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 AUTHOR
 Deceased~
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 101
When you KNOW what your problem is.....Page 5 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

IQ does not make you any smarter than anyone else ,but only have learned more .


That is not really true. The person who is very intelligent is born with it before they are taught anything. The very small child who doesn't even know the alphabet but is very intelligent, figures out that a book is something that people look at and all those squiggly things in black on the page mean something and cause the person looking at them to think about whatever it means. The intelligent child (we are talking a three year old here) will observe that one parent holds this thing (a book) in hand and stares at it and laughs, then shows the thing to the other parent and that parent looks at it and laughs as well.

Later, when given the chance, the child goes and looks at the scribblings and tries to figure out what it means.

That is intelligence.
 vro312
Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 102
When you KNOW what your problem is
Posted: 12/24/2007 8:29:56 PM
And--since we're still beating this horse--it should be noted that IQ is supposed to be a measure of capacity, not knowledge.
 newman46
Joined: 7/16/2007
Msg: 103
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When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 8:31:43 PM
Bravo, on your desire to understand and change this pattern. Women are rarely intimidated by intelligence; in fact most find it quite attractive. Although we love intelligent men, we do not enjoy when a man acts superior.

Often the smoke screen of intelligence is used to unconsciously distance. In addition, the appearance of intelligence, success, education etc., can be used to boost self-esteem. You suggest you are of average intelligence yet are selecting women with great intellectual discrepancy with yourself ... then attempting to educate them. Question then might be is it a) to distance yourself emotionally for whatever reason or b) to boost self-esteem so as to be more attractive to women?

Once, you have that answer you are enroute to much healthier relationships. A relationship built on equity not equality.
 msflis
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 104
When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 8:34:18 PM

This was prompted by an email I got some time back from a woman saying that she would love to meet me but "I am a little intimidated by your intelligence", and that is a direct quote. And my point is that there is no reason for anybody to be intimidated by ANYTHING about me.[/quote}

Well, ESE, this seems like a cue for you to reassure her that your intelligence doesn't bite... (Does it?)


I know that I can learn from anybody.


And THIS quote seems to go hand in hand with it. What can you learn from the women who may find you intimidating but STILL tell you they'd love to meet you? What can you learn from your response to them? You stated at the beginning of this thread that you knew what your problem was, and then ducked away from every response that pointed toward the problem not being your intelligence but the way in which you wield it. Intimidation is a two-part process. What part are you playing?

Mensa gatherings may be of some help in finding someone your intellectual equal, Eddie, but the skills that will help you most are available to folks of any intelligence level: how to make those around you feel wanted, valued and appreciated. If you truly can learn from anyone, then that seems to me like the course you may want to specialize in next.

--Ms. Flis
 msflis
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 105
When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 8:35:41 PM
Oh, of COURSE I'd mess up the quote function in a thread discussing intelligence...

--Ms. Flis
 kripcrank
Joined: 12/3/2007
Msg: 106
When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 8:38:28 PM
No, that's curiosity
 jessejess4747
Joined: 10/9/2007
Msg: 107
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When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 8:41:32 PM
Yes I see your point ,but how does that have anything to do with IQ =intelligence. The child may know something is there but must learn to read . And the higher the IQ the faster they will catch on. But someone with a low IQ can still learn to read the book ,but it will maybe take longer and maybe more work. So some one that is a great speller is not any smarter than someone that is great at math,they simply find one easier than the other. That IMO does not make one smarter . Also if you like something then you will be better at that than something that you do not care for. So someone who loves to read would be more educated but does that make them smarter or have they simply read more.
 alwaysagirl
Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 108
When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 8:43:13 PM
It's a gift to interact with others and not think of ones self as better/superior but perhaps different ------ I consider myself lucky to not be plagued by too much intelligence and class because it allows me to be at ease with pretty much anyone.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 109
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When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 9:04:22 PM
Emerald Cove,

Bravo!!!!!

You stated the very obvious after over 4 or 5 pages, and that is the fact that he is perhaps trying to play patty cake with a very select few. Perhaps OP may consider that he is intimidated by intelligent women, and perfers to associate with the few bubble heads, and then complains that they have nothing in common.

I would not be so rude to say so, but the fact is, you are correct, a woman doesn't feel intimidated about someones smarts, unless the other person either rubs it in the womans face, or go on a yap tangent above the other persons head (raising my hand of being guilty of such an offense).

If a woman feels like she has to have a all these degrees to be on equal grounds, she is going to end up feeling defeated before she even given the guy a chance...

A while back I dated someone that constantly put me down for being blonde. This was extremely annoying to me, and I couldn't figure out why he felt the need to do that. Therefore I felt on the constant defense of having to prove I was very intelligent...

Problem was him, he hadn't made it past the 11th grade, and felt the need to insult me so that he as a man could feel superior.

Sad anyone has to think that way...
 Deceased~
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 110
When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 10:07:07 PM

Yes I see your point ,but how does that have anything to do with IQ =intelligence.


IQ is the result of a formula that involves a person's age. Go here to read about it in detail:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/IQ

There are plenty of other threads discussing intelligence. A child can display intelligence long before it is even able to take the tests for it and be scored.

The fact remains that the OP has not yet learned that a person can have intelligence and education and chose not to use it or possibly not wish to use it properly. The way to resolve the dilemma is to show people that your intelligence and education can help them instead of trying to hold it over them in a superior manner.

A good analogy is the person who has a Ph.D in psychology. Now if they chose not to use that education to help patients but used that knowledge to screw around with people's minds just for fun, then they will not appear to be a very congenial person.

That is what the OP is doing it would seem. He has tons of intelligence and education but he is not using it to his advantage and instead appears to be getting negative reactions by the way he states things and by the way he expects people to understand him - at least in this discussion.

Example was when the OP stated that he could not understand why so many people read the same words and got so many different reactions to it. That is not the fault of the readers, that is the fault of the writer. If he had written it in a manner that was clear, it would have provoked the same relative reaction by most of the readers.

A simple case is a few messages back where I wrote an insult about a lady. I then wrote that it was a joke and that the opposite was what I actually thought. Had I left the explanation off, it would have possibly been seen as an insult by some. Others would have only taken a look at the woman's picture and read her profession listed in her profile and have figured out it was a sarcastic joke. Still others might already know the personality of me and know it had to have been a joke. Even more would have known the lady and been in a quandary as to why it appeared I was trying to insult her. The whole thing is avoided by being very clear and there is no problem.

Back to the OP. The discussion turned to the topic of intelligence because that is one of the things he posed as support to the fact that he figures he is an "average" fellow. He then implies that most people should be average and he does not understand why they aren't. It is pointed out that the error is in deciding he is average and there is an end to all that. He is using a distorted yardstick.

Now we could go back to the original topic of whether to change one's approach to get what we want or whether to continue in frustration and go in circles forever - i the life of the OP and in this thread.

To put it more succinctly, the question is, "What do you do when you know what the problem is? and the answer is to change your approach. Identifying the problem is the classic first step in engineering solutions to problems. If one is not willing to change anything, nothing new will get designed. At least that is how an engineer sees it.
 EastSideEddie
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 111
When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 10:10:02 PM
Emerald and Nexthyme, please read the original post and find this sentence:


I have had women write to me here and say they were intimidated by my intelligence.


I did not contact them. They wrote to me out of nowhere saying words to the effect of "You sound like an interesting guy to meet for dinner but I have been following your posts for a long time and I am intimidated by your intelligence."

Key points, THEY wrote to me, unsolicited, to say this to me. Isn't that similar in concept to calling the Home Shopping Network to say you are just looking? (If you aren't buying, why call?)


You stated the very obvious after over 4 or 5 pages, and that is the fact that he is perhaps trying to play patty cake with a very select few. Perhaps OP may consider that he is intimidated by intelligent women, and perfers to associate with the few bubble heads, and then complains that they have nothing in common.


I am not looking to "play patty cake" with ANYBODY. I am passive, docile, distant, reclusive...... I don't chase women. I rarely leave my house, thus I don't "associate with the few bubble heads". I don't go to bars (non-drinker), and much prefer staying home and reading or working with wood to just about anything else. I am THE least aggressive man on POF. I can count on one hand and ignore the thumb the number of times I have written to a woman to initiate any kind of real life contact, and less than that have I ever met in person. I do contact women to greet them, maybe compliment them for something particularly cogent they may have posted, pick their brains some, chat about things..... I have made it clear for years that I am here for the entertainment value of the forums. You are all making a lot of assumptions about my lifestyle based on my asking a simple question.

Funny Girl had the best response yet, that being that I have no control over how someone else perceives me.

Which leads into this comment:


Therefore I felt on the constant defense of having to prove I was very intelligent...


YOU felt you were on constant defense. He didn't make you feel that way. Nobody has control over how you feel. He was looking to evoke that response and you entertained him by reacting in the exact way he hoped you would.
 Deceased~
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 112
When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 10:23:21 PM

No, that's curiosity


True, but the intelligence lies in the fact that the average three year old would not be curious as to the effect a book has on his parents and would likely be more apt to see the situation as the parent not paying attention to him.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 113
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When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 10:24:49 PM
I can speak in persiflage as well

One pretty much *engages* in persiflage. . . . And lots of words and/or rather larger words are seldom necessary to impress anyone other than one's self. Nor is it needful to denigrate one person's talent to inflate another's.

The Frau pretty much has it right: it's attitude that drives 'em off, not intelligence. And as much as I love EastSide, he do have a BIGGOL attitude on him. Funny as that can be a times. . . . (in fact, as funny as he often is). But no one, male or female especially wants that directed at their own self.

Kindness is free, and unrelated to intelligence.

As for dumbing down: That was the advice given to me in Lady Training.



 IronFish
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 114
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When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 10:28:09 PM
EastSideEddie, suppose your partner was an athlete who could easily run 50 miles a day. Suppose she was constantly putting you down for not being able to run even 20? How would you feel about her?

If IQ mean so much to you, restrict your dating pool to MENSA women. Otherwise, lose the condescending attitude towards the other 99% of the women out there.
 EastSideEddie
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 115
When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 10:34:39 PM
Ironfish, a more likely analogy would have been:

Suppose a stranger wrote to that just-short-of-double-marathon running person saying "I find you interesting but since I can't keep up with you on the running track, we'll never know".

That is more the scenario here. Someone who has never met me said this to me. There was no competition for anything like your running analogy. In my scenario, the two never met for that berating to happen because one was (unnecessarily) intimidated by the other.

Where did this "condescending toward the other 99%" stuff come from?

Someone sent me an unsolicited initial contact with that "intimidated" message in it. How is it my fault that she is intimidated by anything?
 vro312
Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 116
When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 10:34:58 PM

I did not contact them. They wrote to me out of nowhere saying words to the effect of "You sound like an interesting guy to meet for dinner but I have been following your posts for a long time and I am intimidated by your intelligence."

Key points, THEY wrote to me, unsolicited, to say this to me. Isn't that similar in concept to calling the Home Shopping Network to say you are just looking? (If you aren't buying, why call?)


No, in fact, it's not similar in concept at all. When you call the Home Shopping Network, you don't put yourself and your heart into the vulnerable position you and it are in when you contact someone on a dating site. Surely you can understand the difference.

This is what you're missing: When a woman takes the trouble to initiate contact with you, she's interested. I'm not saying she necessarily knows whether or not she wants to date you, sleep with you, or marry you, but you can bet, at least, she would like to communicate with you.

Although it would not be my personal approach, a woman who admits to feeling intimidated is putting her fears out there in hopes that you will help assuage them by saying something like, "Oh golly . . . don't be intimidated. I'm mostly just full of hot air and I'm so glad you decided to write" or some similarly charming comment that assures her that you're just a regular guy who can laugh at himself. She wants to know that even though you are clearly (in her eyes) very intelligent, you aren't going to expect intellectual perfection out of her.

That's all. It's NEVER an insult if someone makes contact with you . . . unless, of course, they're telling you what an ***hole you are, in which case, yeah, that's an insult.

Do you know how many men on here complain that no one responds to their requests for communication? Those guys aren't getting women taking the time to send them messages like you obviously are.

I'm not particularly religious, but I think it's the St. Francis Prayer that says, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." It just might work.


A simple case is a few messages back where I wrote an insult about a lady.


I got it without any help. ; )
 EastSideEddie
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 117
When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 10:49:37 PM

unless, of course, they're telling you what an ***hole you are


And just how did you get into my mailbox to know that?



I replied politely and never heard from her again.

How would you take it if a man wrote to you and said something like "You are really attractive but I think you are WAY too attractive to want to date a guy like me so forget it."

Talk about a self fulfilling prophesy.....
 Hershys kiss
Joined: 10/4/2007
Msg: 118
When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 10:50:46 PM
This is really easy.

You know what the problem is, and you think you know how to solve it. You even said its "hard" to fix... but not impossible.

The question is simply is this: Is "fixing it" so hard or unpleasant an idea, that you would rather continue with the results you've already experienced by doing the same thing?

It might be. I don't know you. I just know that the choice in front of you is simpler than you think.

...Although, I would offer this. Wouldn't it be easier to decide if these women were worth "settling for" after you actually meet them and spend some time with them in person? You know... away from spelling entirely? ;-)
 vro312
Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 119
When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 11:01:21 PM

How would you take it if a man wrote to you and said something like "You are really attractive but I think you are WAY too attractive to want to date a guy like me so forget it."


Okay . . . granted, I would think that's a little pansy-assed of him. However, I would write back and not mention the wuss factor at all and see if he could redeem himself. (And after that, he wouldn't be able to.)

I want to say this is different, but maybe it's not. You're right; it's annoying. But, referring back to your original post, that's only part of the problem. A bigger part of the problem is that you seem to be a simpleton magnet in general. So forget the first part and focus on the second part.

Now I'm going to bed before Santa gets here.

Edit: WTF, Eddie? Have you noticed how many testimonials you have? You seem to be doing just fine!
 IronFish
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 120
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When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 11:02:51 PM

Someone sent me an unsolicited initial contact with that "intimidated" message in it. How is it my fault that she is intimidated by anything?


To me, it was just small talk, to get a dialog going, because she was interested in you. If you liked her, you would respond with something like "There's no need to be intimidated ....blah, blah, blah". Then you might have made a connection with someone special.

If I wasn't interested in someone, I would not take the trouble to send them an email telling them how disinterested I was in them. That would be pointless.
 divineadvisor
Joined: 7/28/2007
Msg: 121
When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 11:16:03 PM
Eastsideeddie...you keep dwelling on this one person out of thousands who contacted you once saying your intelligence intimidated them. Who knows who this person was. I can't even imagine because you seem kind of narcistic and sad...based on how you describe yourself in message 111. I have no need to bash you. I could care less....I am honestly just stating what I think based on what you have wrote. You seem to have really taken what this random person wrote to heart. Well...people on here e-mail strange things to people all the time.

Trust me ...your intelligence is not intimidating.
 sherilyn70
Joined: 1/26/2007
Msg: 122
When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 11:31:28 PM
Okay... I post as evidence of why someone might see you as being arrogant or thinking you're better than others: http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts8534895.aspx
That was my first and most memorable impression of you.
You started a thread for the sole purpose to tell people they were wrong. You continued to insist that just because something worked for you it must not be broken. to me a sign of true (and usable) intelligence is understanding that there are multiple scenarios for every situation and examining all of them for the partial truths that they hold.
 Deceased~
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 123
When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 11:34:16 PM

Eastsideeddie...you keep dwelling on this one person out of thousands who contacted you once saying your intelligence intimidated them


Apparently the OP just isn't bright enough to understand sarcasm.


Trust me ...your intelligence is not intimidating.


Agreed.
 darkness757575
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 124
When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 11:38:29 PM
Ill give you the answer, you don't want want the truth but ill tell you!!!.......
I think your not smart and that's why you cant look past small spelling errors, so in reality your not smart enough to date!!!
 broward
Joined: 1/30/2007
Msg: 125
When you KNOW what your problem is.....
Posted: 12/24/2007 11:47:48 PM
a sign of true (and usable) intelligence is understanding that there are multiple scenarios for every situation


No, that requires experience. My first software system was very successful but very one-dimensional. It wasn't until later, when we tested in many different environments that I realized how badly I'd missed the real strategy.

That requires experience.
You have to see it blow up to know that it can.

Heck, that's a lot of what I get paid for now, come to think of. In almost every interview I stress the need to design for differentiation by business unit, etc.
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