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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/16/2007 3:49:44 AM | So to summarise the responses:
1/ The general consensis is that a f*ck buddy is a really bad plan. A "Friend with Benifits" would be a better idea if I was going down that road.
2/ If I was to get a "Friend with Benifits", the odds are good that one of us would develop feelings for the other and want a relationship which the other party may not want.
3/ I should take time out (again!) and try to sort my head out before starting to date again.
4/ I should try to make female friends and see what happens between us.
That is pretty much it isn't it? I havn't missed anything big out there have I?
Responses
1/ Gotchya
2/ Ok, probably best IF I decide to go that route.
3/ Maybe, but taking time out just makes me worse. I get more lonely & depressed that ALL of my mates have partners and are enjoying life. Have to think about that.
4/ Always trying, but few women want to be my mates - they always seem to assume that I want a one night stand - something that I detest the very idea of BTW, hence why "taking time out & enjoying yourself" never works for me. I don't go for the whole "random hookup to get satisfied" thing. Also why I would never even consider a hooker.... besides the whole "legality" issue.....
Anybody got anything else to add?  | |
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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/16/2007 4:03:55 AM | have you ever in your life had a buddy that fu#*ed you? it hurts doesnt it? thats all youre setting yourself up for in that arena. somewhere along the way, when you introduce sex to the equation, someone invests their feelings and you have a disaster. either you get hurt or someone else does.
dont you end up with an empty feeling after sex without a vested emotional attachment? i hate to say this, but. buy a toy. | |
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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/16/2007 4:42:47 AM | Also just remember, if your looking for the "One" and you are engauged in a ****buddy relationship, you will be distracted to the point of not even noticing what could possibly be the best relationship you may ever have at the expence of short term satisfaction. I think this is a topic whish is there to test us, test our patience to wait for the one with a clear concience.
Steve. | |
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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/16/2007 12:53:25 PM | Naw, don't do it. Especially if you're thinking about doing it to avoid getting hurt. You can get just as hurt in a FWB or **** buddy or lover situation as you can in a real dating situation (or somebody else gets hurt, and that's no fun either). It actually takes being a tougher person emotionally to handle those kinds of relationships. It's not for everyone. I can't say I haven't enjoyed them (one was fine, when both of us had plans to move out of town to different places in a few months, and we weren't interested in finding lots of lovers anyway, and weren't at a place in our lives where we could start a real relationship with anyone), but it doesn't really substitute for a real relationship.
There are so many ways for them to not work out too, and it seems ridiculously difficult to hit the right window of comfort:
- you could both start out interested in fwb, and then one person develops an attachment, and pines. It sucks to be the person pining. It sucks to be the person who doesn't have the feelings but knows it's hurting the other person.
- you could both not have feelings for each other and the sex as a result sucks. And the relationship as a whole makes you feel slightly uneasy.
- you could have fantastic sex, and then get kind of dependent on it, and not want to lose it, and you subconsciously close yourself off to finding a real relationship, and with the fantastic sex, eventually someone gets attached.
- You can't really talk about the relationship with other people in general, so it winds up feeling like a dark secret. And this person is like a secret person. This is hard for me, because a common conversation starter I get is "what did you do on the weekend." I can say something vague like I hung out with a friend, but it feels like I'm lying. I guess part of this happens in a real relationship too, because you don't go around saying "I spent my weekend having sex with my boyfriend" either, and wind up say something vague anyway. But at least it's not like a big secret.
In the end, it's way easier to say "don't do it" than to actually not do it. But if you haven't started yet, then it might be pretty easy not to start, unless you have someone specifically offering that to you now, and then you have to say no. It's like playing with fire though when you start. | |
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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/16/2007 1:25:41 PM | lol Eternity....
"a/ Me not being lonly ....do u need sex to not feel alone?
b/ Me getting some...sex seem to be all you want?
c/ Me not having yet another head **** in a relationship.....if all you want from a relationship is sex then its no wonder your relationships take a dive...sorry but women want more than just good sex in a relationship. | |
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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/16/2007 2:22:24 PM | a/ No, just companionship
b/ Well I would like some more than once every 18 odd months, but it isn't a priority in a relationship
c/ I just want a "good" relationship, not having headf*cks in them. I don't just sex from a relationship, but they usually take a dive reagardless of what I do, so... what TO do?? | |
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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/16/2007 2:27:48 PM | Casual isnt the way though...sure u have been unlucky...join the club!!!
casual will leave you feeling very empty inside and how will that help?
Plus any decent woman when she does come along...will pass u by...because u'll be too busy with ur **** buddy | |
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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/16/2007 2:46:48 PM | Frankly, it doesn't sound like you are "relationship-ready".
My feeling is that guys who are still able to make it without resorting viagra, are not likely to be happy unless they have some "activity" on a weekly basis or the prospect of something that they are working on in their lives. The hunt can be much fun ... but celibacy, or being anti-social where women are concerned (they guy who mentioned hookers), are both lousy choices IMHO.
Women seem able to be happy abstaining from intimacy for longer periods of time than guys, but tend to fall harder when they do decide to go for it.... and they often have difficulty getting "unstuck" once they do fall... I think it is a difference resulting from our different social learning - or possibly there is something genetic involved.
This said, some women will only consider starting off slowly. Often this means they want great friendship, without hardcore XXX intimacy to start. If a guy can learn to enjoy relating to women without hardcore XXX -- then he may have come a long way toward being more of the sort of person who is relationship-ready... Why not try making some more female friends? | |
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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/17/2007 3:27:29 PM | goddesss13, misssmilz, indiallias, you all make interesting points.
I have found that it can work very well, if and only if, you can keep your head above water, so to speak. Being friends with a person but not having all the headf**k of a relationship is a great way to care for them & enjoy the benefits; after all it's not trying to substitute a relationship.
Do what feels right & don't delude yourself or anyone else :o) | |
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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/17/2007 4:13:10 PM | | Eternity, I've had the same "buddy" for 11 yrs now. I know he's safe and I don't sleep with anyone else unless i'm in a relationship. When we're dating someone we don't get together but if we're both unattached it's whenever or not at all. That's the beauty of having a "buddy", you don't HAVE to have sex if you don't feel like being bothered. LOL I know this kind of relationship can't work for everyone but it does for us because we set the rules up front long ago. Of course after all this time together we're close and we do say I love you but we both know what each other means by that and there's no hassles. I know he's a phone call away if I need him. He's even there whenever I need a shoulder or an occasional drink but we don't make it a habit and that's fine. I guess it just depends on what you can handle and if rules can be followed. It's definately not for everyone. | |
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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/17/2007 4:46:13 PM | | Chelsea ^^^^ I disagree, for those who don't have time to date or find a suitable mate for a LTR relationship due to child rearing, fear of intimacy, or work schedules, or who just want their space, an FWB relationship is easier to find and more than likely fits the bill for most women today that want one. Sword | |
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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/18/2007 6:46:09 AM | | I'm able to do the f-buddy thing just fine. People who say it doesn't work shouldn't generalize the population as a whole. Not all of us girls are so emotional that we fall in love with everyone we have sex with. | |
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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/18/2007 8:53:39 AM | BTW I should say "exclusive **** buddies" cos I don't sleep around with more than one person at a time & would not want my partner to.
Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. THe whole point of F**k buddies is that it's a "no strings attached" situation; you have no say-so in who the other person is seeing/sleeping with/dating. You can't demand sexual exclusivity, because that in itself IS a string/condition.
Speaking from my own experience....this is a BAD BAD BAD idea. Sooner or later, someone always gets hurt. It's difficult at times to be physically intimate for so long without developing an emotional attachment as well. I'm not saying it happens every time, and it may take longer to develop that attachment, but once it's there, the idea of them sleeping with you but being free to be with other people is sickening. You wind up feeling used, and you could potentially pass up on some great people because you are wasting your time with someone who doesn't really want to be with you. So don't go that route unless you are really prepared for the consequences. Stuff like that is well in good when you're young and out to have a good time, but as you get older, it becomes sort of empty.
Dating-wise, my advice is not to jump into things too quickly--are you the type of guy who falls in love after just a few dates, or a month?I know a lot of guys who are like this, and they are the usually the ones who get hurt the most--they expect too much too soon and don't take the time to really get to KNOW the person they are with. Just don't go into a dating situation with too many expectations--don't measure every woman you're with as being your next potential girlfriend. Just relax and have some fun getting to know the person with no expectations other than to have a good time with someone you really like.
Good luck!
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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/18/2007 9:21:48 AM | The FB relationship works just fine, but you really need to be able to honestly communicate, establish ground rules, and STICK to them.
I've had a few over the years, and they have been wonderful...right people, right place, and right time in my life...but I was never dillusional, I had no say in this persons life, and they had absolutely no say in mine. If they decided to share things about their day to day life - great...but I would never pry.
I found that in times of stress, it was best to stay away from the **** buddies.
And finally, you have to routinly remind yourself that you are seeing this person on their best behaviour...you arent seeing the regular lifes problems that we all deal with...so dont go comparing them to others. | |
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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/18/2007 9:55:25 AM | OP, a suggestion:
When you find a candidate for this kind of buddy then show her your post here. If she agrees with your proposal then problem solved. But be prepared to perhaps find a whole new can of relationship worms to deal with.
If she doesn't agree, then I'll wager that you'll learn a lot from her response. | |
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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/18/2007 10:08:48 AM | Tell you what mate Ive had all the things you had done and the last person I gave my heart to I cant get back i havent been in relationship for a year now and because I wanted to get over my ex i slept with any thing in trousers (no including women) it finally didnt help but I just have **** buddies now and its great cos you dont get hurt. Mind you sometimes you have to be drunk or stoned to have no regrets. | |
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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/18/2007 10:09:02 AM | my2cntsin...is a pretty good 2 cents worth, I so agree.
I was beginning to wonder if there were any one out there other than FWB
, (guys who know how to date or court anymore) Believe it or not if you hang in there long enough there are a few of them left and it is a good feeling, The FWB gets kind of old after a while when you realize it is or never will go any where other than a quick fix, or out of the bed-room.
The friend part is good but the benifit part actually makes one feel guilty after a while, (like me I had to end it if I wanted to go on loving my self, and look for a real relationship.
OP you are still young so hang in there and wait until you find someone you have real feelings for. | |
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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/18/2007 10:13:57 AM | First off, I think you should let go the F Buddy and Friends with Benefits concepts. I don't think those are your problems and definitely not your solutions. Just reading your posts say something different. "...I have been cheated on, lied to & stolen from". Just one issue isn't that bad but all together is pretty rough. It pretty much says that the women you are meeting aren't that interested in you and they definitely don't respect you or even care about you or they wouldn't do those things. But from what you have said, I would have to say it is as much your fault as theirs. I mean what in the world are they stealing from you. I have went on many dates and no one has ever stole from me.
"3/ Maybe, but taking time out just makes me worse. I get more lonely & depressed that ALL of my mates have partners and are enjoying life. Have to think about that."
You can't expect others to fix your loneliness. You have to fix that on your own. You have to be able to be alone sometimes and be ok with it. If not, you will get in relationships and the women will think you are too clingy and it will chase them off. You have to be able to give them the gift of missing you, instead of you just missing them all the time and they could care less.
You also mention female friends that discuss their friends with benefits arrangements with you. I have to ask why don't they have that arrangement with you? Something to think about.
I checked your profile and it mentions something about an all day date. You might change that to a shorter first date. Then if the date goes well, you can always do more stuff later. You seem like a nice guy just looking for a nice girl. I hope you aren't super picky on looks because you might be passing up the perfect girl who's already in your life. | |
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| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/18/2007 11:42:33 AM | | OH MY GOD! THATS ALL I CAN SAY! WE ARE DOOMED IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE HERE ON THIS GOD FORSAKEN PLANET....! I GUESS IF ONE THING DON'T KILL US OFF THE OTHER WILL... | |
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go97
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Joined: 11/25/2007
Msg: 50 | |
| Fuck Buddies/Casual Relationships: Advice Please
Posted: 12/18/2007 11:53:56 AM | Haaahhaha what a joke..sex is a primal urge..forget all this moral do gooder advice and get it anyway you can. There are/will be always periods in one's life when Deep and Meaningful is not working out....I wonder why there a re so many ladies of the night around ahahahahha  | |
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