| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 5:31:25 AM | | Hi Ignoble, you're really young to be thinking like that, and it's not realistic. If you expect to be screwed over, you will be. You will attract that to yourself. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 5:52:33 AM | Well if your profile isn't bait for a woman to come into your life push you over ...( you mentioning ) I been toy with and am not going there! You are attracting that kind of women into your life... by posting that .. some women like to control and take advantage of men . I advise you to change that . Look at everyone with a positive outlook and try to project a positive out look in life. women/people will see senses that , in you and you will attract women/people who you want into your life, hopefully not the rude ones you had in the past. .... You are Attracting them kind of women into your life without knowing it ..... it's like the man/woman who is looking for her father /mother figure ....don't get me wrong but some fathers/mothers are marvelous. But some act like they want to continued being punish through out their life (if their parents were abusive). Just my opinion.... Good Luck!   | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 5:52:43 AM | I have had my heart broken and am never going to allow a wall to be built around my heart. I may get hurt, but I acknowledge that hurt and find it as a way of knowing myself better. We miss out on so much when we close our hearts AND our minds: our ability to have hopes and dreams, our ability develop friendships (even if not lovers), our ability to love and feel the esctacy that goes with it, and our ability to enjoy true inner peace that comes with loving another. I can embrace those with whom I have experienced emotional pain. Most did not intentially inflict it upon me; rather, I allowed them to afflict it if for no other reason than that I loved them.
They forced me to better know myself and to stengthen my determination to abide by my values. They reinforce that my heart is a loving one and that it is alive; otherwise it could not have been broken. And it proves that my heart can heal.
I say, "love often, frequently and honestly, with passion, with laughter, openly, and learn from those loves that left us." For if we do not keep an open mind AND an open heart, there is no chance of that future love that may be "just around the corner". | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 6:24:48 AM | Each person is really only capable of getting the amount/degree/type of love they are willing to accept.
Walls look like they are designed to protect us from hurt... but what they equally do is block us from love. In many ways, one cannot fully experience love unless one is also willing to be vulnerable to hurt. I believe we put up walls because we are afraid... and our fear runs our life. A friend of mine suggests the other reason for walls is resignation... that one is resigned to life not working out. I can see that distinction, but still believe it is fear based.
I do not believe it is possible for another person to dismantle our walls... they must be removed by the one who built them. Dropping walls is really more about trusting yourself than it is about trusting the other. You trust that whatever comes down the pipe that you will be able to rise to meet the challenge and you will be ok.
Most hurt does not kill us... it feels horrible, it feels like we are dying... but it does not actually kill us. To me, the advantage of living life without the need to protect myself from someone I am loving is that it is only then that I can fully and freely experience the tremendous joys of love.
Seems to me we spend so much time worrying about possible endings that we do not invest enough of ourselves in possible beginnings. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 7:10:53 AM | I have also felt the same as you. My first wife died at a early age of cancer. My second wife, cheated on me twice, lied to me , and stole from me; glad I got a divorce. On POF I met a woman, who was separated. Yes I was fallling in love again, then she decided she wanted to go back to her husband. The reason; "I was to good for her", what a crock of chit.
Wow, talk about putting up a "Wall" I certainlly did. But after readling all the responses from the woman, in the forum. I feel putting up a wall, is wrong, and I am hurting no one but myself, and depriving myself, of the chance to fall in love again, as well as meet some good friends. I am not saying; "I will not be cautious, I definitely will be cautious, and I do not think I will ever date a separated woman again.
I want to thank all the ladies, in POF, for thier splendid advice, in helping me come out of my shell, as well as helping me to cautiously, and slowly break down my wall. THANK YOU. JJ(Jerry) | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 7:14:49 AM | LostMtn,
I empathize with you. The only way you can correct it is to take a step back and look at your approach. Are YOU taking the right steps? Are you going into situations with your wall up, chasing them away? or rushing blindly into situation with your walls down, allowing you to get hurt again?
I suggest you proceed cautiously. Move slowly. Have your head talk to your heart. Make sure they are in synch. Determine what YOU really want out of life.
Your profile says you are a coach. Coaches create game plans. Create a game plan for your personal life. Take a direction. Make a plan. Game plans also have to be flexible. As a coach, I am sure you have changed the plan part way through the game if what you are doing is not working!
And quit blaming the women! When you lose a game, do you blame the other team?
I wish you the best of luck! | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 8:01:10 AM | Having built many a fine wall in my time I've finally realized that I'm not alone in this habit. Yet, I'm now struggling to find ways out from behind it, as I realize that beginning any new relationship requires that I NOT put those negative expectations on the next man that I consider. Ever watchful, I won't be blind........ and the option to hide away again is always there
Nymie~
Master Wall Creationist
est. 1984
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 8:11:20 AM | | Every one has their defense mechnisms, but when it comes to effecting your life and you start pointing fingers about the other gender to figure out why we tick because its seems to not be working out for you is when you should considering professional counseling right now to help gauge your own issues and demons. The issues may have come about a very long time ago. But this is something about yourself that needs to be addressed from within, rather than to figure out the best way to maneuver with how a woman ticks. Even if you said and did the right things, your problems will still remain in your head so why not fix you so you can be happy with yourself before you decide to mingle "you" with others. I find this self-defeating behavior. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 9:50:14 AM | | this conjures up reasons why girls ask why guys are affraid of commitment.i have never seen one thread,were a guy asks girls why they are affraid of commitment,but several vise a versa.notice the guys on here defending there walls dont talk about getting hurt.they talk about getting screwed.very interesting thread. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 10:34:34 AM | | A name of a book : " Chicken soup for the soul--additional 100 stories". One story is just about sistuation. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 10:38:58 AM | | F√ck them. I have that wall too. And it took a while to let that wall down. So take your time dude. I am finally in a relationship, and still that wall only comes down one brick at the time. The funny thing is that when she rushes sometime bricks come up instead of coming down. Another thing you may also be doing, and I did it as well, it's sabotage your own relationships. Done it. Guilty of that. So just keep going, there will be a woman out there that will understand and be able to breach the wall. So in the mean time realize that is a good defense mechanism. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 11:13:56 AM | Whew...sure are alot of jaded people out there. This is just one of oodles of threads where people showcase it with flashing neon lights. I have been hurt, who hasn't?
I may be more cautious, but I refuse to let past pain force me to view all men with extreme suspicion and let my heart wither. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 11:22:09 AM | I think everyone who has been in a relationship and got hurt, has some wall built up. Otherwise, we would all be vulnerable fools.
So with that, I have my wall. But I also know inside I can give and receive love. The right person will break it down, but it will be a slow process. If they are the right person, they won't try to rush you and will be patient. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 11:36:26 AM | | Here's my 2 cents. Step out!! Take a chance!!! Life's far too short to never trust again, and to keep those walls up. Not everyone's the same, and it's simply unfair to judge everyone by a few. Good luck! :D | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 11:53:04 AM | I have a lot of friends who are in you same boat you are in (The Wall problem) but I also find that they are all people who go way overboard way too soon in every relationship they get into! I think you have to be responsible for your own emotions in any relationship! These people always seem to become insanely dependant emotion wise, on the G/F or B/f (which incidently makes you even more disinteresting to that person) I guess what I'm saying here is look at each relationship for what it really is, not what you want it to be! ...you can always tell when the other person is not as interested in you, as you are in them! You may not want to see it! ...but it's there!
so next time around take it slow, keep your eyes open, and you will not need your wall.
Stormpainter | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 11:59:34 AM | | The problem with the wall is that potential partners can sense the wall, thus they do not act like themselves and wont stick around. I have learned to say fuk it. if someone is a player, oh well i had great sex(hopefully) while we were together. It is too much work to try to figure people out and weed out the players...I dont have enough time for that and for fun...So yep wall is kind of still up or I wouldnt have that attitude, but with a ladder to climb over it now | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:37:19 PM |
As you can see by the responses you are getting, putting up a wall to avoid being hurt is a choice that every one of us is free to make... But you need to remember that the wall also prevents you from being able to accept the love of a good woman. Good women do not deserve to be treated with mistrust and suspicion just because it may be comfortable for you to stick ALL women in a category to avoid being hurt.
That is so true. Trying to love someone with a wall around their heart is so hard. Any love you give just bounces off; the person with the wall hesitates to touch or give any indication that they even care. "Good women" looking for a real realtionship don't put up with that forever. Sooner or later they leave to find someone who can love them and appreciate their love. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:06:54 PM | once the wall is up it is staying up...that is my thought. but only for those who helped me to build that wall. i want to love and trust all men but there are a few who helped me to build this monument around my heart and there is no way of bringing it down. i was told by a man that around the holidays i get very cold...seemingly so...i must admit the holidays bring back many painful memories and if i could forget them...i would. i was in a relationship that hurt both emotionally and physically not to mention financially, and spiritually. and when a man did try to come in he had a wall up himself he did nothing for me but add more bricks to the wall already built. be strong. stand your ground. when the time is right...that wall will come tumbling down. but only at your own pace and at your own timing...only if you want it to.  | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:19:42 PM | It's interesting that some believe that putting up this guard is a choice. I have observed individuals who intentionally construct the wall. I have observed individuals who have subconsciously constructed the wall. These two are fairly easy to assist in dealing with their issues. It is the third group that is the most difficult. This group does not intentionally construct the wall and are not subconsciously constructing a wall. They seem to have no control--even when they want to fall-in-love or be able to go to a much deeper level of intimacy. These folks are not a year or two out of their marriages or relationships, some are 8, 10, 12, and 16 years. They cannot seem to let go and while they know they are still deeply in-love with their ex and there is no hope of ever being together, they continue to cling to that depth of love that began that relationship.
I find these folks to be my greatest challenge. Are those who've had this experience and over come this issue? If so, I'd love to hear/read your methods to pass on to my clients who struggle with this issue.
Best.
ACP | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:26:16 PM | | i have lost out on love a few times because of my mental armor. plus,im a fairly unemotional person to begin with.my problem is not the love i lost,but to gain the trust necessary to fall in love again.i have a hard time beleiving in the sincerity of men and sometimes i wonder if ill ever be able to open up again.... | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:37:34 PM | | I believe when you meet someone new you start with a clean slate. But that doesn't mean you put your heart on the silver platter called Trust. They are strangers and will be for some time. So, let them earn your trust by what they do. Don't be so quick to hand your heart over to someone that seems good. The deeper and longer you totally trust another .....the deeper and longer it takes to heal. I would not label it a wall but wisdom. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:47:40 PM | Well, if I was dating a man who wouldn't let me in because he had Judged me to be the sort who was going to screw him over - it wouldn't take me 2 weeks to walk! That is the kind of Baggage I won't put up with.
I am not the person who caused the pain, why should I be the person punished for it? Every woman didn't hurt you, but if you continue to treat every woman who would give you a chance as if it is her fault that you are broken, then you will continue to feel hurt.
If you aren't over a past relationship, you aren't ready for a new one.
I agree with the poster who said:
4 years is waaaay too long to still not be over a divorce.
I'm sure your ex has moved on w/ her life.
At this point,counseling is in order.
BEFORE you try to date again.
Or else you're wasting your time..and somebody else's.
I can only speak for myself of course, not a chance I'd try to speak for all women, we're just like men that way - All different.. I think you do yourself and your potential (new) love a disservice by not seeking a little counselling. It really isn't fair to expect someone to tear down your walls. We are each Only responsible for our own shiote ..
Hope the new year holds happier times for you!!
A.S.is
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:57:40 PM | It is difficult not to build walls around your heart when you have been burned. IMO, it is a form of self-preservation.
When you meet someone you think you want to have a loving, trusting relationship, you can work on taking the wall down stone by stone. Every woman you meet from this point forward is going to have to prove to you that she can be trusted with your heart and emotions. It sucks but it is a fact of life. If she thinks you are worth the effort, she will understand and help you take down that wall.
Two weeks isn't very long to be letting down the wall. Perhaps you need to be sure the woman is willing to put in the effort before you "fall". | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 6:27:36 PM | Like that lady said who posted the lyrics to the song "The Dance" (her name is escaping me at the moment), those lyrics do sum it up well. I doubt I can materially add anything to it except to note that your inclination to retreat behind a wall to avoid being hurt is a natural defensive reaction after having your heart torn out and stomped flat. It is natural to withdraw completely or want to (I would be lying if I did not admit to this happening in my life at times) but do not allow yourself to get comfortable there.
There is no reward without risk and part of the risk of being warmed by "dancing in the fire" as my late father (God rest his soul) is that the fire that warms you can also burn you. I do not intend to play the patronizing card but this is something you will realize more with time and the loss of people who have varying affections to you (i.e. romances, loss of parents, loss of childhood best friends, etc). The deeper the bond the deeper the hurt if the bond is broken by separation, death, or whatever but you cannot avoid pain completely and truly live.
The problem with putting a 'wall' up is that it is too easy to get comfortable there and once you do, you have put your possible development as a human being in a state of arrested development. Small withdrawals at times to recover are fine and acceptable but you have to recognize the need to once again go out there beyond where you are comfortable -even if it is slowly and brick by brick- because it is only by making ourselves vulnerable that we develop as people. This applies to everything we do -every area where we learn something new or refine a new skill or whatever: the areas of love and relationships are no different. | |
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skit.y
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Joined: 10/23/2007
Msg: 50 | |
| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 6:53:31 PM | A little bit of a wall is ok, good to be cautious, but realize that with a wall, you don't allow yourself to love and be loved. Don't feel the passion and the ecstasy. I'm sure a lot of us have had our hearts broken once or twice - me a couple of times but I never give up. With each relationship I learn more about myself and what I'm capable of giving and I welcome the experience, pleasure, and the risks each relationship brings. I go into it knowing that I can only get hurt if I allow myself to get hurt.
Good luck to you all and all the best in the new year! | |
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