationships. Maybe negativity breeds negativity, and positivity breeds positivity. Maybe we all need to talk about how great we are at relationships, even if we don't feel that way, Because then we'll relax when the relationship comes, catch it, and then it will be true that we are great at relationships. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/10/2007 7:52:27 AM | I believe that there are people out there who aren't cut out to be alone, who aren't cut out to work 9-5, who aren't cut out to be a parent, who aren't cut out for a lot of things.
I think my idea of what constitutes a relationship isn't exactly something most of the opposite sex would accept. I kind of like it to not be all consuming.
I DO believe that both need to have their own lives and activities separate and apart from each other, I don't necessarily think when you have free time you should always want to spend it with that person - sometimes we need alone/down time, and it shouldn't offend the other person. I don't think being in a relationship means giving up your friends or social life. It seems there are "obligations" that come with a relationship that people automatically think are set in place the moment you agree to become exclusive.
I have been accused of not caring because I tried to encourage exes to seek out friends and spend time with them (which, yes I do because I don't want someone giving me a hard time for spending time with my friends), because I don't call as much as all their exes did, because I don't really care if some stays the night or not, because I don't verbalize my feelings enough or show enough emotion. Eh, to me those aren't important, what it important is that we're both happy. When we are together it should be fun, free of drama, enjoyable. When we're not together, we should be able to be ok with that.
It's for these reasons that I feel it might not be for me. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/10/2007 8:55:14 AM | | Yeah... I think I may be one of those people. I've been married several times and been in several more relationships that did not end up in marriage. Maybe at first I could have chalked it up to being young and immature so I was too quick to say "To h*** with this. I want a divorce." I came to recognize that in myself and my last marriage lasted almost 13 years with almost 2 years of cohabitaton preceding it. That marriage made me think that I could do marriage with the right person. Unfortunately, the 'right person' had a different perspective. It wasn't all his fault or all my fault... it just was. Now that I think I've figured out a lot of things about how to have a successful relationship I just don't have any desire to do the relationship thing anymore. | |
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Beedo
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Joined: 11/29/2007
Msg: 39 | |
| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/10/2007 9:37:17 AM | Sure abusive types act that cant change should know what they can/cant really do,
But I'm guessing if you put your energies into other talents etc..thats problaby when something would come along for you, can't hurt. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/10/2007 10:12:33 AM | A wise friend recently told me (when she got married at 42 yrs old, after for the first time EVER even living with a guy):
"You just have to find someone who can put up with your sh , it."
So I believe some people ARE 'bad' at relationships because they are with the wrong type of person. Whether any specific humans are "meant " to be in relationships--I think it must be so, since most are. | |
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| Are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/10/2007 10:22:58 AM | I kinda thought that about myself. I was married and divorced twice, and figured that kind of thing was something I just didn't do well. I didn't date and was celibate for the next 22 years.
This past year, I've been dating and hoping to find that male/female relationships are something I can master. Or at least pass the class. The jury's still out. It may very well be that some of us aren't meant to be in relationships. I keep thinking, though, that I'd be a good fishie to catch. I have many good qualities, and I'm reasonable and logical and thoughtful and eager to please. Doesn't seem to be much of a market for that type of woman , or not in my area anyway. I'm not giving up though. I started this adventure and I'll keep it up til I'm sure, one way or another. If I'm not successful, I'll find something else to do with my time. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/10/2007 10:25:51 AM | I have been seperated for over 9 years... had a couple of relationships 1.5 yrs....have dated alot of guys that lasted a month or two... and it ended....... mostly i ended them. I am feeling now that i have been out of a relationship for sometime.... that i am not sure if i can handle being in relationships. I think i want them and when i do meet someone and it is going good....... i tend to push away.......... So when i look at this... maybe its cause i fear relationships...NOt sure. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/10/2007 10:38:06 AM | The OP makes a good point. Considering the relationship failures of some people (and I'd absolutely include myself), maybe they're just not relationship material. Keep in mind this is much different that "friendship" material. Most people have casual friends, right? Although, if you can't even hold onto friends, the commitment and sacrifice of serious relationships would be quite beyond your ability to cope. 
 Mo | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/10/2007 11:15:28 AM | I don't know much about your past, but all I can say is that sometimes you might say it wasn't meant to be with "that" person. It doesn't mean that it couldn't have worked, but sometimes we don't see the many differences until later. I'm not saying to date a person who is just alike in every way, but it also isn't good to just blatantly ignore differences. That is what I have learned so far.
You may find that where you didn't click with one person-- you later met another type and that it just worked. So, I think it might be that you need to wait on the right person. If you don't feel that you are not good at a longterm relationship, which is what you are saying, then just date here and there and remain single. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/10/2007 3:27:56 PM | This is a very complicated but good question......I do believe people have difficulty in managing relationships for multi reasons and sometimes it may require counseling. Relationships are work and in any work must be managed properly. I disagree that some people are not meant to be in relationships. This is a "give up" attitude and saying that you can't change your thinking. My advice is to seek wise counseling. Your issue is very complex and can't be resolved in the forum.
But for example: Some people continually choose abusive relationships. They may have came from abusive homes and have learned to respond by fear and have a false sense of security when someone else dictates order in their life. They may have a low self esteem and feel un-derserving of a good mate. Yet through counseling they can become secure and eventually find a good mate. In the same respects some people are so afraid of getting hurt that they sabotage their own relationship. It gives them a false sense of control. They self talk themselves into why the other is not the one for them. They choose to quit than working it through. Then their is another group that feels a relationship should always be the infatuation and romance. When the flame appears to die down they look else where looking for that new high that one gets in a new romance. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/11/2007 8:50:57 AM | I'm one of those...
Boocoo issues...Boocoo shortcomings...Boocoo quirks...
May spell BOOCOO INCONVENIENCE to someone else!
Most of the time...the same pertains to some of them...as seen by me!
I'm not doing anyone any favors by being in their life...
So, there ya go! | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/11/2007 9:17:50 AM | I have a friend who, when she was a little girl, had a sister who embarked on a career as a ballet dancer. Amazingly enough, she succeeded and was a soloist in NYC with the Joffrey in the sixties, no small feat. At that time, being surrounded as she was by all things ballet and theatre, my friend developed a passion for dance and performance.
Unfortunately, she just didn’t have what it took. She was told several times that she just didn’t have the build, wasn’t musical enough and didn’t thrive on the work. She was never going to be a ballerina. She had to accept that, and she did. That didn’t mean she didn’t continue to take dance classes all her youth and young adulthood. She did. She also would seize any opportunity to dance all night in bars, clubs, weddings, her exercise of choice is an aerobic dance routine and her forays into acting sometimes satisfies her desire for performance art. She just doesn't get to be a famous ballerina.
Maybe relationships are like that too. Maybe most people get the equivalent of classes and bars and clubs, an aerobic dance routine etc. and don’t get to be prodigy relationship people. They piece together what they can to meet their needs but just don’t get to do the whole Romeo and Juliet routine. Why so many of us think we're entitled to that kind of success is interesting when so many are aware that like ballet, you have to have the profile, the talent and thrive on the work in order to have what some would term success in relationships. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/11/2007 10:43:29 AM | | Yeah, I think there are some people that shouldn't be in a relationship because they are too destructive to be trusted with another's heart. Take my ex for instance. But I'm not bitter or anything ;) | |
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