| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 8:35:23 AM | DAMN!
Dashriprock makes it harder and harder NOT to fall for him with every one of his posts! | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 9:18:00 AM | You guys really are the best. I feel a little better knowing that that I'm not the only one dealing with feelings. Just talking about it has helped to some degree. I met my wife 4 yrs before we got together. She was married to another guy, and I was with somebody. It was a small town and I knew her husband was a cheater and abusive. One nite me and my girl friend went to a party and my wife and her current husband were there. I danced at that party with my wife, and it was love at first sight for me. Her and her husband got in a fight and he left. I seen her in a corner crying and I took my girl to her house, and went back to the party. Me and my wife talked for hours, and eventually I dropped her home with the man I wanted to beat to death, he was so cruel. Anyway I knew then that she was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Two years later she left him and I started to date her. Two yrs. later we got married and it was 25 yrs in April.
Anyway the point I'm trying to make is that besides the 5 kids we had, we took in another five foster kids. I had to work one job just to buy groceries. But lately I've been thinking that I have always suffered from this wounded dove syndrome. I make it my responsibility to try and save people. This girl I'm crushin on now, dad was a good friend of mine. I promised him on his death bed that I would look out for her. I hate myself that I let me fall in love with her. | |
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Tramp
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Joined: 2/8/2007
Msg: 28 | |
| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 9:18:42 AM | | Laker, give it a try, see how it feels. Would you be able to stand the guilt? | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 9:50:26 AM | Have to tell you....I LOVED this reply!......If only all of us women could end up with a man like this! | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 9:55:19 AM | Crap!...I meant dashriprock's reply!
OP.....I think another member mentioned the guilt. I think if you were to follow your body's desire and have an encounter, you'd be in a worse situation than you are now. Its obvious you still lover her.......the guilt would probably feel a whole lot worse than just the constant thought of sex. For myself, I could never seek an encounter-guess that's what toys are for....or in a man's case - his hand.
And I agree with whoever mentioned not getting your daughter involved. The ramifications further down the road aren't worth it. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 9:58:09 AM |
I have been posting at ask a girl, about having a crush on a loser. What I did'nt say there was that I've been married for 25 years. Things were alright until my wife's health went downhill. It has thrown me into a mid-life crisis of sorts. As soon as I mention that I'm married everyone just assumes that I'm an A-hole, maybe Iam. But until you have been where Iam now, dont be so quick to judge. My wife has always had alot of health issues, she was my best friend and we did everything together. She lost 80% of her eye sight about 3 years ago, but we still managed to carry on. Then about a year ago she was in an accident and her back was broke in 3 places. She's suppose to be in a wheelchair, which she refuses, and keeps trying to walk with 2 canes. The point I'm trying to make is there has'nt been any imtimate contact between us since her fall. I take care of her now and I'm happy to do it, she would do the same for me. I have been a good and faithful husband for 25 years. But lately all I can think about is intimate contact. It's on my mind 24/7 and I've started fantasing about the other singles in my life. Long showers arnt working any more. I was told couseling would help, they gave me all kinds of anti-depressants that did'nt work, and the telling me that I should'nt think about it did'nt work. Our daughter wants to take me out and hook me up, but I dont think I could take the guilt. She means well. I dont know how much longer I'm even going to keep living like this. Maybe I'm being selfish. I know if the table were turned my wife woul'nt even have these issues. And it's not even toatally about sex. She's on so many pain killers that does'nt even seem like her any more. There's no hugging, kissing, or foreplay like activty, there's just nothing. We once disscussed that if either one of us got like this, it would be alright if the other discreetly took take of things. Now that the time has come she's indicated that would surely kill her. I dont think I could take the guilt either. The instructions at the beginning of this thing said no pity-partys if this is what it is, I'm sorry. Just thought as many people that read here, somebody might have a clue. At least I got it off my chest.
Ummm..since this unlikely to a LONG-TERM issue...what's your point?
After a suitable period of mourning...move on w/ your life...
Or put your spouse in an extended care facility...and move on...
Simple solutions for a simple problem | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 10:16:09 AM |
Yeah, REAL simple.
Isn't it?
It's likely you've already made your decision...
What do you need...somebody to tell you that you made the "right one?" | |
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Tramp
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Joined: 2/8/2007
Msg: 34 | |
| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 10:17:12 AM | So, Laker, which one do you love?
It seems to me you have already cheated on your wife, for 18 years; today you are in love with the one who can give you what you cannot have home.
Pick the one whom you can give the most. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 10:24:18 AM | | Yes, Tramp has a good point with the 18-year old relationship with the "train wreck." | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 12:10:38 PM | | I looked at your profile to read about you and to find out your age. You are still a young man with many years ahead of you- you also say you are not religious but in your situation, a little faith would be good for you. Depending on whom you would feel comfortable talking to, minister, priest, I think it would be a good idea to get some advice from the proper person. I don't judge people because at the end of our lives, we meet the Final Judge so all I can say to you is to say a few prayers and keep busy doing things such as volunteering and possibly joining a group in your position or reading a book that could help you. Good luck! | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 12:43:25 PM | Ok, I've been in a similar situation. First, don't listen to people that haven't walked in your shoes. The ol' "sickness and in health" thing is for a marriage. When you no longer have a marriage and everyone know the things that really make a marriage, then the sickness and health thing goes right out the window. My situation, I was caring for an adult child, for which i did faithfully for 6 years. Now, you might not like my answer, but here is what I did. Put him in an assisted living, got a divorce and walked. I had already raised 4 kids, wasn't up for another. Sounds cold, but if you haven't walked here, don't talk here. My mental and physical health has improved
100%, He is happy and I am happy and my kids are happy. Not only were my kids watching him as a child, they were watching their mother go down and down and down. Not healthy for them either (even tho they're grown). Laker, you need to do what's BEST for you and her, not what people think is right!. There ya go. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 12:59:44 PM |
Ok, I've been in a similar situation. First, don't listen to people that haven't walked in your shoes. The ol' "sickness and in health" thing is for a marriage. When you no longer have a marriage and everyone know the things that really make a marriage, then the sickness and health thing goes right out the window. My situation, I was caring for an adult child, for which i did faithfully for 6 years. Now, you might not like my answer, but here is what I did. Put him in an assisted living, got a divorce and walked. I had already raised 4 kids, wasn't up for another.
Quite different, a physical handicap than a mental one. If it was merely a physical one, I'm sure you would have gotten help at home with the ex, if the love was there, or maybe not, as everyone is different. It is one thing if the marriage is gone downhill and then an accident happens, or mental deterioration, or if the marriage was happy up to that point... Again JMO | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 6:19:58 PM | | I myself have a life-long disability, so I know of which I speak. Stop using your Web access for perusing singles sites, and start using it to better your marriage. Do a Web search for an appropriate disability support group/organization (blind, spinal cord injury, etc.) Every Disability/Illness has an organization nowadays, both online and in real life. Then you & your spouse should start going to their meetings; (Most disability groups also have literature specifically on the topic of intimacy/sexuality. ) Other folks affected by the same situation/illness are a tremendous source of emotional support; Disability organizations have access to the latest info on therapies & treatments (Sadly, your doc may not be up on these things) ; alternative therapies that don't involve mind-numbing drugs are available nowadays. I personally found yoga, water aerobics & massage therapy to be more effective treatment s for pain than pills ever were. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 9:48:39 PM | I'm quite surprised you have not been attacked by the ultra naysayers here. Kinda proud of the people who have actually kept close to the topic!
I'd forget about pursuing ladies in a public forum. If you'll concentrate on your's and her situation then it will work itself out. The depression and anxiety is real and is a result of the situation. I'm against the use of drugs to control those things as they do nothing to fix the problem but more like just keep you screwed up enough that you don't feel the effects of the symptoms. The reason for the depression is that something isn't right so your body is producing chemicals which elicit the responses you are feeling. So, actually, it's the situation and not you that is the problem. You can't fix her. You can fix your situation and get social support and comfort with others who can empathize rather than sympathize by finding a support group. If you happen to meet a lady there with a compatible situation and you hit it off then hooray! If not, then you'll at least have people you can share with and possibly find other alternatives. You certainly do not need to feel like you've lost all hope. There's plenty of ways and places to overcome the dilemma. As with many other situations that lead to emotional distress there will be a time of healing. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/14/2007 1:07:10 AM | First, I don't think anyone NOT in the *exact* same situation can judge (not that that's our job in any case). What ever you decide is going to devolve on what you believe you can live with, for the rest of your life.
As for depression plus sexual needs: see if you can't get your Doctor to prescribe one of the SSRIs -- that should take care of both. . . .
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/14/2007 1:46:44 AM | Read all posts, and my vote's on message from 'dashriprock' "Yes....you are. And may I remind you that twenty five years ago....you stood at an alter with your wife....back when she was young, vibrant, and beautiful in her wedding gown.....looking directly into your eyes when you said...."IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH".......That was what she relied upon you for..... And I would hope that you would be a man of your word....because your wife doesn't need a selfish man right now.....she COUNTED on you being a HERO.....She counted on you MEANING what you said..... and I think that's what you need to be........instead of wallowing about what you're not getting......this is the EXACT time to show that woman that she was right when she picked you......... Because she DID pick you.... you should feel HONORED to be the one to help love her through this....this is your ultimate TEST in life.....THIS is where you prove how much of a man you really are.......The GOOD times were always easy......NOW is the REAL time to love her.......
Now snap out of it...and GET TO WORK!!"
This man doesn't try to be a 'day time soap' counselor, he just tells it like it is. Bravo !! | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/14/2007 5:03:36 AM |
But lately I've been thinking that I have always suffered from this wounded dove syndrome. I make it my responsibility to try and save people.
So why not continue 'suffering' supporting your wife instead of 'suffering' trying to fix yet another?
I guess I'm really disappointed how so many can justify divorce depending on circumstances. Circumstances are relative to each and every one of us. Anyone can make issues out of any topic to claim their miserable state. My spouse is too fat, my spouse is too lazy, my spouse doesn't make enough money, my spouse isn't affectionate enough, my spouse isn't healthy enough, my spouse isn't, isn't, isn't. When are we as a people going to say my spouse is my spouse and my love for her transcends anything life can throw at me?
My mother declined for several years and died a very slow death from diabetes and my father stood by her the whole time and I never ONCE heard a complaint from him! A few visits from hospice now and then else he tended to her in their home until she passed away. It's not your spouse that has a problem, it's you. Love goes beyond circumstances and IMO your problems aren't even tied to the health of your spouse. There are professionals that can help/assist in time of need. Have you pursued anything along these lines or are you just too busy thinking with your other head? Several on here have gone without sex for years but I would have to assume you still have a level of intimacy that several of us haven't had for some time so appreciate what you DO have instead of being focused on what you don't.
And as far as you falling in love with this other woman? Nah. You've lost touch with what it means to be in love. It sounds like your frustrations are driving you, not feelings of love. Pull yourself out of the ME Generation logic that has gripped so many in this country and discover how good it feels to 'be there' for the one you dedicated your life to. Til death do us part. Why do we even bother saying ANY vows at weddings? Which type of man are you going to be? You will be the one to decide. The chips are down. It's time to play your cards. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/14/2007 10:03:39 AM |
message from 'dashriprock' "Yes....you are. And may I remind you that twenty five years ago....you stood at an alter with your wife....back when she was young, vibrant, and beautiful in her wedding gown.....looking directly into your eyes when you said...."IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH".......That was what she relied upon you for..... And I would hope that you would be a man of your word....because your wife doesn't need a selfish man right now.....she COUNTED on you being a HERO.....She counted on you MEANING what you said..... and I think that's what you need to be........instead of wallowing about what you're not getting......this is the EXACT time to show that woman that she was right when she picked you......... Because she DID pick you.... you should feel HONORED to be the one to help love her through this....this is your ultimate TEST in life.....THIS is where you prove how much of a man you really are.......The GOOD times were always easy......NOW is the REAL time to love her.......
I can understand the difficult time you are going through right now, OP. But the above bears repeating...again........... | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/14/2007 10:21:59 AM | I dont know why people think I have'nt taken my vows seriously, it's been 25 yrs. and I have'nt ever cheated on my wife, not ever. She is and has always been my best friend. She keeps having these little mini-strokes they call TIA's. Plus she has a bad heart. Shes too weak for any kind of surgery. She had a bad spell the day I started this thread. Now she can bearly move or speak. There is nothing any medical doctor can do, we've been to many. All of the alternitive things cost money we dont have cause insurance wont cover it. On top of all that we have 3 great grand kids in the house for an undetermined amount of time cause there mom had a mental break down. My wife keeps saying that all she wants to do is stay alive long enough to see the kids have a good Christmas. She also can'nt ride in a car, cause of the broken back. I had triple by-pass and I'm working myself to mental exhaustion every day.
My lonliness just aint physical. She takes so much pain meds that she just is'nt the same person.
My problem is I cant stand to be alone. We have never been apart except when one of us is in the hospital. She sleeps 16 hours aday and is grogy all the time she is awake.
Our insurance pays for a woman to come 5 hours a day to help me. The only one me and my wife trusted enough to come in is the girl I been crushin on. Up until a few years ago she was like a neice to me. Theres nothing to worry about where she is concerned, cause she loves my wife so much. Besides I'm too old and fat for her to give a second look. She likes junkies, losers, alcoholics, and abusers anyway.
Her deal is that she was brutally attacked and sexually assaulted when she was 17 and ever since she's had trouble with drugs and alcohol, and promiscuity. That could be just a cop-out on her part, but home life growing up was'nt so great either. And if I ever get the chance to try to make her life better or try to protect her from herself I will probably give it a try. But I would never ever approach her as long as I'm married. This girl is so good to us and has been a life saver to me for years. I feel guilty all the time just about my thoughts let alone ever having the courage to act on them. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/14/2007 10:54:10 AM | | I believe the OP is going through a mourning process. Even though his wife is till alive, the woman he once knew is gone. Perhaps some widows or widowers could give him some words of solace. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/14/2007 1:10:48 PM | I don't mean to be blunt here but if she's having TIA's, chances are she'll have a major stroke and will either end up in God's hands or in a hospital/nursing facility. Being a youngish widow, I suggest you appreciate every darn day you have with her-no matter what! When she's gone, you may feel guilty for having the thoughts you do now. Yes its a tough time, but you know in your heart its not going to last forever. When I read the first thread you started here, I thought it was something that would go on for a long time (broken back) but with the TIA's and bad heart, it no longer sounds like that.
My husband had his 1st TIA on a Sun night and had a major stroke 3 days later at home. He was brain dead by the 4th night and we took him off life support on the 5th day. At the time, I would have gladly kept him on life support and taken care of him myself (if need be) just to spend more time with him. It was against his wishes and would only have made things harder though.
So eventhough its a difficult time, remember all of the good times that you two had and appreciate what you still have-a wife who really needs you and 3 grandkids! Its also important to tell her you love her and before leaving her each day to say 'goodbye' in your heart. If possible, try to fully prepare yourself - as much as you can - for being alone. Its a horrible feeling to wonder "why didn't I say this" to her/him or "why didn't I say that?" after the fact. I consider myself lucky that we got to say goodbye-not everyone does.
HR | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/14/2007 1:17:23 PM | | OP - in a forum such as this you will always receive varying opinions. What's important........is to not let them influence you. No one said life was easy and there are times the decision to be made. Has to be made alone. Good luck to you. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/14/2007 4:08:07 PM | dashiprock's post really hit home for me. I was sifting through the replies that followed his, but couldn't get past my need to put in my two cents.
I am the daughter of a man who did not fully honor his wedding vows when his wife (my mother) got sick with cancer for the final time. Though he had been there for her physically, financially, emotionally, through the first and second scares, he withdrew almost completely when he was told that this last time it was terminal. Though he had always been a workaholic, he at least was home every night and on the weekends too. In the last months he left it up to me - the oldest at home - to keep the household running, looking after my mom, my brothers, and my schoolwork too. My teen years were virtually empty of fun, and full of responsibility, mainly because of my father's lack of same, but also because I, for one, would not let my mother down in her time of need.
I never forgave my father for what he did to my mother. He didn't cheat on her, at least not that we are aware of - he traveled around the world on business and was very handsome! But he let her down when she needed him the most!!
You promised to love, honour, etc., along with "in sickness and in health. Please do not look elsewhere for sexual gratification. In doing so you will not only be cheating on your wife, but dishonoring her too. Can you live with that?
She is still in the land of the living, but you are acting as if she has died already!! | |
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