| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/30/2007 4:41:30 PM | Having a relationship with the ex?
Of course I have a relationship with my ex... we were married for years, we have a child together... we're going to be stuck dealing with one another on a regular basis for another 15 years at least. What possible advantage is there to not getting along? Just because we're friendly (or friends for that matter) doesn't mean we want to be together again/still.
Just because you can't live together, doesn't mean you have to completely break off all contact. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/30/2007 5:10:18 PM | | i have read many posts here that they help the ex because of the kids..does this mean when the kids are grown you will cut off that assistance?..personally i wouldn't contact my ex for anything.i have other family members,friends or even neighbours for assistance.as has been said here as well, it would depend on the circumstances of the breakup..i tend to agree,and i do agree it is better to get along then squabble,but is it fair to run to an ex's every beck and call..i'm speaking about on a regular basis..after all the break up was for a reason..be amicable to each other..but shouldn't we each go our own way with new relationships? if you don't want them to be a part of your life any longer, but you keep running to them instead of being independant of each other,why did you separate in the first place? | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/30/2007 5:38:31 PM | OP
Kudos to you for modelling compassionate behavior for your kids, regardless of their age. If circumstances were such that my ex needed short term help, I would be there. Its just my character. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/30/2007 5:45:43 PM | I am with dash on the 'yes/no' answer.
My last serious relationship ended basically because not only was his ex wife of five years, but also his ex fiancee (a more recent ex at the time than I was orignally lead to believe) constantly calling or popping over for his help. Every week, it was either one or the other or both asking for his help (most of which was silly stuff and they BOTH had new men in their lives).
He had many reasons and excuses for constantly being at their beck and call and none really made any sense to me, except he was the type to never say no and also was not only their's but everyone's doormat, except mine....lol. I guess mainly because when (which was rare) I asked for his help, he was too busy with his band or 'work' (he had no real job) or of course had promised to help one of the exes.. that got real old real fast.
However, I have had 2 occassions where I ended up having to accept help from two exes, one was years ago when I had no ride home from the hospital and couldn't afford a cab (it was 2am and I had an asthma attack, a friend stayed with me until I was told I would be held over nite, so I told her to take my car and go home, then later I was told I could leave, I didn't call my friend as she lived with her parents and I didn't want to wake them as she already was in trouble with them), so I called my ex's mom's where his sister lived to see if she would come get me. He answered and said she was sleeping and he'd come get me, I wasn't thrilled as we had just broken up, but oh well.
The next was not long after the aforementioned bf with all the exes constantly calling, my father suddenly died and I had to get to the ariport to fly back home, all my friends were working and one of them that I knew would not be had his phone off, he lived with my ex so I called the ex to see how to get ahold of Rob, our mutual friend. The ex of course took me to the airport.
But, both these incidents were not of my choice and emergencies of a sort.
My mom never asked my Dad for help after they divorced and I guess that's where I get my opinion that it really shouldn't be done. Of course help with kids is a given.
My view on it is, we are not a couple anymore and should not expect each other to be there as a couple would be. As far as being friends still, I have always remained friends with an ex (accept the last guy, he was just too awful in the break up period), but the friendship would of course fade once one of us started something new with someone else.
Why clutter up a new relationship, as a wise older man once said to me, relationships are hard enough, why drag an ex relationship into a new one?
Again, of course if kids are involved, it is sometimes neccessary. My last bf had no kids with either ex. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/30/2007 5:55:09 PM | I would help my ex out and frankly I did---when he moved out I helped him pack his stuff and then helped him unpack at his new place. We still talk daily on the phone and have both decided that we want to become friends again--for no other reason than we forgot to be friends while we were together and its sabotaged our relationship.
There are days it hurts a great deal but I guess in one way my saving grace is that my kids are 18 1/2 & 17--and this was the "stepdad" --as much as he was their dad and the feelings hurt of him being gone, I don't have to around for visits and stuff.
I don't not want to have him around---he was the one I turned to for a long time and on some levels still do. I have no question that he would return the help if I needed it and he will be when I move in March. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/30/2007 5:59:45 PM |
To ease the children's burden
Yup, I am not very willing to help her, but if its for the kids, anything. They will know who worked for them in the years down the road. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/30/2007 7:45:58 PM | My ex was in a car accident and needed lots of help. She was in and out of the hospital and nearly died. She has a boy friend of many years who was by her side through most of it. Since she had no insurance and was being tooled around by the health care system, and by some of her relatives that should have provided more help, I stepped in. She stayed at my home for a while and my adult daughter acted as her nurse. She needed a hospital bed and various monitors that wouldn't fit in her boy friends house. She used my daughter's room and I helped as much as was needed. She left when she was able. It didn't hurt me a bit.
She's my daughter's mother, so it was no problem. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/30/2007 7:53:51 PM | | If helping out someone that you felt close enough to actually marry in an emergency is a crime to some people, those people need to get a life and those people need to get a life. I was with my X for 16 years and not too many people are going to ever get to know me any better than her. That doesn't mean we can live together and have a relationship, but it does mean that we share something most people will never. She needs my help? I'm there because I know I could count on her the same way. You can look at a Divorce (failed marriage) as a learning experience for both or you can be petty and "Hate" the othe person. Face it, you married them for a reason so there's no excuse for treating them like shit afterwards. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/30/2007 8:39:00 PM | only if he was brave enough to ask for my help oh yeah, and if he got rid of the factory s1ut he screwed around with, while I was married to him. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/30/2007 9:34:40 PM | | I think you have to look at the fact that most people would rather die than ask the ex for help. So, when you do have to ask the ex for help, you are mostly dead. You (the askee) can't turn down a mostly dead person! You have to help. Help, a favor, a compromise, you do that every time you deal with an ex when you have children. I would do it in a heartbeat. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/30/2007 9:42:27 PM | | I have helped my ex and he in turn has helped me out. I am glad that we still have a relationship where we can do that for one another. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/30/2007 9:51:22 PM | | I think it's being a decent human being and a great father. I've done the same thing. Not exactly the same situation, but I never saw any reason to withhold something I could easily do for another person and especially the father of my child. I've always suspected, too, that, had the shoe been on either of their feet, they would have done the same for me. In fact, when I had a heart attack 3 years ago, I was contacted by both to see if I needed anything when I got home from the hospital. Just b/c we couldn't be married didn't mean we had to be hateful to each other. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/30/2007 9:56:47 PM | Well unfortunately I had to cut off the assistance since my ex told a third party(which came back to me) she would accept whatever assistance I was prepared to give but had no use for me..... this is yes the mother of my children but also someone who was not prepared to encourage and support my relationship with my kids including threats to pit the kids against me....obstructing my access, picking up my kids on father's day without me knowing about it and my kids went with her because they "supposedly wanted to go". My son's birthday is in August and my ex planned a birthday party for him and his friends in December on my weekend without my permission....it was impossible to make any plans to do things memorable with my kids since just about every access visit was interfered with.
That being said, I just cannot stoop to her level of immaturity and maliciousness but no matter what, there is a 15 and 12 yr old caught in the crossfire which is the most unfortunate part. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 12:05:28 AM | | yes i would help a ex.i did help my ex untill he died.he had cancer and i went over to his mothers and hlped with him. i wish he was alive so i could still help with him.we have childern but all grown but one and shes 16. and my ex son in law still helps out my daughtur.he will carry her and her boy friend where ever thay need to go.but thay have small childern.so yes i think you should help out a ex. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 12:11:02 AM | | Both my ex's put me through hell on earth, and still do on occasion by some of the things they do, which ripple back and affect me and the kids. Still, those two guys are my children's dads and I would do anything I could to help them, if only for that reason. I'm a very kind hearted person, and I may not like a person's ways, but I don't know of but maybe one person I wouldn't help, and if it came down to it, I might even help her if she really needed it. Just how I am. Sappy huh? | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 12:49:30 AM | | You spend upteen years with someone, kids or no kids, presumeably you loved them for all these years. My ex was not mean or cruel. He just simply thought he could have another sex partner and that I would not mind. (so wrong!) When I divorced him, he headed for hard times and I ended up renting him one of my houses to him and his new woman and her kids. Some of my family members think I am crazy for doing this, but I felt bad for him since he ruined his credit and could not rent anywhere. I'm ok with it. I want him to be happy in life and maybe someday someone will help me out. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 1:33:31 AM | | I think it's great to be able to stay friends with an ex. I'm glad to say my parents are very close even after going through a divorce a few years ago. They were married for 34 years, have four children (and grandchildren) together, and are still very important to each other. There were a couple years of awkwardness, but now they spend lots of time together as friends, and my dad has helped my mom out financially a lot when she needed it, with no strings attached. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:55:44 AM | my ex has a boyfriend. I think its the same guy she was dating last year... thankfully due to her being popular with men and appearing to be very caring of them, she will never have to call me for a ride.
Also thankfully, she has a good job making about 100K a year and can pay for a taxi if she is unable to get someone to drive her.
would I help her?
no... right after we divorced I did but saw she was just going to keep calling me for every little thing, so I started to say no and dated. I found it was better to spend my time with new women than the old one. My ex has to learn to live on her own and be responsible for her house, car and repairs... she needs to learn to call a repairman or get her bf to fix things.
what is unfortuante is that I doubt she will ever marry again, she is middle aged now and because of drinking and suntanning looks older.
She has bothered me some with my dating because I date women who are younger than she is and far better looking and has tried to run them off on occasion from my life, so I stay away from the ex now...
that would include rides. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 5:03:03 AM | one ex cheated on me for 3 months and then married the other guy. He whole family knew about it but didn't bother to even try to scare me off. (remind me to blow their house up).
2 months into the relationship, I get a call from the ex who now wants me to help her move out from her apartment and she is leaving this *better than me* husband. (ex-con, drug dealer, alcoholic, liar).
I went over there but missed the right time. I should have saved my gas or better yet left a note on the door... "You got your self into this, now move yourself out of it". Cheater.
but I digress....
Another ex asked for help putting up a swing set for her son. I got a buddy and we went and put that swing set up. I still don't know why her BF couldn't do it but they are happy and married now for almost 2 years! :D
It all depends on the person. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 5:26:31 AM | | like many others, I think that what you are doing is very honorable, there is nothing wrong with helping someone, a past partner, a friend whatever | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 6:57:25 AM | Thnaks for all the great responses....and I notice many are from men who are supposedly part of the creep genre yet put their differences were aside and do when they can...to make it clear...my ex is in a wheel chair cannot walk nor drive has limited movement of her extremities. There have been on a few occasion where my daughter wanted to go to the mall and asked if her mom could piggy back on a ride with me. Well my ex continued to diss me behind my back and I offer no more help.....she is so unappreciative and after what she did to me I should like one guy said show up with a gas can not helping her out....I am no saint by any stretch of the imagination but I do have a lot of compassion and empathy.
The reason I asked this was because I dated someone briefly and she stopped seeing me under the guise that I was still too involved with my ex. She said my helping was not normal and that I was still "connected" to my ex and I couldn't let it go and said I wasn't ready to accept someone in my life. This was a lady who preached the Christian Faith and told me how god helped her through her "hard" life yet I said to her one of the commandments is love thy neighbour.....she almost had me believing that she was right and now that I see the positive responses from all of you, I know in my heart I did the right thing(especially for the sake of my kids) because I am compassionate human being.......but I stopped offering the help because of my ex's derogatory comments about me so I stopped helping....I am compassionate but I am not a doormat.
I was trying to set an example to my kids to be good citizens and to teach them hatred only breeds contempt but now I am teaching them that it is ok to help people but not allow them to take advantage of you.
As for this lady.....well I now see that the teachings of her faith have not penetrated her soul. For someone who preaches scripture and says they believe but allows her own anger to be closed minded can only have a closed heart.
I have learned a lot of things from meeting many people here and primarily they are this
1) If you date someone who cannot show any kind of compassion towards an ex cannot truly show compassion to anyone else in a genuine unconditional manner.
2) I have dated some women who have openly done things like obstruct their children's access and denigrate their kids dad in front of the kids because the still have hatred towards their ex....how can people use children as a weapon to get back at their ex's is beyond my comprehension.....this is the worse form of premeditated child abuse.
Everywhere I read say women are the more nurturing gender yet not the one's I have been meeting. I know there are a lot of great women that do not have these qualities but its interesting the positive responses I received from women are across the border.....LOL
It is now clear to me.....how people treat others including their ex is a good indication how he or she will treat you.....if they treat others and their ex well chances are they will treat you well....if they constantly diss their ex...one can only think how he/she will treat you.
Thanks for all the great responses......these forums are great in seeking other people's opinions. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 7:15:57 AM | | My divorce was amicable, agreed but now that I joined the military it's going more towards claws out lets go to court......He does nothing to help me. Hell in the divorce he is supposed to pay our car insurance. I did not find out that they had cancelled it till I was trying to get on Ft. Campbell.... But I would help him if he needed it, I'm just that kinda person...I was kind enough to give him money out of my enlistment bonus when I get home from AIT... I can't see him living in a rat hole apartment with nothing..... But once I go to FT. Hood, I close this chapter on my life and start new and fresh out with the old in with the new...After that if he needs anything he can contact my lawyer cause right now I have nothing to say, but I wish you well and have a good life...Of course 12 years of adultry and lies kinda makes you not respect the person, I would never say hate because that is a harsh word but dislike and can't stand is more like it.....But he is my childrens dad and I have to respect him for that and as long as he pays the $1,500 a month child support, we should not have a problem........ | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 7:38:46 AM | well for those of you who have ex's with no kids....I agree you can cut the ties easily.....
But I have a 15 yr old daughter and a 12 yrs son
I am trying to model both my kids and teach my daughter not to let any man abuse her or control her and I am trying to teaching my to be respectful towards woman....but my ex had assaulted me in front of my kids....called me all kinds of superlative names that this forum would block....so at least one parent has to set the example. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 7:43:21 AM | If you have children the ex will forever be a part of your life. Not romantic, not passionate, just another family member (no different than a cousin or uncle).
Absolutely I would be there to help if he needed help. Absolutely I would be there for his new girlfriend (and/or wife) if she needed help. I wouldn't hold him or spend the night (that crosses boundaries, we aren't a couple and never will be again) but I would buy him groceries or drive him to the doctors, or pick him up if he was stranded somewhere with a car breakdown. Family supports family.
We don't have to like our family members but they are what we are born with (or what our children were born with) and thus shouldn't be abandoned in rough times.
I realize that for some this may not be an option due to betrayal or abuse - but some times you do have to put your kids best interest first. If you can't give him a drive, call a friend and ask them to give him a drive... there are ways to support people in need without being personally involved. | |
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