| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/7/2008 9:30:38 AM | | I love talking about my ex relationships. Its fun and makes a great pillow talk. It all comes down to how you talk about your relationships, if your shrouded in secrecy and have a hard time talking about it then its going to sound bad. On the other hand if your open about it, and have a good sense of humor about your past, it could be seen as an admirable quality. | |
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| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/7/2008 11:20:37 AM | | I think it is good to know each other's history, within reason. It helps get to know the person and vice versa. Just hearing how they talk about their ex speaks volumes. Do they get edgy when asked...are they able to speak with detachment about someone in their past? How they relate to other people will spill over in how they relate to me, so I want as much of a feel for this as possible. A question here or there helps to get to know them better. I don't mind answering questions, why should they? | |
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| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/7/2008 11:44:56 AM | Wow ...
Both of my ex husbands are part of my life. I work with ex-husband number one on a daily basis. We get along great... we have children together ... we love eachother but will never again be in love with eachother.Ex-husband number two and I get together every month and hang out.
All of my experiences have made me who I am today... for good or bad. To not talk about it as if it never happened seems kinda strange to me... If you ask, I will honestly tell you, but do not ask unless you can handle the answer. I do not sugarcoat anything for anyone... The wonderful man I am seeing now, is fully aware that my ex's are in my life, and will continue to be in my life ... HE has to deal with this ... or not ... he has to decide if he can be strong enough to handle this and smart enough to realize that it is over with me and them, but that I am just one of those people who remains very friendly with the ex's. I have been with four men in my life, and they are all still my friends and we talk, we visit , we hang out ... thats life ... lets all grow up please !
To ignore it seems pointless ... lets stop playing games and be honest about everything ... up front and put ourselves out there in a real way | |
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| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/7/2008 12:30:30 PM |
I actually like to hear how women talk about their exes. It gives insight to whether they are over them or not.
I like to hear ... "Oh, he was a great guy ... it just so happens that we weren't right for each other in the end." And that's it ... done!
I DON'T like to hear ... "What a psycho, A-hole ... I hope he dies in a fire!" Followed by 30 more minutes of incessant ramblings to drive her point home. Now this is just me, but I don't like to be an emotional tampon for anybody ... unless I care for them. Chances are, on a date ... I don't care about the person yet.
Okay, the "DON'T" section was fabricated purely for the drama ... but it really makes a good point!
Well, I DO like to hear those "don't" types mentioned by rlb previously--because it saves me a lot of time. It isn't pleasant to hear a guy go on at length and with vitriol about his ex, but it shows me right up front that I don't want to pursue anything further with that man.
I have always tried to keep the discussion minimal when it comes to any of my past relationships, feeling that it's just not that relevant to what we're aiming for in the present. It's inevitable that a mention will crop up here and there—for instance, I live in California solely because an ex-boyfriend brought me here; there's not many ways to answer the question of why I moved here without including him. But most guys just don't want to hear much about another guy, I find.
On the other hand, a few years back I had one man tell me that he decided not to see me again because to him, my preferring not to discuss in depth the way one relationship ended apparently indicated that I wasn't "emotionally available."
--Ms. Flis | |
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| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/7/2008 2:54:59 PM | I agree with Apple. I would say that majority of marriages break up because one spouse was running around. Do you really think that Mr. Date is going to admit it was him???
Now a widower talking about his deceased wife is another story. As long as they are ready to move on with their life , I don't mind hearing about their past wife. They didn't choose to be single and it tells you something about them with the way they talk about their past wife. I have a friend I met and he wanted to tell me all about his deceased wife of 40 years. It was a very nice conversation and revealed a lot of himself to me which was all good.
I just don't want to hear someone trashing their ex...... the past is just that and leave the baggage at the curb please. | |
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| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/8/2008 5:15:36 AM | As a widowed person i find that talking about my wife is ok with friends but to talk about her to a SO is out of the question as women have a feeling that your are comparing them and i am not so i will answer but very short answer and i wont drag it out any. The lady say they wont but they do in the end i have had it happen 2 times out of 3 ladys i have gotten to know. Now i dont really want to know about thier ex thier is a reason they are exs and it could have been a very bad realtionship and they resent the person and they want to move on with thier life and bring the ex up is bad menories.
In the long run i am trying to get on with my life and i will allways love my wife and do you think a nother lady wants to here that bet she dont want to here that when i die i want to be with my first wife. | |
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| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/8/2008 7:08:08 PM | I typically only share important details about ex's. I went out with a guy recently and we talked about his ex. Yesterday we talked about my ex... today my ex came up again. My hunch is that he wants to be sure that the ex and I aren't going to be getting back together.
Only if hell freezes over... | |
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| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/8/2008 7:15:19 PM | They are tabboo cause the person your with now isn't in a position yet to feel threatened by your ex. If you are fresh from a break up there is always the possibility(even if you say otherwise) of geting back together. if some one asks me about my ex early in a relationship I will share with them only the things they need to know. When I am 100% over my ex( and anyone should be to be dating) I might share a little more.
It is a turn off to be compared or contrasted by exes or too be dating someone who hasnt moved on from there ex. Just cause you are dumped does not mean you are out of the relationship. You are still in it if you are crying about it. | |
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| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/8/2008 7:22:36 PM | NO ONE... man, or woman, wants detailed descriptions of your past discressions, or the "signifigant-ex-others".. unless they are unnaturally morbid. If you bring your baggage to the table with a "new interest"..unpack it.. you'd BETTER be ready for the truth. AND remember: Once you unpack,. there it is, all strewn about, and it usually stinks. I don't want to hear it,.. You DON'T want to hear mine,.. and you'll probably get "see ya!,.. wouldn't wanna BeYa'" from all your efforts.. geeeeeeze!, Wize-up, America! Thank You, and good-night...    | |
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| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/8/2008 7:28:59 PM | Good post, message 27. 
I personally do not agree with talking about one's exes within the first few dates, as there is nothing more boring than hearing my ex this...my ex that...  However, down the line it can make for interesting conversation and helps you get a good insight as to how the other person handles themselves with others and variations of human nature. For the record, I am friends with both of my major relationships. I talk to one once a year and the other happens to be on POF and is a dear friend. It can also be a measurement (or not) of personal growth. | |
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| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/8/2008 7:31:56 PM | | It seems to me you can't win. If you talk about ex's too much, it's obviously bad. But if you don't want to talk about them period, I find that seems to also raise suspicion. I genuinely have no desire whatsoever to talk about my ex's. Most of them are my ex's for a good reason. | |
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| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/8/2008 7:38:18 PM | I don't like to bring it up, but if it's mentioned I'm willing to hear him out.
However, if he trash-talks her, he's just as likely to do that to me when we go our separate ways (which his trash-talking has just guaranteed will happen). | |
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| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/8/2008 8:19:40 PM | I agree with lil bit - you can't win this one - don't like to relive the past - give minimal info and your branded as "secreative" which is silly. For me it's been over a while & wouldn't want my ex discussing me with anyone either. It's our past - no one else should care - I don't?!?! Just want to know the person I meet in the present is all. Willing to listen to a point but as others in the post have said - you can tell when someone "ain't over it yet" in a hurry & I will walk away - got nothing on Dr. Phil so what's the point??? | |
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| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 8/29/2008 12:47:30 PM | | I live by three main things: Respect, compassion, communication. As an adult I think we should be able to talk/listen concerning any topic. There is something you can always learn from others perspectives. Although, when people are more inclined to be negative , disrespectful, and hateful all the benefits of communication are gone. Knowing about someone's past helps put all the pieces together, but being stuck in one time period is a pure waste of our precious life's. | |
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| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 8/29/2008 8:57:14 PM | | I like hearing about a partner's previous relationships. I like knowing their stories and their histories, and their past relationships say something about who they are, and about how they got where they are now. I can't imagine never talking about these things with someone I was dating. | |
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| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 8/29/2008 9:17:11 PM |
Do you avoid talking (and or listening) about former relationships and if so, why?
I try to avoid it, because in my opinion if you can't stop talking about them, you aren't over them. There are exceptions, of course, such as "my ex used to hit me, or cheat on me". But I had an ex who talked about HER exes all the time, and it drove me nuts. And it wasn't even a romantic thing - they were mean to her. But she wouldn't stop talking about them. | |
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