| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/6/2008 12:32:18 PM | I hate the silent treatment. I think it is very counterproductive and very much a tool of control and manipulation.
When I am angry I sometimes need a cooling off period. If that's the case, I will ask for one. During that time I am too angry to be reasonable, so it's best to respect my request.
I know of a situation where the b/f went 5 days without speaking to his live-in g/f. She broke under the pressure and kissed his a**. It galls me that she's still with him.
I can hardly imagine 5 days. I've tried to put myself in her shoes. What? How? I think at about 3 days I'd have cracked and packed my bags, but I'm only guessing at my reaction. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/6/2008 1:29:08 PM | I think anyone who feels a need to be on a power trip - is just not worth having around. Both sexes do the silent treatment, where it goes on for an extended period, or over something trivial - I would be suspecting a mental condition.
Many people go quiet when upset, or they go loud and vocal - it is an each way choice.
If you are not responded to with something clear, when you ask what is wrong, check that they are not depressed first. If it is manipulative, say so - calling a spade a spade is the best way to bring a game to a close.
A thoughtful person will think things through before discussing an issue - if it is a heavy duty issue such as suspected unfaithfullness - you must let a person have the space to think. To many times we are rushing to fill a space - when each person simply may have their own rythms and need for quiet. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/6/2008 1:31:18 PM |
Some women love to use the silent treatment as punishment for some sort of transgression
Most men would find that a Blessing...not a punishment!! | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/6/2008 2:51:19 PM | I wouldn't say that I ever give the "silent treatment" per se; if the man in my life does something that upsets me, I'll typically discuss it pretty openly. There is ONE exception, though: if I'm so angry that I know I can't discuss it productively, then I won't discuss it until I mellow out. Even then, though, I'll share that something's bugging me, and I do want to talk about it - but not right this minute.
Silent treatment is passive-aggression, and I hate that. :-) | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/6/2008 2:55:38 PM | | I personally am want of those silent treatment people however it is nothing more than me wanting to calm down and as I don't wish to say something terrible when in an "emotional" state that I would regret. I learned many years ago when we are upset, we can get a tad nasty and say things that may be a little harsher than normal. Maybe this is wrong, but I feel it is better for both parties to wait until we both calm down. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/6/2008 3:11:12 PM | | Hmmm - have you never heard a man say "End of discussion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and just walk away? I guess that's okay because he's not pouting?...same difference. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/6/2008 4:07:45 PM | I'm sure there are plenty of cases where the Silent Treatment is a passive-aggressive bahavior.
However, I would also argue that there are times when someone needs time to collect thoughts, and rather than say anything, need that time. Which is perceived as the silent treatment, and the derisive comments that follow move the whole issue away from the content and into posturing.
Communication doesn't just include talking, it includes knowing when not to talk.
Bob | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/6/2008 4:32:50 PM | Silent is not a part of my vocabulary when it comes to opinions... being irritated at someone..or.........just because.
'Gossip' is never silent and I wear my name very well indeed.
Probably why I'm single.  | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/8/2008 5:24:47 AM | | When I am upset with someone, I do not yell, scream, punch the wall, hit anyone or anything. I get quiet, I find something to do, like washing dishes, doing laundry, dusting. Something that will help me to focus on what was upsetting me. That way I can calm down, look at it from different perspectives, look at the problem logiclly. Till I can understand what it was that upset me so. In all my relationships, I have never yelled back at my SO. But have always achieved peace, well for the moments...lol | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/8/2008 8:19:03 AM |
When I am upset with someone, I do not yell, scream, punch the wall, hit anyone or anything. I get quiet, I find something to do, like washing dishes, doing laundry, dusting.
That's awesome, I'd be tempted to tick ya off so's I could get the needed chores done.. ...   | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/8/2008 11:30:51 AM | I am also vocal with my feelings but I’m not going to deny that, I do use ‘the silent treatment tactic’
I use it when, I can’t fight my way to win in the situation because I don’ think I’m wrong  or when the SO is really being in considerate and insensitive or When I know that
I’m right and he is just too stubborn to listen and admit.
The silent Treatment does give me some quiet time to contemplate about the situation.
In my case, ignore me for a couple of minutes or a couple of hours. I’ll get over it.
And do please stop nagging and enjoy the quiet moment being given to you as well, the more you nag the more it forces me stop talking because I am not going to waste any energy talking, when I know at that moment it will not lead to anything (specially if you’re both stubborn).
Given some time, I would be all cuddly and yes I would tell you I am wrong . If the SO is being inconsiderate and insensitive, I still would explain, but more time, I end up understanding the attitude, which sucks…really…it’s not that I’m wrong, I still think the SO is wrong, but , you figure that’s one of his best trait…and you gotta love it sometimes. And when NO DOUBT that he is wrong … thank you for admitting …I Love you too
If that’s immature … I don’t know, but use properly, makes a better way for communication. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/8/2008 2:46:46 PM | My version of the silent treatment is absence. It's over. No more chances to hurt my feelings or show me that everything is all about him. When I'm not talking to someone I'm not there and will not be there. Really, if you love someone or even like someone deeply and something happens, it is not serious enough to throw things all away by playing silent treatment games. Confusion gets a chance to really mess things up. But, if you are around someone for a short time and begin to realize that it's all about him and what he wants; your feelings are secondary . . . and this is the "best foot forward" stage, it's time to leave it alone. Have to imagine what it would be like say, six months down the road.
My thought is "Let me miss you."
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/8/2008 2:58:27 PM | when in a relationship you must give up the "right to remain silent" if you want things to work. when i see something i dont like......if she is a little too friendly with another man, or whatever....in the last instance it happened....all I had to say to her was "Babe, would you be 100% totally ok with it if I did the same thing? Just think about it." She replied, "Well....no." So I retorted, "Just think about it. Love ya. G'night." That was the end of it, at least for then.
If she had replied "Oh thats so immature for you to act like that!" or some other liberal shenanigans, I'd have bailed like hay. Once their heart begins to stray,it's over....be done. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/8/2008 4:52:41 PM | | Yell, scream, call me an a-hole, just dont give me the silent treatment. Communication is such a big issue with me in relationships and the lack of it drives me bonkers. Dont expect me to know whats in your head. Hell, half the time I dont know whats going on in MY head. Guess thats why wallflowers are just too much work, I prefer stronger personalities. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/8/2008 5:18:48 PM | Silent treatment? You think that's bad? When someone does something crude and rude to really really pee me off, I act like they don't exist at all. Now THAT'S a head trip.  | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/8/2008 6:19:10 PM |
So, what do you do? Be quiet - we're pouting; speak our minds - well, that doesn't work either .
You don't only have two alternatives in communicating, you know: be silent, or just throw out any and all words that come to mind, without thinking of the consequences. You may THINK that you're asking a "simple question", but you have to give some thought to how it's being received, too.
I've actually been told to "state half an opinion." That is one of the most ignorant things anyone has ever said to me.
Maybe the person(s) was tactfully trying to tell you that you talk too much, and that you tend to offend. Just sayin'...
Think about it - one either has an opinion or doesn't. There is no in between. Geesh!
And, just because one HAS an opinion, does not mean that one is OBLIGED to throw it in peoples' faces.
Sometimes, being a good conversationalist rests in NOT saying the WRONG thing.
Arlo
"If you must be candid, be candid beautifully." -- Kalil Gibran | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/8/2008 6:29:08 PM |
I wouldn't say that I ever give the "silent treatment" per se; if the man in my life does something that upsets me, I'll typically discuss it pretty openly. There is ONE exception, though: if I'm so angry that I know I can't discuss it productively, then I won't discuss it until I mellow out. Even then, though, I'll share that something's bugging me, and I do want to talk about it - but not right this minute.
's cool! Everyone needs a cooling-off period when they're majorly P.O.ed about something; I don't think anyone would consider that "silent treatment".
Silent treatment is passive-aggression, and I hate that. :-)
I second that emotion...
Arlo | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/8/2008 6:41:26 PM | Excellent point Arlo, reminds me of the other side of the coin tho'
One of my personal axioms is... "If you don't know where to start, just say it badly, then clean it up".
Sometimes you're not sure how to say something, or even necessarily have a "final answer"... so I'd rather start the dialogue, feel our way through it and clean it up as we go along.
Several men I've known have been initially reluctant to trust this process... because people in their past have felt once something has been said out loud, that's IT, that's your point-of-view and they will not allow you to change or develop it - even with new information or further discussion.
I think that's a load of malarky and may be ONE of the reasons people fall back on silence. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/8/2008 6:46:28 PM | | Sometimes the silent treatment can be better than trying to be Mr. Right........but I didn't know his first name was ALWAYS!! We gals do have an opinion and like to think that our opinions are of value as well. YOUR opinion is not always the gospel and when we are thrown this, sometimes thats why we get silent because when we do say something in this respect and are told that it is not right, yes, thats when we clam up. Guys, say what you mean and mean what you say! Don't try to be macho men....try a little tenderness and maybe the "silent treatment" will never come into effect. Thats when so-called potential relationships go sour. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/8/2008 6:50:14 PM | Happens both ways ...
Read Men are from Mars and Women from Venus by John Gray.
Learn to be intimate, love and confident. Be patient ... we need to learn how to communicate. | |
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| The Silent Treatment......ughhhhhh (lol)
Posted: 1/8/2008 7:29:14 PM | I have had the silent treatment used on me, and I have used a coping mechanism in a relationship that really just amounted to the silent treatment. This was all in the same relationship, mind you, and I'll also state that it wasn't like we had any communication problems either. Before I even started dating this person,we talked for months getting to know one another, and we used to talk hours over the phone.
Well having the silent treatment used on me, what can I say, it bothered me that she was so distant; and there was so much distance between us. I made myself very available, and we would talk hours over the phone, but I was given the cold shoulder. We would talk on the phone, and she would barely respond and it seemed she had checked out of the conversation. At the same time it wasn't as if it wasn't warranted. I acknowledge that I had mistake. There was nothing I could do, I just had to give her the time to come to some sort of grip, and then just hope that she would give me a chance to work things out. The important thing is that I acknowledged I made a mistake, and that the silent treatment didn't come out of left field. Ultimately she forgave me and we were able to move passed it. I remembered afterwards she had told me, that I had hurt her, and she wanted to hurt me back.
During the course of the same relationship, we had problems again. They went so much deeper than anything I thought I could fix by addressing in words. What do you do when the problems at the root of the conflict arise when morales/principles come into question. These were problems that I think people should know, as it broke down to morales/principles; yet for some reason she didn't. No one enjoys slamming the ex stories so I'll just leave it right there. I will say that they were not simple problems, I think anyone would have walked out right there. I know my friends told me to walk out right there. I was resiliant, and I tried to let the answer come in time. Maybe I just didn't know when to quit, which still gets me to this day. In that silence that ensued it wasn't that she wasn't on my mind, or the distance didn't bother me either.
So somewhere in my banter, I had a point and that is that the silent treatment is not always unwarranted. There is a problem at the heart of the matter, and you should know what the problem is. If you don't know what the problem is, then I'd say that is the reason behind the silent treatment; the fact you aren't even clued in the first place. After that dealing with the silent treatment just amounts to giving the other person some space, so you both can come back to the table with calmer minds. | |
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