| Talking about ex's and other guys on a date...
Posted: 1/3/2008 1:43:21 PM | I have no problem with my date talking about ex's and I would hope she wouldn't either.
at 57 its sort of naive to pretend their haven't been other people in your life. who they were and what the did or even didn't do is a real window on someones life.
fortunately most of mine were very interesting people so there is a good deal to say about them.
a good example here is dating women who have been involved in abusive relationships. it really helps to know this and what, at least generally, the abuse was so as to be sure not to wander into areas that may trigger some bad memories. | |
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| Talking about ex's and other guys on a date...
Posted: 1/3/2008 4:11:43 PM |
I try not to but I hate it when men get so close to me on the first few dates. It makes me think about my ex's. I have a better time when we are out doing something interesting to get my mine off of them. Am I even ready to date?
I believe that is pretty normal if you are not completely over your ex. Especially if you haven't had enough time in between relationships. I'd say 1 year is probably not enough time. More like 2years might be standard. So 2 years from your ex would seem by most standards to be enough time. Anything less would be considered rebound by most standards.
Shouldn't I be ready or am I just dating the wrong guys? And, if I am is it worth all this work? Should I just be patient"
It tend to believe it is part of both. Not enough time. And dating guys not good for you cause more damage emotionally. Although you may learn more from those relationships it takes more to get to the next relationship. Not to mention how it may impact the next date. Being patient is important only if it is within yourself to wait. I mean few years ago their was a girl I really liked. We had sex prematurely and things went down hill from there. She told me she did not want to have sex until marriage. Did I believe her? Nope. So I pushed for it. We did it but she left soon after. I learned a valuable lesson. Not only to listen a lil better but to be patient. She may have been cute but was the sex worth never being with her again? Yes  I'm just kidding. But seriously. You probably get my point now huh? But sometimes giving yourself some time might be healthy for you emotionally. If the guys your going out with are talking about there ex's all the time they are either insecure or they are not ready to be in another relationship. | |
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| Talking about ex's and other guys on a date...
Posted: 1/3/2008 4:28:41 PM | Thanks for your responses. I actually called the 2nd rebound guy to see what his problem was and why he hasn't returned my email. He's with his Mom in California and doesn't have internet access. We stopped seeing eachother 9 months ago and decided to remain friends. He told me that if I ever needed anything he would always be there so after all these dates, it just makes me think about the last relationship that I had that was comfortable. His voice put a smile on my face. I flirted a little, which I should not do because I don't want to open up any old wounds for him. But he is so hot and sweet. So young...
I know he is attracted to me but he is so young, however, 24 is better than 22 (when we started seeing eachother). I could never do anything to hurt him. But, I did mention that I was upset and that the only two men that I ever cared about both don't want to talk to me. He was surfing near San Diego- of course and wanted to call me back or see me when he gets back. Before he let me go, I told him I missed him, he was not surprised but caught off guard. I laughed and said I'm just flirting with you and he laughed to. I guess unresolved. The difficulty is we are friends but both extemely attracted to eachother. I'm over it. Just have to keep dating. | |
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| Talking about ex's and other guys on a date...
Posted: 1/3/2008 5:23:16 PM | If you must refer to an ex on a date to tell part of a story that says something about you, launch into it with "oh, my girl friend and I went to blah blah blah... "
When 8 years of your life was spent with the 1 person, then a lot of the great things you enjoy doing are probably going to include a re-count that involves your ex, its all a matter of side stepping the issue..
Just remember:
Leave behind the person, not the great memories !! | |
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| Talking about ex's and other guys on a date...
Posted: 1/3/2008 8:59:08 PM | | Well I will say what I say on most post. People are different. I personally prefer to hear about a girls ex. It lets me know what mistakes not to make and gives me a good indicator of whether or not the relationship can work or not. However, I also know that I am in the minority in this regard. So my advice would be this. If it comes up in conversation then yes go ahead and talk about your ex. Just try and be brief about it and move on. If the guy you are talking with it ask for details then go ahead and just let out what you feel (if he doesn't like what he heard too bad, he asked for it). | |
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| Talking about ex's and other guys on a date...
Posted: 1/4/2008 3:16:11 AM | Man you know what's funny? I'd rather she talked about ex's on the first date than find out she's hiding some secret obsession from me. Plus what ended the past relationships or what she put into/expected to get out of them really tells me a lot about who they are.
It's kind of like catching a glimpse into my own future. If she got dumped cause she cheated on him, or you know "he was trying to change me. but I told him 'no i won't shave there.' are you trying to change me? Why can't men just accept me for who I am?" It's like learning from someone elses mistakes so I don't have to waste my time on a basket case with a wandering eye or a severe attachement to her body hair...
Maybe it's just me, but all that stuff you're not supposed to talk about on a first date? I love it, just talk to me about politics, insult my religion, tell me your relationship woes of the past... All that stuff makes you who you are and that's what I'm trying to find out about, arguments are usually the insightful look into the mind of a person, I'm not sayin I wanna get into a screaming match but I'd love to dissagree and still know she wants to meet up for another drink you know? So long as there's not excessive akward pausing I'm ready to roll for round 2. | |
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| Talking about ex's and other guys on a date...
Posted: 1/4/2008 3:56:44 AM |
I have no problem with my date talking about ex's and I would hope she wouldn't either.
at 57 its sort of naive to pretend their haven't been other people in your life. who they were and what the did or even didn't do is a real window on someones life.
fortunately most of mine were very interesting people so there is a good deal to say about them.
I agree. Our past experiences and relationships are a part of what makes us the people we are today. Sometimes bad experiences or relationships teach us things about ourselves that we might not know or like, and gives us the opportunity to grow.
I was married to my ex for 12 years and with her for 14, a lot of my life's experiences occurred when she was there. It would be ridiculous to just forget those years and pretend like they never happened, to avoid the topic of my ex in conversation.
If somebody is so insecure that they take exception to an ex coming up in conversation, they really wouldn’t be for me. But on that note; if every conversation of experience you share with somebody new is compared to an ex, it might indicate other issues as well.
Remember the past and learn from it. Don’t keep trying to relive it or you will miss out on the present. | |
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| Talking about ex's and other guys on a date...
Posted: 1/4/2008 11:38:54 AM | I've brought up old girlfriends on previous dates, even gone so far to introduce old flames to new ones. There's a thread called NO CONTACT, that I would have liked to have read a long time ago.
If I've recently encountered an ex (which may lead me to think about her) while a new woman attracts me, the similarities I find attractive might conjure the ex into my thoughts to help prevent taking a similar course of action which led to previous emotional injury.
If you need to talk about your old relationships then you might be doing the work of emotional closure. That's good, and if your date doesn't mind playing the part of the therapist you could both enjoy this conversation. | |
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| Talking about ex's and other guys on a date...
Posted: 1/4/2008 5:01:57 PM | | Once you are really moving forward, the urge to talk about your ex boyfriends will go away. You are not over them yet. Until then, everyone is a rebound guy. | |
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| Talking about ex's and other guys on a date...
Posted: 1/5/2008 9:46:51 PM | Talkin' about the ex's? Horrible, horrible idea...We already know that the women we're dating may potentially be comparing us to the guys in thier past, but when one starts talkin' about it...Confirmation isn't always a golden thing to learn...
'Bout the dating thing, you'd be the best judge for that. Nothing wrong with being patient...On the same token, there's nothing wrong with cruising the scene on a more casual level either...Just do what feels right for you. | |
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