| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/4/2008 7:59:22 PM | I was widowed after a long marriage and I thought I'd never get over it when he died suddenly. But I did. I then met a nice man whom I fell in love with and we were together over a year before I found out he was cheating. I found out because he was in the hospital for a major heart attack and his 'other' girlfriend called me. I never spoke to him again.
It may sound crazy, but I had a harder time with the ending of the 2nd one. Maybe because there was no 'closure'- we didn't talk at all after I found out. Maybe because he'll always be at risk for dying now? Or maybe it was the cheating? We know what that does to one's self esteem and trust issues. I think most of it is because I knew he 'left' voluntarily and didn't really love me.
I grieved for 3 1/2 yrs before I even started to date after my husband died. My heart was so much more innocent after my husband died than it'll ever be again after the ex b/f. I don't expect it to take 3 1/2 yrs to fully get over the ex though because we weren't together as long for one thing. But there are a lot of similar 'grieving' feelings with the end of any relationship.
HR | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/4/2008 9:37:31 PM | Unless you have experienced both (which some who responded have) I think this is a difficult thing to answer. I know for me, after a 30 yr marriage, I often thought it would have been easier if my ex had passed on because I would have some closure. With a divorce, since the person is still alive & you may (on occasion) see them … it provides an opportunity for all those old memories to resurface. Like I’ve told others, in my case it almost feels the same as a death since the person I married in no way resembled the person I divorced.
Gary | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/5/2008 7:36:37 AM | My last husband; oh my I was truly in love with that man.
Still am. Unfortunately that man no longer exists.
He was killed by drugs, alcohol, and a crack whore (who now has possession of his body, but not the soul of the man I was in love with).
When it was good., it was very good. An accidental brush of his fingers across my skin could make me tingle; and this was five years into the relationship. I know I will never feel that way again. Even if I were to fall in love again it could never be as intense as that one. It is sad and I mourn the loss everyday. | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/5/2008 9:03:01 AM | "I often thought it would have been easier if my ex had passed on "
I have heard the above statement often. I know it if easy to make such statement when you haven't experienced both types of loss.
Trust me, it is much easier on you to go through a divorce in a marriage that isn't working, then it is to watch month after month your spouse of a happy marriage turn into a skeleton torn with pain in front of your eyes day after day. The trama of that will last forever. A person can happily remarry but that won't erase the vision of long term suffering from your mind.
I am sorry to be so graphic but it gets to be a bit much that the divorced think that they have had it so bad.
I would much rather have had my late husband dump me instead of loosing his life at the age of 38 for a long term illness. | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/5/2008 3:34:35 PM | Moraima,
I certainly can appreciate what anyone who has lost a spouse has gone through death. However, I think there are some similarities in losing a loved one due to death & losing a loved one due to addictions. In the same way that someone who has never lost a loved one to death can never know what it’s like … unless you’ve suffered with a loved one who has an addiction … I can’t imagine you being able to understand what it is like.
I know it is probably difficult to understand but watching your loved one being slowly destroyed by an addiction is not something I would want anyone to have to go through. In my case I was happily married for 20 yrs before my ex started her downward spiral with addictions. I was forced to witness the person I had known & loved all my life slowly turn into someone I did not recognize. I had to deal with the frustration of knowing that there was nothing I could do to change what was happening in much the same way a person who has to watch a loved one slowly slip away at the hands of a crippling disease. I know most people would have a very difficult time understanding this comparison but until you experience it first hand yourself, I don’t think you really know what it’s like.
Like I said in my original posting … not having experienced the loss of my significant other due to death I can’t compare what I went through to that situation. However, it would seem to me that with death comes some form of closure. Knowing that your loved one has passed on to a better place where they are free from any pain & misery that they may have experienced has to be a little comforting. However, when you lose someone to an addiction there are constant reminders of that pain & misery that continue to linger on.
For example my ex continues to embrace her addictions & pay a very high price for it. She has attempted to commit suicide on 3 different occasions & continues to be a risk not only to herself but to others around her. I see the pain in our children’s faces every day. I know what it feels like to have your children ask you … why can’t mom be a normal mother? Doesn’t she know we love her? Why does she continue to destroy herself? I know these are all questions that I don’t have answers for. That is what I am basing my earlier statement on about how the pain of losing someone to addictions can be as difficult or more difficult as losing someone to death.
I hope my opinion doesn’t offend anyone … like I said, I’m not in a position to be able to judge which is more difficult. All I am saying is that unless I had experienced both situations I would hesitate to proclaim how either can be more difficult to deal with. I just wanted to clarify what I had said earlier & provide a little more information to explain why I feel the way I do.
Like so many others … this is a great topic. I’ve enjoyed reading the responses … especially those from the unique individuals who have suffered through both types of losses.
Gary | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/5/2008 3:44:10 PM | | Although I have never experienced it, I believe losing a spouse through death would be much worse than being divorced. When someone dies it is not a choice and the people who are left behind are often left with a void that can never be filled by anyone or anything else. | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/5/2008 4:13:41 PM | | losing a spouse through death SUCKS my wife died 20 months ago and i think of her every day. we were married almost 30 years.in divorce you dislike the person who you onced loved in death you still loved the person with all your heart. there is nothing worst than lossing a spouse | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/5/2008 4:14:28 PM | | To rowdysheis, I'm actually kinda surprised by your comments. I always figured that , if your spouse dies and leaves you, they had no choice... however, in divorce, the other person is going on with their lives, knowing you are right here, and, they'd rather be alone than with you....does that make sense?....I'm divorced. I've never been widowed, so, your view point was quite interesting to me......I guess it just surprises me, because you have been through both situations and can give a first hand account of the feelings involved in both scenarios......thanks for sharing your views... I really found myself intriqued by your experience on the subject..... | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/5/2008 4:15:08 PM | I hope that all the folks who think that being divorced is as bad or worse than loosing a spouse to death don't find out the hard way that they may find death harder to deal with.
Of coure we are comparing apples and oranges. However, some similarities exist. If widowed people do get over their grief, they seem to do better on average than most divorced people.
When you become a widow, 99% of the time it isn't a shock to your self esteem.
I think both leave people with a different idea of reality. | |
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Tramp
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Joined: 2/8/2007
Msg: 35 | |
| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:05:48 PM | Miss:
Without reading all of the above...
Death is better, a cleanser, it takes the ills and pains with it.
If you loved the person, would love her/him in ashes as well.
Divorce: stays here and reminds you of the failures.
Marenga is a tormenting, tortuous dance, have to be in sink, enjoy. | |
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Tramp
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Joined: 2/8/2007
Msg: 36 | |
| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:24:46 PM | Steveracer, and all, Happy New Year.
Do it. | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:58:46 PM |
I've been widowed and divorced and divorce is easier, at least for me. I almost didn't survive my husband's death, it was so devastating. When you are in love with your spouse and they love you, and there isn't the animosity and fighting that is common in pre-divorce relationships, when you lose them, it shatters your life. In most divorces, there are a few years of things getting worse and worse, until you both are miserable. It is still painful and financially, it can be a nightmare, but for me none of my 4 divorces were as emotionally debilitating as my one husband's death. Now financially, divorce is worse! But that's another story...
Sorry rowdysheis, but if you've been married at leat 5 times , there's something wrong.
It sounds like your 'last' spouse was the one that died, and that is hard to deal with.
But if it had been your first spouse that died, or the 2nd, 3rd or 4th, would you feel the same way?
to gpb: my heart goes out to you. My younger brother-whom I'm closest with- went through very much the same thing. She went to rehab and stayed clean for awhile. Then she started using again and he didn't know what to tell his 3 teenage girls when their Mom disappeared for days at a time. She finally went to another rehab and never came home.
Having gone through a death and a 1+ yr relationship breakup, I still stand behind the cheating/lying being harder to handle mentally than the death of my husband. My husband was gone within 5 days of the first symptom-it was quick - or else I might think otherwise, had I had to watch him waste away day by day. It still took me 3 1/2 yrs before I was ready to date again after my husband's death. My heart was open when I began dating again-no one had ever hurt me before or gave me reason to doubt basic trust. I wish I could say the same for the ex b/f.
That's my two cents, whether you want to hear it or not.
HR | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/5/2008 6:02:47 PM | | Death or divorce, is that anything like death & taxes? It seems that way. Death is a part of the life cycle. It's mandatory to deal with the loss of loved ones. Divorce is a decision made like getting married. You have the choice to do both. I haven't been through either, but I have had to deal with several deaths of friends and family. So my opinion is bias. It boils down to how one deals with regret, grief and stress. | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/5/2008 6:40:30 PM | | i divorced in 1990, and i felt like my life could really begin...and it did...5 years later i met a wonderful man, i lost him 2 years ago in a freak backhoe accident, on christmas eve. i lost my better half...i was no where near to letting him go. it has been hard to be alone again, it is not by choice.....but i am trying to live again and doing alright.... | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/5/2008 7:43:39 PM | it's better (socially) to be a widower than a divorcee..........
but BOTH are a death........death of a relationship | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/5/2008 7:55:26 PM | Long story and quite personal, but through situations with my ex-husband (he was extremely ill), I actually went through a grieving process that was almost identical to that which one experiences after a spouse dies.
It completely changed/ruined everything.
Despite valiant attempts, it could not be healed.
The relationship died, for all intents and purposes.
I shall venture a guess this happens more often than people are willing to admit (or realize).
^^BG^^ | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/5/2008 8:09:56 PM | | I've experienced the loss from a divorce and also from a death and I think it was easier to deal with the death. The divorce took years to really sink in.........the death was so final that I couldn't deny it. Death ends with a closeness and love.........divorce ends with some kind of separateness and/or conflict. JMO | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/5/2008 8:20:22 PM | I have never lost a S/O to death, but believe it or not, I was truly blindsided by the divorce. He called me at work and said he had filed after 28 years. Told me that no man would ever want me and he was sorry he had wasted all that time on me. The grief was unbelievable--he tore the family apart and tried to destroy my self-esteem. I have healed but the memories of the love that was is tainted by the ending. I would think with the death, you would have the grief and the memories of the love but not the destruction that often comes when one person tries to destroy another. I know from watching my mother die, how hard it was for my dad to see the person he loved, ill and dying but the upside (if there was one)was he was not hated by the person who was leaving him............
One poster called it apples and oranges--trust me it is not apples and oranges--it is the end of a relationship that was started with so many hopes and dreams, both are hard, but it is all a matter of how we deal with it. | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/5/2008 8:48:30 PM | I have experienced both. My first wife starting cheating after 10 yrs of marriage, we tried couselling for over a year and just couldn't reconcile. I didn't date for two years, I had weekend custody of the kids and paid child support faithlfully. There were a lot of feelings of failure, I don't like to quit, but it was the best thing. When there are young children involved your relationship with your ex goes on for years, there are lots of resentments and it can be quite challenging. In my case, I have an amicable relationship with my ex, we speak to each other when something comes up with the kids and haven't had a harsh word in many years now, but it took a long time.
My last wife passed away unexpectedly, she came down with the flu and developed respriatory failure, spent a month on a venitlator and died. The emotional hole that grief puts in you, is beyond compare. The divorce was a piece of cake compared to this. With the divorce I had righteous anger, in the case of my wife's death there was no one to be angry at, although I did get angry with her, and god.
In both cases, I think you are forced to grow up. You have to face each day, and do the next right thing in front of you, little by little you move on.
What I have found is that in both cases I have become a more compasionate person. Everyone has some kind of trauma in there life to overcome, it is not the trauma but how we deal with it that measures a person. | |
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OLT4U
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Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 45 | |
| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/5/2008 8:51:16 PM | An interesting post.
If you lose the one you love when you don't want to, it's harder than a death, in my opinion. The one you thought was there for a lifetime still is -- only with your replacement. I often thought that it would have been easier if we had been separated by death. At least I would have been spared the rejection and hurt. | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/7/2008 4:37:12 PM | I think you've phrased this beautifully. I have often thought that it would have been easier to lose a spouse to death because at least then he would have died still loving me. Then, I'd immediately feel guilty for even thinking that when I imagined how bad the finality of death would hurt. Yet, as you noted, the person in the divorce who is not "ready" for it is often forced to continue to see the person whom they loved and shared their soul with, yet that person is now a stranger - a stranger often with a new
spouse. Years later, I now realize that my divorce was a blessing in disguise because
I became a much more independent, confident person who learned to love myself more than I'd loved my ex, and I'm very thankful for that. I now feel like my ex,
the father of our children, is from an early chapter in my life (another lifetime ago), and our life together is just a memory. I pray there will still be another chapter that
will profit from the hard lessons I learned in the past.... | |
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Rladi
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Joined: 12/3/2007
Msg: 47 | |
| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/7/2008 6:07:05 PM | | I think being divorced has the same emotions as those who are widowed. I agree with outofthedesert as those widowed receive the sympathy that you don't receive when divorced. | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/7/2008 9:56:32 PM |
Having gone through a death and a relationship breakup, I still stand behind the cheating/lying being harder to handle mentally than the death of my husband. My husband was gone within 5 days of the first symptom-it was quick - or else I might think otherwise, had I had to watch him waste away day by day. It still took me 3 1/2 yrs before I was ready to date again after my husband's death. My heart was open when I began dating again-no one had ever hurt me before or gave me reason to doubt basic trust. I wish I could say the same for the ex b/f.
Doesn't it depend on who wants the divorce? I agree that it was much more painful in my
case when I was hurt and had reason to doubt basic trust. My husband didn't leave me
because he wanted to. He died in a sudden accident. That was very painful, sure, but
when you love someone and totally believe that they love you just as much, it is extremely painful to find out the person you are in love with just wants out, and you don't understand it. He is still out there running around, and for me, it's easier to know that my husband is gone. I hope that made sense. | |
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/7/2008 11:31:04 PM | I think it might be easier "physically" with death and "emotionally" with divorce. Let me explain what I mean. In most divorces (as others have mentioned) you may have to change where you live, how you live, the family income, less division of responsibilities with children and learn to live your life again without a SO, though eventually for most I think the love and longing for them subsides because of the failure of the union and because basically one no longer wants the other. I know I personally don't miss my ex at all now even though the circumstances were hell to go through.
In death especially if the love and marriage was solid there is no real "getting over them", they will stay the same (in a way) in your heart forever just as losing a parent or God forbid, someone losing their child. It would be even more devastating dealing with the loss on top of any financial issues and raising young children. Unless, the couple is very young most people have some kind of insurance to provide financially for those left behind, so in most cases the loss is mainly of the person themselves, not also losing their home and so forth. I would think it is much more difficult to "replace" a lost spouse than a "chucked" spouse in your heart, mind and soul.
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| Death or Divorce
Posted: 1/8/2008 3:46:07 AM | | I guess it breaks down into two emotional things: the loss of the individual and the change in life style. For me, the divorce caused loss of home, life style and the majority of the friends who did not want to be involved, even if the woman was my friend before the husbands became friends. I truly had to start over from ground zero and there was no one to help pick up the pieces except my family and one girlfriend. Even the church family (now ex-church) turned its head and I had always thought they cared. I think perhaps how we deal depends on all the other circumstances around you at the time. | |
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