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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 9:12:09 AM | Maybe some (not all but some) single mom's should look at making their situation more attractive to men. A few other posters have raised the same issues I have.
What should I do get rid of my kids?
That is the ticket, get rid of my kids, then men I wouldn't want to spend a moment with will want to date me!
Do you know what I think when I hear of a woman who does not have kids? I think nothing because it's irrelevant. Children do not make a person complete or better, just as they do not detract from a person.
Actually I spend most of my time trying to find the positive in life and avoid negative thinking, maybe that is why I have difficulty understanding some of the opinions in this thread. I couldn't image living my life in such fear. I might have a failed marriage and 3 kids but for me..my life began the day I met my ex-husband and only improved with the birth of each child. | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 9:30:57 AM | You should not get rid of your children..you should and could make dating you more attractive:
You could do this by:
Not introducing your child to your boyfriend until it is serious..(if you do it on date#1 it is not a good impression)
Show your man you are capable of caring for yourself and your children on your own. You may be able to do that but there are many single mom's looking for a man to provide for her and the children.
As I have said before when it gets serious give the man a role in the family unit other than provider, give him equal input in family decisions. I have seen too many cases were the step parents thoughts and feelings were ignored.
If you live in Canada lobby for change to the divorce and child support acts. | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 9:42:45 AM |
One issue that I do not think any of you single mom's and their supporters have not answered is what would you do if say you were married to someone or were dating them seriously and the child said to your S.O, "You are not my parent I do not have to listen to you?" That statement is made many times by children in step blendid family units. Do you realize how many times that same statement is made to the parents too? Not just step parents. How many kids growing up feel that their parents are not really their parents? How many have a fantasy that they must be adopted because only their so called real parents could understand them? How many times has a child yelled at their parent "I hate you...I don't have to listen to you...you're not my boss". Almost every child in existence has made those statements. Does that mean we walk away? No. It's part of parenting. Just wait until you hear those words from your own child. What will you do? | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 9:51:12 AM |
Quirky: many men, regardless of age, prefer to date single mothers because they seem less threatening than us childfree [as opposed to childless] women. Perhaps they feel unreasonably threatened by us because we don't seem to be threatened by anything.
Ugh how did that get in here? The losing last ditch effort of of feminism to shame dissenters into submission.
I.E.
I don't like your politics.....You're threatened by my beliefs.
I disagree with your fashion sense... You're threatened by individuality.
I don't like Mexican food... You're threatened by salsa.
I prefer not to date single parents...You're threatened by single parents
I prefer TO date single parents...You're threatened by people without children.
The "they" in the quote refers to the men, not single mothers. Some men feel threatened by confident women -- that's a fact.[/quote. Okay so a fact because you say so. Without getting into the difference between a "strong woman" and a "selfish b1tch", or the fact (because I say so) that many people will seek positive name for even their negative attributes, there still is the case of relevance. Men intentionally use this method to lower a woman's self-esteem, so he feels confident enough to talk to her. First it is called self-esteem for a reason. No one but you owns it. Wouldn't it make more sense that a man or woman might conceivably have a will of there own and include or exclude either childless people or single parents as potential dating material based on that first and foremost? And where do I claim to know what it's like to be a single parent? I said single parents SEEM less threatening, not that they ARE less threatening [or easily controlled]. Anyone that WAS concerned about a threatening or easily controlled would surely chase a childless person first with fewer risks financially and no responsibility except to themselves. Not to say there aren't a few counting on single parents reduced dating pool from making some less selective, but those people can only manage to date the sludge of that group rather than the cream. | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:25:21 AM | Johne, who says the majority of us single moms dont do just that?
I for one NEVER introduce my child to a man before dating him for ATLEAST 3 months and as I have said before, only then if I think the relationship is going somewhere.
I for one have always cared for my self and have NEVER needed a man to "provide" for me.
And if I got serious with a man and we moved in together with my child, then that man WOULD get a role within the family.
You are basing everything on the single moms YOU have attracted. I think that says more about you than it does the women... | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:35:04 AM | Man I cannot believe this thread will not die.
I think it may be time to just let ohne be. If you do not like what he has to say then perhaps this thread should be closed and all threads similar to it. Like he says you single moms keep asking the questions and all he is doing is giving an answer based on his experiences.
The small cluster of posters here are doing much the same thing, posting based on YOUR experiences. You tell me what makes your opinion any more valid than his?
Most of you disregard any attempts at looking at the facts and stats that are brought forth and that is based on what? YOUR personal experiences. Again what makes your opinion any more valid.
Even if the stats aren't quite as accurate as they could be you are all denying that they don't exist or you simply dismiss them. Doing this does not make them go away because you choose to ignore them.
There is a thread that asks why are you still single? Have any of you truly looked deep inside yourself and attempted an answer or is that too terrifying for you to face some truths that seem to me to self evident.
Most single parents here are in such denial and refuse to see the elephant in the room. Just because it didn't or isn't happening to you does not mean it isn't happening and that in itself tells me that maybe it is you that has a narrow view of the world.
Take a few minutes and picture surf around. This site may have started in an apartment but get real and notice that this a world wide thing going on. In every industrialized nation the same scenario is playing out. so what does that tell you or willing to deny that too?
No matter what you think about Johne and his views it is always about the money. Take any scenario you want and it will always come down to money.
What bothers me personally about single moms is how easy it is to throw out certain phrases without thinking as if it justified and normal.
Sperm doner, drug addict, deadbeat dad, abuser.
Those same men used to be hot, sexy, lovers and friends but not neccesarily good father material so for all the complaints about them think about the glass house adage. You were the ones who allowed them into your lives not us.
If you would like to make this forum something that is helpful than I would suggest you avoid all questions like this topic and anything similar. Petition the powers that be because if you have a look around most of the people on this site from everywhere are single parents.
To keep asking these questions and refusing to learn anything from them is kind of stupid,no? | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:46:55 AM | One issue that I do not think any of you single mom's and their supporters have not answered is what would you do if say you were married to someone or were dating them seriously and the child said to your S.O, "You are not my parent I do not have to listen to you?" That statement is made many times by children in step blendid family units.
I will answer this for you Johne, since I have been in that situation. When my ex and I were together, we had six kids together...3 his and 3 mine. All fulltime.
My daughter made it quite clear that she didn't have to listen to my hubby, because he wasn't her father. I then stepped in and made it quite clear that she did, simply because he was the other adult in the house, and as I had taught her, she MUST respect adults even if she doesn't agree with them. If she had a problem with what he wanted her to do (ie: a legitimate complaint that it was not something ordinary in our expectations of the kids...clean their rooms, help out with housework, etc.), then she needed to discuss it with him politely, and if he still said she had to do it/not do it....she had to listen to him. I always would sit down and talk to her when situations like this came up....more often than not, I fell on the side of my hubby.
In the flip side...I was for the most part 99% responsible for the all the children. When I did bring an issue to my hubby's attention about one of his kids, and they fact that they (mostly his obnoxious son), wouldn't do what was expected of him, like the rest of the kids....he went downstairs to his son's room , gave him the "do what she says or we will both have to deal with her emotions" speach...and still nothing got done. Don't think I was asking too much for an 18 yr old to clean his room on Saturday, just like the 5yr old, the 7 yr old, the 13 yr old, the 15 yr old, and the 16 yr old. But rather than deal with the situation, he chose to make stereotypical comments about me as a woman, thus perpetuating his son's skewed view of women.
It can go both ways, every situation is individual.
As for the Canadian law to be changed...you are so opposed to it Johne, have you done any work towards changing it? I had suggested this about 40 pages ago.
Kiddingmyself: I agree that it does happen (single mothers only out for the all mighty buck)...I have seen it with my own eyes.
The thing that I think is apparent in this thread is that on both sides, generalized stereotypes are being thrown around. Yes we all base our opinion on our own life experiences. But that doesn't mean we should be closed minded to the other options out there.
There are always bad apples in both genders. Just because Johne's experience with single women is bad, doesn't make all single mothers bad.
Just as MalibuSteve's experiences with single mothers has been for the most part all good, doesn't mean all single mothers are good.
Ever situation should be based on it's own merits. Simple. | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:58:23 AM | @canoe girl
He wasn't asking what other people would do, he asked you and much like most here you have just skirted around the answer and didn't answer him.
So if he asks again it is because he is never really given an answer that is valid. I don;t blame him for asking again. | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 11:16:05 AM | He has actually asked this question several times. Obviously you have not read pgs 1 - 109. It's too bad the mods deleted a fair amount of his comments and the responses he received. I have answered it. Several times. He did not like or acknowledge my answer. That's his choice. It is a consistent habit of his. If you had read the entire thread you would have known this. I have been in that situation. I married a man who had no children while I had a daughter. He was the only father she had ever known. She has only now told him to his face that she did not have to listen to him since he was not her father. This is after the divorce. Not during the marriage. During the first few years with him, she thought the sun rose and fell on him. So I can not answer this question the way he wants me to. I have no experience with his scenario.
If I look at my parents situation, I still have no real experience there either. My mother raised six girls. Only 4 of them were hers. She had custody of all of us after my parents split up. The two older girls ( my half sisters) still think of my mom as their mom. Non of us have any contact with our father. His choice, not ours. | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 11:55:37 AM | You should not get rid of your children..you should and could make dating you more attractive:
You could do this by:
Not introducing your child to your boyfriend until it is serious..(if you do it on date#1 it is not a good impression)
Show your man you are capable of caring for yourself and your children on your own. You may be able to do that but there are many single mom's looking for a man to provide for her and the children.
As I have said before when it gets serious give the man a role in the family unit other than provider, give him equal input in family decisions. I have seen too many cases were the step parents thoughts and feelings were ignored.
If you live in Canada lobby for change to the divorce and child support acts.
You're assumption are incredible. I have no problem attracting men even with all my children, so I don' t really need advice from someone who also hasn't had a successful relationship.
I was making the point that the children are being made out to be the problem when the truth is some single parents have character flaws. Children are a gift and never responsible for a parents inability to have a relationship.
Lobby for changes to the divorce and child support act? Why it doesn't effect me, I don't receive child support nor would I make a claim for support from a man who wasn't the biological parent of my child. The legislation was created to reduce the cost of social programs since I'm stable financially it's irrelevant. Peoples inability to date or date responsible isn't one of the social causes I'm willing to invest in. | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 12:18:09 PM | | Loony, for the love of God why are you making me repeat myself? I was referring to ONE type of man. There are many, many different types out there. Never once did I say there aren't any men out there who prefer single mothers for a totally different reason than the one I gave. Doesn't mean my example is untrue, though. | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 12:20:04 PM | I never said children were the problem...I am simply stating that a few people who have children get greedy (going to court to get child support from mre than just the other biological paent) and it spoils it for everyone. Governments and pliticians use the phrase "Best interests of the child" to justify this as yes it is a way to reduce spending on social programs. Do you not understand that? It is not the children..the adults are the problem.
If you put your fingers in an electrical socket and you get a shock chances are you may not do it again right? | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 12:33:16 PM | Kiddingmyself, you say that we all base everything on our personal experiences.
But if that were true, many of us wouldnt date, and would constantly put down , men that wear glasses, or men that are tall, or men that are short etc, because we have had bad experiences with such men in the past. I had a bad experience with a man that was 6"4, stocky and wore glasses. That doesnt mean I am going to tarr all 6"4, stocky, glasses wearing men with the same brush and delcare that I will from now on only date short, skinny men who dont wear glasses.
I believe each individual person is unique and will not rhow them all into the same pot.
I am different from the single mom down the road, she is different from the single mom on the next street etc
If you put your fingers in an electrical socket and you get a shock chances are you may not do it again right?
Johne, sticking your finger in an electrical socket can not be compared with dating.
Like I said above, just because I have had a bad experience with a tall stocky man, does not mean I will tarr all tall stocky men with the same brush and never date such a man again. That would just be stupid... | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 1:53:12 PM |
..... Simm... Looks like you are becoming dangerously close to following in Johne's foot steps...
Oh ya? Well if you ask me, it looks like you are too. In fact, it looks like we all are. I mean cheese and rice, 109 pages of b.s. is just mired down to the same two sides of the coin. And no one is budging. So guess what? You have people who feel strongly about an issue, and no one budges, you get redundancy. I don't like people who generalize, and that's pretty much been going on all through this beotch. So I"m going to bash back if I feel I've been bashed as a member of the single mothers club. Because being a single mother is the most important, wonderful, tough, scary, thrilling thing I've ever done or ever will do....and for someone to say I'm not worthy of love or even a date now and then, when I am doing nothing other than raising my two boys to become good men, they're gonna hear it from me. You put 100% of your heart and soul into something for the majority of your adult life, and see how you react when someone bashes you for it or tells you that you have made bad choices and you are some kind of sub species.
So I'm gonna be redundant as long as there is redundancy to address. | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 2:18:08 PM |
Loony, for the love of God why are you making me repeat myself? I was referring to ONE type of man. There are many, many different types out there. Never once did I say there aren't any men out there who prefer single mothers for a totally different reason than the one I gave. Doesn't mean my example is untrue, though.
Yup every bit as valid as people saying "well a single parent did XXXXX to me".......
Simmah in a different perspective, how would it strike you personally if those boys of yours as grown men told you "Sorry no grandkids, I just can't afford to have my own since I'm paying so much for __________'s kids. Too bad because I really wanted to raise my own kids aswell but it just wouldn't be responsible in my circumstances"
Because they'd made a mistake as a young man to get involved with the wrong type of person and legally speaking single parents have been armed with a very large stick.
This is not an attempt to bash. Not even close. But, rather I think it highlights why injustice to any is injustice to us all. Those lads shouldn't even have to worry about that being an issue incase they heaven forbid make a mistake and learn from it like we all do. If they had a pattern of the same mistake though as it seems some have then a little sit down chat would be in order.
As a responsible parent do you advise those boys to be more cautious in some situations than other or not would be the question. And yes I do understand it is a few bad apples in a bushel, but no one enjoys a bellyache. | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 2:26:00 PM | Im a single Dad and I wouldn't get rid of my kids fodr a self centered egotistical woman, just to turn the tables here. For one, She didn't meet my standards of the person Im looking for or meets the qualitys of the person I would want to be with. If your thinking of everyone elses needs and wants, whats wrong with yours? Im not going to entertain that kid as he's just looking for attention and if you being a woman feels its your job to feed that part of your partner and make it acceptable then your going to always beat your head against the wall.
Second if your going to go out of your way to make something more attractive then what your comfortable with, again your lying out of the gate. And you probably say in your profile that you want absolute honesty but your not willing to give it. Again If you feel its your job to be a "woman" and not you then you failed the first time because you probably blame yourself for the failed marriage.
I didnt mean to tie this to your post because you seem realistic about your values and know where your commitments are. It baffles me how someone could even start a post like this and cry poor me, should I wear a shorter skirt or dye my hair, boob job. No get in the kitchen if thats what you think you amount to because your already destined to flat out entertain someone and its not mutual . I'll tell ya what if any woman out there want to come over and cook and clean and want to be rewarded for doing a good job let me know. Actually dont, I dont have time for that. Im a single parent looking for a "partner" sorry if you dont fit the bill.
Again MsB sorry for trailing this on your post. | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 2:39:27 PM | John,
One issue that I do not think any of you single mom's and their supporters have not answered is
Actually, most of the single moms and their supporters had not answered this. However, a few of us had.
The simple answer to how to respond to the child's rebellious attitude is that it depends on the relationship you have with the other parent and with the child.
Some responses include:
A) That's true. However, your mother agrees with me on this, and she is the one who will punish you if you don't do what you are supposed to.
B) That's true. However, I do love and care about you, and this is something that you need to do, not for me, but for yourself.
C) That's true. However, I am asking you to please do this for me. I would really appreciate it.
D) That's true. However, your mother and I have an agreement, and I am allowed to issue punishments.
E) That's true. However, I am responsible for you and want what is best for you. This is something that you need to do.
F) That's true. However, I do many nice things for you, and I'm asking you to do this for me.
G) That's true. Similarly, I don't have to give you that reward we discussed. However, if you do what you're supposed to do, you will be getting your reward.
There are lots of these. However, the absolute wrong response is:
H) You little brat! I pay the bills around here, so you will do what I tell you to do! I may not be your father, but your father's a jerk, so let's all be thankful I'm not him.
I once ated a woman who when I asked her this question told me I would be out of the house.
Must... resist... bad... jokes... about... "ated."
Now, I can't imagine a mother saying that she would throw you out of the house simply because a child acted up. I'm guessing that there was some other aspect to the story that you have left out, such as what would have caused the conflict, or how you would have responded.
Okay to all you "bleeding hearts"
Is this part of your plan to avoid insulting people? Name calling? And then you complain about children acting like children?
Everyone, sing along! "I AM IRONY MAN!" na na na-na-na na-na-na-na-na na na-na na
Would it not be easier to ask the question" How can a single mom find a man willing to date her? instead of Ever wonder why men will not date Single mother's? See one implies you would be looking for a man compatable with you...totally understandable the other implies you want a man who may not be compatable with you to date you. Or at least this is how the OP has phrased the question
While that would have been a better question, that's not how the OP phrased it. We're all just dealing with the topic as it was presented and how it has evolved.
You repeatedly complain about single mothers asking this question, yet this thread is full of posters who have advanced the discussion. Why not deal with the current discussion or avoid the thread altogether if you have such a strong negative reaction to the question?
If you have suggestions on how single mothers can better attract the type of men they want, I don't think anyone would complain. However, suggestions such as those you listed aren't actually that helpful. Most of us here on the forums agree that it is wise to wait until a relationship is established before introducing the children. Most of us agree that you should support yourself and not rely on the person you are dating for financial support. Most of us agree that the thoughts and feelings of those we love are important.
I will agree with you that if somebody disrespected me or was interested in my money, I would not be interested in dating that person. However, I still refuse to lump women into categories and make assumptions based on these groupings that don't logically follow.
For example:
Illogical - "Single mothers are after money." or "Blondes are dumb."
Logical - "Single mothers are more likely to understand kids." or "Women who wear cowboy boots and hats probably listen to country music."
(Notice how the conclusion is tied to the attribute they share?)
Maybe some (not all but some) single mom's
I left these out of my previous post, but your thinly veiled insults, by using these qualifiers, do not become significantly less insulting. While you are acknowledging that there are single mothers who aren't like this, you are implying that the expectation is that single mothers are like this.
If you put your fingers in an electrical socket and you get a shock chances are you may not do it again right?
While fingers in the socket is a bit dangerous, there are more fun was to do it. I can't be the only person who enjoys that little electrical jolt, can I? Oh, wait. I am? Nevermind. | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 2:43:14 PM | At the end of the day every one has their own opinion and experience and no one should be judged for this, nor should we brand every one with the same brush. My Ex thought more of his step daughter from a previous relationship then my daughter but i never complained. My relationship with him was what was important and that i never had to choose between them was a must. Sadly many children now days don't respect their elders anywhere so how can they respect an adult in their own house. In my opinion more time need to be spent with the children, and teaching them disapline and boundries then dating when you are both ready should not be an issue. Some men are not mature enough for a relationship or children of their own and it is better this is extablished early rather then later on when you and your children can get let down and hurt. If someone is serious about getting to know you or date the fact that you have a child from a previous relationship would not come into it. Just depends if the relationship is for one night or possibly with a future.
I don't wish to offend anyone it is just my opinion | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 3:31:32 PM |
This thread doesn't inspire the optimist in me, though. It's a downer.
Amen to that. Unfortunately any thread that's started about the good traits of single parents gets either hijacked or voted off the island. | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 3:40:33 PM | To be honest, the question that needs to be asked after having read some of the posts on here is 'why would a single mum want to date a single man?' Seems ludicrous to me. I am of the opinion now that I am going to wait until my children are much older before I decide to get involved with another man. This way, the likelyhood of them being hurt is significantly reduced.
The more notice people take of Johne, the more he will respond and continually aggrevate people.
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 3:41:40 PM | | Simmah, I want to apologize to you [and everyone else]. Hope you didn't take my insult too personally; it was definitely an insult, I just didn't want to admit it. Hatred breeds more hatred, but that doesn't excuse me or make my insult any less hateful. I'm so sorry... | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 3:48:03 PM |
Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
nope
and I don't really give a crap
I DO wonder though why there are so many damaged, bitter and hurting people looking for a partner. THIS is the big question on POF | |
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| Ever Wonder Why Single Men Do Not like Single mothers?
Posted: 6/3/2008 3:48:29 PM |
Oh ya? Well if you ask me, it looks like you are too. In fact, it looks like we all are. I mean cheese and rice, 109 pages of b.s. is just mired down to the same two sides of the coin. And no one is budging. So guess what? You have people who feel strongly about an issue, and no one budges, you get redundancy. I don't like people who generalize, and that's pretty much been going on all through this beotch. So I"m going to bash back if I feel I've been bashed as a member of the single mothers club. Because being a single mother is the most important, wonderful, tough, scary, thrilling thing I've ever done or ever will do....and for someone to say I'm not worthy of love or even a date now and then, when I am doing nothing other than raising my two boys to become good men, they're gonna hear it from me. You put 100% of your heart and soul into something for the majority of your adult life, and see how you react when someone bashes you for it or tells you that you have made bad choices and you are some kind of sub species
Sorry, boo hoo... the tears are just rolling... I dont ever recall saying that you are, or ever were a sub species.... I never said you were not worth dating... But I dont see how women bashing men, and telling us we are not "real men" for stepping up, when, as is often the case... We were passed up in the first place, by that woman who is now a single mom, because we were too boring, not exciting enough, didnt have it or whatever... so that the woman who is now a single mother could chase that guy who wasnt/isnt good for them, but had his kids.
I would submit that yeah, that was a bad choice... dont be pissed because the single guys are not interested.... Your not a sub species... but its how many "single mothers" have made the single guys feel when we catch all the hell, and crap that they have collected by the assholes they originally passed us up to date...
So I'm gonna be redundant as long as there is redundancy to address.
Even when, as you state the redundancy of Johne is border line psychotic... You choose to do the same.. So much for being different.
You seem interested in jumping in on things, even when they are not directed toward single mothers, and take them on as your own personal grudge... | |
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