| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/20/2008 8:14:22 PM | For me it means I can't have anymore myself but given the right man I would be more than happy to help raise his kids or adopt. I think kids are wonderful. I let the guys who contact me know that I cant carry a baby , if they say on their profile that they want kids. I think its only fair.
Patty | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/21/2008 7:13:07 AM | Ha ha since the majority of men in my town are supposedly single and all have children and said they did not want more children and even though I have Endometriosis I put YES to that question just to be a BIATCH................
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/21/2008 9:08:46 AM | | In my case, what Undecided means, I already have a child, and I cannot physically have any more children. However, I am open to having a relationship with someone who does have children, and I am open to having a relationship with those who don't want more natural children. There is not an option for those women over 30 who cannot bear anymore children. | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/21/2008 7:40:19 PM | | Well Im 33 and I have undecided on my profile about children. The reason is Ive chosen up till now not to have kids through choice as Ive ever found someone I truely want to raise a family with. Ive never been truely in love and commited. So if I found someone and did feel commited then I'd consider it but as I type this I dont think I shall find that so its a no for kids, if that makes sense. I'd like to think I'll have one but if I dont its not the end of my world I had my standards where men were concerned lol | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/22/2008 3:33:27 PM | | Here's the thing......I have children.....my oldest is 18 actually...my youngest is 11. Now....I'm not sure if I want more children....it's likely that I won't end up with another bambino..BUT....what if Mr. Wonderful wants one with me? What if I decide...."hey, I would LOVE to try to have a baby with Mr. Wonderful......And if it's decided that there are no more babies in the future, that would be ok too. So....hopefully that answers your question. | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/22/2008 7:15:31 PM | | Hmmm..... my serious logic tells me that she puts "undecided" on her profile so that she doesn't rule out a good catch. It has very little to do with what she really wants or will want in the future. It means to me that she wants the guy who might contact her to feel that she will do whatever he wants to get him and keep him. IMHO...it's a pointless thing and if she has an opinion on it she should put it in her description. If it's a serious point of contention then she should readily and openly discuss it when getting to know the guy she's communicating with....before they go out on the first date. | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/22/2008 8:53:25 PM | | I have 5 children...I love kids, but I'm not so sure at my age I want to have anymore. I have this strong belief that I do not want to be an "old" parent. I want to be able to enjoy my children, teach them right from wrong, and see them graduate, become parents etc etc. On the flip side, I have nothing against a man who has children and I would support that with open arms - just dont want anymore of my own! | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/23/2008 9:11:50 AM | | Undecided/open, to me means just that. I haven't decided one way or another so I'm open to it. But the situation must be right... i.e. I DO NOT want to be a single mom. EVER. So if it's not in my plan that's all right by me. I'd rather adopt really. | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/27/2008 8:50:12 AM | I am not a woman but when I was 30 I really did not want to start all over again, I had children early in life because I wanted to enjoy them not just watch them.
my brother at 44 years old thought he wanted to have a baby I said to him.
Imagine at your child's high school graduation someone coming up to you and saying "I am so happy when Grand parents can make it to these things!"
You can not enjoy children when you would rather not have to get off the couch.
What will you have in common?
If it is just a matter of procreating.
Who thinks they have the right to bring children into the world if they can not be a real parent to them. Money, advise, and discipline from a Barcalounger is not in any way, shape, or form parenting. | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/28/2008 10:29:17 PM | UNDECIDED for women means they are waiting to fall in love, THEN they are waiting for the man they love to make the decision, so they can just agree with him, hoping it will keep him happy. If it doesn't they wield the 'Club of Blame' over the man's head, proclaiming: "YOU wanted kids."
The decision is much too important to be left to someone else. Therefore, men should decide on their own if they want children, and only date women who have the same feelings on the subject with conviction.
Two people who are wishy-washy about having kids and just do to "see how it goes" are the worst parents in the world. Make up your mind and get with someone who has the same mindset.
Talking someone into it as a condition or "proof" of love should be a felony offense.
For all practical purposes, UNDECIDED == DON'T WANT (more) KIDS.
"I'll date her and see if she changes her mind..." --->>> BAD MOVE. What if she changes right back? Find someone who KNOWS in their heart from the start. | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/28/2008 10:45:45 PM | Uh your reply really irritated me to no end. Each person be it a male/female has the personal choice of deciding for themselves whether or not they CHOOSE to have or want to have children. If a woman has children, she like me may possibly want another child, when/if the right man ever came along and it was a mutual decision. Where does it say anywhere that a woman can't have children because of too many abortions???? That has nothing to do with some forms of infertility, being in the healthcare field and having family members struggle with infertility(which is NOT caused by having numerous abortions), this remark is way off base and makes you sound like an idiot, a complete idiot! And despite whatever era a female may have grown up in, rape is rape, no means no, but again what does that have to do with this question at all??? Undecided upon the issue of having children is a personal choice and shouldn't mean anything other than that....perhaps it's time you reviewed www.m-w.com and learned the clear and precise meaning of "undecided". Perhaps you'd be better served to check yourself and your "comments", before you go posting such nonsensical rhetoric...it's baseless and blatant stupidity on your part to post such things. I won't apologize either, because I can't fix stupid. You should apologize for making such an asinine comment, and then apologize to the readers like me who wasted our time and lost valuable brain cells expended when attempting to understand such ludicrous remarks.  | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/28/2008 11:58:56 PM | ^^^^ Venus, I will tell you WHY men have responded to this inquiry. It is important to us to know what you plans are for the future. Many women act as if everything will simply take care of itself when they fall in love or when they meet "the one". Somehow a Disney ending will ensue...roll credits.
Men know it takes more than some love jitters to ensure a happy and prosperous future, and in our society as it is today, it usually falls upon a man first to make the plans that will bring that vision to life. Whether the women makes double the man's salary or just knits socks, she still tends to want him to lead the way. A leader must make choices and to make choices a leader needs facts.
"Whatever" is not a fact. It is not a decision. It is not a basis on which to steer your life or the life of people who depend on you. Women state with consistency that they desire a man who knows what he wants, or knows where he is going.
Well, Venus....if YOU CANNOT DECIDE, someone has to make a decision. If you want kids today, and don't want kids next month, that leads nowhere for "the one" to plot a course for your life. If want to just drift, that's ok. What I'm saying is that there are men out there that know ONE WAY or the OTHER what they want, and they will not wait for you to come down on their side of the fence. They will go find a woman who is already there.
If you feel you need a man to drag you off to one side or push you off the other, that is your choice. Simply be aware that those people who have already decided their preference will not suffer your indecision.
Of course, you can get pregnant by a man who isn't sure what he wants, and then you can come back and ask why men don't know what they want. Well, I guess that's the definition of "UNDECIDED". | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/29/2008 1:55:37 AM | I put undecided because I truly am undecided. I love kids (with lots of soy sauce!), but at this point in time I am not sure if I want to have them or not... not to mention I haven't found anyone worthy of reproducing with anyway. I do get a yearning for them when my friends hand me their babies to hold..  but then I remember all the dirty diapers, waking up every five seconds, and so forth.. and it makes me hand the baby back really quick. | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/29/2008 10:53:06 AM | Desertbro.....in defense of Venus....how many men on a singles, dating site really want to hear that a woman is ready to throw caution to the wind and make babies and get married on the first or second date???? Isn't that what makes people of BOTH genders run like the wind?? Sheer desperation??? Plus it's just not something that comes up in the topic of conversation when getting to know someone, in the first few weeks/months. The child/marriage conversation will find time to rear its head when the time is appropriate.
I don't expect a Disney ending because I know that fairy tales are just that, fairy tales. I know the difference between fantasy and reality. | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/29/2008 11:58:45 AM | OP - I have put this note in my profile, because I have been asked a lot of questions about kids by men wanting to find out more about me and this seems to have explained things quite well and seems to be working for me:
About Kids - well I'm at point in my life that I'm not interested in having any more children of my own, as my person desire to be a mother has been fulfilled earlier in my life, with my own children. However, by saying that I would view the children of the man in my life as an extension of the man that I care about, and how could I not care about his children? I realize that your children already have a mother and I'm ok with that. I would welcome children into a relationship and hope for a respectful relationship all around. I would be there when called upon as a positive influence and friend, just as I would hope the man in my life would feel and be the same with my kids. | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/29/2008 8:00:01 PM |
The child/marriage conversation will find time to rear its head when the time is appropriate.
Lilbee: If both the man and woman are undecided, I agree neither may be inclined to bring the subject up soon, certainly not on the first few dates.
If one or the other is quite certain they DO or DO NOT want children, the appropriate time to mention it is BEFORE you meet for coffee. As for running like the wind? I think that's entirely appropriate, too. You should run from anyone that has a life plan that conflicts severely with your own --- ESPECIALLY when a life is involved.
I don't think anyone mentioned throwing caution to the wind. On the contrary, I believe the discussion has been about using a measured amount of caution in dealing with people who are indecisive about something that will affect the rest of one's life. If you met someone who was simply DESPERATE to reproduce, I would certainly advise you to run like the wind!  | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/30/2008 7:56:56 AM | I'm 35 and unsure. Why? Well, I am at an age where I would be a high risk pregnancy. Not sure if I want to risk any potential children's health. I also don't want any stepchildren. Adoption is really expensive if you want a healthy child.
Great question! | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/30/2008 10:25:04 AM | In my case its as follows....
Undecided:
1. I have children.
2. I can phsyically have more children and would with the right man if thats what we wanted.
3. I am also happy with my two if my partner doesnt want children.
4. I am happy with my two if my partner doesnt want to have more children in addition to mine and his own.
5. I will welcome another mans children into my life. | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/30/2008 8:10:35 PM | Desertbro.....We weren't talking about someone who is quite certain they DO/DO NOT want children...we were referencing the people who have checked the "undecided" option on their profile. If people are quite certain they DO/DO NOT want children and have specified this on their profile, which is their choice when filling out a profile, then what is to talk about?
I agree with the things you said about conflicting life plans and the like, I wouldn't expect anyone would settle or desire to be with someone who doesn't share their ambitions and desires.
If a person is undecided about having children on either partners part, then I would reiterate what I stated above that this conversation will be raised between the couple in the scheme of conversations. It will come up when the couple is comfortable with discussing it and just as with any decision, a person man/woman may be decided on not having another child, meet someone and decide through the course of the relationship that they do in actuality desire having a child with their mate. Having a child is not a decision to be made in haste, nor is is a decision to be made lightly and I don't think anyone who has commented in response to the OP has stated that, including myself or you.
It's simply to be left up to the individuals to decide what is going to be in the future for the two of them. | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/30/2008 8:17:51 PM | And Desertbro after reviewing your profile here, you neither desire to have children, nor do you have any children..so why are you even worried about commenting on this topic since it is of no concern to you about whether a woman would be "undecided". Simply review the womens profiles and find one who matches your ideals and take it from there and leave those of us women who are "undecided", to remain just as we are "undecided". Do people ask you why you haven't had children or why you don't want children?
I wouldn't ask you that because it's none of my business, we aren't involved romantically/personally/emotionally/physically.....so to each their own and its' a free country.
My point is that while your opinion is just an opinion, I find it extremely hypocritical of you to even expound on this topic when you yourself don't even have children of your own. How can you even sit there and say the things you have said about women?? On what are you basing your opinions? I will stop now because I think I've made my point. Kind of like a woman commenting on why don't men get a vasectomy if they are so dead set against having children??? Why, because they may be "undecided"...and that's their choice. | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/31/2008 12:17:04 AM | ^^^^^ Lilbee: A quick refresher if you didn't read all the posts in this topic. Read message 62 from Venus, and my response in message 63.
My opinions and comments are based on life experiences. A profile is just a document. When you meet someone face to face is when you start to discover how much of that document is just fluff written as a lure. I can exclusively date women who "state" in their profile that they don't want kids, yet upon dating them, suddenly they start saying things like "I'm really undecided" and "What would OUR kids look like?"
Because I find profile statements to be of questionable validity, I think it's very important for me to understand WHY women flip-flop on issues they claim are so central to their very existence. What I thought would be no-brainer seems to be the toughest nut to crack.
I like what PhoenixRising said in message 69 --- I don't think she is undecided at all --- she has a clear vision of what she would do in any circumstance.
And YES, women ask WHY I don't have children 100% of the time. Men will ask 'IF' I have kids, but very rarely ask 'WHY' I don't have kids. | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/31/2008 7:49:06 PM | Desertbro...you are generalizing and making blanket statements. All women I am sure don't ask you WHY you don't have children. If I were speaking to you I'd ask you IF you had children and IF you didn't I wouldn't need to know the reasons why, it would be maybe for any number of reasons and it would be none of my business.
I have a clear vision of what I want and if I never have another child, then I'm OK with it. IF however, I meet someone and we mutually decided through the course of the relationship that we would want to have a child together, then it is something that I would consider. I would accept a partner and his child/children, if we wanted a child either biologically or through adoption, I would accept and love this child too, but like I said, I've had children and if I don't have anymore I am fine with that too. Does that make me undecided? Not really, because I am firm in it when I say that I am OK with any of those scenario's, it would just depend on my partner and how we felt together, because making and raising a child should be an effort on both parts.
It is a tough nut to crack when looking at the bigger picture in this question...I guess my point would be that it would be that as much as we think we may see eye to eye or as much as we think we may know someone, people change and they can change their minds. I guess it is safe to say that this issue may always be up for scrutiny and there will always be those who truly "don't know what they want". | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 1/31/2008 10:55:12 PM |
I guess it is safe to say that this issue may always be up for scrutiny and there will always be those who truly "don't know what they want".
Can you make that a search parameter on POF? Then if anyone selects it for their search, they will be instantly disenrolled and their profiles deleted. The browsers will be blocked, and the true candidates for a relationship will remain.
Is that too harsh?  | |
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| to the women over 30 and 'Undecided' on children...
Posted: 2/1/2008 12:53:49 AM | Would suggest it might be best to ask the woman at some point!
Is it really a prerequisite? Are you certain you would make a good parent?
Seems being concerned about that is a bit of the cart before the horse syndrome.
What does it mean when a 40 year old guy answers the same - undecided?
It is, what it is... as yet to be determined based on the person, place or things.
Have heard some, paticularly women, say they check undecided because while they may not want to give birth to a new baby, they are not opposed to dating a man who has children.
Good luck figuring it all out. | |
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