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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/2/2009 12:17:40 AM | | What's wrong with dating multiple people at once? It's a natural, rational course of a relationship. I don't think it's very rational to be exclusive with someone after only going out with them once; Maybe after three dates. I prefer relationships to have a dating part and then exclusive dating, etc. Maybe most other people consider dating something else but I consider it getting together and doing something like meeting at a coffee shop, going to play mini golf, or to dinner, or just an activity where you can just have fun and there doesn't have to be any tension or expectations. | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/2/2009 12:50:16 PM | AC Rhino,
I agree with the general message you're saying. I would say though, one should keep in mind on how the other person dates & sees dating, if it becomes clear (indirect assessment, conversation, etc.). You don't want to be clingy (if that's one's way), knowing the person is anti-relationship, and vice versa. That way you can steer the ship in a direction that will avoid the most drama.
I break the whole dating scene to relationships in 3 phases:
1. Pre-Dating Phase: From the time you approach someone and chit-chat to the time of a few dates (usually).
- You're hanging out in the sense, figuratively or literally, regardless of going out on official dates
- You're not datING them, despite going out on a date here and there. You're getting to know each other thru enjoying each others' company. All dates or get togethers are expected out of set plans (even if last minute).
- You mutually don't know with full confidence that you'll be see each other again if any set plans weren't already in place, despite maybe being very confident that you'll be in communication at least.
- You can do this with more than one person; no commitments. Nobody is "dumped". Instead, people are "blown off" (ie wisely, no big emotional expectations should be had).
2. Dating Phase: You've been consistently dating each other, and no set plans have been required.
- By default, you're exclusive. You're not meshing your lives together, but you are meshing your free-time lives together.
- Full confidence you'll be seeing each other again, as it'd be a stupid question to ask. Maybe not for the long-haul, but over the course of the coming weeks? Yeah, of course (unless you're fighting).
- You're not necessarily spending ALL your free time together by any means, but you are consistently seeing each other, and hang out at each others' places with full comfort, etc.
- Upon things faltering, you can't just "disappear", as you have to confront them about it (not a blow off). It can be said people are "dumped", but it's temporary heart-break.
3. Established Relationship: You've consistently dated for a good while and know each other backwards and forwards. You're meshing lives, not just much of each others' free-time.
You are what you DO repeatedly, not the label you'd like to give it. If you've been with someone non-platonically 4 or 5 times a week for a while, you're a couple, whether you'd like to call it something else or not. Yes, there can be gray areas where awkwardly talking about things should be had, but many times it's not required. Hence, many times the writing's on the wall, whether you'd like commitment but aren't in a situation that'd call for that by default, or you'd like to avoid commitment but by default it's been demonstrated that you should (by default).
"Having your cake and eating it too" = Dating Phase (seeing each other frequently as always) + seeing other people | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:26:59 PM | the same way men date multiple women at the same time.....
until u are a couple then i think its fair game to keep your options open...that usually takes a couple months to decide on that. just because u go on one date doesnt mean you should delete ur profile and only see that person...now after 2 or 3 months and you decide to be exclusive then yes, i feel both people should delete their profile and give each other the respect of not dating anyone else. | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:33:17 PM | So says the 42 year old single man with no children. How's that dating multiple women thing working for you? 
Great.
I don't have the baggage, liabilities or constraints of ex-wives and children.
It's called, always being "available".... | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:47:51 PM | | lets see how you feel at 65 in a nursing home, lonely and by your self....theres nothing wrong with having children...thats what people do. Id much rather be seen as being a mother and having my baggage than being 45, no kids, never been married and being seen as someone who is obviously afraid of commitment. | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:00:20 PM |
lets see how you feel at 65 in a nursing home, lonely and by your self......
Well, seeing as I have tons of friends now, I don't expect I'll ever feel alone at that age either...
theres nothing wrong with having children...thats what people do. Some people do. And there's nothing wrong with people who do differently...
Id much rather be seen as being a mother and having my baggage
Ya, I read your profile. 33, divorced, 3 kids, and what you list as a profession is "job searching".
I'm good with my track record, thanks...
than being 45, no kids, never been married and being seen as someone who is obviously afraid of commitment.
Then you're concerned about those who use circular reasoning to postulate that people who have never failed at marriage are commitment phobes? | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:05:40 PM | Why not? Its fun! Women do not wear one pair of shoes why should men be any different! LOL
Seriously So long as you are not sleeping with all of them what difference does it make.
If I find 2 men interesting and want to date both why not. Love is a numbers game you just have to search threw a lot of coal to find the diamond you want. You may find a few diamonds on the way and need to find which one fits in your setting.
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/3/2009 8:05:37 PM | If I have not made a commitment to a man nor him to me to date exclusively, I will date others. When I first meet a man it takes me a while to get to know him well enough to decide if I even want to be in an exclusive relationship with him. I don't trust those "beginning date good behaviors" to predict future behaviors. I want to see him when he is faced with disappointment perhaps in his job; when he has to negotiate a child care issue with his ex-wife; as well as how he handles when I might have to cancel plans with him when "work calls". I also want to see if he still shows me the respect he showed me when we were first dating and if my opinions at least count when we need to negotiate something.
These are some of the issues (or a multitude of others depending of the two people involved) that may be faces. If not these, there will always be others...I also want to see if he tends to be consistent; meaning, can I count on the way he acts on will be the way he will be for the long haul...or is he just acting this way to stay on my "good" side.
It typically takes me about three to six months (perhaps more) to get to know a person well enough to decide whether or not I am ready to proceed to exclusiveness to determine if we have the staying power for something more permanent. | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/3/2009 8:16:44 PM | I think one of the best things that it does is to diffuse some of that heady build up when meeting someone new. Dating a few people slows down the likelihood of ramping up too quickly, and that allows you time to really understand the other person. As Carrie mentions above...it gets you through those 'beginning date good behaviors' to predict future behaviors.
^^^confident-realist---I liked your 3 phase analysis. | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/3/2009 10:04:20 PM | | Dating one man from teh jump puts all your hopes and trust in him too soon. If he flakes out, you have to start over. I have now come to the realization that going out on dates with more than one man is the safest bet until you find that one that steals your heart. It also makes it soyou don't get attacjhed too soon. | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:42:45 PM | Anyone, who has to date more than one person at a time to keep themselves from moving too fast, falling in love too quickly, or needs more "choices" to decide if a person is right for him or her, isn't mature enough for a long term relationship anyway.
Most adults, I know, have busy lives and very little time to date as it is. So, why would that person waste that free time on a "maybe," when you've met someone you're already interested in? Are people these days so immature and impatient that they can't relax and see how something develops before seeing if the grass is a better shade of green somewhere else?
If I meet someone I like, I date that person until something develops or don't like that person anymore. I can always meet someone new if nothing happens with the person I'm currently dating. It's as simple and clean as that.
Dating is not an investment, nor is it a race to some metaphorical finish line. It's relaxing, laughing and taking the time to get to know a person. Anything less is playing, "the game." That is one of the reasons I rarely feel sorry for people who get, "played."
Lateef | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/4/2009 12:14:59 AM | fixp76,
I have to side with the 40-something single guy with no kids. You're saying that as if he's missing out on an essential, which he's not. Like he's unemployed?
I think the debate here isn't about "datING" multiple people at one time -- it's about going "starting things out" with more than one person at one time -- and there is absolutely no pattern of "childless" or "never married" people who do that more than others.
It's common sense. Starting things out (a date/meeting/hi-how-are-ya) with more than one person isn't a bad thing -- it's a 100% positive thing. It's negative to clinch onto someone you really don't know from the get go, because it can so-easily not click and result in emotional drama if you do.
People don't like being another member of competition -- that's why people whine about it. Truly (frequently as a standard routine) dating more than one person? Yeah, that's crazy. But again, too many people think the world should revolve around THEM because they got someone to email them back and forth and has interest.
It's can be better single and have not gone down the road with someone who wasn't for you when married/lived-together and had kids, than be someone who has. Sometimes it's better the opposite way if it was a good thing for the most part, but grew apart. Every situation's different. At the same time, kids are awesome and precious, but you shouldn't knock someone because they avoided having kids when it wouldn't be a good idea. Far too many people get married for dumb reasons, and far too many people "oops" and have kids. You can't turn to others and say "you dont have kids/been-married because you're failing at something" - lol. | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/4/2009 5:29:06 AM | | Well, i am fine with it, i mean as long as they ain't sleeping with all of them and as long as she doesn't call out another guys' name when calling me....or something, in the end, if she is interested in me, she shouldn't be with anyone else. | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:05:55 AM | | I certainly would NOT be intimate with someone unless I was dating him exclusively and he was exclusive with me !!!! I think that's another good reason to perhaps go out with others until such time as both of you are ready to make it an exclusive relationship. There is such a thing as personal pride and integrity.......... | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:42:17 AM | Until you both agree to be exclusive, one assumes it's okay to date others. I've also learned that it is important to clearly state what an exclusive relationship looks like...not just exclusive to sexual activities but also kissing and dating. Good communication that goes beyond expectations is important for well running relationship.
Multiple guys...she hasn't made a decision or she likes what each one offers and they each offer something different. Sometimes it's hard to choose when you have equally strong candidates. | |
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ceoil
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Joined: 6/12/2009
Msg: 1045 | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/5/2009 8:45:28 AM | Point taken Lateef, but everyone has their opinions and I will tewll you I had a ltr(3 years and I never had the desire to date anyone else when I was in it) and I think going out on dates with a few people gives you a chance to know people and not settle on one person too quickly. My ex went out on dates with another women when he met me and he decided wewere a match. I wasn't angry with him because he and I were merely enjoying each other's company and keeping it light. When we decided to be exclusive, it was another astory.
I was glad that he gave himslef choices before we settled in. Unfortunately other issues lead to us going our separate ways, but we had a good run and he's a great person and btw, very mature and responsible. Dating IMO is an investment of time and I am busy like you said. I like quality interaction and don't go for the quanity.
In conclusion, the choice to go out on dates with more than one person is not a bad one isf all involved are aware of what's going on, people are not being intimate and no one is being hurt by it. Maturity comes in making the choice that is right for you without hurting others
Nikki | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/20/2009 11:18:53 PM | Strawberry jam; you, so eloquently, wrote how I feel. sheliam, you and I have "good taste" in whom we agree with! LOL!
Only once did I ask a man I was "growing feelings for" to please make him and I exclusive....... until we knew if we had a shot at romance. It was a mistake. I was wrong. If you have to ask.......not mutually come to that assumption.....just not a good thing.
I am not jealous or possessive. I do not care if who I am "dating"...is "dating" others. If it is meant to be between him and I; it is meant to be. I would RATHER my potential mate...... date others...I never want him to wonder if he has "settled" ........but truly has found his BEST match
Lets face it.......us wonderful people are compatible with lots of other wonderful people...to a point. We just want the one who "fits best" with us!
Also...if you like someone enough to see them again or even to keep in touch....you OUGHT to desire happiness for them....even if it is NOT with you. Those are GENUINE, unselfish feelings...... when it comes to caring for another person. Unfortunately........ too many people equate "caring about someone else" with their personal emotional needs, ONLY.
We are all on the same quest....finding a companion to share life with...each one has their own path to get there......there is no "right or wrong" way. | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/20/2009 11:39:27 PM | | I am a serial dater and believe that unless you have met that person who takes your breath away, it'd be best to keep on dating and keeping the options open. | |
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| Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 7/21/2009 10:33:53 AM | | Dating ,is like jobs interview the best one take the job is all i can say, and yes i go out whth different people, no sex involved but i choose the one that give me more time, and treat me the best. , to find the right one you have to kiss many frogs before to get the blue prince lol. | |
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I think guys are more afraid that serial daters are serial ****ers.