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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 8:02:39 AM | | I would and have helped my ex and he has helped me (financially and with home projects). He moved to my state and even my STREET since our grandson was born and we have done various chores and projects together without much problem. He was an alcoholic and I will not forget what he did to me back then but after 26 yrs I can put the past behind and help as a "friend" sorta. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 8:39:47 AM |
I wonder how many people would assist their ex's if he or she needed a ride to the hospital....doctor's appointment, buy the odd groceries because no one else was available.
I think there's a certain context to this situation.
If you have kids with this person, I think some kind of polite and conflict free type of interaction (notice I did not say "relationship") is probably a good idea. I also think if you have the same circle of friends or have industry/career linkage that it's a good idea to be polite and not look for the first fire fight possible.
If you don't have kids with the person, I think it's a much more complex story. In that case, I think it matters
A) How long you were with them?
B) What kind of relationship did you have? (married? lived together? just bang buddies? etc)
C) How did you break up?
D) Was there abuse, codependency or cheating involved?
I think if I was with a person who had an ex spouse, that I'd have to take all that into context to see how I'd feel about it. If there were kids, I'd accept some interaction at some level would exist the rest of their lives. If there were not kids, I guess I'd see if they could work out a situation where they could find some common ground without causing a conflict with me.
Personally? I'd just rather deal with someone who was never married before and didn't have kids before. I don't think divorce and/or kids are bona fide deal breakers, but they create a new complexity to an already complex dynamic.
Most of the guys who are in my industry, who were married, when I started have since been divorced. All were wiped out financially and all lost their kids in the divorce (hello two weekends a month!) and all now have their children used against them as weapons for manipulation. "Well you need to help me do this, because if you don't, little Johnny is going to suffer!" After seeing what many of my coworkers have gone through, it's not unusual to hear about heart strings being tugged and jerked at using the children to leverage out simply getting "what she wants done" I'd say about 75% of those men, if they don't "comply" then suddenly things come up that make the issues difficult for visitation, time spent, etc, etc. The rules aren't broken per se, but the tension is cut right as close to the line as possible.
Would I help an ex in a bind where there were no kids involved?
Maybe, depends on the ex, depends on what's going in my life and depends on what they are asking for me to do.
From my experiences with women and from discussions with former schoolmates, coworkers, friends and associates, I've discovered that most to many to nearly all my exes or the exes of these men, assuming no linkage through children, will only help or assist if there is something in it for them. If there is nothing in it for them, they won't bother.
I think this issue is another reason why many single childless people tend to avoid others with multiple divorces and/or children from past relationships. It often becomes too complex and too unwieldy to deal with. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 9:35:32 AM | Just: I have 2 X's (yes, did it twice). I have a child with the first and am very good friends with her regardless of what I think of her life-style. We have a child to raise so I think of her more as a sister. My second X and I parted ways after 16 years over her susbstance abuse. Although I do not condone it, it doesn't change that there's a good person under that mess that one day might be able to surface again. That doesn't mean I want to deal with it, she will make someone ELSE happpy one day. That all being said, I help both of them out when it's a resonable request.
I actually broke up with someone I was dating "Exclusively" because, as stated earlier in the thread, she felt that I was too attached to both of these women. She also seemed to resent when I had to actually be a "Daddy" and be involved in my Daughter's life. TOO BAD, get over it, I divorced the Wife, not the Kid...
So I don't think it's wrong to help, as long as that person appreciates what you're doing for them. I also think it's totally wrong for anyone "New" to complain about that, it just shows that they're insecure and would never be able to be a trusting soulmate.
Well, hope that "Male" point of view helps ya out. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 9:59:17 AM | My ex and i had a pretty crapy divorce because she was being a b!tch.
It wassn't bad enough that she cheated and lied to me , But then she decided to try to turn my grown children and my whole family against me out of jelousy because I let 2 pretty young ladies move in with me at the same time after the divorce.
That was over three years ago...
Now she has been trying to get me back and is being a better friend than she ever was as my wife.
I do help her all the time... I repaired her house after 2 trees fell on it during a storm.
I repaired her car when it broke down.
I gave her a refridgerator and two wood heaters as well as cutting her 3 loads of firewood.
She knows that I am still looking for my soul mate and that I will not give my heart to her again..
But we are friends with benifits,, we have sex often and she cleans my house.
I tell her about the gals I meet and she understands that someday I may move away to live with one of them..
She says that she is going to enjoy me all she can before that happens..
She wishes that she had done that while we was married... | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 10:06:04 AM | My ex-husband and I are usually amicable. Sure, he can be a pain in the backside, but we will do favours for each other on occasion. Because we have a child together, we must have a functional relationship and have always put any differences aside for the sake of our kid.
Mind you, if we didn't have a kid together, we would never see each other again. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 11:22:14 AM | way to do DDay555
I am not attached to my ex by any stretch of the imagination but because someone has done me harm I cannot do the eye for an eye thing
As Ghandi said if we all believe in "eye for an eye" the world would be blind | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 11:24:15 AM | | well my mom and dad recently divorce and my dad does that all the time. So i guess you can't be alone in the feeling. I myself would find it hard, but im a bit on the compassionate side so my heart just might make me do it even if the mind says no. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 11:45:53 AM | | Ok so I can be the witch here...My ex refuses to keep kids anytime other than his weekends, and not even then sometimes. He has refused to watch children so I could do a meeting or if they were sick and couldnt go to daycare, while he was unemployed and lived 6 blocks away...He told me that was what he paid child support for, which he doesnt pay...If he called me and needed help there is no way I would go out of my way to help him unless it in someway helped me, a couple fo times he needed the kids brought to him cause he couldnt drive and I did so only cause I had plans that night...He has rubbed it in my face for five years how the new woman is so much better than me, how I am the one with a problem, and how I should support the kids completely without his help...with him having that type of attitude I refuse to help him...He wanted her as his wife, he got her, and he can deal with the consequences in the future. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 11:54:38 AM | | I am friends with every "ex" I have ever had, along with some of their new significant others. Hate and bitterness are so unhealthy. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 12:13:22 PM | My son's father (I'll call him "Joe") and I have been divorced for nearly 10 years. Three years ago, a week before xmas, Joe's fiance dumped him, and slept with another guy in their home - while he was sleeping on the couch! I was horrified, and insisted he sleep on our couch xmas eve, and open gifts xmas morning with our son and I.
Although we've always been amicable, we've never really been friends. I think, however, if the chips ever came down, we'd back each others play.
He can get his own damn groceries, though.  | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 12:13:27 PM | | The best thing I did for my ex was to help him build a stronger relationship with his daughter. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 12:22:51 PM | | I've experienced both good and bad endings. There are a lot of factors involved so I can understand varying opinions on this train of thought. I would do (and have done) just about anything to help my ex as long as he is sober and trying. OTOH, one ex I wouldn't piss on if he was on fire. My kids' dad was about to be homeless a year or so back. I told the girls I couldn't stand the thought of him being on the streets so I was considering allowing him to stay with us for a while and they freaked. They consider him to be much more strict and uptight than me, and they didn't want his presence to impact their way of life. Fortunately, it didn't come to that. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:32:13 PM | | My ex and I don't get along and I avoid any unnecessary contact or conversation. But if either one of us is need we don't act petty. After all we were married for 12 years and we do have children together. And her family still accepts me as family and my family still looks at her as family. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:49:24 PM | Wow the responses from men who are understanding and sensitive to their ex is overwhelming.
Like I said I took a liking to someone who said that my "so called relationship" with my ex was "not normal" and how I needed to have a so called attachment to her precluded me from moving on........my ex after a terrible car accident is in a wheel chair, can't walk or drive and I offer to do some odd things for her in hope that I can be a positive role model my kids
Well I guess some people just don't grow up or feel so insecure with themselves or worse yet want to be controlling.
It is rather unfortunate my life experiences has made me cross paths with women I have dated who have so much resentment and hatred in their heart and do not know how to let it go....I guess I am just picking the wrong ones.
Like Ghandi said...if we all took an eye for an eye we would all be blind.
Well ladies there you go......many of us guys are not so bad after all. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:06:33 PM | | My ex passed away two years ago, however, when he was still alive I did help him with many items. Actually we helped each other. We had a son together and it was in the best intrest of our son that we made every attempt to get along. There were rough times of course, but we got through them. I'm greatful to say that on my son's birthday (the last one my ex lived to see) we celebrated it as a family. My son has that great memory and so do I. My parents did not have an amicable divorce and the only one who truly suffered was me. I swore to myself that I would do all I could do to ensure that my children would not suffer the same fate. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:16:11 PM | To Liley
Your post was so touching it really moved me....it is a shame your son had to endure the loss of his dad.....but what you have done for both your ex and you son is remarkable.....you ex will rest in peace and your son will live in peace for what you did.
A takes a little effort to make a few people you care about smile and your story made me smile....thanks | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 1/4/2008 4:48:31 PM |
Three years ago, a week before xmas, Joe's fiance dumped him, and slept with another guy in their home - while he was sleeping on the couch!
How sad that a man could be so much of a chump to actually allow himself to be in a situation like that in his own home. That is truly sad for a man to possess so little of a backbone..... | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 1/4/2008 5:04:13 PM | Bravo for you relentless! Don't listen to people so filled with hatred that they want you to act like a moron just because that's how THEY would act! You also have a "relationship" with your doctor, lawyer, and your barber...it doesn't mean you want to have sex with them!
My ex and I are so danged friendly (NO sex involved) that we're executors of each other's wills! In fact, his son came to my house for Christmas and was so comfortable with the "ex" situations that he invited his Mother to come with him and the grandkids LOL! When my daughter graduated from high school......ALL 4 of us "exs" sat together on my patio and had a great time! He (my first ex) sat in a corner with his mother, pouting because wife # 5 refused to come with him! LOL! Come to think of it....his sister and both brothers sat with us ex's too!
I just wish mine would get remarried so I'd have a place to go mooch a meal 3 nights a week like he does now! LOL! | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 1/4/2008 10:50:22 PM | Then I do not understand why so many people I have crossed paths with have so much hatred in their heart?
Is it jealousy? Is it fear? Is it insecurity?
Tell me why then people who supposedly care for one another aren't prepared to discuss it, resolve it, compromise....what ever? Short of infidelity(for me that is), all problems are resolvable.
What does it take for one to demonstrate to give the other person that sense of security they want and need when you are with them and not have them doubt or judge you of because of your past?
Have we all lost faith in people? | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 1/4/2008 11:04:29 PM | Grandma Boo, tonight I went to pick my daughter up from my ex's house, and my ex made chicken wings, I was bored, so we (my daughter and I) stayed there, had wings, talked, laughed, and ate. He complained about his girlfriend; I complained about men in their 50's acting like guys in their 20's on POF. We make very good friends; just lousy husband and wife.
I'm one of those -- what some might call weirdos-- who get along with my ex's (only one ex husband, others ex-boyfriends). I can't be bothered holding grudges, hanging on to hurt and anger, etc. It takes way too much energy to do that. Besides, the other person gets on with their life and there you sit, being bitter, blaming her/him for your problems. No thanks. I say get over it, and on with it  | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 1/5/2008 3:03:21 AM |
I can't be bothered holding grudges, hanging on to hurt and anger, etc. It takes way too much energy to do that. Or, as I've always said.....Why spend so much energy hating someone you don't even like?! LOL!
Hey skydancer? Think I could go with you to the ex's for a free meal? LOL! It sucks being the only ex who cooks! When I told mine that I wanted a divorce....all he said was...."I'll miss your cooking"! LOL apparently not much.....he still shows up at dinnertime.......errrr.....I mean...just to visit the grandkids! LOL! | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:52:29 AM |
While my divorce was not exactly amicable, I recognized that she would not make it on her own without help from me, period. Now, I see it as I loved her enough to marry her and plan a life together, I still want her to be happy with or without me.
Too bad more men don't have your level of class, Durango98. You have my respect and admiration. | |
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| Helping the ex spouse
Posted: 1/5/2008 6:19:07 AM | OP I admire you doing that and it sets a wonderful example for the children . I have always felt it is important for me to put whatever personal issues I may have with my ex spouse and show my children that although we are no longer married ,it doesn't mean we stop caring about a fellow human being ,especially one who used to be important in our lives .
When my ex hubby lived in the same area as me, we used to help each other out all the time . Friends and family thought it was strange we was able to get along well enough to help each other out, but I just consider it as us coming full circle in our lives . | |
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