| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/14/2007 7:11:34 PM | Well OP if you really want to mess up your life beyond redemption, grab a free candy bar- these are not decisions that are in need of discussion- anything you do will probably not affect your wife- she has other problems, but you have to live with the lie if you choose to..
Anything can be rationalized away, we had a president who did exactly that- but anyone of moral fiber knows that instantaneous gratification will not last and only lead to other excesses.. but you have already made the decision, and it appears to me you are just looking for acceptance.. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/15/2007 12:17:27 AM | Op...Every circumstance is different. I cannot advise or counsel you. All I can do is hope and pray you do cherish each last remaining moment you have with this woman.
I was there once. I promised to be by his side...and I was. I was not his wife, but we loved each other. I was his love and his companion.
His friends came to me to express their gratitude for me remaining by his side until the end. It was not easy. But 14 years later I can still remember those last few moments of quiet intimacy (and not sexual) we spent together. I would just be sitting by him and every so often he would wake up to turn and look to see if I was still there.
Your choice. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/15/2007 3:14:13 AM | OP - My heart goes out to you. You are just being human. Remember that taking care of yourself is of prime importance so you can take loving care of your wife.
I have seen this many times, maybe not about sex, but about a caregiver spouse being overwhelmed and becoming depressed. For my mother it was just not having freedom to go to garage sales with her sister. I arranged for a local nursing home to care for my father for 5 hour segments so she could do so.
One of my best friends, at age 30, got scleroderma which hardened her body. I will never forget her telling me she thought polygamy would be good idea. If her husband could marry another woman, that wife could help run the house and care for my friend and provide the sex the young husband needed. It made so much sense. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/15/2007 3:46:49 AM | OP I think you should try counseling again. Perhaps you might have better luck with a different one than you tried before. You don't need drugs, in my opinion, you need talk-therapy, like a psychologist. Someone to listen, validate and not judge like we here on the forums might. You DO need to talk about your feelings to someone. Don't give up, there is help available. God bless. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/15/2007 4:30:01 AM | I like the advice to stop looking for a new "Dove" to rescue, and tend to your first Love
(Dove) . In your mind you rescued your wife. But in truth it took her two years to leave her first husband to eventually be with you. She made the decisions for her life, as will your infatuation make hers. That is her life, and yes she is self distructing, but it will be her decision to fix things, and nothing you do will bring her to that point.
You say this younger woman loves your wife, and wouldnt be involved with you , even if you pursued it. She is not interested in you in that way, face and get over it.
Your wife needs you now, and it sounds like she does not have much more time on this earth. As others said talk to her, support her, let her know you love her. Do not make demands on her about your unfullfilled desires. If you can get yourself back to the close emotional relationship you once shared, I am sure through comfort and support for her, you will also get the affection you crave. It sounds like you are distancing yourself from the woman you fell inlove at first sight with , 25 years ago, when she needs you most, because you are obsessing on another.
Seek support from people living what you are living now, find a group to talk with other individuals going through the same thing. They will understand what you are going through, much more than we possibly could. They are also living this now, real time, and will know what to say and how to help.
Caregiving to the sick is very difficult, you have to put all your needs aside, I sympathize with you in that. You need to take some time to yourself, but not in the arms of another woman.
Your daughter says she wants to help you "hook-up" but infact , if you did this she would more than likely be disapointed in her father, in the end. Show her and your wife, the man you have always been in their eyes, the loyal husband and dad.
Good luck,
I hope your poor wife does not have to suffer physically too much,
dont make her emotional suffering worse than it has to be. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/15/2007 6:24:10 AM | Wow Summer! Very very wise words indeed!
OP? If you take anything at all away from this thread, heed Summer's advice! | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/15/2007 7:56:41 AM | You guys have been so kind. Dont think I have'nt listened to everything you guys have said. And maybe I got in the wrong forum to talk about this, but it's hard to find places where people my age dominant the talk.
The worse feeling is one of helplessness, I cant find a way to win the biggest battle of my life. No matter what I do, in the end I'm going to lose.
The 2 people I care about the most are dying. One is fighting for every minute and the other is throwing hers away and I cant do anything for either one of them.
My wife knows of my other feelings, women are so intuitive, they always know, and she's one of the best.
She's even told me that when she's gone to stay away from this girl, cause she would only hurt me and leave me broke and in more pain. So it means even as sick as she is, she still wants to protect me. Which makes me love her even more.
I had to take some things over to this girl's house yesterday and she was so sick and strung out, it just broke my heart. But this time I did'nt say anything, I figure she's just got to be on her own, I've too many problems of my own to deal with her anymore.
Thanks for all the help,
Laker | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/15/2007 9:53:07 AM | | Yeah, I would really listen to the wife on this one, you are not going to fix anyone- they have to want to be well to begin with.. I wasted a good chunk of my life thinking that I could love away the problems- what a joke, and I was left worse off for it.. change your locks.. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/15/2007 10:18:38 AM | | OP I think you have made such a wise decision, as has your wife! Please dedicate yourelf to the good lady you have been with for so many years for whatever time she has left. You will make her leaving this world so much better for her. As far as the other lady goes? Forget her. She doesn't want/need your help. Once your true lady has passed on, allow yourself time to grieve. You do not always have to be others saviour! Take time for yourself, get to know yourself, be strong. God bless you in what you havbe to endure. Best of everything. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/15/2007 10:25:26 AM | | I just went through burying the mother of a close friend after a long illness. It is very controlling situation. We came to the point of not even wanting to go to the hospital to see her and became anxious for the end. I can understand your mood and situation. One thing for sure, you feel the need for companionship and miss having someone and the life you've known. Getting involved with the girl who is helping is very very tempting. If you do that it may be some relief but I can promise you that given the alcohol, drugs, and promiscuity you are setting yourself up for even more heartbreak and pain later that you've never experienced before. I've been involved with ladies who were drug abusers. Thank God it didn't go anywhere either time. They are so dependent yet will not reciprocate the compassion and dedication you have. You can not be their savior because their dependency will not allow it. You would best put some distance between you and her and in the worst case, not let it go further than friendship...or even, just use her and be selfish only to protect yourself from the pain she can inflict on your emotions. You are very vulnerable emotionally at this point. Don't let it control you. Keeping a clear head and making any kind of decision in your state can be very dangerous to your future. Don't even think about making financial decisons or helping someone financially. It is just too easy to screw up when you are having problems handling your own emotions and situation. You have a problem, you know it, and you have to deal with that first and foremost. Concentrate on yourself and how you're going to handle the final days with your wife. You'll have plenty of time for relationships and sex in the near future...it will take some time for healing of your emotions. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/15/2007 6:03:28 PM | There is no shame or guilt due for the feelings you have. It's only what you do that matters. Your post indicates your vows and personal integrity are important to you.
I can only suggest the immortal words of George Burns,
"I intend to keep on having sex as long as I have the strength to hold up the magazine". | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/15/2007 7:03:47 PM | | I agree with happyrebel- msg 50....I was probably wrong in what I said before and I do apologize for my hasty comment. My father-in-law had several of the small mini strokes..and several months later had a major one which caused hemorraging in his brain..he passed away about 8 hrs after his last stroke. I lost my husband suddenly 4 yrs ago, when he was shot. I never got the chance to say goodbye, or be there for him when he took his last breath. It's not easy when you loose the one you love... I'm sorry that your going through such a hard time-in that department-...but she won't be here forever and I just hope you will make the best of what time you do have left with her. You have the rest of your life to explore other options with no guilt feelings then. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/15/2007 7:11:26 PM | | One of the greatest problems the human race has is there are not any ways taught on how to handle such situations. This leaves us to our best opinions & choice.....You have to reach back & find your own, no one on this site or any other place can make the choices you have around you....Some will be viewed as improper & some will be praised....It is your mind that you have to deal with....Take your facts & be honest with yourself & make those tough decisions......I hope all work out to the best ~ Be Safe Jr_Senator | |
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