| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 1/1/2008 8:42:32 PM |
would you still not presume to be exclusive simply because it was not sat down and discussed?
Yes, if you have not discussed then you have no reason to presume ANYTHING.
Even in marriage, the vow is explicitly stated, not assumed. If you are going to get angry because someone broke an agreement, better to make sure there is actually an agreement there first rather than simply an assumption. Assume nothing. If you make an agreement, there can be no question later and the other can never claim ignorance. | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 1/1/2008 9:12:50 PM | i think its common sense when 2 ppl start seeing each other its supposed to b exclusive, if anything, an agreement NOT to be exclusive!
i believe communication is essential to! and what should b left clear rite on the beggining, is that this wouldnt be the kind of thing you would forgive....
everybody knows that generally on this side of the world couples are supposed to be monogamus, there just are some ppl who think they can get away with it, either cause they think their partner wont find out, or because they think their partner is so sweet he will find it in their heart to forgive....
if theres anything to understand i think that would be it....let the next one know...."cheating is hurtfull, i hate cheaters, i always have, and if i even have a nightmare of you with someonelse i will break up with you " haha he ll get the picture! | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 1/1/2008 10:13:21 PM |
i think its common sense when 2 ppl start seeing each other its supposed to b exclusive
You and a lot of others too. Don't rely on "common sense" because that really isn't. It is something you made up and expect others to abide by. It takes less than 30 seconds to ask someone to be exclusive. Just do it. What are you trying to avoid by NOT asking them? It sure looks to me like you are trying to wish they will be exclusive without you ever having to really mention it and risk rejection of the idea. Some apparently think they have the right to simply expect it. You don't if you aren't married and it hasn't been stated. Why is that so hard to understand?
If it isn't stated and you aren't married then it isn't cheating because you are not breaking any agreements. | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 1/2/2008 4:10:29 AM | In the original post, the OP specifically stated that when she met his family he did introduce her as his girlfriend. If you're not exclusive to a person you don't usually make that introduction to your family. You say this is my friend which is a good reminder of what you;re likely to be.
Now there was good reason to believe that they were exclusive, however I do get the feeling he was more interested in playing the field than being serious, and only devoted to her.
He gave her the run around, told her what she wanted to hear, and wrapped it with a big fancy bow, and she fell for it, it happens. It reminds me of the guy my ex wife ran off with actually. But, don't cheat with him. Tell him he has a woman and when he figures out what he wants you'll be long gone.  | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 3/8/2008 3:58:51 PM | | And now after all of this time and seeing each other only here and there, he wants to be excusive? But the trust just isn't there anymore. Do I buy it or no? I care about him, we have fun together and I just want to smack the snot out of him!!!!! | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 3/8/2008 4:38:44 PM | | What a creep! So he's done it twice now. He doesn't sound like he's going to change this behaviour. Some people just have no feelings, it seems, but they look normal so you can't tell they are really aliens. Sorry this has happened. I hope you won't bother with him again. You deserve much better than this cheating liar. | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 3/8/2008 4:47:42 PM | nocalsingledad, your wrote:
You "walked", in my opinion, without good reason. You never made an explicit agreement. You are holding him to unstated expectations both the first time and the second time. He wasn't cheating ... you were cheating him by holding him to a certain standard without informing him of it.
All I can say is:
Bull Sh**t!!! If he didn't know BEFORE, he must have known AFTER the FIRST time she booted his butt to the curb that she is a MONOGAMOUS kind of girl! She forgave him once, which was more often than she should have.
Say your 10 year old child wearing a blue jacket is seen by a friend stealing from a local store; You tell your child...YOU MUST NOT STEAL! The next day your child steals from the local candy store but is wearing a red jacket instead. Are you going to accept the excuse, Well, you never told me I couldn't steal wearing a red jacket! That kid KNOWS he or she did WRONG.....AND SO DID THE OPs MAN! | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 3/8/2008 6:10:14 PM | Ok, the whole "leopards don't change thier spots" thing is ridiculous. You cannot reduce someone down to a cliche and expect to be taken seriously.
If you were with someone for 8 months, you had a right to assume it was an exclusive relationship. I know you can't fill up a forum post with 8 months of conversation, but somewhere along the line I'm certain you two talked about SOMETHING involving relationships themselves. But yeah, this guy hasn't exited Kierkegaard's Narrative yet, he's going to permanently be "looking around" until he has his little epiphany, that life (and relationships) don't work like this.
If you are constantly finding yourself with a**holes, think logically about it, and understand that it's very unlikely that they're magically all drawn to YOU. Rather, somehow, you're finding yourself attracted to them, and then being surprised that nothing was different. A good way to try and fix this is to go out and date someone that you're not instantly super-attracted to. Go out and find someone who you don't really think "fits" you. The relationship still may not work, but at least there's a far smaller chance of him turning out to be an a**hole. | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 3/9/2008 12:49:19 PM | | Quad, I get what you're saying. But this isn't the kind of guy I was attracted to. I never had a guy treat me like that before. Maybe that's why I was so blindsided. I didn't even like him at first and didn't go out with him. He was persistant and I thought what the hel*. Live and learn, I guess. | |
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