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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/8/2008 1:45:43 AM | Great Post OP! Randominternetguy has a really good take on the situation! Thank you for the very inciteful post!
This one however reeks of not so passive aggression.
sorry but women aren't cavers.
they are not silent because they need time, they ( women) do it ( silent ) intentionally to inflict pain or at least hoping it will lead to some drama.
its just their nature............ A male with VERY feminine tendencies...bickering, emotional outbursts, illogical conclusions, classic case of operating mouth before engaging brain!
Those who have no problem with this......and yes, as much as it grieves me to say it....most of them are female....but as you can see, men are NOT immune either; the tendency to speak before thinking things through does unfortunately usually go to the "more emotional" gender. How the practice of THINKING BEFORE one speaks can called "immature" is beyond me. Granted, more women than men place "emotions" as the more desirable characteristic, but to call logic and the process of RATIONAL thought....immature and manipulative is nothing short of emotional hysteria.
Randominternetguy made the point of getting along better with other cavers, and I would tend to concur. What the "talkers" very often fail to realize is that when we cavers DO "come out".....we don't want to spend the next 2 weeks being beaten up for needing time to think things through! Just go through this process a few times and it's not long before you don't want to come back out at all! | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/24/2008 1:59:00 PM | I can only Hope that I'm a recipient of *Caving* . .
I _Could_ make any one of Several guesses that _might_ be the cause . .
some being more plausible than others . .
But, as I'm an understanding person . . I'll just go with the assumption, for now, that
our last conversation had something to do with it . .
**
I had a previous - Short term - relationship with a Lady that dissolved from progressing further than a Friendship . . due to MY not being able to live up to her 'requirements' . .
..but she will remain a Friend . .
I hope that the same circumstance hasn't crept into THIS relationship . .
seeing as it was the first time that the subject has come up . .
Realistically . . All I can do . . for Now . . is wait for some form of explanation . . !
* * * *
She's Very Important to me . . and I don't want to lose her to something petty or trivial . .
If _I_ Did something wrong . . I'd like the chance to discuss it . .
I don't want to just *Assume* the Worst . . as that would lead to some fairly harsh feelings . . that I'm not accustomed to reacting to . .
I may just sit back and let her calm down . . as she has stated that she never stays mad for any length of time . . !
~Another one of her endearing features . . ~
I'm not angry , irritated or heart-broken . . . Yet . .
..Just Confused . . !!
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/24/2008 3:41:22 PM | .
Apparently I haven’t read the book and so do not really have a good concept of what is meant by “caving.” I can, however, shut down almost completely for a period of time when I wish.
While no one has ever accused me if not being communicative, some have taken offense at my ability to bury all emotion and go logical whenever a conversation turns serious. I will “discuss” but not argue, and that seems to be bothersome to some people. (Although, there is someone here who suggests “arguing naked” and that seems like a delightful situation I would be willing to try.) Yup, I may act like an easy going, happy guy most of the time; but if something serious is happening, that can change instantly and I will be paying much closer attention than some would like.
Still today, I might intentionally “shut down” physically sometimes. Years ago, an ex used to get all upset about that. I had a physical problem for many years that was very painful almost 24/7. She used to say, ‘why don’t you sit down and relax in front of the TV for a while,’ and I explained to her what would happen: When I sat in my big recliner and got comfortable, I would naturally go into a relaxing state like hypnosis and stay that way for a while. That is, if I got into a position where nothing was hurting, I wouldn’t move and could stay in a very relaxed state. One evening she complained that she had watched me for 45 minutes and could see no movement whatsoever in my body, not even respirations. That bothered her so much that I couldn’t even have that little “rest” in front of her.
Now . . . if my SO wanted to give me the silent treatment for a while . . . well, I’d probably chuckle a little and use the time for reading or writing until she snapped out of it. I’m just not a very good one to try to intimidate in any way. That reminds me of a woman I know who came into the room one day all upset because someone gave her a dirty look. Her little whine stopped when I mentioned that she must be mistaken. Her face still looked the same, so the dirty look must still be on the other woman’s face.
It’s hard for someone to whine when they’re laughing. 
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/24/2008 3:47:00 PM | I think every human being occasionally needs some alone time, cave time, time to think and process etc. and I fully support my partner taking that time... its a non issue for me as long as:
A) Its a two way street... when I need my time I expect to be given it as freely as you were given yours.
B) Anyone who doesn't have the EQ to specifically state their known need... as in "I need some cave time" would not last 5 minutes around me. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 1/24/2008 4:07:19 PM | But I think what the author was trying to explain is that women are social and discuss their problems when they are weighing heavy on their mind with one another... it's the way alot of women process through difficult situations in life... and they do like to give sympathy and just let one another know they care... it's how women communicate ....
men on the other hand when faced with a huge problem go to the cave, to internalize and make a decision on their own.
and as I jokingly ask my male friend how it's decorated.... asked if it contained lots of girlie magazines & beer.... he said nope otherwise he'd never come out of the cave....
Why not bring up the stretching rubberband while we're at it where men are concerned? how they get so close to a woman and need to pull back? that it's his natural process of getting closer and springing back towards you unless of course the stretching away isn't allowed....
Persoanlly I suppose with matters of great concern in our lives we need quiet time to figure out how to proceed and in any relationship if you don't give one another space then you're going to withdrawal even further...
It's the times that are good is when you let the other know how you deal with situations so that when the door opens to the cave you are confident enough to know that they will come back out....
Personally I am a bit of both... I will talk until I have talked it out with my close confidants then will retreat into myself for a bit... | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 2/8/2008 3:30:13 AM | How is it that so many women feel that the silent treatment is a successful conflict-resolution strategy?
"Communicators" indeed. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 2/19/2008 6:53:51 PM | | I, too, need alone time. However, when you have established a daily communication with someone and then suddenly go silent, it's confusing for the other person. Days pass with no word and they're left to wonder about the reason. It takes but a few minutes to dash off a quick note saying you need down time and won't be on the internet, phone, etc. for a few days. They may still be angry with you, but you have at least extended them the courtesy of knowing you're alright. Being cognizant of another's feelings is a necessary part of any relationship, no matter how casual, and takes such little effort. Being a caver does not excuse one from common courtesy. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 2/19/2008 6:57:41 PM | | Ah, apparently I'm a Cave person. The last guy I dated wasn't. I took my uh...cave time to deal with my shit because I didn't want to wrongfully take it out on him (and I told him this), and he took it as rejecting him and it being the end of us. FAIL. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 2/19/2008 7:13:35 PM | Funny..
I used to call it The Wall.
Mr. Social Bunny and Mr. Congeniality at work. Silence at home. The Wall lasted days.
I gave up and got my own life. Then 20 yrs later I asked him what he knew about me and my interests. He had no clue.
Please don't give bad behaviour another name to excuse it. It's plain selfishness and cruelty. Ask the kids who grew up with silent fathers or mothers. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 2/20/2008 5:36:34 AM | needing a time out for an hour isnt 'the silent treatment' ,it is however 'cave time' lol.................going for a week and ignoring your partner is the silent treatment. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 2/20/2008 7:24:34 PM | | The silent treatment, as I understand it, is completely negative....it's about shutting your partner out. 'Alone' time is something EVERYBODY needs in some quantity or another. A successful relationship would have enough communication between partners for each other to take the time alone they need without any hurt feelings. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 2/20/2008 7:34:45 PM | I have never intentionally given anyone "the silent treatment", though I am sure sometimes my behavior might make it seem so. I agree that " the silent treatment" is a negative reaction-but it is an action, meaning, it is an intentional scenario.
I know I do need my time and space, though, especially if something is troubling me. Perhaps I am guilty of either forcing that space by running and hiding, or taking that space by hibernating, and I should instead speak up about what is upsetting me. I don't know, it's just the way I've always been. In my house, whenever there was a problem ( and there ALWAYS was a problem) we didn't discuss it. We just kept on plugging on like nothing was wrong. And so, I learned early to withdraw and deal with my emotions privately rather than discuss them and make a scene. I know I need to get over that, though; I realize now that this is an unhealthy relationship pattern that must be broken. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 2/20/2008 9:43:07 PM | | I go silent, after being in an argument, because after everything has been said two or three times, then there's no more to add, and I don't like to keep arguing, so I just quit. I usually state that I'm not going to argue about it anymore, and then I don't. Some people just like to keep an argument going forever, and I don't. And there's times that I'm so mad, that if I don't keep quiet, it could become quite ugly. So I choose silence. Not as a punishment, but just my choice not to keep arguing. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 2/20/2008 9:56:34 PM | I experienced the silent treatment and it was bewildering. In retrospect, I would call it a strange kind of rage.
The flip side for me was that I was previously in a marriage with a man who really raged and was not silent. However, in the end the two of them - the rager and the silent treatment guy - were both dealing with anger in a way that they wouldn't allow me to engage in.
Both very unhealthy in a relationship. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 2/20/2008 10:07:33 PM | Thank you for your wise comment. I have lived with a cave man for 23 years till I broke up with him and walked out of the marriage. He was aware of what he was doing but he wasn't willing to change. He wanted me to go on a guilt trip till apology was made and then he would come out of the cave. Although many men cannot help themselves when they need to hide in a cave, some learn that the consequences can be beneficial to them , and, like Pavlov's dogs they are conditioned to repeat the cave visits. I think mature adults should self-examine their behaviour from time to time, and if their behaviour results in conflicts with their loved ones, then they need to talk about it with the affected or with a counsellor.
On the flip side, how do you like a woman who always have mood swings and expects you to accept that this is her "normal" reaction to stresses in her life? | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 2/20/2008 11:11:23 PM | i thought this explained it best for me.
i was taught that if i don't have something nice to say then to not say anything at all. having had a temper in the past, i have learned that when i feel myself getting to that point of boiling over or saying something i would later regret, it is sometimes best to just abruptly end a conversation so as not to inflame the situation more. i will take the appropriate down time i need to reflect on the situation and construct my thoughts or responses accordingly in a logical manner rather than a discussion based on emotion run rampant. i will not participate in an argument that is unproductive or combative and this is most likely when you will see me scurry into my cave until the dust has settled. unfortunately, this often times is viewed as selfish, immature or even cruel and i would agree. i respect my my own mental health an well being too much than to allow others to trample on my emotions. imo, every disagreement does not have to be thoroughly discussed and re hashed as often there just is no productive outcome, i am often quite content to let the matter go and move on and if pressed, well ill see ya in a day or too. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 2/21/2008 9:29:06 PM | | We're getting a bit off the topic here. OP was talking about "going silent" for no reason at all. This kind of thing has nothing to do with time-out during an argument that's going nowhere. That's a good reason for down-time and silence. It's a cooling off period. That's not cave time. Cave time is when your partner just goes silent on you for an unexplicable reason. Most of the time, they don't know why. They just do. Sometimes it's for days. In my comment above, I called it The Wall. There is no excuse for that kind of cruelty in a relationship. To this day, he still does it and has 3 ex's after me that couldn't stand it. | |
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| The Silent Treatment ... the Flip Side
Posted: 4/27/2008 6:50:14 PM | While I'm sure there are those who use silence as a weapon, there are also some who do not. Unfortunately, it all gets lumped together (as in Why do all men/women ...) and comments made en masse.
But really, isn't that the way things are done today? Take an extreme element from any group and focus on one aspect, portray that aspect as normal for the group, then make an emotional comment that allows others to jump on that bandwagon too.
Wait, am I doing the very thing I am complaining about. OK everybody, get me!
Bob | |
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