|
|
|
|
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/20/2008 9:28:24 PM | klex11
Thank you so much for sharing your approach. My situation is similar to yours, it's been 10 months since I lost my husband to liver cancer. I have been struggling with who I am now.
You managed to put into words the feelings I have been struggling with. I like the thought of the lizard growing back it's tail. It will help.
Best wishes to you. | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/21/2008 10:55:32 AM | I too, lost my wife to ovarian cancer and it was and is very hard. But she wanted me to go on living and find my way in life, whatever that is. I don't know, but I am positive, upbeat and optimistic, because that's what she wanted for me.
Regards, Bob-O-Link | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/21/2008 3:58:38 PM | Shoes,
I think I understand where you are coming from. I, too, lost my husband a couple of years ago. I felt all the things you are describing and more. In the beginning I had to force myself to eat, to take a bath, or to go shopping. I still dislike going out in public alone.
People like us who lose their spouse suddenly are victims of an unspeakable horror, all our plans we made for our lives suddenly go up in smoke. The world expects us to pick up and carry on as if nothing has happened but we have to rethink everything about who we are and what we want and how we want to achieve things. It's a massive undertaking and seems an impossible task. The uncertainty, loss, frustration, anger, and pity we have for ourselves and our situation makes the task much harder and it would be so easy just to give up and let someone else make all the decisions and just tell us what to do.
I refused to give up. I refused to be a victim of his death or own misery. I gave myself permission to be sad, I learned to forgive him for being dead, and I set some goals for myself. I know I'm going to need financial independence, so I concentrated on work and getting the money situation sorted out. Then I concentrated on me, I lost some weight, had my hair done, and bought all new clothes to start my new life in. Then I concentrated on what I need from other people. I found a friend I could trust and enjoy spending time with.
Like I said, I'm not 100% there but every day that passes I feel more like myself and less like the wife of a dead man.
It's Ok to be sad, and it's Ok to be unhappy, and it's OK to be lonely. It's NOT OK to live with self doubt and pity and that is what I'm seeing in your statement. You doubt your own ability to live and to love. You said you "slap on a happy face and do what needs to be done" but you are hiding from the truth. The truth is you lost the love of the life, your heart is broken, your world is upside down and you feel sorry for yourself.
You may never get over losing your husband, but the pain will ease over time. You will never love a man exactly the same way you loved him but you will love again and it will be different and magical and wonderful, but you need to get over the part of you that died with your husband. You need to find out who you are and learn to love that person and forgive yourself for what you lost. | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/21/2008 4:32:16 PM | Hi, my name is Lola, and I am a widow too. I hate that I am but losing him is a part of who I am. I had known him since I was 11. We were married for 20 ...and in a matter of 24 hrs..my life exploded, never to resemble what had been again. It's been almost 5 yrs..I am struggling in many ways. I am blooming in others. I cannot say to you that it gets better...or I am okay...I manage..living with the fact that he will be dead for the rest of my life..I have made it to acceptance. I did numerous things in attempts to come to grips with it.
Going through the motions is a part of the whole process. I carried anger ....from the second he died..and am only seeing the anger begin to diminish now. I was robbed of my life, my future, my dreams...as were my kids.
There are no answers ...the only thing that has helped me is to recognize that if I wanna heal, I gotta feel..
some of those feelings include feeling "nothing"
I live for my kids..my grandbaby in the hopes that eventually, my life will become my life ....but it is mine to rebuild..and it is going to take time.
Give yourself that...it is your loss, your pain, your grief.
please contact me anytime if you would like to talk. If someone has never lost a spouse/significant other to death, they cannot know the journey we are traveling.
BLESSED BE and I do want you to know,,,MY HEART WILL GO ON
for me...as will yours. | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/21/2008 5:34:50 PM | Love My Shoes
Want to say I am Sorry for your Loss of Loved one
I am Sorry for your loss of Loved one here on Earth "'
Do you Believe in Angels watching over You /Us ?
Have read some literature on loss and grief ''And on a average it could take up to five years to grow out of the Pain /Loss / Depression
It is not ok that others say to you its a thing of the past you should move on
or be Okay "'Its your Heart ''' your pain "" And your Love for another .
When I was in pain /grieving a Special someone told me it is Okay to be sad /Tearful
and or in Pain ""But just dont stay there too long or for any lengthy period of time .
Just from what you wrote "'He was a very Lucky Man to have met someone as Big hearted and Loving & devoted as you . I am sure he knew this about you .
You have already been told this or know this ""But I will write it to you 'any way ''
Your Loved One would not want you to be so sad then or now or in pain as you would
not have ever wanted him to be ither . We always want more than anything else our Loved ones to be Happy no matter what >>There Happiness is our Happiness too .
Hang in there '' It does and will get better "'Talk about it as much as you need too .
And getting professional consultation or joining a group is not out the question or Realm . Just talking about it helps ! And keep on keeping Busy ................ too This really helps . If you ever want to email me its Okay ! It will be Okay ""You will be Okay '' Too "'
I will keep you in my prayers too !
Try doing something that you have not did before like "'going to a live show ...Comedy Show or
an event ''Or getting a new hairdo "'massage "'Something Special for YOU !
That you like or would like to try ! And try to have some Fun & Laughter ''VIP
Here 's a cyber  for You !
| |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/21/2008 6:50:19 PM | There are many opportunities to love in life. The love of a child, of a trusted friend, and the sweetest of all the love of a spouse and helpmeet in your life. So few seem to experience this sweet love. My heart goes out to you, I lost my wife 4 1/2 years ago, it wasn't so sudden but I was in denial and to me it seemed to come out of the blue. People who don't seem to remember and want others to "get over it". I feel sorry for them in a way as they don't seem to understand what I feel.
I used to say that it was OK to feel pain, and to suffer dearly at the loss of a loved one. It's a vivid reminder of how much you sorely miss those most precious. I'm sorry to report that it seems that it takes a very long time to heal. To feel "normal" again. I'm not quite there myself so I hope that you find some solace in the knowledge that you still love so deeply in your heart. As terrible as it sometimes is, it is still the depth of your love that reminds you of your sweetheart. | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/21/2008 7:22:19 PM | All of the posters before me.......I am with you!!! It has been a hard 15 mopnths, jsut going through the motions. I lost my best friend and soul mate of 17 years(married for 13 days shy of 7 years) on October 14th, 2006.
It was sudden, and it was not. My Daniel was sick for a long time, and one day he went to work( a cab driver) and he was found on the street by another cab driver, struggling to get out of the car....he was in the hospital for 6 weeks and 6 days. I missed one day seeing him when he was there, and I was devastated.
I think I began to grieve before that....the infection that he had for 6 years had finally taken over his body..........but it still hurts!
Dan's family has disowned me, because I chose to meet someone(at another site) and go on with my life!!!!!!!!
I am once again searching for my soul mate.......if there can be another found in this life...
I have learned that whatever I do, and whatever comes, I can never erase Dan's memory from my heart, and I know that he is forever guiding my life, and will forever look down on me until we meet again!!!
As for now, I must live for me, and forget what everyone else is going to say or do....It's time for me!!!!!
Take care all, and god bless, until we meet our loves again!!!
Marti  | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/21/2008 7:30:47 PM | You are in the process of grieving called SHOCK. It happens for the first two years of the death of a spouse. You are numb. This is shock. You just do what needs to be done, you feel as though you barely "exist". Like a shell of a person.
When you volunteer, your friends just "don't get it". Well, of course, they don't know what it feels like, because only a person going through this can FEEL WHAT'S HAPPENING. And if they did get it, well, that would not help. Slapping on your happy face is the best you can do. You will have good days and bad days. You will feel somewhat stable, and then suddenly BE AMBUSHED BY GRIEF! There is nothing you can do to stop the grieving process. You can volunteer, fall in love, drink yourself silly, latch onto addictions.... nothing can STOP the grieving process. You will feel sadness, guilt, loneliness, grief, and a deep sense of loss. You cannot SKIP the process. It will take place over a period of time, between three and five years, just to get over all the emotional turmoil you are feeling.
You had everything you ever wanted in life, and now it is gone. You are experiencing LOSS. You are fortuneate just to have clear thinking at this point. Value your mind, and the power of conscious, clear though. Be thankful you have a routine. Stick to your routine for now... it is saving you. Dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, as usual. Stay present for each step of your journey during this grieving process. None of us go from one place to another in a gigantic leap. We get there in increments, by going through each feeling, each belief, each experiecne one step at a time.
  | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/21/2008 8:41:18 PM | Victor Frankl wrote a book called, 'Man's Search For Meaning'. Dr Frankl was a psychiatrist who survived the concentration camps of Natzi Germany.
He once had a male patient that was very despondent over losing his wife of 40years. The patient indicated his wife and he were also best friends, and that losing her was unbearable. He told Dr. Frankl he saw no meaning in life now. Dr. Frankl asked him if it had been he to die first, before his wife, how would she be handling it. The patient told Dr. Frankl that she would be suffering just as much., and be as depressed. Dr. Frankl said to his patient, 'see, by living you have spared your love one of this grief'.
I hope all of you may find some comfort in this. God Bless. | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/21/2008 9:18:41 PM | Hi shoe .. I'm so sorry for your loss; your words had a powerful effect on me, because I've been through it in much the same way; sudden, inexplicable and no time for good-byes loss.
Despite that experience, all I can say to you about the pain is that over time (amount needed depends, I'm afraid) it will transform into something peaceful. Something that will give you the strength and hope you need to be able to move on and actually feel again, rather than bring you the anguish, disbelief and numbness you are feeling now.
Allow yourself to grieve. It's okay for you to feel this way. Before I lost my husband, I didn't think about death, and how it would affect me .. I was uncomfortable with it and uncomfortable around people who experienced it only because I felt I may make them feel worse by saying or doing something insensitive ... I tried to avoid talking about it with them, as I thought something I said would make them sad. How wrong I was.
It's hard for people to put themselves in such a place ... that's why you need to focus on yourself and go through all necessary motions (be it volunteering, reading, talking, crying, being numb, talking to the walls, being non-sociable, being over-sociable .. anything) that will help you on this difficult journey. Allow yourself the time you need and forgive yourself for needing that time .. whatever it may be. People may not understand and that's okay.
I still recall the day when a friend of mine sent me one of the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books .. it helped me a lot to read about other people's experiences and how they dealt with them .. put my own into enough perspective (perspective of which I had none ... and sometimes I still wonder) that it helped me make that first tiny, yet monumental leap towards healing.
I wish you well,
Kathy | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/21/2008 9:21:19 PM | hi,
Seems theres a lot of widows on this site.I am one also.Been 10 years now.I have learned to smile,look forward to life.Took a long time to feel that way.I never go a day without thinking of Johnny even after all these years.I have learned the pain will allways be there for the loss of him.But we have to go on.They look over us,they know our loss,our pain.But they also know people need companionship they can touch,feel.In time you will feel less pain,you will learn how to suck it up and life will come back to you.Not the life you had,it is gone with him.But your memories can help,get you through the hurt..My worst year was the second,going to the third.We lived together for 4 years.Was married 10 days before he died.You will never find another parter like him.Theres no replacement.But what there is,is life,it goes on.After a while you still exist,you become stronger getting through the day.You look forward to companionship.But you still remember that love.Its part of you.A part to cherish for what you had was rare.It was real.Some people search a lifetime for it.Take control of your pain,in time you can.Issue it out when you really need to let go.Say to yourself I wont cry today,for this loss.Instead I'll think of the good times we had.Laugh about something funny he did.It helps you get through.Take care,he would want you to take care of yourself.You will join him after your lifetime.You still have something here to do first.No matter how long you live,no matter if you find someone else to care for.He will be there waiting for you.
Bee | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/21/2008 9:46:53 PM | Hello,
to all of you that have lost the love of your life.....you story sounds like my very own. I lost my love 6 years ago in a traffic accident,we had 33 years together. We had so many plans for our golden years....after working hard our whole life side by side. Now even after 6 years I am still lost with no direction in life.
I want to thank you all for your thoughts,and I am so glad I found this forum. | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/22/2008 9:23:58 AM | Hi Everyone,
I too know how this feels, The love of my life was taken from me three years ago. Since then I have been lost, Or it sure feels like it. I also lost my Mom, Dad and Brother, before and after my Husband. Somedays are harder to deal with than others.
I wish everyone the best. | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/22/2008 2:22:38 PM | Hi to all...I just lost my husband 3yrs ago. He and I and My sister were on our way home from a concert out of state. We were hit head on by a young man that was speeding. He rolled over the top of our car after hitting us. My husband and sister were killed instantly. I survived the crash....I say survived because that is all ive been able to do for the past three years....My heart and spirit were crushed after the accident...I was married to my husband for almost 26yrs and we had dated 4ys prior....He was the only man I had ever known...We shared so much....Our middle son was born severely disabled and we had to depend on each other emotionally and physically on a continual basis. Our son died just 2yrs before the accident.....I know that after my husband died I felt so cheated that I did not get to go with him....but I have 2 sons that I needed to be here for. Im moving on slowly....I had never worked outside the home and now have a full time job that I really like.....Im still raising my 13yr old....That is really all I have in my life right now is him and work....Im scared about meeting someone....I desire it...but yet am afraid....I have insecurities about myself....Some of the things Ive read on the forum makes me want to give up finding love again.....But Ive decided that if God intends someone to be in my life it will happen....Ill just hang out for the ride for now ....My heart goes out to each and everyone here that has lost a loved one....May God bless you 
 | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/23/2008 4:24:13 PM | Hi, I was widowed less than a year ago and I miss him daily, but I always remember what he would say to me when we first met..."who is the most important person to you and what do you need to do for you?" He would also say that the past is the past and we must move on.
Yes, I loved him, and yes I miss him, but I am here and he is not. He would want me to move on. There are days when I think that I just want to go back to the way it used to be, I knew my role...I knew what I had to do. This being alone and widowed...it is totally new for me and it is all new territory.
I rely on my friends, my support groups, and my Higher Power to get me thru the days that are unbearably hard...but more important I need all of those things and more so that I can move forward...grow...learn...and when I look back...to say Thank YOU...for the lessons that you gave me while you were here.
So, act as if, fake it till I make it, live life to the fullest...or just pull the covers up over my head and stay in bed one day. It is all good as long as I am going forward.
Grieve, love, laugh, and live with all that I have recieved from him, our time together, and the memories that I have.
And be excited about moving on...one day at a time. | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/23/2008 5:10:58 PM | | I lost my wonderful husband the week before Christmas two years ago and my father two days after I lost my husband. I cried every day for two years, and the day I came on this site I knew that though I would always love and miss the love of my life, I was moving on. You are too just by being here. Thanks to all of you on this thread who have confirmed everything we widows and widowers have been feeling, and have all decided to take this difficult step to meet friends and maybe more again. | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/23/2008 5:49:03 PM | after 25 years , i lost my husband in 3 short minutes,no time to say goodbye, no time to say i love you 1 last time. there are two verses i'd like to share-
I understand so little of this process of grief,
yet this i know for sure
the theory about stages is wrong.
we bereaved don't reach acceptance
we don't recover from grief
if we are lucky and if we are strong,
we simply learn how to live with it. Andrea Warren
and: You do not dishonor your loved one by living again
living again pictures a love that was deep enough to set you free
A love that longs for your life to be happy
A love big enough to feel no dishonor at sharing your life.
doug manning
over time, we gradually surrender to the loss and embrace the pain. surrender leads us to memories. the memories gradually lead us to presence. then we have our loved one in our hearts forever. | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/26/2008 9:35:19 PM | | I lost my husband in Dec 01, he was killed instantly in a car accident, we'd been married 11 years. I was a lost soul for years and years after he died. I had lost my job a few days before he died, I didn't have an y close friends and we'd recently moved to a new city. So I'd lost what seemed like all meaning in my life. It took me over 6 years to figure out that I needed therapy. I had to figure out who I was and what I wanted from my life, the therapist helped me immnensely. I'm happy now and know where I'm going in life. If you're feeling like you just aren't moving forward, do consider therapy. | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/26/2008 10:10:49 PM | | I have learned to move on in life and try to live it to the fullest. Its going on almost 8 yrs since I lost my husband, he was a very young 42, I was 40. We knew each other for 16 years and had one son together but were married for almost 3 years before he passed away. He was a very big part of my life and I will always remember him. Our son is very much like him and I see it more and more with every passing day. I sought help from family members and friends, and sought grief counseling for me and my son. My mother was my rock and still is. As time goes on it does get easier. I grieved for 3 yrs and finally said Ron wouldn't want me to go on in life without another love, so, I have gotten myself back into the dating world and enjoying life again. Time does heal all wounds, believe in yourself that you will get through this by taking one day at a time. I now enjoy vacations every year, something we didn't do when we were married, spending precious time with family and friends and I even got a dog to be with me. Be courageous and move on as best as you can. I wish you well. | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/31/2008 9:37:20 PM | Geez, I never realized how many "young" widows and widowers there were! I always assumed that those of us who lost a spouse before we were 60 were the exceptions, but now I'm starting to wonder if it's the folks who make it to retirement with their loved one who are really the exceptions...
OP: I lost my wife of 15 years almost 3 years ago. I could have written all the thoughts, feeling and experiences you expressed in your message and it would have been just as accurate a description of what I experienced too.
I have wonderful supportive family, great friends, and a talented therapist. But even 3 years out, there are still days that I don't want to get out of bed and nights that I cry myself to sleep. I'll always miss her, even if I am ever lucky enough to find someone else to love.
One of the hardest parts of surviving was feeling guilty when I finally had the opportunity to enjoy some part of my life again. It didn't seem fair that I should be allowed to enjoy something in life without her being here to share it with me. But one piece of advice I received made a lot of sense to me and has helped me understand how to deal with this feeling:
If the roles had been reversed -- if I had died and she had survived -- would I want her to waste the rest of her life unhappy and grieving? Of course not! Seeing her sad or troubled would be heartbreaking to me. I would always want her to remember me, but I'd want her to move on and be happy and not waste whatever time she had left in her life being sad or alone. I think anyone who has ever *really* loved someone feels that way. You always want whats best for them, even if you can't be there to share it with them.
But I won't lie -- the pain never really goes away. I don't feel like the wound has healed. It feels more like it has just scarred over. I think, perhaps, you just try your best to learn to adjust to the new "normal." Your priorities, values, and even your beliefs may change, but it's important to view those changes as positive. In some ways, people who have never experienced such a loss may never quite understand just how fragile life is, and how important it is to let everyone in your life know how significant they are. Many people will go on living their lives as if they have forever, rather than making the most of every moment.
I try to view my loss as a growth experience. While I can't be a better person for her, I still have the opportunity to honor her memory by expressing the love, kindness, and compassion I should have shown her more often when she was here. And I plan on taking full advantage of that opportunity every day for the rest of my life. I owe her at least that much. By doing this, I hope I can give her life -- and death -- the meaning it deserves. | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 7/17/2008 9:01:26 AM | hi there I was first made a widow after 34 yrs of wonderfull marrage ,my first wife was sick for a long time so we had a lot of time to talk about what she wanted me to do when the time came ,she said that I was to try a find another wife,all my kids were grown at this stage and they all agreed that it made sence not to go on for the rest of my life single ,,So she passed on and I thought that I was ready to deal with this ,Boy was I wrong I have never felt a pain like that ,and as you say it did not seem like it would ever go away ,but with a lot of help from my 4 kids and a few years later I got my act togetherand started to live again {with out all my friends of 30 years or so,they did not want to know me for I was a singleman and a threat to them].
then one day like a bolt out of the blue ,I met this loverly lady Dawnand life was really great again we moved onto an Island and I built with her help, a new house for us ,we had it all, a 2 min walk to the beach anew car and our own little motor boat to go fishing,My kids called her Mum her daughter calls me dad,her kids call me poppy jack it could not be better. But then in a few short weeks it all went bad again.I lost my little Dawn afteronly being with her for 4 years,So here I am again, a widower once again and it is as bad again as the first time. But I now have 5 kids and 15 grand kids to look out for,So that is what I will do,It is bloody hard going but it does get better as the days go byAnd I look back on my years with Christine and Dawn and I thank god for the love they gave me and the way they showed me how to get on with my life and I will allways cherish my time with them ,I will never forget these two incredible woman So to you I give you love and strenth to go on it will get better remember your good times and good times will come to you again My love to you from jackv102 in australia XX | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 7/17/2008 12:44:53 PM | ilovemyshoes (great name, btw!)
I've been widowed 8 years - my H died of cancer when we were both 36 and our daughter was 5.
For me, the second and third year of widowhood were the hardest as I was in so much shock the first year. When the fog started to lift, I, too, felt that I was just 'there'. Nothing made sense anymore. I lost all my passion for my old interests. Many of our friends stopped being my friends as I wasn't part of a couple anymore. I hated my job, my house, everything. I even hated being an only parent as I just wanted to crawl under a rock and die. I didn't want any responsibilites any longer. Even God was on my fecal roster a.k.a sh!t list.
I learned to take it one day at a time. I didn't allow myself to dream too far in advance but started to appreciate and enjoy what I could of the NOW, of each day. I also made a list of everything that was good and blessed in my life and said to myself, Wendy, somewhere, someone has it worse than you. You may not believe it but you are lucky. And to this day, I do believe I have a good life.
Time does heal and it takes plenty of it before you feel better. I don't feel like I did before he died but I am a stronger, better me because of the hell I walked through and that I am glad I didn't ball myself up in a corner and stop living. My husband even told me before he died that I had to promise him I would continue to grow and live and find love again after he was gone. It was the hardest thing I had to do but I promised him as it made him happy.
There is no time line for being whole again or finding happiness. The one thing that helped me was reaching out to others who "got it". This is a good site as there are alot of widows and widowers here as well as widownet.org. I also found a fantastic therapist thru my daughter's pediatrician who helped me thru some dark days.
I'm sending you lots of cyber hugs and the knowledge that IT WILL GET BETTER. Please feel free to contact me thru my profile. | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 7/17/2008 2:07:36 PM | | I was retired and two weeks later my husband dropped dead almost in front of me in Nov of 06. The past 13 months were spent in a fog and auto as one member put it so aptly. Now I am moving forward, no polyester or rocking chair nor am I going to live to get ready to die. Life is to full of joy and opportunities for that, just have to sit back and assess what is valuable to you. Guess my training made me open up and I can view each piece of my life as it assembles into a completed puzzle going from working two jobs and full time caretaking to zero. Yes I cry and go outside and scream once in awhile but that is so rare now. The scar tissue is there and always will be, the heart is healing. My best motto Let the sunshines of yesterday help to warm and illuminate the corners of your heart in the tomorrows. | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 7/20/2008 10:55:06 PM | The phrase "I just sort of exist" after 2.5 years makes me worry a bit......... I lost my husband of 26 years after a prolonged illness 2.5 years ago. At the 2 year mark, I had a good cry and gave myself permission to consider the possibility of meeting someone new.
If you are feeling like you are just "existing" or still "numb", you may have serious depression issues and should talk with your Doctor. There are so many words you use that just jump out like flags. You said you had tried medication - please, try again. If you are truly medically depressed, it may help. If you haven't already done so, please talk to your Doctor again.
I still get the occassional wave of sadness - especially hearing a certain song, or when my son sits with me and says "I wish Dad were here."
It will change over time. I still love my husband and always will, but I feel now there can maybe be a place beside him in my heart for someone else. | |
|
| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 7/21/2008 7:13:26 PM | there is no timeline for grief, no set "ways" or "phases", it is unique to each of us. that doesn't mean that your life will be one constant pain after another. I know that with myself right after my husband passed away the pain was so profound, it would literally knock me on my knees. I hated the fact that even though it would briefly subside, I knew that awful wave would be back again.
I also knew and kept reminding myself that I couldn't constantly live in those awful moments. I know that with me, I had to go out into the world, alone. Of course in my situation I have 2 children who now needed me more than ever, and are my number one priority. It's a scary thing, you have to stand on your own and when you fall, it's only you that can pick yourself back up.
I have said to others that time, while it heals the wounds, the scars will always remain. It's ok to have scars. I can't answer for you whether or not you'll feel like yourself again. I know with me, I have and than I know that there are elements of the "old" me, the wife, the partner.....she's gone...I accept that. Does it make me sad, yes, do I still grieve....yes - like I said it doesn't go away...but it doesn't have to be such a catastrophic thing.
If there is a small suggestion I can make it would be to find a good support group of those who do "get it". I know I have found that, not only online but in my community as well....and it has been a great comfort to me in those awful moments...(please PM if you would like more info...)
take care.. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
