| Sleeping with some one on a first date
Posted: 12/21/2007 5:31:41 AM | I think i'm going to start testing a radical new theory out. You all ready for this??
Next time i find myself in a situation, i'm going to actually try just being completely honest. You know just talking about it, saying how you feel and what your concerns are. I'm just getting more and more how twisted it is, that we can have sex without talking about it first, trying to guess what the other person thinks. We have SEX, we get up close and personal, and put parts of our bodies together, and we can't even tell them what we are feeling!!! Honestly it blows my mind. How did this happen.
Even more so... why are we having sex without making sure both people want to have sex... We seem to have it that, if someone doesn't say no, it means yes. How wild would it be to actually ask if they want to have sex, to make sure they are comfortable with it? Why are we just hoping it's all good or that they will be too caught up in the moment, or are too timid to speak up..instead of wanting to know they full on want to participate in this coming together (pardon the pun, of course)? Ok i know, there are some more evolved people that do this, but i would say the majority of people are still playing the guessing game.
*shaking my head* | |
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| Sleeping with some one on a first date
Posted: 12/21/2007 5:50:15 AM | and btw, i really appreciated and agreed with your first post cunning linguist, thought your second one was a bit bitter and then found your third to be very reasonable once again. I aspire to be that kind of woman you speak of in your last post. I don't want to play games or follow rules made up by someone i don't even know if i agree with... or a bunch of someones for that matter.
I think it can be terrifying to be honest, and to be yourself and do what you want... but it is so authentic and gratifying most of the time. If it it doesn't work for the other person, then at least you know, instead of having to maintain some facade... | |
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| Sleeping with some one on a first date
Posted: 12/21/2007 11:42:06 AM | | According to the Washington Post.... and yes I have all the info to back this up... a person lies 3 times in any ten minute conversation..... usually the lie is on how the other person looks or how they feel...most of the time pleasantries mean the other person is lying..... I don't say this to be mean it is supposedly a proven fact..... So if your ona date and you already know your date is lying.... and yes you are too......ot makes it really hard to start a relationship...we alll want to be seen in our best light..when means.... saying things the other person wants to hear...Oh well..... After reading the thing about lying in the Washington Post I have made an honest effort to be GULP more honest with myself........ I may find myself lying to you but I am at least trying to stop lying to me....... I have discovered that while I would love to find the perfect LTR..... I am more than quite happy being alone..... even reluctant to pursue that LTR..... So I changed my profile to loking for friends in an affort to be more honest with myself...and the men out there seriously looking........ I also added that YOU must not be a smoker...something I thought I could over look for the RIGHT man.... but after dating a smoker...discovered it is a major issue with me........ and i do like take control men....although.....I will certainly make the first move....and then let you take control...... I hope at least for a few others this forum has been educational......it has done me a world of good. | |
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| Sleeping with some one on a first date
Posted: 12/21/2007 12:23:59 PM | I think people on this site are way to close-minded when it comes to sex, we are all adults, if you want to sleep with him on a first date...do it, you dont need our opinions or approval, I love reading these forums, but I have realized how old-fashioned some people can be.....if you like him, if it feels right....then follow your own lead, if you dont want to, dont...but be mature and quit asking for advice about it. We as women put to much thought into what society thinks, girl, listen to the song outlaw women by hank jr...and call it a good day.... | |
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| Sleeping with some one on a first date
Posted: 12/21/2007 1:02:02 PM | As much as so many people have a vitriolic aversion to them, that totally open level of honesty is pretty common in an FWB/**** buddy or casual relationship and many couples with have pretty much total honesty at every level both good and bad
But even those same people will comment that the same honesty feels harder to have in a "proper" relationship even if that blossomed out of a more casual one so it would seem to indicate the inability to be completely honest with someone is linked to the subtle differences between the two, perhaps the emotions involved, the rather deluded thought that "long term" less honesty is "better" in some way or perhaps even something more devious like people thinking that falseness will avoid things that MIGHT cause what is then a long term prospect to end prematurely which again circles around to the manipulation, plotting and planning stuff again
This isnt helped along , and is actually reinforced by what people actually get in terms of mixed signals
These are quite minor examples but everyone will have seen other variants
1)
Woman asks how she looks in an outfit telling him to be honest
Man thinks she looks yuk in it and says so
No matter how "tactfully" his response is the reaction will in most cases be a bad one
2)
Woman asks a man if he fancies a woman they see when out together
Man answers honestly that she is well do-able
No matter how "tactfully" his response is the reaction will in most cases be a bad one
3)
Woman makes a move for sex
Man isnt really in the mood or is a bit tired
No matter how "tactfully" his response is the reaction will in most cases be a bad one
Now I'm not claiming ALL women are like that on all three counts, but it does seem to be that although men and women will claim to want "honesty" it often equates to wanting "nice honesty" which doesnt even have to be honest, simply nice
And as trivial as those instances might be what they do on a subconcious level is teach someone the level and mode of communication with that person or in a particular type of situation AND that lying is not just "nice" but is pretty much subconciously expected by the other person if the answer is "wrong"
So for a couple to be totally honest with each other its a two way street but is maybe slightly more biased towards the listener who not only has to have the inner strength to accept a "bad truth" but also to not incessantly bring it up thereafter as is also often the case, or to then turn an honest answer into an arguement just because they didnt like the answer
I personally live by the philosophy that if you arent emotionally mature to accept ALL possible answers to a question then dont bother asking it to begin with, and if you say you want "honesty" try making sure that YOU are being honest when you say that
flowers from the fire, I would have mailed you privately rather than yakking on the thread but obviously couldnt lol, but not "bitter" at all, thats the problem with the typed word, that it lacks inflection or tonality. Firstly the broad spectrum of people I had in mind in that post were clients rather than people I'd been personally involved in, and secondly it is "strong" language admittedly, but the words used are about as acurate as I can think of really
As much as its often done subconciously rather than cognitively is IS still manipulation, trying to tip a power balance in someones favour, trying to set a theme to a situation and trying to ensure youre never in the position where you state your feelings first either verbally or by actions and making the status quo dictate that the other person has to first.
The problem with "softening" statements that a lot wont like to hear if they hit nerves is that they are easier to ignore and are far less likely to invoke response and therefore discussion and worst of all are VERY unlikely to cause anyone to take a step back and consider why a comment DID make them reel abd WHY it struck a nerve as thats what will often happen if someone has been subconciously doing an action that is unnavoidably layed out infront of them
irish girl in mi, I think far more than most people realise on places like this is less than honest, its self advertising showboating as a means of saying things like
"look how nice/moral/trustworthy/honest/sensitive/shrewd/open minded/genuine/generous/sexual/innocent/naive/WHATEVER I am"
But without ACTUALLY saying it at all, but merely "showing it" in text, when infact people are quite often the complete opposite or are at least not as "whatever" as they portray, but just think that what they are portraying will be infinitely more "attractive" to the unknown onlookers, one of whom might make contact as a result
Which in turn explains all the empty whinging about how people are "players", "liars", "false", "deceitful" etc on this sort of place, because even a subconciously altered projection of an innacurate self wont last long in a face to face scenario
Thats not to say its actually "lies" tho, again its moreoften the subconcious portraying what the person sees themselves as or how they would like or are trying to be, but 99% of the time a self appraisel is the least acurate one you will EVER hear as self awareness is soemthing thats in VERY short supply nowadays where negative traits, attributes or foibles are concerned as we live in the age of "its someone elses fault when anything isnt right in my life"
I often wonder how many times the "I would NEVER sleep with someone on the first date crowd have said "I've never done this before" each time they HAVE done it
But whats usually the case is people fabricate a delusion of "love" so they can, and then dont class is as merely "sleeping with someone on the first date", in their minds eye its the first day of a LOOOOOOONG relationship that rarely materialises so then they act all huffy and claim they were naive and got duped like a teenager MIGHT have been
So thats why people dont ask quite basic questions even tho they DO sleep with someone, because if they DO ask the question they might just get an answer they wont like and THEN they cant continue the delusion of them doing it for "genuine"reasons and being "nice" whilst claiming the other person was a nasty deciever, and then they morally wouldnt be able to do what they wanted to do in the first place
Its a far more elaborate and complex series of self delusions than most will realise and is rarely if ever done cognitively, but because of social double standards, stigmas and the amount of people who buy into the dross even when it conflicts with their own wants and needs its extremely common place
Which is why on places like this the people claiming to have been played are often as guilty of doing it if not more so, they just assume the other person is doing it cognitively whilst conveniently ignoring their own quite blatant measures to not derail the imagined scenario with some reality caused by asking the questions you would think SHOULD have been asked prior to undergarments ending up on he cieling fan  | |
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| Sleeping with some one on a first date
Posted: 12/21/2007 1:05:35 PM | Interestingly enough I don't see anyone mention or attempt the actual point...
If you are sleeping with them to get a commitment they ARE going to use you and run. Sex is part of passion and it is part of building a realationship, you can NOT have passion without sex nor visa-versa.
Think about it, when the passion goes, the sex goes the realationship goes too....
I personally think you need to not be so worried what others think, find someone you enjoy and learn to like yourself and be comfortable with what and who you want in life then look for someone to enjoy it with.
I find it humorous that you are looking for validation and posting the same on here and giving others to distrust and be distrustful as well. You say your post from the newspaper means that realationships are built on a lie. Well, you call it a lie, Can I suggest maybe it is more than that... maybe it is kindness or understanding, and yes.. it can even be LOVE.
You really need to take an inner look at self then readdress the question and meanings after you have figured out who you really are and what is the real reason for the actions you are getting from these men trying to give you a chance. Look for something other than sexual contact as a commitment... it isn't, it never has been and never will be. That's why they call it sex and not love and or commitment or marriage.
Good luck, it sounds to me like you have a lot of soul searching and inner honesty to explore. | |
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| Sleeping with some one on a first date
Posted: 12/22/2007 3:18:02 AM | Biaancia
Like any nunber of guys Ihave had my share of these girls. All over me one minite , making themselves scarce the next. Wanting to sleep over with me one minite but goig homw with their girlfriends, or with another guy.
No I don't like it. But I am aware of it. So I don't rely on it. I enjoy the smooching and groping , while I can. If it goes further it goes further. If it doen'st I've had fun smooching and groping. | |
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| you club him and drag him back to your cave
Posted: 12/22/2007 4:47:49 AM | | whether on the first date or the hundredth .... i want a woman to have sex with me if and because she wants sex with me and thats all.....if as soon as the deed is done we are instantly a couple or planning cohabitation i promise i will run ... becoming a couple comes from talking and agreeing thats what both people want... not from some magical agreement contrived by having sex .... women get a clue ... this is what makes men think they have to hit it and run ..... if the sex is good and i dont feel trapped i will be back for more and even open for a relationship.. no mater what stage the sex happened at | |
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| Sleeping with some one on a first date
Posted: 12/22/2007 12:59:28 PM | hey girl its not good idea to have sex on first date even though you are very interested in this person he will associate you with a booty call not a love interest plus guys usually like the chase make him work for it girl! | |
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| Sleeping with some one on a first date
Posted: 12/22/2007 1:21:00 PM |
when is it safe to sleep with a guy you are interested in
It is "safe" when you know with absolute certainty.
In other words, it never is. I would say sleep with him if you want to get laid, don't sleep with him if you don't. Don't worry so much about what he is going to do next and think more about what you want to do right now. If you want sex, screw his brains out. If you don't, then don't. | |
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| Sleeping with some one on a first date
Posted: 12/25/2007 6:07:53 PM | lol seems to me your expecting a lot from a first date
i reckon that if ur on a first date and it comes to the moment were u both wanna have sex and it seems rite then just do it.
if he doesnt call u back
then he's a jerk, and u having sex with him wudnt have changed that...it may have proved it
but a guy who u have sex with on the first date shudnt decrease his moral system, if he's a decent guy he will call u back
hope i helped. | |
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| Sleeping with some one on a first date
Posted: 12/25/2007 6:18:23 PM | Stick with oral. That way he gets half, but doesn't get it all. Everybody's happy lol. J/K.
Truthfully, you have to be prepared for the guy not to call the next if it's a first date. NOT because sex on the 1st date is WRONG, but because you haven't talked to him enough to know what kind of PERSON he is.
Some guys will still call you the next day because they're mature enough to understand that you both acted as consenting adults who gave into your sexual desires. Other men are under the impression that you "do that with everybody" and won't take you seriously.
My advice, get to know who you're dating. That way you may have a better idea as to how he'll react if such a thing should occur. Then on the other hand, sometimes you NEVER know. It's all a GAMBLE. So I'd say, if it's first date sex, go into it not expecting ANYTHING. Then if he CALLS, it's a BONUS and you can go from there. He's either INTERESTED, or he wants more sex lol. | |
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| Sleeping with some one on a first date
Posted: 12/25/2007 6:35:54 PM |
guys usually like the chase make him work for it girl!
Nah. That's game playing, which I don't like. Speaking only for myself, I'm not into games. Chasing and teasing, etc. We're both adults. Therefore, if we both want it, it should happen. If not, it shouldn't. | |
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| Sleeping with some one on a first date
Posted: 12/25/2007 7:02:07 PM | | there is no magic number of dates "when is it safe to sleep with a guy you are interested in." sex, like all other things, is specific to the individual. some guys play the double standard and think that they can f*ck on the first date, then judge the girl they f*cked...other guys aren't phased by it at all. personal morality, perception, and chemistry all play their part. i say if you want to have sex with someone, go for it, don't second guess yourself. if he has issues with your choices, then those are HIS issues, and likely you're not the best match anyways. | |
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| Sleeping with some one on a first date
Posted: 12/25/2007 7:58:28 PM | With me most of my relationships started with sex on the 1st date-If your interested & single thats not a problem. if they chose not to call back-they weren't seriously interested in the first place and wouldn't have gone on a second date anyway-if you enjoyed it too-it's not a loss. If they are interested it's only going to make that stronger. Either way one night of sex is not a commitment-that takes time-just go with your feelings and dont think that it will capture someone or drive them away-certanly dont have sex just because THEY want to.
I've been chatting to someone recently that said she wouldn't have sex for at least a year-thats the other end of the scale-and frankly it wouldn't work between us if her sex drive is that low-might be friends but thats all.
When is it safe? theres nothing to say when-no rules-guys after a casual **** will leave-guys wanting more will hang around(this goes for women too from my veiwpoint). | |
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| Sleeping with some one on a first date
Posted: 12/25/2007 8:08:19 PM | There is one strangly rarely used option. Talk honestly and openly about it all-whether they are being honset or not is the hard part to pick. | |
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| Sleeping with some one on a first date
Posted: 12/25/2007 8:58:27 PM | | As a general rule, U sleep with a guy on a first date, he will keep you around for fun but rairly will he ever take you serious. He thinks you do this on all your first dates and will think you are a little loose. Sad but true. | |
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| Sleeping with some one on a first date
Posted: 12/25/2007 9:56:53 PM | Who cares what they think? Or want?
What do YOU want? Do you want a little nukie after the first date? Tag it and bag then! If not then wait. Unless you've run across a rapist then you're set.
Happy Fishing!
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I am sure all the dom women like that idea... I thinkit is funny and cute !!! 
