| Shattered heart
Posted: 12/21/2007 8:51:33 AM | | no i didn't do this to myself...she was the first love...it's the same with anyone...you don't get over them...i had to accept that he loved her b/c it is a part of him. the only difference from 10 yrs ago is that she is more in the picture. and the kids have nothing to do with it. don't shame on me...i wouldn't give my kids up for anything in the world. and i didn't give my life completely over to him...he never let me know a lot of this til just now...and i am not cussing god by this...and HE is not the he i was talking about. | |
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| Shattered heart
Posted: 12/21/2007 8:59:06 AM | | there are always 2 sides to this story...and no i didn't have anyone but my husband. and i didn't allow him to fornicate...he had a choice and he made the wrong one....if i misunderstood what you said sorry...i don't really know why he did what he did...i don't understand it at all | |
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| Shattered heart
Posted: 12/21/2007 9:05:34 AM | | this is co-dependancy at its best, the fact that he was in love with his first love has wittled down your self-esteem. Now he's gone you like, my god what am I left with? Well time to step up to the plate, look at urself in the mirror and think and say, I'm ****ing amazing its his loss... If he made the wrong chioce show him, next time you see him act as though nothing has happend, like you dont give a rats ass. Coming from a guy its pisses us off no end... Everything happens for a reason. You may not know the reason yet but you will do in time... And once you get yourself out there you'll be like, **** what the hell was I thinking with this guy... | |
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| Shattered heart
Posted: 12/21/2007 9:57:27 AM | I'm so sorry for your pain..But I would like to ask this.
How much weight did you retain after having your children?
Excessive weight is a real factor when a man thinks about desiring sex or having a relationship.
It is also a factor when a woman thinks about how she feels about herself.
Do you see yourself as a good looking ,desirabe woman?
If not, then this may be part of your self image.
The man was wrong to cheat or put anyone before his family..
But your self image is very important to you and others..
I think that you should look at yourself not only in the mirror but in your minds eye..
What do you see?
Now ask yourself what can you do to change things for the better..
Believe in yourself and work towards making your life into what you want.. | |
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| Shattered heart
Posted: 12/22/2007 11:34:49 AM | | This is a guy that has his cake and eats it too. He will always have her and can run back to you when she doesn't want him. Your his second string. Can't you see what this is doing to the kids going back and forth like this. You need a reality check. He is not going to stay with you ever as long as she is around. To him you will always come last. What sane woman would want to put up with that? Drop the loser. | |
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| Shattered heart
Posted: 12/24/2007 3:01:27 PM | You gave him unconditional love, and he gave you abandonment and heartache. Some guy! He probably hasn't even thought about this one: when you meet someone else, and you will, that other person will be raising his kids! It's not easy picking up the broken pieces of your life. It's painful because their can be no closure because of the kids. But it's your kids you have to think about. They need you whole and complete if they are going to have healthy productive lives. You are also going to need financial assitance and your "ex" is going to have to cough up child support and alimony. That's going to drive a HUGE wedge between his relationship with the "other".  So keep that in mind, and chin up, deary. The secret in rebuilding your life is in rebuilding your self-esteem. You have something of great value to give to someone else who will appreciate it and respect you. So don't keep looking behind you. Remember what happened to Lot's wife when she did? Look to the future. Ask yourself this question: where do you see yourself a year from now; 5 years from now; or even 10 years from now and start working on a plan to keep yourself moving forward so you won't stay trapped in the mud.  | |
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| Shattered heart
Posted: 1/1/2008 8:13:43 AM | first off; they were HS sweethearts, going to get married; he went into the navy met me; she went the other way...was with her gf for the same amount of time i was w/ my husband, they got into it and i offered her a place to stay...knowing she'd be there anyways...well me or my husband didn't ask her to leave and she didn't offer...things went from there...she didn't have anyone here to help her...and i am kind hearted that i will help people....
I GUESS I NEED TO ADD THIS TOO...AND HAPPY f....n new year and anniversary to me too.
he says he is sorry for all this...well i am sorry i told him because i have been in competition for 10 years with her...he wouldn't then and won't now let himself be happy...i am hurting so much. i told him that i am praying and hoping...but he says that i need to put my prayers somewhere else...i am holding on with everything that i have; and more...i have put so much into this and it seems like i have nothing in return for it. yes 3 kids...and i am grateful...besides she can't have kids...it sucks...but after all this i said i love him more than anything and still want him back. i won't get over him. i love him like he loves her...and what kills it more...is that she has a new respect for me because she knows what i am going through....no she doesn't... | |
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| Shattered heart
Posted: 1/1/2008 8:40:39 AM | Just my thoughts....
1. You're hurt, he was the love of your life.
2. He's hurt, she was the love of his life.
3. You went into the relationship with your eye's wide open. You knew about her.
4. This is a dating site. Before you date again, make sure you're ready for the commitment of a relationship. If not then you'll be as guilty as the man you love. | |
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naeco
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Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 34 | |
| Shattered heart
Posted: 1/1/2008 8:57:06 AM |
sometimes the truth isnt nice...its brutal...but its still first and foremost...the truth.
denial of the truth imprisons one...
That's true, and you can't move forward until you objectively hear what the truth is, and accept it. Sometimes it's a very, very bitter pill to swallow, especially when you are hurting, but it's necessary.
I know this doesn't help the OP much right now, but you can't let yourself get to the point where someone else is your life, except in the case of your children. It's very unhealthy, even when you are together with the person you are in love with. Love should enhance your life, not imprison you. It hurts when you break up with someone. I got divorced after being married for 12 years, and it hurt like hell. But the best part of it - the most important part - was when I realized life WILL go on without her, I WILL be alright, and there WILL always be someone else. These are things that you need to realize, too.
Also realize that you can't change how someone else feels. Once a person decides they want someone else and not you, that's the time to accept that and emotionally break away. Why let yourself fall apart over someone who doesn't care? It happens, but it's not a logical thing to do. | |
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| Shattered heart
Posted: 1/1/2008 11:19:33 AM | [he wouldn't then and won't now let himself be happy]
If he's with her, isn't that making him happy?
[they got into it and i offered her a place to stay...knowing she'd be there anyways]
Did you ask your husband first or did you just offer her your place without your husband knowing anything about it? It's too late anyway. She came and got what she wanted.
You still need to self-empower yourself. You can't have closure because there's too much going on. But you can pick yourself up and re-start your life. Yeah, it's going to be hard. Yes, there's going to be days when you feel you just can't do it. But you can. You have to, or you'll be stuck in the mud for the rest of your life. I know because I was stuck in the mud for 24 years. Yes, 24 years! And there's so much about life and living that I missed out on. I've only recently begun dating again and I must say, it's truly wonderful! So don't sit there in that leaky, sinking boat waiting for him. If he does come back, it won't be anytime soon. He may not even come back at all! Then what? You've got to find a way to live your life again, if not for the sake of yourself, then for the sake of your kids! | |
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| Shattered heart
Posted: 1/1/2008 12:00:40 PM | | It is not very east 4 y to handle what u are going through. Love is to b a beautiful thing, and when u are in the position that u are in, u first need 2 think about your kids and your life. where do u go from here? First u never let yourself down, life goes on. It is not fair to u or the kids what is going on. But u also can't b making excuses 4 him. If u knew that this woman was there b4, u knew that the time was coming when he was going 2 let u down. It will happen 2 her as well. Only a matter of time. i as a male, i know how it goes, i have an 8 year old son that i am raising on my own, love at times can be pain, and i do admit that it hurts, at one point in life we all go through this. Sometimes we can work through it, and sometimes it take forever. But only time heals that type of pain. IF U KEEP ON CHASING AFTER HIM, U WILL ONLY HURT MORE. U ar chasing after a dream, and u are giving him the satisfaction of watching u do this. DO NOT ALLOW HIM 2 C THIS. U are a beautiful woman, and although he is all that u knew all of your life, u can't let that hold u back. I know that this is not the right thing to compare your situation with, But...what if he had passed on, u would have 2 start somewhere, right? Well, when someone hurts u like he have done, there is no coming back. Trust me, it is over. U need someone 2 hold u, and say that it will b alright. Do not feel sorry 4 yourself. U have done all that u can. I am 47 years old, and i have had my share of heartaches and pain in relationships. I have never been married, because i did not want 2 ever have 2 go through a divorce. But i have been through enough pain with females. And believe me wheather u think that men do not take it hard when a woman cheats on him, well..u are wrong. We turn helpless. So if u really think that he loves u, turn and let go..he will return and then it will b too late. But do not b a fool, he thinks that no one will accept u with your kids, that's not true.....only time will tell. But b strong, there are a lot of good men out here that will take u and treat u with a lot of true love and affection. But if u continue 2 make excuses, and try 2 cling on 2 the old love that has left, u are only hurting yourself. | |
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| Shattered heart
Posted: 7/6/2008 3:49:15 PM | well just to let everyone know....
he asked me and he knew... | |
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| Shattered heart
Posted: 7/6/2008 4:46:26 PM | My heart goes out to you. You sound like you're really hurting. There is a really good book called "How to Survive the Loss of Love". You can find an Internet version of it by googling for it.
It sounds like you are in denial about losing your husband. That is has not sunk in. That you haven't accepted the reality of it. It will take time. It is unfortunate he has made the decision he has made. But maybe it reality, it is better knowing now, than many years down the road. Seek help and support if possible. Find a counsellor. It sounds like you will need help to get thru this. | |
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| Shattered heart
Posted: 7/7/2008 8:34:55 AM | Get a good lawyer. This man is playing both of you. People do get over their HS sweethearts, give me a break most of us in our middle ages can barely remember what our HS loves even looked like.
Both of you are having a tough time letting go, as your husband his love and loyalty should be too you. If you do not make a stand and get this woman out of your lives then divorce the guy. You are simply putting off the inevitable. | |
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