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Posted: 12/28/2007 3:55:31 AM | They should have set a limit for each other beforehand. He probably had no idea that she was going to spend so much on him. I would have said "wow thanks, but I really can't accept this, it's too extravagant." That being said, a gift is a gift, not an expectation.
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Posted: 12/28/2007 4:15:42 AM | "I would have said "wow thanks, but I really can't accept this, it's too extravagant." "
Very good point. His accepting the gift is not a good sign about him.
What would the woman in the case would have thought if he had said that? Would she still be puzzled and want to terminate it or what? That is IMO a good question for the OPie to pose to her friend as food for her thoought!
When one person makes 10 times as much as the other, or ten times less, that is not a good foundation for even a "business partnership". Unless the high earning one needs someone to do the support finctions at home for him (or her) to be able to go out in the work/business world and make the megabucks! But the law says in many countries that 50% of the earning during the official "partnership" go to each partner. Wise law IMO. Thus in a "partnership" mentality or type of rel, the financial equity question is that the person who makes more how much does he/she value the support contribution of the partner in making that extra?
There is a financial/business way to approach a rel and there is a love based one. To mingle them is a tad messy (aka not transparent), IMO.
PS. Let's recall that financial matters are the main cause for a large majority of divorces in OECD countries.
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Posted: 12/28/2007 6:13:21 AM | | OK, first - she shouldn't have given him such an extravagant gift. She simply can't afford it. She needed to give what she could afford, and accept what he gave or didn't give. A gift is something given. It isn't something you expect. She needs to grow up, and let it go. You can be disappointed about something, but as an adult, you need to separate out what matters and what doesn't. Her expectations are not his problem, just as his expectations are not hers. What was not thoughtful about his gift? They've only been going out for four months...what did she expect? | |
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Posted: 12/28/2007 6:44:58 AM | She's been with the guy four months and this is her first indication that he is a tightwad?
Some people are not into Christmas or gift giving of any kind, but they may be generous in every other way.
She is a single mom and yet it does not appear that she spent beyond her means on his gift. So, what is she worried about? If she did spend beyond her means, she is an idiot but should not blame him for her poor choices. If he is a good guy, if he would help her if she were in a financial jam, she is really just being a biatch about this.
Yes it hurts her feelings that she did not get the gift she wanted but the things he bought sounds like he put some thought into it. She needs to look at the big picture. If this guy refrains from spending money on her in general and this makes her miserable then she should stop seeing him but if she is upset because he didn't get a more romantic gift, she needs to get a grip. Good men are hard to find and this would essentially be throwing him away for nothing if she chooses to make an issue of it. | |
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Posted: 12/28/2007 7:11:07 AM |
I also told her if she was willing to break up with him over this, than do so as this was definitely NOT the guy for her, if something as little as this could get her this upset.
I think you got this backwards. Is not that this is not the GUY for her. It's that SHE is not the GIRL for him. If I am the guy, I would dump her, two seconds flat. | |
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Posted: 12/28/2007 8:26:27 AM |
I'm wondering how much the OP's friend spent on the gifts for her kid...
Oh, Do Ya? Do ya Reeeeealllllly?
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Posted: 12/28/2007 8:40:38 AM | So she went overboard for their first Christmas? 400 bucks is way too much to spend on a guy for the first holiday together... It almost seems like she's trying to buy his love with that kind of gift. If she's presenting a materialistic side, there's no way that he'll ever be able to make up for a faux-pas of this magnitude, in her eyes. If she's that concerned about it, then she needs to tell him, not you OP. Money/financial issues are one of the surest ways that a relationship hits the skids, ya know? Besides, some peeps just suck at buying presents for their partner.......(I got Neoprene Waders the last christmas I spent with my ex...)
Another holiday's coming up where the man in the relationship is supposed to spend his paycheck on, Valentine's Day. If he cheaps out on that one, then she'll have a clear-cut answer, wouldn't you say? | |
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Posted: 12/28/2007 10:07:06 PM | People have different ideas of what constitutes an appropriate level of spending for a Christmas gift. Many of us have been taught that it is the thought put into the gift; that is important; that spending more than a token amount is actually inconsiderate when the person you are giving to may feel embarrassed by your generosity or may feel that they have to buy you a gift of equal value. If he is mean, it will have shown up in other things already.
I don’t see how you can feel so certain that his gift was less thoughtful than hers, It may have been very thoughtful – he chose something that was not embarrassingly expensive, something that was practical and also something that was purely for relaxation, Presumably, she likes gardening or has mentioned an interest in it and presumably the music was not completely at random either. People latch on to odd things when trying to think of something another person will like.
I think she should try to talk with him about it. Something along the lines of: “I feel kind of embarrassed that I spent so much on you when you obviously weren’t expecting it. I hope it didn’t make you feel too awkward to receive X when I had bought you Y”. She can then say either: “I do think it is nicer to do things your way and buy a thoughtful smaller gift and next time I will do the same” OR “I was brought up to believe that you should be generous when spending on gifts and when I spend a lot more money on someone than they spend on me, I feel like I’m misreading the relationship -- but I don’t think you were brought up with the same ideas, so I wonder what you think about this….” – and discuss it, seeking understanding. | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 5:21:19 PM |
While he claims he is in love with her, she has her doubts about how she really feels about him.
He senses this and does not want to make her feel smothered or like he is trying to buy her affection. Thus, he chooses a less showy present...
He bought her a CD and some gardening tools.
....that still shows that he was thinking of her and cares about her hobbies. He wants to show her that he cares about her as a person.
thoughtless and inexpensive
Your friend needs to learn that these are two separate terms that are not interchangable.
While I disagree with the posters who say $400 is always too much to spend that early in a relationship, I do not think it is ever required. You should never spend beyond your means, but if you WANT to get them something expensive, that is fine-----just don't expect the other person to do the same. | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 5:25:24 PM | You just asked the same question in another thread, what you need validation or it the girl really you?
Same answer as before, except I would add the guy should ditch the bi tch, count his blessings, if she has to place value on a gift because shes in a relationship for 4 months , then she has the issues not him. | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 11:17:19 PM | sounds to me like your girlfriend needs a lesson in gift giving protocol.
its chicks like her that make it difficult for the rest of us.
lets start here,, since she spent any money on him, she should have done it wanting and expecting nothing in the way of a return gift. a simple "thank you" from him should have been enough for her. but since you paint her as petty, lets go there, shall we?? seems to me she is overly concerned with the difference in dollar amounts spent on the gifts. perhaps we/she should be focusing on what he bought as to how much it cost. the cd,, was it sentimental in any way to him or her? perhaps it was an artist she said she liked, or was interested in. the gardening tools the same,,does she garden? has she expressed an interest in gardening at all?
i dont think she wanted him to be more thoughtful, it sounds like she wanted him to be as extravagent as she was. sounds to me like she puts the emphasis on the dollar amount rather than the sentiment. seems like she equates what thought went into a gift by the pricetag attached.
i can recall the biggest smiles from presents i have given have also been with probably the smallest of pricetags. the floor quilt i made for my sisters first child,, cost nearly nothing,, was made from scraps and an old blanket, and lots of love from me,, her big sissy. three xmas's ago,, cost me $2 of a download cost to burn to a cd, a recording of an old andy griffith bit my younger brother used to imitate when he was a boy. everyone in the room remembered that he did that and smiles all over the room.
so you see "virginia,, there is a santa claus" and she isnt a petty miser worried more about the cost of a gift and the reciprocation of grattitude than appreciative of the sentiment attached to the person giving the gift. | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 11:49:13 PM | | Spending $400.00 on a gift for somebody that you've only been dating for a few months is a bit strange. Now, call me strange if you want to, but couldn't this whole thing have been avoided by a pre-arranged spending limit agreed to by both parties? | |
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Posted: 12/30/2007 12:06:07 AM |
Now, call me strange if you want to, but couldn't this whole thing have been avoided by a pre-arranged spending limit agreed to by both parties?
But then that is attaching a dollar value to the gifts.
I don't like this with sig other's. What if you decide to make something that costs little or no money but lots of time? What if you find the perfect gift but it is either above or below the spending limit?
I think you will still have people who complain "we agreed to $100 and he/she only spent $95" or "we agreed to $100 and he/she spent $300 just to show off and make me feel guilty." | |
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Posted: 12/30/2007 8:07:17 AM | | The point is in giving. I've given gifts that cost a lot, some not as much. The important part (for me) is putting my heart into giving, and the 'gift' is an expression of such. Having it analyzed for it's 'cost', vs. it's 'value' would be disappointing and a pause for reflection. | |
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Posted: 12/30/2007 2:14:04 PM | ""Spending $400.00 on a gift for somebody that you've only been dating for a few months is a bit strange.""
YEAH, what she said. not to mention, the op said "her friend" wasnt sure about the b/f's feelings. so just what was she doing/thinking spending $400 on someone you're not sure? sounds to me like someone was tryin to manipulate the situation. | |
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Posted: 12/31/2007 8:21:33 PM | Tell ya what....that gal has more money than brains! They've been together 4 months...and though they may both be crazy about each other (or not) she shouldn't be investing that much into some guy she doesn't know any better than that. I'm the kinda gal that would give the shirt off her back to someone, but even I wouldn't spend that kinda money on a guy I'd only been dating 4 months!
I'm with another poster here...does she garden? does she like the cd? It could be his gift was VERY thoughtful, rather than pricey. That doesn't mean he's a cheapo...just means that for him, it was the THOUGHT that counted. I sure hope she didn't hurt his feelings when she opened it. | |
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Posted: 1/1/2008 12:55:23 AM | Well..for one thing, it's not the gift that means something, it's the thought he put in it...maybe, she didn't think it was a very thoughtful gift and he did. He's a man, (what I mean by that, some men don't even think of gifts or what makes his girlfriend happy)he thought she would like the CD (which I think is cute) and the gardening tool..obviously, he had to pick that out for her.
OK.....another thing to think about, they have only been dating 4mths and she spent $400 on a "toy"???? Wow....for one thing I could date him or marry him and after a 100 years, I wouldn't spend $4o0 on a toy!!!! Sorry...this is just me, but I would have rather just had him w/ me and having fun, laughing, holding hands, etc..etc..
After 4mths, I think his gift was appropriate and sweet.
Honestly, I think he put more thought into his gift than she did w/ hers.
I think she needs to learn how to appreciate someone else in here life, you don't judge people or think that they like you any less because they gave you a gift that costs less than yours...that's just wrong! What's the use of giving someone a gift, if you are just looking for something (expensive) in return. It's supposed to make a person feel good to give someone a gift, she shouldn't be comparing what he gave her to what she gave him. I have a few people in my family (mainly, by marriage) that are just like that and now they aren't together anymore because MONEY was the issue!!!! SAD!!!
Yes, my family member compared her gifts to what we gave her too. | |
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Posted: 1/1/2008 7:08:07 AM | | Well I started dating someone about 2 weeks before christmas and he bought me a pair of diamond earrings for christmas and I have not seen him since. We talked a few times after, but then he just totally disappeared! What's up with that? I don't understand it at all. | |
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