| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 1:51:20 PM |
Fruitcake isn't wonderful with anything.
Yeah, but it's tolerable if you soak it with rum...
On topic...I agree there is a varmint in the woodpile with the OP's situation. And it was my understanding that it was the MAN who had all the supposed business and family issues necessitating postpnement.cancellation of dates?
Nope, this may be a wonderful man in many respects.I bet his wife would say so too.
Cindy O | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 1:56:41 PM | While I like initially communicating via IM first, just to see if you can keep a conversation, it is terrible for much more than that. It is so easy to misinterpret or have yourself misread on there. I am a bit of a smarty pants, with a tendency towards playful sarcasm, and it's just not easy to get tone across. Example, I have become really good friends with a guy that I met online, we have never spoken on the phone or in person, turns out he's a good friend of my ex (that's another very weird, long story). We have "talked" online months, know each other pretty well and still have frequent misunderstandings because we both like to joke and it's just not the same when you can't hear someone's voice or see the expression on their face.
Sounds to me like this guy has some serious issues. He may be a great guy, but if you have this much trouble, this early on, being able to be honest without him thinking you're "getting weird," that just doesn't bode well for the future. Perhaps I am just a bit too jaded, but as I told a friend recently, I have spent the better part of the last ten years trying to prove myself and wait for my ex to break down his walls. Now, I feel like I deserve the opportunity to find someone that sees right away how great I am, not having to spend time convincing them of it! I try to think of things this way...new person, new opportunity...we all have issues and junk in our past that makes it hard to open up, but what good does it do to let it get in the way of new chances? I say, give people the chance to wow and amaze you, don't wait for them to disappoint. I have my own brick wall, but I also know that there are plenty of other great girls out here in this pond, so I'd rather let a guy get to know me than make him work to undo what others before him have done! | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 2:08:40 PM |
He thought I was giving him some sort of an ultimatum.............which was not my intention at all! He perceived it wrong. I have tried talking to him as two rationale /stable/ intelligent people by leaving a friendly VM asking him to just talk in person to clear things up. He told me in an IM to "STOP this is getting too weird" I am totally dumbfounded. I was just trying to communicate in an effective way and clear the air. How can I tell this wonderful man that I just wanted to openly and honestly communicate face to face? I hate to give up on a potentially great relationship because of a misunderstanding and a total breakdown in the lines of communication. We only went on 2 dates;
Sounds like your way of communicating isn't his way and you trying to force things sent him packing. Sometimes we have to look at our own role in what's going on. You didn't or couldn't accept things on his terms, and he balked when you tried it your way.
Not saying anyone is wrong here, but it's quite obvious you two don't have the same way of communicating. You want face to face and to "force" your honesty upon him. He wants things as he has them with his employees and work contacts. That's how he rolls.
If you don't find a middle ground or accept his terms you'll keep knocking your head into a wall and it'll come across as "too weird"!
After two dates you think you already have this guy pegged... and that alone is scary. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 2:25:52 PM | Sorry but after only 2 dates (which probably amount to about 8 hours in total spent in person) and some IM chats, why would you consider him to be a "very honorable, sweet , kind man"? He rarely spoke to you on the phone, he dumped on you about his own dumb choices in women, he had no real interest in making time for you, evidenced by the fact that he chose not to see you for almost a month (3-1/2 weeks), and basically told you to f-off via IM.
So what about this says "very honorable, sweet , kind man"??
What about his behavior says "this wonderful man"??
What about 2 dates and some IM chat says "potentially great relationship"??
How could you so quickly decide that there was "nothing phony about this man"??
Whoa! | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 2:48:42 PM | OP: he insisted on talking only on Yahoo Instant messanging
franklyspeaking: Sounds to me like he's married.
Omg! Thats exactly what I was going to say!! A married man can pretty much act like hes single when hes online and when he forces all communication to be through IMs on a messenger service. Its completely irrational and assinine to expect someone to hop online and pull up yahoo messenger whenever you want to talk to him...I mean, come ON...does he want a relationship or not? I agree with franklyspeaking. Married. Move on hon, hes not worth banging your head against a brick wall. 
I do have a question though: I read through all the posts...why havent you addressed the very real possibility that this man is marred? | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 2:59:40 PM | Hi MRL:
You wrote:
What if things were reversed and he mentioned that he's putting women on hold, how would you feel?
Is the other men on hold worth looking into or is this man worth holding on to? It's your decision. If you respect this man and both can relate on being busy or knowing how it feels to get burned, why don't you show a little patience?
I would be flattered if a man told me he put other women on hold to get to know me. It would make me feel special;but, I can see your point. This man is worth the patience. Patience is a virtue I so need to work on.
thanks | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:09:42 PM | Bullie,
You wrote:
After two dates you think you already have this guy pegged... and that alone is scary.
Well, I don't know anything about him.........that's the point. I don't want to jump to conclusions. I want to keep an open mind. That's not already having him pegged. I am so floored how some people read so much stuff into simple statements and questions in these forum posts. It's like some people, after reading a paragraph, think they are amateur psychologists, or choose to attack the person making a statement. If we all had this dating thing perfect, we would choose right the first time and there would be no divorces, and we would not be on sites like this.........right?
If it works out that's great, if not, then we are not meant to have a relationship. That's why they call it "dating" ...........it's getting to know someone to see if they are a good fit or match. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:11:29 PM | This guy doesn't hear you. Repeating your self and saying it louder won't help. He isn't listening.
Where are those guys you have on hold?
It seems like you have time to at least meet them.
Give him his space and go enjoy yours. If he is still interested he can let you know. Of course it might be too late because one of those guys on hold may be ready to give you what you seek; or maybe not.
If you are not ready to meet any one else, then fine, put your dating self up on a shelf.
Get busy with that busy life you have. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:14:37 PM | Misplaced:
As far as suspecting he was married, I haven't said anything about it; because, I didn't want to accuse him of something that might not be true. Besides, he did go out on dates in public with me, and I spoke to his daughter once, so yes............. it could be possible;but, I would rather intitially give the person the benefit of the doubt. I had thought that this might be the case. Some people are such great actors............they fool everyone for a short while. My intuition tells me this is not the case. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:20:03 PM | Perfect life, sometimes people can and will say they have had the greatest date with you, can't believe how lucky they are to have met you, and disappear.
Or in your case act like nut cases...
If you want to persue someone that apparently isn't into you, that is your choice, but the smell of BS is getting pretty deep.
You stated some people are great actors, uh hu... Long enough for two dates... | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:24:15 PM |
There was nothing phony about this man.
I haven't read anything so far to show that this guy isn't a phony!
What I have read is that you are actually buying his excuses..
You are being played like a fine violin. I am sorry. I truly am.
But, to get to the skinny of your issue. Time is yours to waste! It seems as though you have just wasted enough! It is obvious that this is not a match!( No communication, time, or consideration!) What you do with your time now, is what really matters.
1. you can sit around and rethink everything that was said and done. (kicking a dead horse)
2. You can blow this off, bait your hook and get back to the pond!(moving on)
~Belly~ | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:35:51 PM | Hmm...this type of guy sounds very familiar to me as these are the ones (online, anyway) that I end up dating and interacting with. I think SolarPanel nailed it. I don't think that his reluctance has anything to do with the way you communicate and I don't believe that he must be married or hiding something.
If you leave him be for a few weeks, I bet he will come around again. However, because he said that things were "getting too weird" for him, he is probably into a tentative, push-me/pull-me type dance because he really isn't ready. I can't fault him or a few guys I've met for this, because honestly, I've done the same thing myself.
Also, IM isn't communicating--it's video games for adults.
Fruitcake isn't wonderful with anything.
Yeah, but it's tolerable if you soak it with rum...
Hmmm...the problem with one of these guys that I dated off and on for awhile was that he WAS fermenting in liquor (vodka, actually....)...I rather have my fruitcake liquored and my date virgin... | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:50:05 PM | If he or you were burned in the past you should learn from those lessons and move on BUT you should never bring that experience forward in the form of mistrust.
In his case he needs realize that it was HE who allowed his finances to be compromised and HE who is to blame and HE who needs to accept that responsibility and HE who needs to keep better track of his credit cards etc. Those are his lessons.
You have your lessons from your Slick Wllies...
If he or anyone else is bringing that mistrust forward you need to walk away. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:01:13 PM | It sounds like both of you need to work on your communication skills. His method of communication was suspicious and impersonal and you did not communicate your needs in an effective way. Quite frankly to tell him after only two dates that you are putting other men on hold for him IS manipulative and sounds desperate. Live and learn.
Good luck with the next guy. | |
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naeco
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Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 40 | |
| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:01:58 PM | Wow, the guy doesn't like to use the phone, and suddenly there's a billion reasons why.
That's one negative about the forums that I see ALL the time right now - people (and I'm mainly talking about the replies, not necessarily the OP) take a little bit of information from one side of the story, and basically crucify the person in question.
Why doesn't he use the phone? There's just as many reasonable answers as there are one's that have him as a married, cheating boogeyman.
*Maybe he's hard of hearing and it's hard for him to understand someone talking to him on the phone.
*Maybe his throat gets dry if he talks too long.
*Maybe he gets nervous talking to someone he doesn't know very well.
*Maybe he's embarrassed by the sound of his voice.
*Maybe he gets a headache when he's on the phone.
*Maybe he was beat as a child for talking on the phone too much.
Did the OP ask him why he doesn't like to talk on the phone? | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:11:21 PM | Op, you gotta do what you feel is right.
But were I you, I'd be taking these other men OFF'hold'.
Trying to coax or push a guy who has froze up,whether temporarily or longer,will accomplish nothing,and may be directly counterproductive.
You've left him a voicemail requesting communication. Fine. For the time being get on with your life as if he's NOT gonna answer it.
Cindy O | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:31:16 PM | I'm with ladyc4 on this one, perfectlife...
This man has reasons for not wanting to talk on the phone, and my suspicion is these reasons have nothing to do with employees or exes.
He has given you a less than lukewarm response in the past, and his most recent no-reply speaks volumes about how much he values (not!) this newfound "connection" with you.
I was in IM and email contact with a POF member for several weeks last month who seemed ideal for me - the old "we have so much in common" and he said everything right.... Suddenly he stopped all contact and deleted all my messages. His actions scream very loudly that he is either married or has found another victim of his wiley ways. That is what I think has occurred in your case too.
Don't contact him anymore. These guys get off on the search and destroy, and don't care about the feelings of the heartbroken women left in the wake of their deception. Before the men jump all over the above comment, let me say that I am aware there are female players out there too. I've actually met one at a coffee night. She is quite proud of the fact that she is good at "the chase." | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:53:50 PM | Bullie,
You wrote:
After two dates you think you already have this guy pegged... and that alone is scary.
Well, I don't know anything about him.........that's the point. I don't want to jump to conclusions. I want to keep an open mind. That's not already having him pegged.
OP, when you come on here, posting about your feelings and your viewpoint and give us information to go on, we're gonna give you our opinion. That's how this works. If you're looking for a clinical diagnosis into the mind of your "very honorable, sweet, kind man" then hold on a sec while I plop my degree down in front of you.
What, you can't see it? Well, it's THERE!.....
Point is, this is the internet. He could be anyone he chooses. So could any of us! This "wonderful man" refuses to give you the open communication that you desire. He's doing things on his terms and by the sound of it you creeped him out and he's done.
Now if you want to hammer your point home to him to salvage what you thought was the beginning of something good, remember, you're HAMMERING. He's OBVIOUSLY not viewing it as productive communication.
We only went on 2 dates; but, he told me the connection was very powerful. I also felt the same thing. There was nothing phony about this man.
Again, I challenge anyone here to say they know whether someone is phony or not in two dates.... especially when they won't even take your phone calls.....
That will be $250 please.  | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 5:22:15 PM |
f you read my posts, I said nothing but positive things about this guy, even defending him to comments I knew were not true.
I didn't say you didn't, I was quoting all the critical, over the top, negative replies from others that didn't zero in on the real crux of the problem. Glad you found my post helpful overall though. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 1/1/2008 6:25:55 PM |
We had 2 great dates;but, he insisted on talking only on Yahoo Instant messanging (IM), which is understandable; because, he uses it to communicate with his employees too. Without the face to face contact that shows facial expressions.......context.......& terrible misperceptions happened. He rarely ever talked to me on the phone...........basically I was forced to use this method of communication
Perhaps I'm misunderstanding and if so, I hope you'll correct me, Perfect. According to the above, you stated that telephone really wasn't an option with Mr. Wonderful. So based upon this, you will not be able to just pick up the phone and call him for a date or apologize, correct? The man has insisted on keeping communication relegated to instant messages.
In my opinion, this in and of itself is just plain weird. Why on earth is this understandable when he uses it to communicate with his employees too? You are not one of his employees and if this is how he treats his dates, like an employee, well--I'm afraid I would pass based upon that alone, or maybe I'm just a little bit too spoiled and expect more than that from someone I'm interested in continuing to date.
At any rate, I still concur that this man is married, already involved, or something else that you wouldn't be thrilled with, and if he is not, then he is simply selfish and rude. I do not believe you have made an error in your communication skills, nor do I think you have been demanding or rude. You have instead become involved with someone who has something to hide or needs a course in good manners. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 1/1/2008 6:36:18 PM | ignoble
... someone may have been given the power to place those bricks so you could have a wall to stand behind... and ... only you can break that wall down. We heal ourselves, if we choose.
aperfectlifeforme
... forget it. Move forward. Let the past be just that. If he was so wonderful and gave a darn he would be there, in person, working it out with you. More fish in the sea... get trolling. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 1/1/2008 7:08:07 PM |
He rarely ever talked to me on the phone
He did have phone conversations with her, and she left him a voicemail telling him she wanted to talk - he obviously gave her a phone number she could contact him at.
Maybe instead of jumping to conclusions about him being married, etc.... people should just realize that some people plain and simple don't like talking on the phone? | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 1/1/2008 7:21:30 PM | I've had that very same problem, my humor doesn't come across well in an IM, and always being the Jokester, it can get "ugly
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I've had the same problem, only it was an email, and I thought I was being funny, and it wasn't taken like that at all. So you never know how you are coming across to other people. There's also been other misperceptions of what I'm saying and how the other person took it and vice-versa. But there's something fishy, ( pardon the pun), about this. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 1/1/2008 7:47:48 PM |
The bottom line is I tried to let him know that I lead a very busy life and put other men "on hold" just to concentrate on getting to know him. I basically wanted to communicate in a nice way..
well..It may not be about him , it may be about you. I would feel weirded out too if a guy after 2 great dates started telling me that he has put his life on hold for me etc etc. I'd think he's too needy or has an agenda. Wow, that's too fast. Trying to communicate will clear the air but may not erase the uneasy feeling after the 'ultimatum' (real or perceived). And announcing that your dating life is on hold (with a hidden expectation that he is to do the same) can come off as an ultimatum...
Just a suggestion.. do not in the future put your dating life (and overall life too) on hold over 2 great dates. If you do not, there are few good outcomes that likely will happen:
1. you will not (consciously or subconsciously) put a pressure on a guy (this or any future one), and thus come off as too upfront or needy or demanding.. if more dates happen - great, if not, you will not feel like you wasted your time.
2. since your life is not on hold, you are open to an opportunity of meeting new people. this guy may or may not work out for unrelated reasons, but you didn't place all your eggs in one basket
3. him, not feeling that all the focus and pressure is on him, will more likely come to you because he will not feel pressured or obligated.
4. you, since your life is not on hold for anyone, will not build up frustration inside (and it inevitably shows!) if a guy that you are interested in didn't call/make plans soon enough. After all, you already had your own life and plans going on, right? Therefore, when he does call, it's a happy pressure free interaction.
Happy  | |
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