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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 1:11:47 AM | The OP has put forward a problem that is real, but in a way that isn't. He hints that he's speaking hypothetically, and yet he produces images of a woman stubbornly stuffing her face as he tries to speak reasonably to her....which while spectacular is probably a pretty rare spectacle....I would think. So I would be interested to know what the OP's actual investment is in this. Is he faced with a compulsive gobbler? Or is this simply a gratuitous thread, with an originator wording things in a rather extreme way, simply for the purpose of eliciting inflammatory or hateful responses?
Edit: I mean it's not exactly rocket science is it? If your partner becomes dramatically less attractive in such a basic way, that will obviously affect your physical desire for them.
Duh?
It seems to me that you either deal with it or leave. Cheating is never the right answer...whatever the issue.
Can I "duh" again? | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 1:23:25 AM |
" For many Fat doesn't cut it.
For many Smokers don't cut it. (btw, I'm a smoker)
For many women, short guys get by passed.
For many men, tall women are ignored.
.......
Harsh .... yes. Reality....yes. "
Well... as someone who usually at least tries to be PC, I've got to admit the logic of this is hard to deny. Of course, the logical response is the old "buyers beware" tack: If you don't like 'em, don't pick 'em. But then, the original point of this thread refers to someone "letting themselves go" AFTER you picked 'em, so...
As another poster said, it's pretty damned hard to imagine anyone "planning" to get fat-- this isn't Victorian England, nobody "wants" to get fat--despite their numbers there are few groups more slandered or despised than the overweight, these days, in the media and on the street.
I dunno... except for one gal who has three kids and only half a thyroid, the only other women I can remember who got significantly fatter after marriage were two ladies I knew back in my Navy days... one was married to an unfaithful jerk, and the other was married to an abusive, intolerant a$$hole. Does make you wonder....
Silken Fire, you get my vote for the best post of the week! (but you needed more examples... oh, right-- ran out of directions) | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 1:29:38 AM | | Gossip Girl post 117: YOU SAID IT SISTA! But dont waste your time. Realists are an endangered species on these here forums. VERY endangered. I doubt the rest of them even gave your post a thought. They just read it, dismissed it and continued on in their strange and terrifying personal world of lies. ^_^ But I hear ya! Keep up the good work! | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 3:09:37 AM | Ok..I've said it once and i'll say it again. I definitely think your new wife should drop 170 lbs in the form of her new husband. Not the 30 you're talking about!
If you loved and were truly committed to your wife and your bond, not to mention your vows you would try to offer support and maybe help her along to lose some weight IF that's what she wants to do for HERSELF (not you!) and if it would be beneficial to her health.
You could be the HUSBAND you're supposed to be and take walks together, work in the yard, take the dogs for a walk. There are a TON of things you could do with her to be supportive!
When you have an issue in your marriage, you're supposed to "TALK" about it...not "seek out another girl that you think is better than your wife" about it!
You sound way to emotionally immature to even BE married! and if you're having these thoughts, you've already pulled the escape hatch and I feel sure you're not deserving of a loving relationship w/this woman.
If you feel this way now, her dropping weight won't make a difference. You will probably always be making an excuse to seek out other women.
What about when your wife says something you don't like? or wears a color that you don't care for????
That poor girl, she doesn't even know what she's signed up for!
You need to grow up~ | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 5:35:16 AM | Hmmmmm DAMN you silkin!!! lol
I'm too tall and you want me over vvvvvvvvv PLUS I'm chubby and you want
me over >>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Where do I GO??? lol
decisions decisions....
Soooo while I wait for direction, I'll sit here with my feet up on the desk, sip a milk shake, eat some cake and finger through some profiles looking for the perfect mate | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 6:03:14 AM | OP
Know I already put in my opinion once concerning this posting.
Reading replies since then. Seems that many women responding feel that ballooning from fit/healthy proportions to obeasity shouldnt be an issue.
Many seem to be responding from hormonal issues as causing the weight increase which isnt a reference point in your original post. Seems they have jumped track from initial question
[Someone who immediately "Let's themselves go" once the man was caught, is she risking her new found husband eyes straying to the slim specimens, who may well catch his eye in the sorkplace? ]
They have totally discounted the part you clearly defined [lets themselves go],that point of reference is significant to the question, not a childbirth weight issue or hormonal/medical issue, its just a plain[ dont care if I get fat issue] , so I still think the gained weight is a severe problem that can cause a breakup.
If you had phrased the question as a medical issue, my initial response would have been different. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 6:28:06 AM | Some posters are turning the OP into something it was not. He's not talking about men "finding" larger women attractive - we all know plenty do - or talking about someone gaining 30 pounds over a 30-year relationship - we all know that would matter very little to most people. He's talking about someone acting in an odd and selfish and disrepectful way (sudden extreme overeating and being dismissive of their partner's feeling about it).
Turn it around a bit: there are dozens of threads in which women claim a man doesn't have to be RICH, but he has to be financially stable/responsible. So to land such a woman (who sincerely cares about that, just like some men sincerely are only attracted to a non-obese woman) a man puts effort into achieving that status. But once married, he stops working, squanders the money he has and scoffs at his partner's objections and demands that she "love him unconditionally." Or replace the money/food thing with booze or drugs. Still think the betrayed partner is being unreasonable?
It would be like me (a smoker) quitting so I could get a guy who honestly can't stand the thought of being with a smoker (for whatever reason - health concerns or because the smell/taste disgusts him), but started up again like a chimney after the wedding and telling him to mind his own business if he objects. That's just nuts. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 7:03:48 AM | Well, this turned out to be a hot topic – why did I go out yesterday? WHY?!?
cambridge123
Her answer "this ring is not around my neck, you don't own me" is aximatic... I don't know why you have a problem with her statement. – I think the point our OP is trying to make is that he isn’t allowed to discuss it with her.
Also, I don’t think anyone proposed that she
was waiting to get married to spoil her body – I think his point is her discipline is starting to lack.
I’d like to point out that I’m clinically obese, if you review the photo’s in my profile, I was clinically obese for each one of them. And all that means is that health related issues begin to surface after a percentage of body fat.
Personally, I’ve been struggling with my weight since I was 12. What I’ve done is refuse to buy a waist size greater than “x” and that actually means, that there have been times when I’ve had to undue a button to get through the day.
I have two very good friends that are really big. One, her own daughter will tell you that she’s a closet eater, it’s not what she eats in public, it’s what she eats when she gets home.
The other, actually I was really insulted by her. I had her over to dinner a while back. I made a berry salad for desert and she wouldn’t even taste it without loading it up with whip cream and chocolate sauce – I asked her 4 times to taste it first, just taste it.
Ignoble – You’re usually more tolerant.: [quote\ How exactly does the REASON for the weight gain matter in the least?. Of course it matters, she ‘s eating her way into a new dress size.
I know one guy that kept his wife thin with comments like: “there’s so much more to love”. Her new husband reaping the benefits, at 60 she weighs about 117, in her 20’s she’d hit around 127.
Very well put DanFromEugene, vro312
I have also noticed an awful lot of “man-bashing” with respect to this thread for their intolerance. The thing is, I look at a lot of profiles, both genders, and there seems to be a disproportionately greater amount of thin, but mostly fit and athletic WOMEN on this site. While men tend to be more willing to speak rudely … it makes me wonder why there are so many healthy weighted women out there looking for a partner.
Call me JJ : I’m all for the cheese cake too
I guess what I’ve learned is: we need to keep it in check before it becomes a problem. We need to heed the comments of family and friends when they point out when we’re going astray. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 7:47:44 AM | I am a chubby girl. Not a BBW, but not average either. Somewhere in-between. I usually end up dating guys who are a little chubby themselves, and they think I am beautiful. Plus, they make me look really small and tiny in comparison, which is a trip for me.
I have found that I have no interest in people who are overly vain; namely, the kind of men who complain about ten extra pounds on a woman, the kind of men who ogle other women because their wives got heavy after having a kid or two. I have found that my policy not to date anyone superficial or vain has weeded out all of those men, and I don't care, now, when people say men prefer thin women. The men I date prefer a woman who can keep up a conversation, intelligent, fun. I have a date every night of the week if I want one, and never does a guy tell me to lose weight, glare at my plate of food in the diner, or look at other women.
Sure, you can whine "but I'm not ATTRACTED to fatties". And you know, that's fine. Most of them probably aren't attracted to simple and superficial men who believe that love is based on pants size, either, so everybody wins!
Also, I used to be M U C H fatter. I'm talking sixty pounds heavier than I am now. Some guys would not give me the time of day back in the Fat Years; ironically, it's now me who is ignoring their calls. I saw their true character, and it was uglier than any extra weight I could have stood to shed.
So, bottom line: if a man strays or rejects you because of weight, he's not worth it. Sounds trite, but it's oh so true. Love isn't based on stupid stuff like that, and all women deserve to find the gem (and he's out there, I promise) who is going to love them at any size. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 8:40:04 AM |
If the Girl you married started straight after marriage to put on the pounds, which then became stones, so that you felt that not only was it bad for health resons, but a certain part of your attraction towards her was made up in the appreciation of her sexy hour glass figure, do you think that this is a legitimate complaint, of should you feel that you married her for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health?
Is it legitimate to have a preference for slim women, and to avoid a relationship with someone who is frankly fat? Someone who immediately "Let's themselves go" once the man was caught, is she risking her new found husband eyes straying to the slim specimens, who may well catch his eye in the sorkplace?
How much mercy do most married women give most men who get laid off from their jobs or get fired?
I can tell you this much, based on my perspective and what I've seen, if you are a guy and you can't earn anymore or can't earn to your previous capacity, you are going to have problems in your relationship. In fact, most cases I've seen, the situation ends in divorce or a busted relationship.
Ladies, I don't know what it's like to be a woman. I don't know what it's like to have a period. I don't know what it's like to be judged almost solely on your looks in the dating world and have age, society, and peer/family expectations bringing that weight on your shoulders. I can only imagine it sucks.
Well ladies, as a man in America, it sucks ass that I, along with every other male on this forum, this site and out in the world, is judged for our career and how much money we make. To know that it's often a deal breaker to start or to end if you can't keep earning.
Some of you don't like the idea that if you gain weight, that most of us men might not find you attractive anymore. Well we don't like the idea that we, as men, are often treated as the grand sum of our wallets and our ability to give you our sperm for the babies you want. I can tell you this much, nothing can make a guy feel like an ATM machine with a cup of jizz sitting on top of it than most to many to nearly all women out there.
Men do not have the market cornered on lack of acceptance, cruelty, indifference and a failure to love.
Why do some women, not all, but some, gain weight after marriage?
Uh, well, what incentive to they have to try?
If a guy decides to divorce them, who typically gets the house, the kids and most of the money? If a woman decides she doesn't want to have sex with you anymore in a marriage, she can often walk out with the same financial windfall whether she sleeps with you or not. She can be a crack head and still walk out with the same package. She can be shuttled to and from mental institutions and get the same package. She can decide to never work again and nag you until the sun doesn't shine anymore and get the same financial package. She can decide to get an abortion when she gets pregnant and you have no say.
Why do most men find this issue of weight after marriage troubling?
Because for most men, marriage is just pure surrender.
There is no incentive for that married woman to bust her ass at the gym and be attractive to her husband. If she weigh 50 pounds, in a divorce, she gets the same package. If she weighs 350 pounds, in a divorce, she gets the same package.
If most to many to nearly all men get fired or laid off or blackballed from their career, after some time, after long enough, well stick a fork in us because we are getting our asses kicked to the curb. The idea of "partnership" and "acceptance" doesn't last very long if a guy can't bring home the bacon.
But if a woman gains 50-80 pounds, men should sit back and accept it with no reservations or doubts or fears or concern?
A marriage is a "partnership", it means both sides have to pull their weight, not have one party stack it on until they can't see their knees anymore.
I know it sucks for most ladies here to feel like they are being judged for looks all the time in the dating world. And that it will still be an issue in the married world. You want us men to accept you without question?
Well how many of you would really marry a janitor? (Of course some will banter on about "if he's the right guy..." but let's just cut out all the bullshit here)
HOW MANY OF YOU WOULD REALLY MARRY A JANITOR?
Ladies, be careful how you decide to treat this issue, how quickly you might be prone to ask for total acceptance, because when it comes down to it, I have serious doubts many to most to nearly all of you totally and completely accept men for everything that we do and don't bring to a potential marriage.
If I have to shut up and go to work, knowing my worth as a male and a mate to women is often very dependent on that, I think most to many to nearly all of you ladies can shut up and go to the gym. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 8:42:33 AM |
Just imagine the picture - here is your dream lover, and each time you look at her she is simply guzzling? - The constant chewing, unwrapping, and purchasing those cream buns, that extra helping of cow pie, then there are those midnight absenses, when she goes missing in order to indulge in a supplementary booster feed.
Sign of a larger underlying problem.
Treat the Axis 1 first.
^^BG^^ | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 8:59:33 AM | I don't think anyone should just accept major changes in someone after marriage.Some changes will happen because life is change ,but in the case of this women to gain such a big amount of weight is symptomatic of something big going on within her.Something is really causing her to use food as comfort. No one is that hungry .They are married however and this marriage is worth saving so why not have a go at trying to figure out why she feels the need to comfort eat so much.
Talk and councelling never hurt anyone.If after repeated conversations she refuses to discuss it or even acknowledge it then perhaps you should consider leaving,but only after really trying to work things out.Not some half hearted half assed attempt. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 9:03:48 AM | RUT RO..... we are entering dangerous territory and completely off topic.....
Well ladies, as a man in America, it sucks ass that I, along with every other male on this forum, this site and out in the world, is judged for our career and how much money we make. To know that it's often a deal breaker to start or to end if you can't keep earning
Speaking as a woman in America... let me ask you this.
WHY would any woman who has a successful career, self sufficient, and has everything that she has worked hard for that she needs HAVE to settle for a man that doesn't pull his OWN financial weight? WHY is it that when these woman turn down the "Janitor" as you mention. ( which btw... they happen to make damned good money here in NY), these women are labled shallow and gold diggers?
The type of women you describe are usually under educated and looking solely for a man to carry her through life. That is NOT a majority of the women out there, unless its just the women you have come across..and IF that's the case I suggest you set the bar a tad higher in your choices of women you date...
You are speaking apples and oranges ( healthy snacks btw for all us chubbers), and this has nothing to do with the topic, but being you broached the subject I had to respond....
 jj | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 9:13:29 AM |
Just imagine the picture - here is your dream lover, and each time you look at her she is simply guzzling? - The constant chewing, unwrapping, and purchasing those cream buns, that extra helping of cow pie, then there are those midnight absenses, when she goes missing in order to indulge in a supplementary booster feed. You don't love her as much as you proclaim to. Tactful or not, every sentence you typed above is a put down and shows absolutely ZERO love for her at all. They are dripping with disdain and contempt. You didn't/don't love her, you loved what she was physically to you. | |
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vro312
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Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 144 | |
| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 9:25:57 AM |
But between the trauma of the twins I went through during and after being pregnant with them, the illness' we discovered I had, and another pregancy within a few months of the last one...it just threw everything out of kilter. Then I tried to lose the weight, but with the relationship turning as it did, and the other issues going on at the time, depression sat in and I stopped eating, which...as I stated before...my doctor said my body took as starvation and it began storing what little I did eat.
I can only assume we get responses like this because the poster did not read the entire thread. At no point were we talking about "special circumstance" weight gain. That's totally different, and in my world, not a valid reason for ditching a relationship. Of course, if your partner has a LEGITIMATE medical condition that is causing weight gain and shows LEGITIMATE effort to rectify the problem, then the particular circumstances do not consitute breach of contract. Essentially--in his own less than tactful way--the OP was talking about breach of contract: The spouse stopped taking care of herself, stopped holding up her end of the deal, "let herself go." And yes, it seems hypothetical. Who cares? It's obviously a good topic or we wouldn't be on page seven.
Also, as someone recently mentioned AGAIN, we were never talking about a ten or twenty or even thirty pound weight gain. I am not advocating unrealistic or cruel expectations, and I'm not saying women need to be "thin" or they aren't worthy. I am NOT thin. On the BMI scale, with healthy weight being between 18 and 25, I am an extremely high 24 currently (and usually). I'd like to be thinner. I exercise all the time. But I eat way too much. If I want to be thinner, I have to eat less, and that's difficult. However, I REQUIRE myself to stay healthy, and that means maintain a healthy weight, not a skinny weight.
In response to Mr. Most-to-Many-to-Nearly-All who said . . .
I can tell you this much, based on my perspective and what I've seen, if you are a guy and you can't earn anymore or can't earn to your previous capacity, you are going to have problems in your relationship. In fact, most cases I've seen, the situation ends in divorce or a busted relationship.
. . . My view on this scenario is exactly the same as my view on the weight-gain scenario. If my partner lost his job, got laid off, was unable to earn to his previous capacity, it would be his RESPONSE to the circumstances that mattered to me, and the REASON he got canned. If he got fired for sexual harrassment then told me to put a cork in it when I wanted to discuss the situation, hell yes I'd consider kicking him to the curb. But if the company down-sized, and he was making a concerted effort to find new work, I would be supportive. It's the whole idea of teamwork.
And as far as not marrying a janitor . . . I'm pretty educated and I earn enough that I wasn't offered any sort of support in my divorce (nor did I want or ask for any). But if I met a janitor who had been in his career for a long time, was hard working, saved his money, and lived a responsible financial life, I'd absolutely consider marrying him (if I was really into him and had any intention of getting married again).
This past week I met a mechanic on a trip. He was one of the nicest men I had ever met, very attractive, very responsible. He'd been in his career for thirty years, owned his own home, obviously had enough money to enjoy his life. He actually had a girlfriend, and besides, lived on the other side of the country, but I said to my friend that he's exactly the kind of guy I'd like to have a long term relationship with.
So put that in your pipe and smoke it. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 9:44:03 AM | "All the sexy, perfect, always healthy, always wonderful people STAY HERE!
HEY! WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO??? "
Why is there no middle ground with people on these forums? I guess I am just naive, but I had no idea so many people were so angry and bitter. I'm not sure how anyone expects to meet anyone else when they think everyone on earth is some kind of jerk.
Choosing a healthy lifestyle does not mean you think you are 'sexy', 'perfect', or 'ALWAYS healthy'. A lot of people like myself do it because it makes us feel better. And it doesn't mean we are expecting to be with someone 'perfect' either. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 9:59:36 AM | I would marry a janitor, and I resent the implication, overt as it was, that all women only care about the amount of money a man makes, and the snide disbelief that any woman, period, would marry a janitor.
I don't know. I've seen a lot of janitors. Some of them even have children, so I must assume some of them might have wives.
It's also not equitable. I would like a man who can do things like, oh, pay the electric bill while I'm on maternity leave. How is that as superficial as wanting a woman who has a bangin' body...just because?
Also a lot of you older men sound so BITTER about everything. It's not all women's fault that your ex-wife robbed you blind and ran off, so don't pin that on all of us. Also, especially not on a dating site. Why would you be here looking for a date and basically advertising on forums that you think all women are elitist gold-diggers who could stand to lose a ton or two? No wonder so many men complain about lousy luck on these sites. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 10:04:00 AM | regardless if it is right or wrong...it IS an influence sadly.
I recently sent a few pictures of myself to someone...that I've not heard from since. Now, I was warned by my daughter that the pictures make me look huge...I just don't care. And I don't have others on this computer...AND, I have never been very photogenic....I am 54, 5' 4"...have had three children and I am about 20 - 30 pounds 'overweight'....I am currently losing weight just because of some drastic life altering events..BUT, not because I feel the least bit unattractive and looking to 'catch' a man. I am pretty...and I've even been called beautiful...but mostly it is my personality that will attract a man I actually have the pleasure of meeting in person. But...it is a great way to find out what a man is REALLY looking for when they send kind, "sincere" emails....usually I am not asked to send a picture right off...but, I do anyway....to weed out the 'sincere' from the "sin-seered"......At this stage in my life...I need more than anything SINCERE friends....not "shoppers for the bod"...that body is failing us all at this age...eyeglasses, baldness, rounded shoulder (bad posture) bad teeth, huge ears, beer bellies, the list goes on and on.....I won't stop looking at someone as a possible life long friend or more....until I have the privilege of being allowed to get beyond the things that don't "knock me off my feet" in a picture first...meeting the "personality" is the key for me...we may or may not 'click' and get beyond those things..... | |
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vro312
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Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 148 | |
| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 10:15:20 AM | ^^^^
But again, this isn't really what we're talking about. Yes, some men don't want a woman who is even slightly overweight, but many, many men are just fine with it. It seems to me there are lots of men who aren't going to let thirty extra pounds deter them. Those are the ones who are worth your time.
In fact, if you look back through this post, a few man SAY they want a woman with some meat on her bones.
This topic isn't really even about weight as much as it's about ceasing to take care of oneself and changing one's appearance significantly right after marrying. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 10:25:25 AM | This is not a case of not wanting to date people who are overweight.Date whoever you wish .This is a case of a married couple.They are married. Marriage is commitment and if he can't at least commit to trying to get at the root cause of his wife's excessive overeating then this man should not be married.Don't marry someone if you can't accept that there will be hard times.
I am not saying he should stick around for 21 more years while she becomes massively overweight and never talk about why ,but you have to at least try.He must of married this women for a reason,and if her shape was the only reason then he should be banned from ever getting married again.
Maybe the fact that her husband is on a dating site lying about being married and looking to cheat is why she feels so bad?Hey you never know. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 10:29:11 AM | ^^^^^^I guess I misunderstood the very first (OP) post...
I do think that the 'right after marriage' issue is more about an emotional adjustment for whatever reason...and I'd be more concerned about getting to the bottom of that....if love is what brought two to the marriage...perhaps LOVE can find a kinder eye into the 'heart' of the matter........... | |
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so all was not lost - 'Cept all those perfect, sexy people of course... 
