| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/3/2008 8:47:39 PM | you are so right, it just damages the relationship.
My ex wife use to do the silent treatment all the time. One time i remember she stopped speaking for 2 days, I asked why, she said I should know and stopped talking again. After a week I said this is stupid what did I do. She said something about the laundry room, my step daughter said it was not me that made the mess but her.
So my ex caused great hard feelings by NOT TALKING about a problem. If she just spoke she would have discovered she was angry at the wrong person. | |
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naeco
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Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 77 | |
| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/3/2008 8:48:23 PM | | The silent treatment is nothing but a manipulation tool, used to make the other person feel guilty and take blame upon themselves. Kids do it when they are 3 years old to get what they want, and unfortunately there are adults who feel the need to resort to a child's tactics to get what they want. Unless you want to be with someone who acts like a child when they are angry, then it's time to leave the first time this happens. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/3/2008 8:55:39 PM | I once drove in a van from Denver to Virginia Beach with my three children and soon-to-be-ex-husband, and he, honest to God, did not speak to me once the entire three days of travel, nor did he speak to me as we vacationed with his extended family for a week. He was angry because he thought a ten year old and two eight year olds should maintain constant silence while in the vehicle, and I did not agree with his assessment.
Vengence was mine, as all the sister-in-laws and his mother approached me at one point or another and asked me what the hell was wrong with him.
It is a nasty, nasty, passive-aggressive approach and I have no respect for it. But this is the same man who sat at the kitchen table at the opposite end from me and watched the reflection of the TV in the microwave behind me, pretending that he was making eye contact with me and listening to the dinner conversation. Sick. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/3/2008 8:59:59 PM | | You guys are making it sound as if its the worst possible crime, but remember there is usually a reason behind the 'silent treatment', a jackass treatment of some sort ... and sometimes the girl needs the time to think about it (better than blowing of on you) ... and sometimes the guys don't understand if you talk to them anyways (which you know is gonna die of anyways but just seems right at the moment) | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/3/2008 9:00:13 PM | I am sure it will come as no surprise to the forum community when I say.....
If I have gone silent, it is because I am done with you. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/4/2008 12:59:06 AM | | Given the choice, silent treatment or b_tching treament.....have to go with silent, which ultimately leads to the door, next day thinking 'I kind of miss her...b_itching.' This stuff just ain't fair. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/4/2008 6:01:09 AM | Hi,
Wow... this seems to be quite the diversity in opinion thread. I might be able to see a lot of other sides of this had I not taken a few psych courses in college and had so many friends in the psych field. It is childish and/or it is learned.
Some counseling can fix it. If you're unwilling to fix the problem, then be prepared for the consequences. Someone who is willing to tolerate it. Once people get beyond 40, I see that number start to heavily drop off. People have been through the first marriage, most citing "irreconcilable differences" (most times, someone or both weren't communicating or refused marriage counseling) and now they're at the state (like myself) where I don't want to waste any more time in my life playing childish games.
P. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/4/2008 6:14:43 AM |
You guys are making it sound as if its the worst possible crime, but remember there is usually a reason behind the 'silent treatment'
It's manipulative, childish, passive aggresive bullshit. That's why.
sometimes (a person) needs the time to think about it
There's a HELL of a lot of difference between "I'm angry/mad at you/what you did/didn't do, give me a bit to get my thoughts straight, and then we can talk" and breaking all lines of communication.
One is a rational mature way of addressing a situation, the other is an attempt to push the "I win" button and put the other person on the defensive. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/4/2008 6:22:09 AM |
Well, I don't have many things to complain about women but I think this is a universal dilemna for us guys that drives us nuts......
Hell…it’s the only time I’m not being nagged to death…..I’m always looking for new ways to get the silent treatment………………..  | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/4/2008 6:43:45 AM | As for the "silent treatment" being a case of someone choosing not to talk to someone else in order to 'get their way' or as some form of "punishment" > Very immature and not appropriate to an Adult relationship.
However!!! There are times when I have decided to cut off communication. Generally that is at THE END of a (bad) relationship. I don't entertain those anymore. I had an old boyfriend who used to accuse me of giving him the silent treatment, yet whenever we got into an argument he would either leave the house for hours (ie retreat into his cave) OR he would become aggressive - yelling and getting up in my face in a threatening manner. He got a Permanent "silent treatment".
I don't "Communicate" with people who are screaming in my face and have been known to hang up the phone on someone who starts yelling.
Communication is about talking AND listening - when either or both parties choose to stop doing either, the communication is Over. I figure when the communication stops so does the relationship.
**Talking is NOT screaming, yelling, ranting and raving. Those are All weapons that will shut down Most communications. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/4/2008 9:51:20 AM | ^^^^^
I second that. And I'm a little tickled to see men using the words "passive aggressive" to describe a woman's choice to go silent in an arguement. What...you want a verbal knock down dragout? lol, just kidding....but SOMETIMES a woman goes silent to protect herself.
There are times when a woman knows that no matter what she says, it won't do any good. At that point, she chooses to shut up rather than have things escalate to something PAST "passive aggressive". If you (a man) are getting a GREAT DEAL of silent treatment, you may want to look to yourself as having possibly a small issue...rather than assuming it is your mate. To be blatently clear, the FIRST time (not the fifth or sixth or hundredth time) someone gives you what you think is "the silent treatment", your response should be to say "ok...obviously I am not getting through to you or I have done something wrong that is bothering you. If you cannot verbalize it to me, or at least write me a note about your feelings, then we will never get past this hurdle. If you won't talk to me, I'm going to call a counselor and we'll both go"..................
That will result in one of two things...
They will talk and you will find a way to work it out, and they will realize the "silent treatment" does not work with you/they will realize you really care and really DO want to not have discomfort between the two of you..
OR
They will refuse, and you will call a counselor. If they refuse to go, if you are smart, you will divorce them/leave them.
There is always an answer to a problem. Its just that most people don't have the guts to do what it takes to solve the problem. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/4/2008 12:10:44 PM | | In my case it's not a weapon, but a survival tool! Warring with my temper and trying to wrestle out just WHY I'm angry, I realize that I do give the "silent-treatment". But it's not a matter of doing it deliberately, but of going back over the events to figure out just why I got so angry! After a very short bit, I usually see that somewhere in it all, that my mouth probably has a few toes popped in.... Instead of just apologizing right off, I wait for a new subject to appear! *shrugs* It's usually laughed at later with great gusto.... | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/4/2008 12:28:55 PM |
"ok...obviously I am not getting through to you or I have done something wrong that is bothering you. If you cannot verbalize it to me, or at least write me a note about your feelings, then we will never get past this hurdle. If you won't talk to me, I'm going to call a counselor and we'll both go"
That's still passing the buck and making the other person totally responsible for your mental and emotional happiness. It's a step in the right direction, but still not quite there. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/4/2008 12:34:51 PM | No. That is making the other person totally responsible for their own actions. Its called giving them a choice to act responsibly. If they choose to NOT act responsibly, then the loss is theirs.
The other person in a RELATIONSHIP is EQUALLY responsible for the emotional and mental happiness of the couple. You cannot live with a Silent Angry Person and walk around with a smile on your face all the time. You communicate with them, tell them how YOU feel, tell them you cannot tolerate their behavior and you hope they will either change or the two of you will need to seek outside intervention. If the person refuses to cooperate in EITHER WAY...you leave them. Thats how YOU are responsible for your own mental and emotional happiness. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/4/2008 12:50:19 PM | Obviously I grabbed the wrong part of that. My fault for trying to be keep the quotes short. :)
It's not the actual statement I quoted that I'm taking issue with, it's the thought process behind:
To be blatently clear, the FIRST time (not the fifth or sixth or hundredth time) someone gives you what you think is "the silent treatment", your response should be to say...
Here's the problem, It's still you pressing the "I win" button and EXPECTING the other person to take a defensive or submissive posture by stating that it's THEIR problem/fault and then doing whatever YOU think is correct to rectify the situation.
To add insult to injury, you expect the person to be psychic and realize that this isn't a "normal" absence of communication without you actually explaining it is.
If my friend/partner/lover and I have a difference of opinion, or a disagreement that's cool. Be adult enough to say you are upset, or do have an issue, and we can sort it out when and where it's appropriate . Even if we agree to disagree, and just drop it and move on, we're both better off for it, and we both know it's going to be something that we'll have to respect each other's difference of opinion on. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/4/2008 2:30:02 PM | lol@ Bethlett 
She's a pistol!..I love her pictures!....she'd be a riot to hang out with I bet........
are all the fun loving women on the left coast? ......sucks to be stuck here in Hamilton | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/6/2008 11:02:22 AM | I think (no..I know) there are ppl that WISH I would give them the silent treatment.....
Unfortunately for them...I insist on getting whatever it is resolved and saying what I have to say. ..
Unless..in my mind, you are done and I will probably never give you another thought....but to reach that point, it would have to be fairly severe. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/6/2008 11:19:22 AM | Some people have, quite correctly IMO, drawn the distinction between the silent treatment and withdrawing a titch to sort out your thoughts/feelings before you handle it with the other person again.
The silent treatment has an intent to punish the other person... it is a weapon. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/6/2008 11:21:43 AM | The silent treatment....hanging up on the phone.....very immature, not to mention not good for a relationship.
I give myself a 10 minute time out if I'm upset, just so I put my thoughts into check before I speak, but the silent treatment....that's ridiculous! | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/6/2008 11:28:37 AM | I am only silent when I need to calm myself down and figure something out...BEFORE I open my big yap and say something that comes from emotion and no thought. But I will say that, "I just need to be quiet right now, I will talk to you later". When I have sorted it out then I will be ready to talk about whatever it was that angered me or made me upset. Someone wants to see it as a "game"... oh well, that's not my problem. I'm pretty upfront most times.
It isn't done for manipulation... not in my case. It's done so I can have time to think things through.
I have been on the receiving end..where it WAS used as a punishment...LOL. I just went about my business... he got the point that I don't consider it much of a punishment. I like the quiet.
If I am completely silent and refuse to speak about anything, anytime, or even give a respectful reason for silence.. then I am done with the relationship. There's nothing more to say at that point.
Communication is vital... so is giving space and respect for anothers way of dealing with things as long as they take responsibility for how they do that.
Peace | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/6/2008 11:36:56 AM | I dated someone a loooong time ago who used to get silent and walk ahead of me when she was mad at me. I used to follow her around like "whats wrong? just tell me".. she loved the attention so she used the weapon more and more until it seemed like she was mad 24/7.
Nowadays, if I got the silent treatment, i just ignore it. Silence is golden.
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/6/2008 11:45:03 AM | Once again an ex-boyfriend instead of emailing me to let me know what is bothering him, is just deleting my emails. I think he must have some mental issues, didn't learn how to deal with problems when he was young and has never learnt the correct way of dealing with the truth or anything else.
I see men doing the nontalking thing much more then women. A woman will tell you what that matter is. She may have to calm down a bit so she can tell you what the problem is, but usually I think women tell you. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/6/2008 12:22:48 PM | | Some women love to use the silent treatment as punishment for some sort of transgression. Me, I welcome the quiet. I figure if somethings bothering her, she'll speak up. Otherwise, it means things are fine. | |
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