| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/6/2008 4:24:08 PM |
I don't call them cave people..I call this Passive-Aggresive behavior. This let's them "dodge" the subject by clamming up and ignoring the other person. Avoiding important ..meaningful conversations to the point of frustrating the other person.
Exactly * my2cntsin*^^^^
I will never be in another relationship with a man who does this. The very first time it happens........I will run. It is rude, selfish, arrogant and extremely immature and it will slowly erode a good relationship. I ask men very early on if they prefer discussions about differences of opinions or do they like to "shut down", sulk like a baby and not respond at all by going into that "cave mode". Yuck.........No thanks. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/6/2008 4:24:28 PM |
I don't call them cave people..I call this Passive-Aggresive behavior. This let's them "dodge" the subject by clamming up and ignoring the other person. Avoiding important ..meaningful conversations to the point of frustrating the other person.
Exactly * my2cntsin*^^^^
I will never be in another relationship with a man who does this. The very first time it happens........I will run. It is rude, selfish, arrogant and extremely immature and it will slowly erode a good relationship. I ask men very early on if they prefer discussions about differences of opinions or do they like to "shut down", sulk like a baby and not respond at all by going into that "cave mode". Yuck.........No thanks. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/6/2008 5:48:40 PM | I don't know where you live, but I have met thousands of cavers. I know people who have never been on a date and they are over 40. Every where I look I see people who just want to be left alone for some reason or another.
Now to avoid talking about serious issues in a relationship. I would call that passive aggressive.
Avoiding all the nags, minor conflicts, irritating nit picks, moodswings, compulsive behavior, jaw grinding idiosynchrosies, and all the other little buggeries of daily life, is one of the secrets of a long relationship.
Some people like to argue and are happiest when they do. Other people never talk and they are happy. I think every relationship is dynamic and special in its own way. I do think that relationships that last don't play the silent treatment game. Its a no win game and as you get older you realize that certain behaviours are childish and you abandon them. Hopefully. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/6/2008 7:20:24 PM | | "The Cave" i can handle..... The silent treatment i cannot and will not. After being married to a man who did this regularly to me for 15 years i will never put up with it again. That kind of punishment for a week or two at a time when you don't even know what the problem is, is devastating. Especially when you have no idea what they are p1ssed about in the first place. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/6/2008 7:42:06 PM |
they ( women) do it ( silent ) intentionally to inflict pain or at least hoping it will lead to some drama.
Sorry kupcake, but if I am angry....I will fight you till the death until I feel you have heard and understood my side of the arguement. Doesn't mean you have to agree, but being heard is a huge issue for me.
My "cave time" doesn't come because I am angry at my s/0, or anyone else. It comes for me when life gets too hectic...too much stuff going on at work, too many outside activities for the kids, too much of other people wanting my time and not having even five minutes to recharge. That is where my "cave time" comes in...it is my need to get away from the outside world. Maybe I'm interpretting it diferently than the op meant.
I never get vengeful. It's pointless, and hurts you more than the other person. It also defeats the purpose of what you are trying to do. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/6/2008 9:01:12 PM | Anytime I go silent it's down to the fact that I'm out of topics at the moment, tired, not feeling well, am distracted by work or other things and sometimes... just sometimes I'm lost in thought.
If I'm mad at you.. you'll know. If I'm mad at someone or something beyond you.. I may tell you about it.. or I may not (it may not be that important.. I may be annoyed at a friend, co-worker or even a family member). | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/6/2008 9:25:27 PM | There are obvious differences between "silent treatment" and "caving/"
Silent treatment is when one partner acting like a juvenile assumes that they can control a situation by not speaking.
This is not a long-term strategy and may result in the "silent" partner having to look for a new partner.
Caving (?) I guess would be a man is seeking silence to watch a desired TV program or sporting event or to enjoy a hobby and his partner chooses that time period to engage in a discussion.
Hmmm | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/7/2008 2:08:01 AM | a one-time professor (Krivanek) of mine coined it 'violence of silence'.
in violence we wield our power over another in a destructive way.
it's one thing to be silent yet maintain eye contact... still affirming the other's importance as a human being; or communicating that i need some space to cool off and collect my thoughts or reflect on the situation and my own behaviors, but set a time to continue the discussion. honoring relationship.
the 'silent treatment' honors nothing. it destroys relationship. it is an attack. even when we choose to not speak, we are still communicating something.
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/7/2008 3:47:10 AM | | Actually, I am simply tryting to make people aware that not everyone wants to TALK every single thought or problem in their head out with another human. SOME things we have learned we can "handle better" alone. But we NEED silence NOT necessarily ALONENESS. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/7/2008 3:52:20 AM | The argument here is timeout/caving for reflection/introspection, a regrouping, if you will, of ones thoughts and emotions
vs
the "silent treatment" to assert control via manipulative tactics .
The difference is intent/purpose.
It's not gender specific. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/7/2008 4:29:52 AM | | Word of advice? For the many women who responded to a common psychological trait of men with anger, accusation, and distortion -- you might want to figure out why you have such a strong aversion to this. Even the most talkative of men need time need alone time to process. It's not something that you can change, so all you are doing is wearing a neon sign that says "Don't date me." | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/7/2008 6:22:15 AM |
you might want to figure out why you have such a strong aversion to this.
Um...........that is easy. Because it is immature, manipulitive, selfish and it will destroy a relationship real fast.
It's not something that you can change, so all you are doing is wearing a neon sign that says "Don't date me."
I'm o.k. with that. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/7/2008 8:55:50 AM |
Word of advice? For the many women who responded to a common psychological trait of men with anger, accusation, and distortion -- you might want to figure out why you have such a strong aversion to this. Even the most talkative of men need time need alone time to process. It's not something that you can change, so all you are doing is wearing a neon sign that says "Don't date me."
It's not aversion to "the cave" or going into "the cave" We understand "the cave". The aversion is in the frequency and the length of time in said "cave"
I think I can safely speak for most women when I say.... If you have a habit of wanting to be in your cave more times than out of it, if you feel like withdrawing more times than engaging.... then we feel that something is wrong in the relationship and you have given us reason to believe that there are more important things for you to think about than us. Cave time is understandable ... just remember that while you're in there, there is someone at the entrance, waiting for you to emerge.
How can you say we responded with "anger", "accusation" or "distortion" when you haven't been in Our situations... really ~ Please!!! | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/7/2008 11:36:24 AM | | Thank you for this post. I needed to read this. It did me a world of good...I assure you. Hard to explain why - - but again, I thank you. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/7/2008 1:57:15 PM |
Life could be so much easier and simpler if Cave people could learn to tell their partners that "I love you and am not mad at you but I NEED some quiet time." Their partners need to understand that people will come out of their caves as soon as they can. And that trying to get someone to come out of their cave before they are ready is usually counterproductive.
Sounds good to me, I would certainly respect this. | |
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nogo3
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Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 45 | |
| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/7/2008 2:07:55 PM | If a girl is pulling the silent treatment on me then that would tell me thats its time to pack my things and hit the road. for me its not any problem.
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/7/2008 3:42:44 PM | | I think that the SILENT TREATMENT is very cruel. If two people have a bad situation even if the door has to close between them whatever...take time a day or three. Some need more...believe me. To totally avoid the fact of oh five years and alot to overcome... This type of treatmnet in My opinion can not be the end...even if the end has come. In Your silence alwayz remember there is Someone You care about on the Flip Side... | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/7/2008 6:21:23 PM | From msg 3
Unfortunately, have yet to find a man who isn't so needy as to take it the wrong way.
From msg 13
don't call them cave people..I call this Passive-Aggresive behavior. This let's them "dodge" the subject by clamming up and ignoring the other person. Avoiding important ..meaningful conversations to the point of frustrating the other person.
From Msg 19
they are not silent because they need time, they ( women) do it ( silent ) intentionally to inflict pain or at least hoping it will lead to some drama.
From Msg 23
How better to hurt someone then to not talk to them, and negate their feelings and make them feel that they don't matter??
From Msg 27
It is rude, selfish, arrogant and extremely immature and it will slowly erode a good relationship.
From Msg 35
I agree 100% Too many people us this behavior to minipulate their partner.
From Msg 43
Don't date me if you use meaningless, psychobabble buzz words like 'the cave'
Since I'm rude, selfish, arrogant, extremely immature ,Passive-Aggresive and use meaningless, psychobabble buzz words, it's more than appropriate for me to comment this way:
What makes your way the right way? Why can't it be just as right to need time to collect my thoughts? Why does this have to be discussed on your schedule? If you constantly want to talk, and your SO constantly withdraws, why is that the wrong behavior, and insessant badgering the right behavior? How about instead realizing the communication styles are different, not right or wrong. Once the "discussion" moves into attack/defend mode, it's no longer about the content.
As I said in my earlier post, I think it best for me to stay away from people more interested in proving a point then gaining understanding. And the last 6 years have shown me there are women out there with a communication style similar to my own. Just as there are plenty of talk about how silence is manipulative, so is constant talking.
This is very similar to the E/I disparity in MBTI. When I feel emotionally drained, I need alone time. Extroverts want to get out, and insist that's the right way to fill up.
Like most things, a balance is my preference. When stressed, some people have a higher tolerance for alternate coping methods, while others have less tolerance for any mechanism other than their own. Which side are you on?
Bob | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/7/2008 7:35:21 PM |
Actually, I am simply tryting to make people aware that not everyone wants to TALK every single thought or problem in their head out with another human.
If I didn't have to work every day... I could go without talking to anyone the whole day. I even do it on purpose on the weekends sometimes.
Most guys I've dated have understood that I wanted silence sometimes, they pretty much LOVED that. They tolerated the fact that once in awhile.. I wanted aloneness, too. After awhile... they got the point and wanted alone time as well as silent time. They saw the benefits, yo. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/7/2008 10:45:50 PM |
Just as there are plenty of talk about how silence is manipulative, so is constant talking. Totally agree!
Like most things, a balance is my preference. When stressed, some people have a higher tolerance for alternate coping methods, while others have less tolerance for any mechanism other than their own. Which side are you on?
Like most things, a balance is also my preference.
Cave time is a necessity. But like I said.. I don't think it's healthy to a budding relationship or for a marriage of many years for either party to retreat for extended periods of time to reflect while leaving the other party "outside". Especially when the other party doesn't know why you keep retreating, so questions the frequency or length of retreat and is told that one is reading too much into the silence.. this is passive agressive. Many people do not understand the need to cave a lot, unless they too like to cave often.
What side am I on? The one where there's enough respect and understanding of each other that when retreating takes place, The confidence is there that he will soon be emerging. In other words a happy balance of silence and communication. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/7/2008 10:50:30 PM | Silent treatment is a punishment mode of ineffectual and immature people.
Cave treatment is a merely a thoughtless and perhaps a bit selfish mode of uncommunicative people. | |
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