| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 3/8/2008 9:16:06 AM | Sorry I didn't read all 4 pages...did get past 2 though..
Who is to say how long is to long to get over, past and work through, the pain of being crushed into the ground, scooped up into a pile and crapped on........then with a pooper scooper, snatched up and thrown into a 100 ft ravine.
And constantly re-visiting the ravine to pile more crap on.
He brought a shovel with him ever time, to scrape off the old crap, so he could add new and different crap everyday.
And when I thought I'd reached the bottom, I'd fall 50 more feet down.
The foundation of my wall was built from recycled bricks.
Bricks he'd thrown and hit me with on 16 Nov. 2003.
Yes, counseling and some of the local churches that have an after divorce care meetings help with sorting out feelings, understanding, and it helps to that you're not alone.
I was over 16,000 miles away from home when the first bricks were thrown.
When I fell, critically injured by all the blows, the betrayal and hurt so bad I did not wish to exist.
And no I was even thinking about doing myself in.
Just hoped someone would be so kind to finish the job.
It was like turning off all the lights at the ball park when you hear the loud, click, click, click as one at a time the lights go off.............that was me shutting down.
I'd invest my all, passing by opportunities for myself, (I know it was a big mistake on my part), for "the greater good" (all about him and his career) of our family.
It did not come after a investing month of dating but after 24 years of love and devotion.
I was blessed with great communication and people skills.
With a southern accent and many southern "saying"........common sense, quick wit and the gift of schmoozing.
And many one liners........
He was quiet and had no idea how to honestly deal with regular people.
He could only use his military First Sgt. (a wanna be), and had no people skills for a civilian career.... he relied on me.
Everyday from that 2003 brick throwing, it was difficult to even breathe much less eat.
So I didn't. When I returned home, after a month, I'd lost 40 pounds.
I was glad because I wished to slowly disappear.
I got a lawyer and he immediately picked up the phone and called a counselor.
That saved me from the then non-me.
Risky behavior.......my choice was to see how fast my SUV and my pick-up would go.
Drive to the curviest, mountain road and foot in the engine, metal down.
How fast I could take a raised railroad track.........65 and all four wheels off the ground. The first wheels to touch the pavement were the front ones....
I did not set out to choose to shut down and not participate in life.
I had too at that point.
My turning point was when I got up one morning, the pain was so intense and I was so tired of struggling to see any distant light or just to feel a different pain.
I'd not looked at myself in the mirror for a very long time.
That morning, I did.
I was shocked that I didn't even recognise me.
Not one hint of bubbly self or the flickering of mischief. all the sparkle was gone. Not an ounce of gusto.
I could hardly stand up.....not eating and at that point, almost 60 pounds lighter.
Without thinking, I immediately reached for my tiny little gold, eyebrow ring, ripped it out and threw it down the drain..........
holy crap did I ever feel a different pain.
Second thought was what an idiot thing to do.
It was worth it because that's when I discovered I was punishing myself for things he did. A little of me and a lot of him........lol
I say a little my fault because I offered to give my all to work things out.....
he had nothing to say except no, he'd decided and no.
Per my counselor:
it's OK to build a wall because the one who looks past that fact and has the patience and understanding to work through those bricks, will be the type of person you'll want in your life.
You need that time to discover and work on you.
Do not let anyone force you to burst out.
All in good time and it's never a waste of time to recover from injuries of the heart.
I wouldn't step out in front of a speeding train, so why would I jump into a relationship immediately and dance a jig, after having slow danced for 24 years?
That for me is like trying to cover a gaping, blood spurting, wound with a dang pinkie, band aid.
Or a baby wanting another pacifier......old one in the garbage, new one out of the carton.
I had to have time to find me, get to know me and live with me.
I now love me.
To make a short story long........
There is no time limit.
Always be good to yourself.
ceeceekitty | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 3/8/2008 9:28:19 AM | Sorry to hear you been divorced three times - STOP SAYING YES, when asked by the registrar, say I will think about it and get back to you.
Sounds like you are not ready to date yet - think about spending some time on you, finding out why you married these women, what made you jump back in twice after the first failure.
Take yourself on a 'find out all about me' trip. Could be you have relationship issues you have not seen yet.
Oh yes and why the current women are kicking you to the curb, think that might be that you are holding on to the last woman too hard, they may feel they have to fight to get you to notice them and let go of history. Just an idea, dont know nothing here really. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 3/16/2008 1:34:25 PM | Ok...back up with the generalizations first of all.
Next, remember that the only reason you got your heart broken three times is because you opened yourself up to be able to love and receive love. THAT IS A GOOD THING. If you want to experience it again, you must follow the same practice.
Just because the previous ones didn't work out, doesn't mean the next one won't.
Get back on that horse cowboy! | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 3/20/2008 5:57:07 PM | | How can u heal your heart when its been hurt too many times. I sometimes like to hide behind my wall especially if i think some-one is getting too close to it | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 3/20/2008 6:42:46 PM | Remember the joy love brought and be willing to accept it from someone again.
^^^^^^^^^^^^Note to self^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/26/2008 1:09:09 PM | There are many reasons why we build a wall around our heart.In my case it's been a form of protection and survival.Most people think you build a wall to keep others out ,when all along they're just waiting to see who cares enough to tear it down.
Although many people wouldn't stick around to take the time to tear it down,there just might be that one special person who does.Then you know you've found someone very patient, kind, and special. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/26/2008 2:40:18 PM | | I have a wall around my heart also.But the other person didn't build it I did.Only a woman who actually cares for me who is real,romantic,and honest ,The word Love comes to mind can help me remove it.Why is it everyone blames the opposite person.Take responsibility for your actions,get help,counseling and move on.It takes time to heal!I'm still hopeful.At least I have my health!lol | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/27/2008 1:35:52 PM | | hearts get broken it happens,it's unfortnate,it's more of a crime to deny yourself of love,time goes on people too,some one new comes knocking and your afraid to open and let somein it's sad on so many levels what are the possiblity's one misses when that one stops knocking you may ask yourself what have i done,someone told me noregets well there are when you don't put yourself out there to be loved,this inter action of love that each and every is the most excellent feeling that so much can be shared,theirs a song by styx that talks about when poeple lock themself up inside that it is the end of paridise,i know this to be true,because recently was knoking on a door,that i so much wanted to open and it did'nt open,so to all reading this reclaim your love life turn your light house on,let shine | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/27/2008 2:34:18 PM | I should have a wall that reaches to the sky, but I don't. I often wish I did. It would save me a lotta hurt. I think I need people more than I don't.
I envy you people with a wall!!! Because it seems to attract a lot of people who are challenged by it, and yet you guys don't get hurt. I think you have the ideal situation. Not kidding. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/27/2008 3:02:05 PM | How do we "tick"? Hmmm, I think that's the $64,ooo question, because we wonder how you "tick" also.
I don't think the Almighty ever meant for men and women to REALLY understand each other. .....completely. ~smiles~ I know that's not a very good answer to your question, but it _is_ an age old question that's been asked since the beginning of time. When Eve lured Adam into eating the apple and Adam said, "WTH, did you do THAT for?"
In any event, I think the "wall" is a defense mechanism. To me it is. And I wish, sometimes, I could speed up the "construction" when I needed it. But, sometimes there are "construction" delays on my "project" and I get "caught" unaware. ~shrugs~ That's life.............(sigh) Life is a risk. If you don't take risks, you do not progress, there are no guarantees in this thing that's called "life". | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/27/2008 3:15:38 PM | The only reason we put walls around our hearts is because we didn't have proper boundaries in the first place.
Too many of us believe this fairy tale romantic fantasy that the person we are going to get involved with will not have interests of their own that may from time to time conflict with our interests. The way to break down the wall and be able to love and feel love is to stop being so damn naive. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/27/2008 3:17:19 PM | You have to wait for the one that takes the wall down, brick by brick.
In my life I have personally bombed a wall down and we survived,but it was a big risk, from a female perspective...I wouldn't do it again. The wall might come down on its own, with that right person, at the right moment: timing is everything.
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/27/2008 6:23:33 PM | I have a wall around my heart. I feel safe behind that wall. If the right woman comes along, it will fall down. If you ever been hurt, you think that you must have the mistrust and suspicion to be at ease. This is a guide for me, to keep me from getting hurt again . Till Im 100% sure about the woman Im picking. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/27/2008 6:41:36 PM | | Ahh..that good old wall...I wish I could answer that for you but unfortunately- I have this huge wall all the way around my heart, and it's way up there. One man was able to take the bricks down one by one, but..when he died, and everything that has gone on afterwards..that wall got built right back up. Can't stand men who are players, liars, users, and well..I'm sure you get the idea...but, I definately have a wall up. Good luck to you...... | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/27/2008 6:45:06 PM | Obviously built of the evil and corroding word " Fear" which usually touches every aspect of our lives, however when it come to our most precious breakable hearts, it may then become a unconscious Fear of commitment, a commitment phobic in other words.
...."He's Scared, She's Scared" is a great read. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/27/2008 7:24:21 PM | [quoteI'm a good guy and try to treat a woman with respect . the last one a dated i let it down two weeks later bang!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Oh i need some time." THAT BULL CRAP! So how do you all tick?
Lostmtn
Sounds like you need to take stock in yourself my friend.
Bitterness is the opposite of being alive. Choose to be that 'good guy' you know
is in your heart.
We all suffer rejection at times, don't allow it to define you.
Trust me on this one, okay? | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/27/2008 8:02:25 PM | It's understandable and normal to be cautious about trusting a new person. No body likes/wants to get hurt. Sometimes have to take a risk and see what happens. Can't punish the person for what happened to you in the past.
I been hurt by more guys then i like but i don't punish a new guy i meet for what the past guys have done to me. It's not fair to them.
Just take all the time you need to get to know her as friends before possiblely get romantically involved.
Rush into a relationship and you risk getting hurt. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/27/2008 8:41:54 PM | | I learned very very recently I will never let my wall down again..men --deliberately or not--can hurt us just as bad. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/27/2008 10:15:27 PM | i'll just give you my immediate instinctual response. you say in your profile you don't need to "control". here you use the word wall and seem to feel victimized, which in turn makes you angry. these are words that i often hear when i go to an al anon meeting for family members of those who were raised in drinking environments as children. many have stopped drinking themselves and then there are the ones who were just addicted to the ones who drank. not much difference underneath it all, when interacting within this paradigm. working with kids and animals of course, you are in control. with adults, many more skills and ways to interpet "others" (whose intent, experiences, motives may be different than yours) need to be learned.
to use your visualization, distinguish between walls and fortresses, learn how to bridge from yourself to another. don't let your chemical attraction confuse you about a person. meet midway, perhaps on the bridge and get to know that person for a much longer time. each one needs to talk about what their "territory" is all about.
you seem to have the skills for disicipline in your work and how you lead your life. to that, must be added and therefore learned, the art of flexibity where you can bounce back to where you are, but lean a bit to understand that not everyone is in the same position. just like different people play different roles in sports, the same is true of life. each person has in important place on the team.
you will find that just as you are immediately attracted to someone and then revulsed a bit later when they treat you badly, that if you get to know someone you may not be attracted to so readily, that over time when you begin to have mutual trust, this new kind of attraction will be more like a hearth fire, than a firework display and a lot more safer for you to experience. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/28/2008 7:46:53 AM | I know I'll get rapped in the mouth for this, but in this "throw away in favor of what you might THINK is better" society, possessing a heart of stone (and a cynical mind)...won't exactly put you in a negative position when it comes to dating nowadays...
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 5/7/2008 2:27:43 PM | | You mean all of us? Wow. If I knew the answer to that you guys could make me soooooo rich!!!! Darlin' perhaps the wall is there for good reason.....leave it up until the right lady comes along and dismantles it, one brick at a time. Good luck :) | |
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