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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 12/31/2007 5:52:07 PM | | I have to agree. I was dating a person "Exclusively" online and yes, even in our 40's, we had to have that conversation. I guess you could chalk this up to a learning experience because I bet you'll say something next time. Too bad that the situation seems like he's cheating on someone with you now. 8 months is a good solid block of time to invest into a relationship that you think is going to work out. My condolences. | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 12/31/2007 6:40:13 PM | | the question is.. do we want to understand what love isnt.. most dont.. love has no direction.. need . hope, attachment.. love just is.. and if we understand that we are free to love and be.. there is no judgment in love.. no idea about what love is.. just love.. get it!......thats the problem.. we create problems and then try to solve them.. we create an image of love and fall short... . what else can you be than what you are right now.. we cant change others but we can change ourselfs and in that there is more love.. just do the right thing how hard is that.. love and be loved... peace my friends | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 12/31/2007 10:50:14 PM | "You can not start dating someone and just assume you are exclusive, which is exactly what you did. You didn't discuss it with him. You assumed you are exclusive, and obviously he doesn't see your relationship like that, and if you had talked to him about it you would have known it."
Naeco,
I would have thought that by the guy introducing the OP as his 'girlfriend' (and presuming that she was fine with this), that there would be an assumption of exclusivity!? | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 12/31/2007 11:21:49 PM | | Whether or not you had the "exclusive talk," this guy is obviously a cheater. You really shouldn't have needed the second time to figure this out. Forget about trying to blame yourself for not being clear. If he was the type that could maintain a faithful relationship with you, he could have checked with you anytime before he made the other date. | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 1/1/2008 4:58:51 PM |
Guess we didn't have that are we going steady talk like we're 15
You MUST have that "going steady talk". There is *no* assumption that an unmarried man can only see you unless you have *explicitly* agreed to that.
You "walked", in my opinion, without good reason. You never made an explicit agreement. You are holding him to unstated expectations both the first time and the second time. He wasn't cheating ... you were cheating him by holding him to a certain standard without informing him of it. You have caused drama and heartache by your failure to communicate clearly. If you expect him to be exclusive to you, get that stated clearly and make sure both understand that. If you aren't married you can date whoever, whenever, and it isn't cheating unless you have agreed otherwise. | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 1/1/2008 5:06:26 PM | | Nocal -- That's not fair. After listening to him whine about how he was cheated on and couldn't go through that again? We were together eight months. I was his "girlfriend." If I'd have done the same thing, I don't think it would have been okay with him at all. He would have done the same thing I did. Kicked me to the curb. Guess thinking there is an unspoken agreement was kind of stupid. But a lot of it came from him. | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 1/1/2008 6:06:08 PM | Nocal -- That's not fair.
What's not fair? You were dating a guy. You are not married nor are you engaged to be married. You have never made any agreement to be exclusive. You discover he is dating someone in addition to you. On what grounds do you have a right to call him a cheater? What exactly gave you the right to "claim him" as yours and only yours?
I am saying that barring engagement for marriage and any verbal communications of an expectation of exclusivity, your expectation ... both times ... is unreasonable. Had you agreed and he broken the agreement, fine, he is a cheater. But barring any agreement, there is really nothing for him to cheat on other than your unspoken understanding in your own head is there?
If you expect an unmarried man to be true to only you, you have to at least give him the courtesy of stating that fact in plain language to him and see that he understands it. Otherwise just dating someone doesn't make them "yours" even if you are having sex together. | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 1/1/2008 6:43:17 PM | | Short stuff, i'm with you.I wouldn't have thought that two grown adults would have to have that talk. Especially after 8 months of being together every weekend etc. There would be a definite presumption of exclusivity in my mind too. I wonder if he would have been so gracious if you started dating another man during that time? Seems to me that it's just an excuse to cheat on you without being called a cheater. The "Talk" doesn't mean he'd be faithful to you anyway, and in this case i'm pretty sure it wouldn't have made any difference. Don't go near him again. He's an ass.. | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 1/1/2008 6:56:03 PM | | I think it is extremely rude for him to take a call from another lady while you two are on a date or just together period whether its your first date or your 1oth(but by the 10th date I think would be plenty pissed). I just think it shows a real lack of respect he has for his date(s). | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 1/1/2008 7:09:49 PM |
Dare to wrote: Short stuff, i'm with you.
I wouldn't have thought that two grown adults would
have to have that talk. Especially after 8 months of being
together every weekend etc. There would be a definite
presumption of exclusivity in my mind too.
What's the downside to having the exclusivity talk
prior to getting physical? | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 1/1/2008 7:58:27 PM | I would have grabbed the phone from him and said:
"We just had GREAT sex and he even said I was better than you!!!"
Then handed the phone back to him and clocked him before walking out.
P.S.: You should have taken his clothes and car keys with you.    | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 1/1/2008 8:07:46 PM | | First of all your profile says separated, not divorced and you been seeing someone for eight months? this could be where you went wrong to start with ? People are only going to do to you what you allow them to do. Get a divorce then give yourself time to heal from the divorce. Then hopefull you will be strong enought to not pick that type of person. Ever heard the hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me?Good luck to you there are a lot more fish out there | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 1/1/2008 8:26:51 PM | I overheard and I walked out the back door without him knowing I even left. Now he's trying to cheat with me on somebody else. What gives? No commitment, no feelings, no guilt? Why did he try to come back and not just leave me alone and let things be?
Hmmmm... let me think....
My best answer is this....
All right!
Stop whatcha doin'
'cause I'm about to ruin
the image and the style that ya used to.
I look funny
but yo I'm makin' money see
so yo world I hope you're ready for me.
Now gather round
I'm the new fool in town
and my sound's laid down by the Underground.
I drink up all the Hennessey ya got on ya shelf
so just let me introduce myself
My name is Humpty, pronounced with a Umpty.
Yo ladies, oh how I like to hump thee.
And all the rappers in the top ten--please allow me to bump thee.
I'm steppin' tall, y'all,
and just like Humpty Dumpty
you're gonna fall when the stereos pump me.
I like to rhyme,
I like my beats funky,
I'm spunky. I like my oatmeal lumpy.
I'm sick wit dis, straight gangsta mack
but sometimes I get ridiculous
I'll eat up all your crackers and your licorice
hey yo fat girl, c'mere--are ya ticklish?
Yeah, I called ya fat.
Look at me, I'm skinny
It never stopped me from gettin' busy
I'm a freak
I like the girls with the boom
I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom
I'm crazy.
Allow me to amaze thee.
They say I'm ugly but it just don't faze me.
I'm still gettin' in the girls' pants
and I even got my own dance
The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump
Do the Humpty Hump, come on and do the Humpty Hump
Do the Humpty Hump, just watch me do the Humpty Hump
Do ya know what I'm doin', doin' the Humpty Hump
Do the Humpty Hump, do the Humpty Hump
People say "Yo, Humpty, you're really funny lookin'"
that's all right 'cause I get things cookin'
Ya stare, ya glare, ya constantly try to compare me
but ya can't get near me
I give 'em more, see, and on the floor, B,
all the girls they adore me
Oh yes, ladies, I'm really bein' sincere
'cause in a 69 my humpty nose will tickle ya rear.
My nose is big, uh-uh I'm not ashamed
Big like a pickle, I'm still gettin' paid
I get laid by the ladies, ya know I'm in charge,
both how I'm livin' and my nose is large
I get stoopid, I shoot an arrow like Cupid,
I use a word that don't mean nothin', like looptid
I sang on Doowhutchalike, and if ya missed it,
I'm the one who said just grab 'em in the biscuits
Also told ya that I like to bite
Well, yeah, I guess it's obvious, I also like to write.
All ya had to do was give Humpty a chance
and now I'm gonna do my dance.
Oh, yeah, that's the break, y'all
Let me hear a little bit of that bass groove right here
Oh, yeah!
Now that I told ya a little bit about myself
let me tell ya a little bit about this dance
It's real easy to do--check it out
First I limp to the side like my leg was broken
Shakin' and twitchin' kinda like I was smokin'
Crazy wack funky
People say ya look like M.C. Hammer on crack, Humpty
That's all right 'cause my body's in motion
It's supposed to look like a fit or a convulsion
Anyone can play this game
This is my dance, y'all, Humpty Hump's my name
No two people will do it the same
Ya got it down when ya appear to be in pain
Humpin', funkin', jumpin',
jig around, shakin' ya rump,
and when the dude a chump pump points a finger like a stump
tell him step off, I'm doin' the Hump.
Black people, do the Humpty Hump, do the Humpty Hump
White people, do the Humpty Hump, do the Humpty Hump
Puerto Ricans, do the Humpty Hump, just keep on doin' the hump
Samoans, do the Humpty Hump, do the Humpty Hump
Let's get stoopid!
Oh, yeah, come on and break it down
Once again, the Underground is in the house
I'd like to send a shout out to the whole world,
keep on doin' the Humpty Dance,
and to the ladies,
peace and humptiness forever.......
Why did I answer you with a rap song from the 80's?
The answer is you don't really know.
Why did this man cheat on you? Why did he come back? Why did he choose another woman over you? Why did he hurt you?
The answer is the same, you don't really know.
I'm sorry you were hurt, it's not easy for anyone, and I wish there was a different outcome for you. But no matter what, you will never know the truth. All you can do is move on.
Why people break up and hurt each other and make each other suffer makes about as much sense as me doing the Humpty Dance in my office right now. ( I just did actually...) There isn't an explanation most of the time. Sometimes we don't find the answers we are looking for out there, we just have to learn to accept it.
Take solace in this.
The next time you see a guy you like.
Just grab him in the biscuits.....
The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump
Do the Humpty Hump, come on and do the Humpty Hump
Do the Humpty Hump, just watch me do the Humpty Hump
Do ya know what I'm doin', doin' the Humpty Hump
Do the Humpty Hump, do the Humpty Hump
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-jVU5Lqxx0 | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 1/1/2008 8:32:14 PM |
What's the downside to having the exclusivity talk
prior to getting physical? There is no downside.. But just because you don't have 'the talk' doesn't mean (to me) that it's a free for all to go out and sleep with others when you are in a "seemingly" exclusive relationship. After 8 months of dating, amd being together every weekend, would you still not presume to be exclusive simply because it was not sat down and discussed? After dating a woman for 8 months without the talk and she started dating someone else would you not be a little peeved and hurt? Especially when her reasoning was that you didn't discuss it. I know i would!! In fact i would be devastated. My guy and I have only been together a little longer than that and we DIDN'T have "the talk" and we moved in together a few weeks ago. Am i to think that because we didn't have the talk that he can now go out with whoever he wants with no recriminations because we didn't discuss exclusivity?? Seems to me to be a convenient exuse to be unfaithful without the nametag... | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 1/1/2008 8:37:59 PM | | communication is the biggest key to any successful relationship, you should make it a point to talk about anything and everything, you cannot blame him for dating another woman if you never told him you want to be exclusive. As well, if you think he's just a player, then find another fish............oh by the way.........I'm single and looking, and refuse to date multiple women at once, just a thought. | |
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