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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/10/2008 1:09:55 AM | WhiteTigress the guys that are anti-multiple dating for women are under the impression that such women who do so are sleeping every guy they meet for coffee, or just out for a free meal, or totally insecure and need their egos boosting.
I think they would like to go back to the times when you women sat demurely at home waiting for either your father or grandfather to sell you off to the first young stud that turns up with enough cattle in tow to seal the marriage contract  | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/10/2008 2:04:19 AM |
I will never compete What is this 'compete' thing? It's not about that, it's about finding someone who is really right for you...and yes, I'm fairly sure that there is more than one person who can be "right" for any given individual. It's about a reasonable atttempt to find the one that's the most clear cut "right". Let me put it this way...do you want a woman to be with you because she found you to be the best of what was on offer, or are you thinking the only way to get a relationship is to be the only item in the store? Cindy O
I agree with Yarimelma completely. There is a competition if you date multiple people, who do you spend your Saturday with, who do you want to talk to tonight and so on.. sorry not or me. If I am dating a guy that is it - one man one women.
The man I am with knows I am with him because we have a connection we have a strong connection on many levels. Not because he is "the best fit of sweaters in the store". Your logic may work for you when it comes to determining who is best to date, but it is not always for everyone. Some of us are very happy in our one at a time approach to getting to know someone. I for one like to give someone full attention - they get all of me not an edited version of me that is spread amount many. | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/10/2008 2:41:45 AM | I don't understand why a lot of guys have such a big problem with girls going on dates with a few guys. That is was single is all about.
If you hit it off with someone, they wont want to see anyone else.. Till then.. date date date! no one should be upset!! | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/10/2008 7:10:44 AM | Does anyone but me hear an empty can rattling? Loudly, REAL loudly.
However, we must admit that the louder it rattles, the more women are directed away from it.....and, if it's o.k. with the loud can, it's o.k. with me.
Did I miss the directive that everyone on POF MUST date? and, MUST DATE in a specific style? I don't think so.....Last I knew, we could do as we wished....and, to those who ARE seeking someone with whom to share their life, may you go on in the manner that bests suits your style, and, I believe, you will eventually find that person you seek. After all, it's a numbers game and, I also do not believe there is only ONE soulmate for each person....
especially in later life.....We're not looking to relive our youth, we want someone we can love and respect and grow old with....that includes respect, compatibility and chemistry.
Why complicate it...it's complicated enough...I'm willing to bet that EVERYONE on this site is aware of that!.
Just my thoughts,
KK | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/10/2008 7:44:23 AM | | i only date 1 guy at a time, i dont know how a woman can get to know if a person is right for them by dating several guys, i believe in dating 1 guy and seeing where it goes over confusing myself and the men, besides in my opinion, a woman may screw up on a great guy if he finds out she is dating others | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/10/2008 11:10:39 AM | What do you call it when you meet and enjoy someone's company, wait for him to call you (which he said he would, and possibly has done so a couple of times), then doesn't call and you sit home waiting for confirmation of a "next" date.? Someone else calls and because you have not heard from #1, you accept a date from #2. Now, there is a chance that you might enjoy the company of #2 and I'd like to know how many are willing to dump #2 because they had decided to date only one person who is still around, but you never know when and if he is going to call?
I think that's kinda silly, in addition to a waste of time. If you are going to see only one, I would hope that #1 and you have discussed these things and you know, reasonably, that you're going to be seeing each other on a regular basis, and not sitting home, waiting to see if he's in a mood to take you out...
And, men, is it unreasonable, if you want her to date only you, that you make it your business to discuss future dates with her so that she knows when she's going to see you again, and she can plan her schedule accordingly? I looks like a two way street to me.
I have NEVER been confused when dating more than one man. As a matter of fact, how they act and what they say HELPS me decide if we are compatible. I have never "screwed up" on a great guy because he "found out" I'm dating others. He knows from the start that I will date others until such time as it is decided by two people that WE do not want that. What ever happened to communication? That's the kind of stuff I talk about from the beginning, usually even BEFORE we actually meet.
However, I DO make it clear to anyone I am dating, that, when the time comes for intimacy, there will be NO more multiple dating and monogamy on BOTH sides....If he is not on the same wavelength with me, perhaps he's not such a "great guy" after all....for ME, that is..... If he can't understand how feelings need time to grOW....we obviously do NOT think the same.
I think that it all depends upon how deep the attraction is ON BOTH SIDES, as to whether or not the couple makes a joint decision NOT to date others....I don't believe there's a wrong or a right, just the preference of the two who are doing the dating!
Just my thoughts.
KK | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/11/2008 7:10:38 AM | Well here is a little solution for all of you men out there that think a woman dates more than one person at a time for a free meal…
My feeling is that dating is making friends… Being friends first is the basis for a great relationship. But why would I stop making friends unless you and I have decided that we want to be exclusive, take it to the next level, or have talked about it first. I believe that this takes a lot of the pressure off as well and lets you be more at ease.
There are men on POF that will collaborate my thoughts on this subject. People I have actually had the pleasure of meeting. They are my friends.
I have never been on a date where when the check came I did not at least offer to split the bill. Most of the time it is taken care of, but at least the offer was made. If you do not take me up on my offer then it is your bad.
I do not offer to test you… I am genuine with my offers. I do not play the testing game.
So there is your answer to why a lot of men and women date more than one person at a time.
Good luck all, no matter what your dating style.
MK | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/11/2008 4:29:27 PM | This thread is hilarious...
My feeling is that dating is making friends… Being friends first is the basis for a great relationship.
No, dating is not making friends. Making friends is making friends. "Sorry, I'm dating someone" does not mean "Sorry, I'm making friends with people."
Dating is a term used to solidify that you are spending time with someone on a non-plutonic basis. It's very generic, but it does not mean plutonic at all. I think what you mean is "dating is casual, and means no commitment". That to you may be true, and it's totally respected... I think we all at least have been in the mode where we see dating that way, and some more serious.
I have never been on a date where when the check came I did not at least offer to split the bill. Most of the time it is taken care of
(a) Has there ever been a time when you've gone out to eat with a female friend and did *OFFER* to split the bill? She'd look at you funny. Why? She's a *friend*. It was assumed you'd split it,right? To offer to split it with "friends" means that you expect all your friends to pay, unless you're kind enough to offer to split it (but really expect them to pay anyway). WTF? LOL
(b) Most of the time the guy picks it up. Yes. You merely OFFER, thus implying he is presumed to do so by default. You're not plutonic! He's not a friend! A friend would be, say, your BFF's husband, your cousin (male), or a senior citizen, for instance.
Okay, I'm only being harsh because I have to say, they are not your 'friends' in the same sense of your gal-gal friends or men you're-not-attracted-to-but-laugh-at-work-with friends.
Point is, it's not plutonic -- dating by definition means not plutonic, so therefore, no, they're not just a friend. That gives a false impression.
A first meeting, you're not dating them. You've met them. If it was considered a date, you're still not datING them, until at least after your 2nd or 3rd date with plans to get together again.
When datING someone, you don't have to sleep with them to get tied up into emotional situations... hence, datING more than one person at one time can cause some real complications!
DatING more than one person, what I could see is cool if one's truly not wanting to be in a relationship, they tell the person that, and also that they'll be dating more than one girl/guy too... in that case, you're friends w/ benefits -- even if those benefits are just limited to mini-makeout sessions. It's a "girl I hang out with" or a "guy I hang out with". Dating implies at least a weak degree of commitment/courtesy, that's all! | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/11/2008 4:54:42 PM | Well dang,
I offer to split the bill with everyone that I go out with male or female. Or we have an arrangement where we take turns covering the bill. I guess I need to clarify... if when the bill comes and the man I am out with snatches it up, pulls out his wallet and proceeds to pay I make sure that he knows that I would like to split it with him.
I do not play games with anyone for any reason, this includes the stupid date tests.
Dating to me is a process where you get to know each other just like you would in a social setting and you are meeting new people, both male and female. It is a weeding out process. I use this process when making new friends when out and a bout. I pick my friends carefully and would not want a bad person as a friend.
Well the same goes for dating in my opinion. I would like to meet you, learn more about you as I would a friend. If after a few dates we decide that we would like to cut out dating others then that is an exclusive relationship.
I am honest with the people I go out with and as long as you have your cards on the table and all parties agree then there is no problem.
MK | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/11/2008 5:17:39 PM | I wasn't implying you're trying to play games with anyone... problem is calling them 'friends' when you're saying you're datING. I throw a huge flag on the field on that one when folks say that! :)
Dating is a process of getting to know someone... but not the same way you'd get to know a female friend, the same way you meet someone off a dating website. My point is, there is a difference between a "friend" and a friend. Would you meet a lady off POF and treat every step of the way the same, with the same expectations? Probably not. Ignoring the difference to make it seem simple to one person (you) doesn't mean it's not going to cause confusion issues with another -- been there a million times (on both ends).
Back the main virtually inarguable point -- one can't be datING a mere friend. They are no longer merely a friend if you're dating. *WHY CALL IT DATING if they're just a friend??* Dating does not mean plutonic. Low expectations, casualness, non-commitment does not mean plutonic, nor does it imply it's the same thing with the same expectations as a lady friend (in your case). They're not just a friend. You can consider them a "friend", but if so -- you're not dating. I think you're bumping up the "dating" label to someone specifically too soon, that's all.
1. DatING someone means you're more than friends. Otherwise, you wouldn't call it dating. Duh, right? It doesn't necessarily mean commitment, but you're walking into a fire unless you put it out by putting the cards on the table and all parties (convincingly - key) agree.
2. Falsely calling someone just a friend to give it a more casual setting as one desires risks confusion, when you also consider them someone you're dating.
3. "What's your relationship with that girl?" a girl may ask me. What do you think would happen if I said "I'm dating her", as opposed to "She's just a friend"? There is a difference! :)
4. Have you ever kissed a female friend after hanging out with her the first or second time? Have you with a guy? See the difference yet? ;)
5. More suitable descriptions:
(a) "A girl I just went out with" - after first meeting or date
(b) "A girl I went out with a couple/few times" - self-explanatory (I think you're calling this datING; it's not)
(c) "A girl I am dating" - phase change - it's a continual chain of expected dates, hence implies focus thus some level of commitment unless otherwise specified; commitment by default implied could be ended, without much shock since you're not in an established relationship
(d) "My girlfriend" - an established 'relationship'. Self explanatory.
Just thought I'd put those thoughts out there! ;) | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/11/2008 5:30:31 PM | I respect your thoughts.
I have not personally found the confusion that you imply.
I have told dates when the subject comes up that I am "dating" other men. When I introduce a Date to a group of friends, I will introduce them as my friend, not boy friend. Like you said this would establish the thought of exclusiveness.
I personally make sure my cards are on the table. All friendships platonic as well as dating are based on honesty in my book.
But back to the original topic. People date multiple people at a time as a weeding out process. Once you are in a relationship I no longer call it dating. | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/11/2008 6:13:59 PM | 1. I understand what you're saying.
2. I think "dating" is too strong a word as to what you describe. "Hanging out" would be better (vague, but better).
3. Dating being platonic is an oxymoron. You don't kiss on a first or second date, or even hit on someone and say it's platonic. Contradiction.
5. It's not platonic due to the reason one calls it dating.
6. Otherwise, you could say "I'm dating Sally." If anyone raised an eyebrow you could say, "What? It's strictly a platonic friendship".
7. Friendships being platonic or non-platonic doesn't have anything to do with honesty or dishonest... don't see that.
8. If someone asks you "Are you dating anyone?", and you have a boyfriend, you say "No"? ;) I think you should say, "Yes, I have a boyfriend.", not "No I'm not dating anyone... I have a boyfriend."
9. The act of going out on dates with a person is where you begin your weeding process. You don't need another guy to weed out the other, to find out if he's your type or not.
People date multiple people at once:
(a) to increase attention
(b) more fun; decreases tension when going out on any particular date (tension is what people dont like about dating)
(c) to have an emotional saftey net in case one they were focused on walked away (another one right there to fill void)
(d) to get past a disappointment easier when one you really liked turned out to be a turn-off (similar to above)
(e) because many other people you may meet/like do - may feel vunerable if you don't | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/11/2008 6:36:26 PM | I am at the point with this post that I will agree to disagree with you. I believe that you speak generalizations and without really knowing me you can not group me into what you believe to be true.
The best of luck to all of you,
MK | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/11/2008 9:34:39 PM | MK,
Speaking generalizations? The topic was about the misuse of general lingo (friends), and I think I made some clear examples... sorry. And I wasn't judging you at all, nor grouping you -- it was about calling someone a platonic friend when one also says they're dating them, and the issues some folks would have with that concept, that's all! | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/12/2008 3:08:23 PM | Dating is a getting to know you, it's not a serious committment. You reach the stage where you want to date exclusively over time, it doesn't happen because you have date #2,3 or 4. It's not a numbers game, it's all about finding two people who like each other and are compatible.
With dating you are never guarenteed another date, neither one owes the other any form of committment. | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/12/2008 3:27:36 PM | With dating you are never guaranteed another date, neither one owes the other any form of commitment.
Jazzy, I think ya hit the nail on the head with that one....
Azure, nothing wrong with your "calculations"...IF they're right for you...but, perhaps you might consider stepping outside the box for some new observations....at least Jazzy and I have been around a bit longer and MAY have observed a touch more... I doubt if either of us "hang out"...it's just not a word that I ever used in regard to the dating process.....
Just my thoughts.
KK | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/14/2008 2:20:40 AM | IMHO
After studying relationship and marriage self-help for a while, I have come to realize that going very slow and dating multiple people is better and recommended. It allows you to have time to experience those up and downs with people, prior to exclusivity. It is recommended not to marry before 2 years of knowing someone. That is the psychologist's approximate time frame for the honeymoon (infatuation) phase to be over and for both people to really let their hair down, as well as see someone in many different social, emotional, family, and career situations, good and bad. It's enough time for all the real secrets to come out. It's enough time to see how someone communicates and handles themselves in all types of situations. I think if more people went slower and didn't jump to focus on one person so fast, there would be less divorce.
Personally, I don't want "getting serious" to be the primary goal, I want developing a great friendship to be the primary goal because I have strong values as to what a good friend is and it takes that to move on with me to be more than friends. I can't be more than friends with someone I don't respect as a having the friend values that I have. I want moving on to the next stage to be something that happens because I really know and respect someone deeply. I feel this will be gradual and from the aforementioned
time frames and experiences.
In my experience, people that have the qualities to be a true and good friend are the same it takes to be a good mate: loyal, dependable, attentive, honest, flexible, caring, understanding, supportive, forgiving, close in moral, intellectual, spiritual, and philosophical ways, etc. It takes time to find out and develop that. As my profile says, one of these good friends may rise to the top as a mate potential, but that will be over months to a year.
Dating more than one person actually helps one keep a cool head, especially when one meets someone who looks like a great fit right away. It helps keep the "googoo eye" factor in check for both people. It helps give perspective on that person and keeps the infatuation factor from running away with either party. When both people are dating others it makes both go slower. I actually think it's a good thing because it takes a while to figure out where the issues will be with that person and you won't have "wasted" all that time not enjoying and getting to know other "possible" good candidates or people that could be good friends, if they are not "for you" as long term potentials or dates.
I don't want to commit to a person before I experience some of the tough times with them. If they desire a good friendship first, then they will work through issues for the sake of the friendship. If two people really like each other, they will put in the effort to work through those things, even not being steady, and the fact that they would while dating others only confirms how much they like you and care that they keep seeing you.
Resolving issues is a human relationship skill, whether it's friends or dates or mates. If they give up early and bail when the first rough patch comes, then they don't have the character you want in a friend or a mate, or they just don't like you enough anyway. Why spend months with each person waiting for the tell tale signs of a deal breaker, before you experience other people. It's a cue and people come in and people drop out at different rates. You drop some, some drop you. If you go one at a time, you might be 100 before you find the right one. Since Sept, I've had a few people decide I wasn't the one in short time. Why would I be exclusive for 1-4 meetings or 1-20?
To me, going steady is a precursor to engagement and engagement is a real commitment to actually marry the person. By engagement, one should know they ARE going to marry the person. No more questions, no backing out. Steady is the step before that where one still has a chance to back out, but it says, "I think you are good enough for me to have real potential, so lets work on approaching marriage and eliminate the distractions of dating others." Steady says "I now have enough experience with you in good and bad situations to want to focus more closely on us and marriage.
Ok here's the kicker...I know there are some guys that actually try to get you to date only them after the first or second or few dates and they use that approach to control your mind and heart to focus on them, eliminate any comparative competition, and ultimately use it to get someone in bed quickly, justifying it by the fact they are going steady with you. I've heard that story a few times about different guys, and about one guy in Gainesville pulling that on 3 girls I know.  Small world. Buyer beware. 
Sailor Man Mike
Rockin' Out to Life!
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/14/2008 6:52:40 AM | Well however you define "dating", if you don't have compatible goals and values with a person, it's time to say Thanks and then move on.
There are lots of reasons "Why" someone might do something, I'm more concerned with whether I can live with it or not.
But to me, man or woman, if you need to date to figure out what you want or don't want in a partner, maybe it's time to stop dating anyone and figure out what you do want. I don't necessarily agree that the best way to determine what you do or don't want can only be measured by actually dating. In fact, being in a dating situation makes you less objective period. Love makes you choose to be stupid a lot of the time. I think we have all been there to some degree. Sometimes I think you learn more by watching people in a relationship from the outside. No, you don't get to see every dynamic, but you do get a better chance to be truly objective.
Here is how I see it - Your time is very valuable. And I think there is a difference between people who go on a bunch of first dates and cut those people loose and people who are engaged in multiple dates across weeks and months with a dozen people. If someone wants to do the latter, that's their time and their life. It's their right. I don't see myself being compatible with someone like that. That's my right.
And who says casual dating, however you define it, is going to tell you anything you need to know anyway? People hide their worst flaws to start. And they will hide them much better if you have to contend with multiple people all doing the same thing.
Most women out there typically want marriage and kids. At least if they don't have them or had them already. I think multiple dating is a really poor way to find a good life mate for women. It's a lot easier to reject people sooner , much sooner, than even a little bit later. Also most women do not have a huge window of time to attract a really quality guy with a long term upside and have a child.
For whatever reason, as long as it's made clear upfront what the deal is, if someone lives their dating life in a way you can't live with, just don't live with it. | |
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spkit
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Joined: 11/11/2008
Msg: 873 | |
| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/14/2008 11:12:25 AM | | Dating is about options. I like having my options open. Men can date several women in any given period and women can't? How old school and controlling. | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/14/2008 11:42:16 AM | Dating…lol, what are the reasons people date anyway? To find compassion, love, sex…etc…or what they equate love being, which is usually sex! We are a society of instant gratification. We want it now, and we want it our way. It’s all about communication; if you don’t want to date people who date others at the same time…don’t date them! But don’t expect them to change just because you don’t believe the same way…we all have our ideals, good luck to though…I understand where you are coming from, people call it “old school” I call it having dignity and morals.
Happy fishing 
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 12/14/2008 2:29:51 PM | | Personally I do not date multiple guys at once. Never have, never will. You can only get to know a guy if you spend time with that person one on one. Dating multiple men would make that no possible. I have found a majority of men dating multiple women, which is a big turn off to me and it makes me loose interest and say next! | |
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