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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 11:54:00 AM | | I think that someone putting on weight when they are in a serious relationship is a signal that there are other problems either with the relationship, work, health, etc. Seems that you should notice when a loved one has any changes, stops exercising, eating healthy, etc. Weight gain is usually a symptom not the problem. It isn't just a woman thing, it is a man thing too. If you love that person, you need to talk and find out what is happening. A body may attract you, but it is the inner person that you should love. If you love someone, you do what you can to help them. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 12:03:15 PM |
Hmmmmm DAMN you silkin!!! lol
I'm too tall and you want me over vvvvvvvvv PLUS I'm chubby and you want
me over >>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Where do I GO??? lol
decisions decisions....
Soooo while I wait for direction, I'll sit here with my feet up on the desk, sip a milk shake, eat some cake and finger through some profiles looking for the perfect mate
I know... I know JJ... I gotta get ^^^^^^^^ and go <<<<<<<<<<<<<<< but hey, since we're striving for balance, mebbe now POF won't tip over so much... 
You gonna pass me some cake 'n share the view so that I can finger some profiles too???  | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 1:00:22 PM | "All the sexy, perfect, always healthy, always wonderful people STAY HERE!
HEY! WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO??? "
Why is there no middle ground with people on these forums? I guess I am just naive, but I had no idea so many people were so angry and bitter. I'm not sure how anyone expects to meet anyone else when they think everyone on earth is some kind of jerk.
Choosing a healthy lifestyle does not mean you think you are 'sexy', 'perfect', or 'ALWAYS healthy'. A lot of people like myself do it because it makes us feel better. And it doesn't mean we are expecting to be with someone 'perfect' either.
First of all Lil Bit, I am anything BUT angry and bitter nor do I think "everyone on earth is some kind of jerk". If you want "middle ground" perhaps you should find it yourself first. Is your suggestion that any person thinks "anyone on earth is some kind of jerk" MIDDLE ground??? I don't think so... You have a right to be proud of yourself for "choosing a healthy lifestyle" but that doesn't lead into a right to judge others... even if they are your spouse! I read your post and thought, "Now WHO'S getting HEAVY???". Nuff said in response to you I think.
Now to the general forum - let's cut to the chase here... The OP is suggesting a number of things. First, he's suggesting that heavy people are simply gluttonous. He's suggesting that a woman would get married and then go chow down with the hogs as some sort of "statement" that she no longer has to be sexually attractive because she now "owns" him. The whole idea is utterly preposterous and it begs those who have had some experience with eating disorders, sexual abuse and the resulting body image to either attempt to educate those who haven't or at least, be unwilling to absorb the rather ignorant implications of such statements.
Since the numbers indicate that a very high number of women have been sexually abused during their childhoods or teen years, it is entirely possible that a woman who is newly married and newly sexual may be shocked to find herself suddenly feeling the weight of the issues her sexual abuse left her with. Sexual abuse can leave an otherwise healthy woman with feelings of shame, anger, intense sadness and most of all, a need to control her own enjoyment of sex. If she's really good at stuffing all of her feelings down and ignoring them (and many are), she may hide her discomfort with sex by turning her body into something that doesn't look feminine. (e.g. a square instead of an hourglass). These feelings don't just magically disappear and a person suffering with them is not always conscious of their cause or how to fix them. That's where a loving spouse can play a critical role in helping her...
Some women who get married and discover that their new husband has intimacy issues may also start to "block" his interest because they realize he has only gotten married to get his own needs met. These women become lonely and resentful within the marriage that they believed would find them living with their "best friend" and in reality, found them being treated like just another appliance by the man who now thinks that he OWNS her and doesn't have to pay any kind of attention to her until it's time to shut the t.v. off at the end of the day. Over and over again, I hear my girlfriends talking about how their beloved was so romantic and passionate until they married and now they can't even get him to listen to them. They are lonely, sad and so committed to the love they feel for their spouse that instead of leaving him to find someone new, they find other ways to comfort themselves and often, food is one of those ways.
The majority of women I know, will give their very best to the guy they've fallen in love with. While they're dating, she'll reserve significant time for him, work out to keep herself fit, dress up for their dates and work hard as hell to make everything be just right. These same women don't change just because they got married. But IF they find that they've married someone who thinks putting a ring on her finger now means they are entitled to use her body without paying attention to matters of the spirit, it isn't unusual to see those women comfort themselves with food.
Finally, I am going to say one other thing that begs to be said... Many women are freaking tired of hearing SOME guys (thank God, not all), threaten to be unfaithful if their sexual needs are not being met. This very cruel form of blackmail has been going on since time began and it really is time for this form of abuse to stop. Any guy who threatened that with me would get one warning...
I am delighted to see some of our more intelligent guys suggesting that a loving husband whose wife starts to gain excessive weight might demonstrate some true concern for whatever is saddening their wife to that extent. Marriage for life is far more than getting your own needs met and since there IS such a thing as divorce for the hedonistic among us, there IS no earthly reason to screw around on your spouse. If you have a spouse who has always taken care of herself, suddenly gain weight or starts to neglect herself, why not take a really honest look at how you have been treating her to begin with and care enough to help her with whatever is hurting? | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 2:44:13 PM | "First of all Lil Bit, I am anything BUT angry and bitter nor do I think "everyone on earth is some kind of jerk". If you want "middle ground" perhaps you should find it yourself first. Is your suggestion that any person thinks "anyone on earth is some kind of jerk" MIDDLE ground??? I don't think so... You have a right to be proud of yourself for "choosing a healthy lifestyle" but that doesn't lead into a right to judge others... even if they are your spouse! I read your post and thought, "Now WHO'S getting HEAVY???". Nuff said in response to you I think.
My comment refers to people on the forums in general, not your specific comment. There are so many replies to questions that are just filled with anger and bitterness on here. No one on here has any middle ground. Everyone is a cheater or a jerk to them in most cases. I never said I think everyone on earth is a jerk. I was saying that seems to be the prevailing attitude around here with most people. It definitely is NOT my attitude. The first reply you will see to 90% of questions on these forums is "he or she is a jerk and he and she is cheating on you'. I just don't agree.
MY post is not judging anyone. But if you read your post that I was replying to, it completely seems to judge people. And if you don't think your posts come across as angry or bitter, re-read the novel you just posted. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 4:12:06 PM | | Have you tried sitting down and honestly talking to her about what your problem is with her? Explain to her just how you explained it to everyone else...but do it from your heart- not as someone is disgusted that she changed? | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 4:48:48 PM | | i dated a woman that had been fat while married to her first husband then lost a bunch of weight when i started to date her.Within 6 months she had gained 40 pounds,we broke up for other reasons , it seemed like she felt entitled to let her self go once we were dating steadily,she ended up marrying another guy and now weighs well over 200 on a 5'2 inch frame,she went from looking like Rachel Ray to a blimp in less than a year,don't think I could wake up to that every morning,really scared of what she would look like 5 years from now. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 5:00:49 PM | I think your key word is immediately. It's cruel when a woman becomes overweight due to and after a pregnancy and her man just doesn't understand. But right away is a bit strange and may be an indication of depression.
That may not be good news for your marriage but then again, neither is your post. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 10:24:30 PM |
My comment refers to people on the forums in general, not your specific comment. There are so many replies to questions that are just filled with anger and bitterness on here. No one on here has any middle ground. Everyone is a cheater or a jerk to them in most cases. I never said I think everyone on earth is a jerk. I was saying that seems to be the prevailing attitude around here with most people. It definitely is NOT my attitude. The first reply you will see to 90% of questions on these forums is "he or she is a jerk and he and she is cheating on you'. I just don't agree.
You don't see your own lack of middle ground when you re-read your post Lil Bit? It's right here: "No one on here has any middle ground".
MY post is not judging anyone. But if you read your post that I was replying to, it completely seems to judge people. And if you don't think your posts come across as angry or bitter, re-read the novel you just posted.
My post that you were initially replying to was designed to make light of the impossible standards being set for people in threads such as this one. There was no judgment of anyone other than those standing in judgment. If the shoe fits Lil Bit...
As to my "novel", I trust you haven't attempted to read War and Peace lately? It is never angry or bitter to try to increase understanding in this area that causes so many problems in human relationships. I find it unfortunate that you see fit to interpret my attempt to increase understanding as angry and bitter just because it doesn't suit you to have to increase your depth of vision. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 10:27:10 PM | IF THIS IS WHAT YOU FEEL. DON'T GET MARRIED AND WASTE THAT WOMANS TIME. IF YOU WANT AN HOURGLASS. THEN YOU PAY FOR HER VEGGIES TO EAT AND YOU BUY HER A DAMN BOWFLEX.
MAKE SURE YOU'E A DIME BEFORE YOU MAKE THESE DEMANDS TOO FELLAS
WOMEN LET THEMSELVES GO A LOT AND A LOT OF MEN COME GONE | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 11:31:19 PM | In answer to this:
HOW MANY OF YOU WOULD REALLY MARRY A JANITOR?
If I loved him, I would. What difference would it make?
Status has never been a big thing with me...sorry, it just ain't.
When my first husband and I got married, he wanted to be a pilot, and had worked hard, and only lacked a few hours flying time before he could go take his tests. He came in one day and said he'd decided to get a job working at a local factory. I asked him why, he said money was part of the reason (wasn't making much at the local airport where he worked). The other reason was both our families saw him as a kid chasing a dream and he wanted to prove he wasn't...he'd work and still get his license in his spare time, then switch to a job as a pilot later on. I begged him not to give up on his dream, but told him to do what he thought was right for him. To this day, he's still at that factory, is tired of it, and regrets not going ahead with his plans.
My second husband had just gotten out of the Air Force a few months before we got married. He couldn't decide what he wanted to do, so he took a job working for the city, as a trash collector. Didn't bother me a bit. He later was offered a job at a local factory and took it for more money. Not long after I got pregnant with twins, lost one and was put on bed rest trying to save the other one. I was asleep at home one day and he came home and knelt by the bed and said, " I'm home for lunch and I need to talk to you. " I said, "ok". He proceeded to tell me how he worked in an area where 6 people processed parts. 4 of them were forever walking away from the job and taking breaks, the 5th guy was new and very slow, and he was the 6th, and also a relatively new hire. His supervisor had come to him and the other gentleman, chewing them out for not having the daily numbers out each day. My husband told him what had been going on, and he looked at my husband and said , "tough shat, this is a factory, get used to it". Well, he went to the main manager, who basically told him to deal with the unfair treatment or walk. So, he had come home to get my opinion. He said, I'll do whatever you want me to. I told him flatly...do what you need to do for you...I'm not there, I'm not the one putting up with it, and we'll manage somehow. So, he quit and went on to a better job.
I say that to say this....not all women are unsupportive of their husbands in dire straights. These self-same husbands, by the way, left me for others when it came their turn to be there for me. Still, I have enough sense to know not all men would do that, just like all women wouldn't. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/7/2008 3:54:08 AM | When I started this thread I was refering to a specific case - which cannot and was not intended to be a wholesale attack on women who are overweight.
It is evident that "the battle of the bulge" has created problems for many of you, and have caused you to become agitated - now this was far from the intention - and yet sheds some light on the dietry problems associated with overeating -
In the original illistration the case related to a man who's bride, straight after the wedding - on the honeymoon in point of fact started overeating, and his endeavours to help by discussing her problem waere rudely rejected.
To suggest that it was his behaviour which had created the problem is hardly fair as he had, had no time to build up resentment, come on now gals, they were on honeymoon!
So why are you so bitter? - Have you found problems associated with diet which has clouded your judgement?
Obviously most men and women, other than for sound health reasons, but out of preferance for bood looks prefer people in gerneral to look in good shape - (now I didn't say everyone). | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/7/2008 4:11:49 AM | well, no matter if its a girl or guy who dramaticlly put on so much weight after a marriage, personally i think people should look at what the marriage bring her/ him the changes.
surely its not that simple people JUST put on soooooooo much weight after they got married. people can put on weight regarless weather they are married or not.
i mean why people pass the hot plate to the partner, ask him/ her still love they other half who changed so much. its shouldn't be case!!!!
why don't people focus on what made the change?!!! lifestyle changes? depression? eating disorders? medication? must be something psychologically lead to the dramatic physical change!
yes people around are worried, and no they are not just worried about the weight change! yes people around are worried about your health, but no its not just for the physical wellbeing... emotionally, psychologically... people who love you whould care and would want to find out what's going on... | |
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Mulva
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Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 164 | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/7/2008 6:32:37 AM | I just wanna point out, that a lot of people and that includes myself were more struck by the fact that in response to bringing up the sudden and seemingly careless weight gain she flipped about how the wedding ring wasn't a noose around her neck.
(I hope I'm in the right thread right now cause I totally am winging this post from memory haha)
The OP isn't attacking women, he isn't even discussing like the pounds that may seem to accumulate in a relaxed relationship, this is like say you married a man and he started eating at all hours of the day only to bring himself dangerously close to having a heart attack or even just making him so unnatractive to you that it's difficult to want to be around him because if you aren't bringing him food, preparing him food, or getting out of his way while he's eating food you're inhibiting what he wants to do with his life.
I think it's a viable complaint, not a shallow person criticizing someone that gained 15 pounds over christmas and he's just mad she isn't breaking quarters on her ass anymore. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/7/2008 7:38:28 AM | As a chubby girl, I rarely have a conversation with a male, much less a date. It's that whole "chemistry" thing and while I totally understand it, I can also say that my ex was a large guy that I was so not attracted to physically at first....but when we got to know each other, spend some time with each other..... he turned into a really sweet, handsome guy. After we married, we both gained and lost, gained and lost....and it was never the weight or the chemistry that was an issue. (Grown, troublesome children were the issue).
I wouldn't say it's wrong to have a preference; personally, I'm attracted to tall, big men eventhough I'm only 5'2. But I would say that it's unkind to rule out someone as "dateable" based on their weight. Some of us who are overweight may not choose to be this way and we're actually very clean, stylish, and look attractive with our attire. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/8/2008 10:53:04 AM | I don't think it's necessarily unkind to not want to date someone who is overweight. Like anything else, it's just a preference. My personal preference is not to date any guys ignorant enough to ignore me sixty pounds ago and suddenly be calling my phone all night and wondering where I am. Love me for me, not for Dr. Atkins. That's my motto.
I'm still overweight, but let me tell you how much weight matters. At my heaviest, I was 240 pounds. Men yelled things at me on the street like "Fat pig, you make me want to puke." Prettier women smiled kindly and benevolently at me or stared past me, and men usually averted their eyes.
Now that I have lost sixty pounds (due to Atkins), I am still overweight but now appear more "average/thick" than "obese", thanks to the fact that much of my weight is in "good" areas, such as my breasts and bottom. My phone rings off the hook. People hold doors, and both men and women are friendly and polite to me. And it has taught me that most people are innately shallow; it's the human condition, I suppose. Regardless, it still makes me very angry. I was always the same person; just now, magically, people want to get to know me. This is why I stay far away from guys who comment on weight.
If I am out with a guy and he says word one about anyone's weight in the vicinity or stares at an obese woman at the mall, I won't see him again. If he comments on my food or encourages me to cheat on or stick to my diet, I'll be good and annoyed; it's none of his business. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/8/2008 11:00:39 AM | I think if you love someone your attraction is made up of more than physical attributes. I had a long term relationship with a policeman who was injured in the line of duty. While recuperating he was unable to be as active as he was previously. He gained around thirty pounds which were not particularly flattering to his physique. At the time, I cared deeply for him and it did not alter my true feelings. We ended up going our separate ways much later over a different matter, after he recuperated and lost the weight.
If someone I cared for was gaining weight I would definitely try to be as supportive and encouraging to them being in good shape, though - since I am interested in my own health and well being on this level. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/8/2008 11:29:43 AM | Married people often gain weight for a variety of reasons. I have never been slim but when I got married 14 years ago, I was a size 16 and my husband had a 28" waist. 14 years later, I'm up to a 24 and he's a 38. So, we gained it honestly together. We each had our own battles. His were with depression and mine were with medications. We ate a lot of cheap, unhealthy stuff like mac and cheese and ramen noodles the first few years as we were poor and trying to scrape by. We liked sitting around watching TV together. We became fat and happy. We seperated over other things and are still friends but the point is, it's not always one thing or even a concious thing.
Now that said, nothing good can come of bringing up weight gain. It's a very sensative subject for most of us.  Men, listen up. This is important. If you are concerned about your girls weight, the worst thing you can do is bring it up and try to talk about it. This is one of those subjects you need to approach indirectly. Try taking her for a romantic stroll in the evening. Suggest joining a gym as a way to spend more time together. Focus on healthy eating because you are "concerned about your health". Make changes together to support her health rather than make comments that can only serve to depress her. This is your best chance of success. Focus on overall health and drop the weight issue. Everyone will be happier, healthier, and slimmer in the long term. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/8/2008 11:41:40 AM |
the worst thing you can do is bring it up and try to talk about it.
The weight gain can be a symptom of so many different things. It isn't necessarily what he should start a conversation with. If she has something physically wrong such as thyroid problems, then a doctor needs to be involved and she might be aware of medical conditions that caused weight gain. Depression can cause you to bury your feelings with food. Talking is the best first step, but of course blerting out you got fat wouldn't be the way to handle it. If you know that she is seeing a doctor, you can ask how her checkups are, that you want for your relationship to last, for you to be healthy for each other. You have to talk to her to find out what could be going on. Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship.
Joining a gym, if she is depressed about money problems won't help. Exercise is important to stay healthy, so I am not saying that you shouldn't. If it is just a matter of her putting on weight because of not eating healthy and exercising, yeah, sounds like joing a gym together could be fun.
You don't throw a loved one away just because they put on weight, you try to find out why they put on weight and help them. If they put on weight and you don't love them any more, guess what, you probably never did, it was all just physical attraction. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/8/2008 12:31:22 PM | | That's what I was trying to say in my ham handed way. As far as joining a gym, that's only one way to get healthy. Ask her to go for a walk with the dog or the kid or each other. Have a snowball fight. Just play. Excercise doesn't have to be work, it just has to be movement. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/8/2008 1:38:47 PM | We......(not all of us)...have become a society where thin is in and fat is out. Thin has become more attractive. GENERALLY SPEAKING....men will prefer the thinner, more compact woman and have a tendency to overlook the woman with "a few extra pounds". Why this is I haven't a clue! In my experience I have found that women with a few extra pounds are most pleasant...moreso that the "Skinny Minnie Barbie" types.
I have been in situations where two to four women with a few extra pounds are stitting at a table and no one is with them and the Barbie types are attracting all the attention. I usually go over to the table introduce myself and I am usually asked to have a seat. We sit and talk and it is most pleasant. I have discovered that women with a few extra pounds have a MUCH BETTER personality! And that's half the battle right there!
In a situation of a relationship and if one, or the other is putting on the pounds...I think a talk situation should come up and the topic of extra weight should be discussed. As we all know...adding weight isn't a whole lot of healthy. So a discussion about it would become necessary. Sit down and rationally talk this over and come up with a plan that would work for both. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/8/2008 8:24:11 PM |
If the Girl you marriedstarted straight after marriage to put on the pounds, which then became stones, so that you felt that not only was it bad for health resons, but a certain part of your attraction towards her was made up in the appreciation of her sexy hour glass figure, do you think that this is a legitimate complaint, of should you feel that you married her for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health?
Is it legitimate to have a preference for slim women, and to avoid a relationship with someone who is frankly fat? Someone who immediately "Let's themselves go" once the man was caught, is she risking her new found husband eyes straying to the slim specimens, who may well catch his eye in the sorkplace?
That ^^^ was, as you already know, your "original" post.
Now, you are posting a new scenario:
In the original illistration the case related to a man who's bride, straight after the wedding - on the honeymoon in point of fact started overeating, and his endeavours to help by discussing her problem waere rudely rejected.
To suggest that it was his behaviour which had created the problem is hardly fair as he had, had no time to build up resentment, come on now gals, they were on honeymoon!
Are you posting the new scenario as being one where a new husband on his honeymoon is watching his wife overeat (in his opinion). I don't know anyone woman who can become morbidly obese during a two or three week honeymoon.
To suggest that her overeating alone (because as you point out she had "no time to build up a pile of weight") on her honeymoon would give her new husband the right to screw around on her is preposterous OP!
When you are posting a thread and asking co-forumites to offer their thoughts and you find that the majority of them are not sharing your view, I seriously doubt that you are going to achieve the desired result by re-writing the facts.
It would seem to me that a woman who starts to eat a lot during her honeymoon is coping with some kind of sizable disappointment...
You ask us:
So why are you so bitter? - Have you found problems associated with diet which has clouded your judgement?
I haven't seen an ounce of bitterness in any of the responses you got. Why is it when some guys don't get any support for their finding excuses to screw around, they start calling everybody "bitter"???
Neither one of your hypothetical scenarios even make sense NOW OP... | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/8/2008 8:58:10 PM | | Is it just me?... Im starting to wonder what the whole point of the OP's thread was... if not to troll in a very obtuse and supercillious manner,.. then I cant for the life of me imagine why he would post such a scenario. This begs another question.. why would the OP ask if some women were bitter on this thread? Why ask if their judgement was clouded with dietry issues? What does that even mean|? I conclude that is is one of the most obtuse, verbose and Timothy riddling posts I've ever read. (short version) The OP doesnt like fat women, thinks they're all greedy lazy pigs and has found a flowery and riddling way to write that down. I'm done here. Miss Eyre. | |
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